Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (34 page)

They were hunted and persecuted on every side, so as their former afflictions were as flea-bitings in comparison of these which now came upon them. For some were taken and clapt up in prison, others had their houses besett and watcht night and day…. Yet, seeing themselves thus molested, and that there was no hope of their continuance there, but a joynt consent, they resolved to goe into the Low Countries, where they heard was freedom of religion for all men.

The “Low Countries” he referred to were the Netherlands. Brewster and the other Separatists had relocated to Amsterdam, where there was no oppressive church rule and where, because the Dutch were frequent trading partners with the English, the Separatists felt they would be welcome. And they were…at first.

REFUGEES

After a short time in Amsterdam, the Separatists settled in Leiden, Holland. But life wasn’t much better there. The few educated “Saints,” as the Separatists were called in Holland, found work at the university; most of them, however, settled for low-paying laborer jobs. In addition, the Leiden Separatists were often ridiculed for their devout faith by the local Dutch people (some Saints were even stoned in public). Many also feared that their children were losing their English identity. On top of all that, the Dutch were preparing to wage war against Spain. So after a decade of struggle, most of the Separatists chose, as Bradford later wrote, to “return to the prisons of England rather than endure the hardships in Holland.”

Hi, Mom!

A NEW WORLD

King James, they knew, would not welcome them back. In fact, when he learned that several Separatists were returning, James threatened them with exile…unless they pledged allegiance to the Church of England. They refused.

But where else could they go? John Robinson, pastor of the Leiden Separatists in Holland, spoke of a place across the ocean, an English settlement called Jamestown. The colony had been established a few years earlier, and those who returned told of millions of unclaimed acres of fertile land. But there were dangers: lawlessness and anarchy in Jamestown, a few unprovoked Indian attacks, and heretofore unknown diseases. Bradford recalled the group’s hesitation as well as their resolve: “It was granted the dangers were great, but not desperate; the difficulties were many, but not invincible.”

Ultimately, emigrating was the only move that made sense. They were a people without a place, and this “America” was a place without many people. So in the spring of 1620, the decision was made—a small group of Separatists would make a pilgrimage to America and build a town that would welcome more of their brethren in the future. A delegation of Separatists asked King James to give them a charter and free passage to America; James refused, but promised not to arrest them if they left on their own. The first order of business: Find a ship.

THE
MAYFLOWER

The first historical reference to the
Mayflower
is found in a 1609 Port of London record. The entry indicates that she was a merchant ship traveling between England and the Baltic ports of Northern Europe, transporting “hats, hemp, Spanish salt, hops, vinegar, and Gascon wine” to Drontheim, Norway, and returning with “tar, deals [lumber], and herring.” The ship’s master was Christopher Jones. (Only British naval ships had captains; merchant ships had masters.) The
Mayflower
was just one of hundreds of similar British sailing vessels. Even the name
Mayflower
was a common moniker for ships back then.

Coca-Cola slogan from 1906: “The Great National Temperance Beverage.”

Although this M
ayflower
would become one of the most significant ships in history, to the Separatists she was little more than a ship for hire. And to Master Jones, the Pilgrims weren’t pioneers, they were paying customers…he hoped.

Jones named a price that was beyond the Separatists’ means. But they were determined to go to America, so they offered Jones and his crew food and valuables to make up the difference. The deal was done. But if Jones had even an inkling of the trouble that awaited him, he might have stuck to shipping cargo.

PRESSURE TO LEAVE

Time was of the essence. Midsummer was already approaching, and the Separatists needed to leave before the late summer storms began. They also needed to reach America by autumn to ensure sufficient time to build shelter before winter set in. Adding to the time crunch, they had to take the longer, northern route to avoid the tropical shipping lanes that were commonly patrolled by pirates. And at this point, most of the group wasn’t even in England—they were still in Holland.

It soon became evident that the M
ayflower
wasn’t large enough to carry the 140 passengers and everything they needed to build a town. So the Separatists hired a second, smaller ship called the
Speedwell
. After Pastor John Robinson’s farewell sermon, they set sail for America, wondering if they would ever see England again. They would…and soon: Shortly after they reached the open sea, the
Speedwell
sprang a leak.

Both ships had to return to port, where most of the passengers and their belongings were combined onto the
Mayflower
. There was now so little room on board that some of the Separatists who lived in England volunteered to stay behind and remain in hiding for another year. The rest jammed their families onto the already packed
Mayflower
. It was going to be a long trip.

How would they fare in the North Atlantic?
To find out, turn to Part III of the story on
page 396
.

Go, Charlie, go! By the age of 15, a tuna may have swum over one million miles.

BAD PRESS

Anyone who’s ever worked on a newspaper, newsletter, magazine, or other publication (including a
Bathroom Reader
) has made these kinds of goofs. They’re not fun…but they’re funny
.

A
FINE METH
City Pages
, a Minneapolis weekly newspaper, ran its annual “Best of the Twin Cities” article in April 2006. Along with such categories as Best Newscaster, Best Museum Exhibit, and Best Theater, they listed Best Cheap Thrill. The winner: “Crystal meth, the drug
methamphetamine
.” Despite a firestorm of protest from readers and law-enforcement officials, editor Steve Perry wouldn’t apologize, and explained that it was just a joke: “Though it may come as a shock to talk-radio tubthumpers and even a few of our readers,” he wrote, “every ‘Best of the Twin Cities’ issue we’ve ever done has contained items that were mainly satiric in intent. This is one.” That provoked even more of a firestorm; Perry apologized the next day.

WE’RE NOT STOOPID

The University of Dayton’s newspaper,
Flyer News
, ran an article by a communications major decrying the unfair portrayal of communications majors as unintelligent. The headline: “Communications Majors as Smart as Anyone, Stigma Is ‘Ignorant’ and Rediculous.” (They misspelled “ridiculous.”) A popular Internet site caught the gaffe and brought the paper some unwanted ridicule.
Flyer
editor-in-chief Jerry Martin was quick to point out that the article’s author, junior Lauren Caggiano, did not write the headline and added, “Every newspaper makes mistakes. Most of them just aren’t as ironic as that one.”

THEY’RE COMING TO GOT US?

In 2004
The New York Times
ran a front-page article headlined, “In Tape, Top Aide to Bin Laden Vows New Strikes at U.S.,” and quoted what they claimed was a transcript of a newly released tape in which an al-Qaeda aide said, “Bush, reinforce your security measures,” and warned of impending and devastating attacks. The only problem: The transcript was from a tape sent
seven months
earlier that had received wide publicity at the time. Two days later the paper printed a correction and an apology.

Terminal velocity of a golf ball: 90 mph. Bowling ball: 350 mph.

ANOTHER FINE METH

In early 2006, the weekly
New Times
of San Luis Obispo, California, ran a cover story entitled “Meth Made Easy.” The story included an interview with a longtime meth user, a section titled “What You Can Expect from Your Homemade Meth” (example: “Meet, greet, and sleep with more people than you ever imagined”), and “Meth Fun Facts.” In addition to some gruesome facts about meth use, there was this: “A simple meth recipe can turn a $50 investment in cold pills and chemicals into an $8,000 to $10,000 profit.” The outcry was so great that in the following week’s issue, Editor Jim Mullen, who had given a staff writer the assignment and approved the story, wrote a 1,335-word “explanation and apology.” Not good enough: A week later he resigned.

JUSTICE SAMUEL ASSASSIN

In January 2006, during the Senate confirmation hearings for Samuel Alito’s nomination to the Supreme Court, the Purdue University student newspaper,
The Exponent
, ran a front-