Unbearable Desire (Paranormal Bear Shifter Romance) (Bear Valley Clan Book 1) (5 page)

She was finally asleep, her chest rising and falling softly.  Kai bent over her sleeping face, watching her eyelids dance with dreams.  Carefully he pressed his lips to her forehead, inhaling that scent of hers that had marked his heart.

It physically hurt him to walk away.  The tether that kept him bound to his mate did not want to stretch and allow him to leave her side in her time of need.  But he needed to check in with his clan.  He had been away for too long. 

The only thing that allowed him to step away from her was remembering that she had fallen asleep promising him that she would hike in the woods with him tomorrow.  The woods would cleanse her, he told her as her eyes drooped closed.  The woods would help to heal the grief.

It was the knowledge of that promise that allowed him to slip quietly through the front door.  The sun had set in the stormy sky, but the edges was still light along the horizon. The dark hulk of the mountain was a deep indigo against the fading teal of twilight. One by one the stars were coming out, and it was those, as well as the faint scent of home that guided him towards his den. 

Once he was safely amongst the trees, he shifted and let his bear take control. His bear did not like being in the woods at night.  His animal instinct propelled him back to the safety of his den and the companionship of his clan.

As he loped nearer to the den, he caught the scent of a new bear.  Instantly his hackles raised and he roared out a challenge to this intruder. 

But as he raced nearer, the scent of the stranger sparked a memory in his head.  This scent was familiar somehow, an old faint memory that confused him. 

As he padded closer, Faron loped out of the den in his bear form. "Kai," he thought, the mental link between the two of them as clear as if the thoughts were Kai's own, "where have you been?"

"I'm here now," Kai thought to his beta, not deigning to explain himself.

"Very well, but there is news."

"I can smell it, who is here?" Kai lifted his shaggy head and located the strange bear's scent.  It was coming from the den.  This was a clear challenge to his authority and without waiting to hear Faron's response, he leapt forward, teeth bared, to dispatch with the challenger.

A bear stepped out of the gloom of the den and Kai stopped short. "Gray!"

The old, withered alpha lifted his tired head and then bent it back down in submission.  Behind him, Dov stood in human form, his lips curled in a snarl as his gaze bounced from Kai to his sire and back to Kai again. Kai could feel Dov's confusion and anger as well as his disdain at his sire's apparent weakness.  "You do not need to grovel, Father," Dov rumbled, speaking his thoughts aloud for all to hear.

But Gray did not look at his son, choosing instead to keep his chin bowed and his eyes raised in the posture of submission to Kai.  "I am not here to challenge you, Kai," he thought, his mental link old and faint. "I just want to be with my clan again. I don't want to be alone anymore."

Kai bristled at the ancient alpha. The old bear was clearly no threat to him anymore. The gray of his muzzle that had given him his name had spread upward, giving his face the appearance of a mask. His skin hung off of his bones and he looked starved, his shaggy fur coming out in clumps along his elbows.  He should be a figure to arouse pity, but instead Kai felt only anger. "You renounced us," he reminded the old bear. "You renounce bearhood and your bear offspring, and chose to live as a human.  How dare you wear the form of a bear in front of me!"

Gray shifted on his heavy paws and sighed.  Then the air shimmered as he pulled his bear back.  He diminished down and down until his form resolved into that of a tired old man who stood shivering in the night air.  Dov sucked in his breath.

"Here I am, Kai. You may kill me if you like.  At least I will not die alone."

Kai raised his paw, and Dov roared, but Gray bowed his head. The hair hung lank and dirty around his face, falling in greasy clumps all the way down to his chest.  His beard was unkempt and stuck full of twigs and leaf litter.  He had clearly not been living amongst the humans beyond the valley, like Kai had believed.  Curiosity stayed Kai's blow and he lowered his paw. His bear bristled, but he reined it back.  Pulling himself back inward, he pushed his bear back down and let his human mind and form take over.  It always took effort to constrict his massive, eight hundred pound bear into a much smaller form, but when he finally succeeded in stepping forward on two legs, he found that his anger had diminished as well.

"I will not kill you, Gray.  Your actions were the reason the taboo on human contact is now in place, but you were not part of the clan while they existed.  I will show you mercy."

Gray nodded his head, keeping his chin down and his eyes raised in the expression of submission. "I will do as you say.  You are the alpha."

"I am," Kai reminded him. 

Dov snarled and turned his back on them both. Kai ignored him, the way he always had. When the merging of the clans was complete, then he would finally be able to deal with Dov's insolence the way it deserved to be handled.

"May I take my old place?" Gray asked.

Kai bristled again as he turned to the old alpha. "That chamber belongs to the alpha of the clan.  Me. You will bed down in the front of the cave." He knew he was being deliberately insulting but he didn't care.  The old alpha needed to be reminded of his treachery, and Dov needed to see that his status would not be changed with his sire's return.  Kai's mercy only extended so far.

"Very well." Gray made a slight, stiff bow and entered the den.  The other bears watched him disdainfully, but he only sighed a sigh of deep despair and collapsed down onto the floor, pillowing his unkempt head with his frail arms and hiding his face. Kai could hear faint, stifled sobs.

"Ayla, bring him a pelt," Kai ordered.

The female moved quickly to cover the old man with an ancient elkskin.  "Little Ayla, how you have grown," Gray murmured through his tears as exhaustion made his eyelids droop.

"I have, Gray," she replied, her tone carefully neutral. She looked up at Kai and bowed her head in submission.  She was worried that assisting the old alpha could be seen as a betrayal. 

Kai sensed her disquiet and raised his voice. "Gray has the status of a cub.  He is to be cared for but has no vote.  His word means nothing to you. Do you agree?"

Faron, who had not left his side, exhaled a sigh of relief once the hierarchy was established. It was disquieting to their bears to be faced with another alpha, even one as frail and aged as Gray. "It will be done," he thought and the rest of the clan agreed.  He reached for, but could find no link with Dov, though.  The beta had severed his mental link with the clan.  Another insubordination that would be dealt with harshly.

From the shadows, Mathe stepped forward, wearing his human form with a comfort Kai could never match. "You showed mercy where it was needed," the ambassador observed.  "That is a distinctly human trait."

Kai turned to the ambassador.  His hackles were raised at the perceived insult, but the omega held up his hands. "That was not meant as a slight. In my clan, we honor both sides of our nature equally. I must speak to you."

Kai turned from regarding the old alpha. The man was asleep already, as tiny and fragile as a newborn child.  It bothered Kai to see him so diminished, in spite of his treachery.  Was that what moving in the human world had done to him?

With an effort, Kai wrenched his thoughts away from Gray and back to the negotiations. "Speak what you will say," he told Mathe. "I am eager to begin the next stage

Mathe turned his palms upward, a gesture of supplication.  "I will confess that what I have seen here, living with you for the past moon, made me hesitant about merging our two clans."

Kai bristled and a low snarl rumbled in his throat.  "You dare...?"

Mathe bowed his head. "Let me explain. Your taboos seemed to have lost you to your humanity. My clan lives in both the human and the bear world. We move between them with ease, and I worried that your clan could not do the same. But now I see that your humanity is still there, lurking under the surface"  Mathe smiled widely and genuinely.  "You will need assistance to regain it fully, but for now I have seen what I need to see to make a case to Marrok, my alpha.  I will recommend that the merging of our clans be completed by the next full moon."

Kai exhaled, then reached out his hand.  Mathe clasped his wrist.  "We will be brothers soon enough, Kai.  I am looking forward to it."

"I am ready," Kai said simply. 

Faron shuffled nearer, having heard everything.  "May I ask a question of the ambassador?"

"Go ahead, Faron."

Faron looked at the omega with hope in his eyes.  "Is it true that you have matable females in your clan?"

Mathe's eyes twinkled. "Several.  You will learn their names and their ways in time.  For now I will just warn you, temper your expectations.  Our women are fiery and just as apt to fight as our men."

Faron's eyes glittered. "That sounds...appealing."

Mathe laughed easily. "You may find your fated mate, you may not, but at least you will have fun in seeking," he cried, clapping Faron on the back while the beta flushed red.

"I do not intend to sire heirs with anyone other than my fated mate," Faron declared nobly.

Kai laughed at his beta's sudden prudishness. "A lifetime may go by before you find your fated mate.  Why deny yourself pleasure in the mean time?" But even as he spoke the words, Kai realized how hollow they sounded to him now. Now that he had found Noelle, the very idea of mating with another female made him nauseated.

The beta and the omega were watching him carefully, both of them tuned in to his whirl of emotions. He needed to distract them before he betrayed himself...or Noelle.  "Let us feast tonight," he declared.  "Dov, Lorn, Turi, we will require meat."

The young and old males loped out into the night.  The moon was now high in the sky, but the feasts would carry on until the dawn.  Kai could not help but smile as he helped with preparations, assisting Ayla with the pounding of herbs for their ceremonial drink, stripping the flesh from the trio of trout brought in by Dov, shouting with pleasure as Lorn proudly presented a whitetail buck.  He even woke Gray and presented him with some berries and a choice slab of meant.  The old alpha stared into the ceremonial fires, unmoved by the festivities around him, lost in thoughts he would not share with the group.

But as the night wore on, the air grew still and anxiety grew inside Kai.  He stepped out of the closeness of the den and inhaled the deep chill.  After several panicked breaths, Noelle's faint scent finally hit his nostrils. He realized that his anxiety was from her absence. 

Suddenly the weight of his role in the clan settled heavily on his shoulders.  There were still negotiations to be made, there was still Gray to deal with, there was the work of marking new territory and claiming a new den.  All of this would be snatching time away from Noelle, time spent listening to her speak and inhaling the scent that wafted off of her hair.  It would take time away from clutching her close to his chest and feeling the tight bud of her trust in him begin to bloom. 

"Faron," he called over the noise of the feast.

"Yes, Kai." His beta was instantly at his side.

"Tomorrow you, Dov, and Lorn will go with Mathe to survey the new borders of our combined territory."

"All of us?" His confusion was understandable.  Marking territory was usually a solitary job. 

Kai lowered his voice.  Faron moved closer to hear him. "I want you to report back to me.  I get the impression that Mathe thinks he is doing us a charity by allowing the merger.  I want to make sure that we will reap advantages as well.  And I know he will not speak freely in front of an alpha, but he may well betray his confidence to you."

Faron nodded in quick submission.  "I will do this," he replied eagerly. 

"Thank you, my brother." He clasped his shoulder quickly and sent him away, feeling slightly guilty. 

"Ayla!" he called to the solitary female.

She stood up quickly and scurried to his side.  Kai considered her.  Her fierce instincts as a mother could be used to his advantage here. "Ayla, if we are going to merge with a new clan, then we must show our strengths.  You were once one of our best hunters. Tomorrow you will take your cubs out and give them an intense day of training at your side.  I want them to both be as accomplished as you by the next moon."

Ayla's eyes widened.  She loved to hunt, but the demands of raising her twins had kept her confined to the den for far too long. "I will do this," she exhaled happily.  "Thank you, Kai."

"Enjoy yourself, sister," he nodded, clasping her shoulder.

That left only old Turi. The ancient bear slept more than he was awake, cared for by Lorn and Ayla.  He would not worry about him. Nor would he spare a thought for Gray.

Everyone had his or her duties. Tomorrow would be his and his alone.  Kai fell asleep dreaming of Noelle.

I heard Kai steal away softly into the night and I thought for sure that I wouldn't sleep. When the paramedics took my Gran's body, they left the cabin ringing with silence. I had called Gabby and told her the news, and she promised to follow up with the funeral home.  "Try to sleep now, Ellie," she murmured into the phone, ever the protective big sister. "We can both rest easy knowing we did right by her."

I felt a twinge of guilt at that, remembering how I had left Gran by herself. I pressed my lips together and nodded along, not wanting Gabby to know the truth: that I was off falling for a strange man while my grandmother lay dying alone.

I lay on my mattress.  I could have moved into the master bed for the night, but I wasn't ready to acknowledge that it would be empty.  So I scrunched myself down on the thin, inadequate cushion and pulled the crocheted afghan further up over my face.  I had always preferred to sleep with covers over my head.  It made me feel safe and warm in my cocoon, like an animal in its den.  I thought of the bear who had crossed my path out there in the woods, the one with the strange amber eyes that reminded me so vividly of Kai's.  The stew he had served me sat warm in my belly, and I felt a peaceful bliss settle into my limbs. 

And then I slept like a dead woman.

The morning dawned bright and chill and still I slept on.  The sun was high in the sky, lighting the whole of the valley floor before I finally stirred from my hibernation.  When I blinked at the window, the robin flitted by in a flash of red, alighting in the branch to feed her hungry chicks.

I pushed myself up from my mattress and stretched my stiff limbs.  I had nothing to do today, no one to watch over, no obligations until my Grandmother's ashes were prepared.  Nothing to do except wait for Kai.

He had made me promise to hike with him.  Outside the sun shone brilliantly, the angle of the rays higher and stronger as the season slipped into summer.  It didn't seem fair that the world went on like this, without even acknowledging my Gran's leaving it.  And it felt like an even further betrayal as I laced up my hiking boots and sat watching the door excitedly.

His tread on the porch made me leap from my perch on the edge of the sofa and run quickly to the door.  When I opened the door to see him standing there, his broad shoulders backlit by the brilliant sunshine, my heart leapt wildly. Without giving it another thought, I flung my arms around his shoulders and pulled his face down to mine.

When his lips found mine, I let out a strangled little moan.  The touch of his mouth sent shockwaves of sweet agony right through me.  I felt my insides crash downward and my blood ran hot and pulsing.

He answered my moan with a guttural sound of his own.  It wasn't quite human, the sounds that emanated from his throat.  They were almost frightening. Almost but not quite. 

Because something inside of me answered those noises with cries of my own as his lips moved down from my mouth and found the sensitive skin of my throat.  Trailing a line of kisses downward, I could feel his hot breath against my sensitive earlobe.  I gasped and clutched him more tightly, marveling at the rock hard feel of his muscles under my fingertips.  The power that radiated from his body had me just as breathless as the heat he drew from his kisses.  I was going to lose control. 

"I thought," I gasped, "I thought you were going to take me on a hike?"

"I will take you, anywhere you want to go," he answered, his ragged breath rasping in my ear.

I heard the double meaning in his words and my core clutched at itself.  I wanted him to take me, there was no denying it.  And there was nothing stopping me except the deep anxious knowledge that this was wrong, so very wrong.  I had known him for one day; one horrible, heartbreaking day.  It was disrespectful to my mother's memory, to my grandmother's memory, to my sister's efforts. It was an affront to all of my family that I was behaving this way.  

Through a sheer surge of willpower, I pulled myself away from his arms.  Instantly I felt cold and bereft, but I squared my shoulders, tamping down the hot desire that still thrummed through my veins. "Take me somewhere beautiful," I urged. "I want to see a view."

He stepped back, disappointed.  Then he did that odd little head duck that so startled me yesterday.  "I know the place," he said, his head pointed down as his amber eyes looked up at me.

"What is that?" I demanded.

"What is what?"

"That thing," I exploded, frustrated that I couldn't find a name for what he was doing.  "With your head, how you're looking down and looking at me at the same time."

Kai's eyes widened, and he lifted his chin. "I do not know what you are talking about."  He seemed utterly offended. 

I pressed my lips together, ready to drop it.  But my ragged, confused feelings for this man demanded to be reconciled.  "You look at me like that whenever I argue with you.  Why?"

Kai opened his mouth. For one moment, the briefest span of time so quick I could have missed it if I blinked, the air
vibrated
around him.  There was a shimmer that wasn't there before, and his features swam together like an oil painting touched with turpentine.  I blinked rapidly, trying to put him back together again, but his face was swimming before me. And out of the indistinct muddle, a new form emerged.  Snapping amber eyes over an elongated nose, his mouth stretching wider and his teeth growing sharper.

I screamed and suddenly the mirage was gone.  Kai clutched me by the shoulder as I stared at him, terrified.

"Noelle," he cried.  "Are you hurt?"

"What the fuck was that?"

He looked away. "What did you see?"

I stared at him.  He knew what had happened, but he was pretending not to.  Just like he was pretending not to know what I meant when I asked him about how he looked at me.

I felt a strange feeling of mistrust bubble upward.  Though my body cried out in protest, I took a step back from him.  "Maybe I had better not go with you today," I said, forcing the words out of my unwilling mouth.  "Things are a little...weird for me right now."

Kai made a rumbling noise, low in his throat.  It sounded like a deep, echoing bass note that I could feel in my toes.  "If you're trying to get me to stop feeling weird, that's not the way to go about it," I said warily, stepping back into the house.

The noise stopped instantly and Kai whirled suddenly to stare me full in the face.  His amber eyes snapped angrily, and his lip curled up into a fearsome snarl.  "Noelle, I will go now," he growled, low and dangerous.  "I cannot make you understand until you are ready.  All I can promise you is that, if ever you need me, call on me and I will be at your side in an instant."

And then he was gone, striding across the field and into the woods before I could even take a moment to gather my thoughts.

I staggered back into the cabin and slowly collapsed to the floor.  Sadness and hurt competed with confusion and anger inside of me, my emotions swirling in a maddening muddle.  I felt his loss like I had lost a limb, but I couldn't understand why it was hurting so badly.  He was frightening and strange, but I wanted him to stay with me because I had never felt so safe with anyone.

I reached out and caught the door with my fingertips, pushing it closed to block out the brilliant sunshine.  Then I crawled slowly across the floor to my mattress and sank heavily into it, pulling the covers over my head and curling into a tight ball.

And then I wept. For my Gran, for my mother and for the loss of something precious that had ended before it even began.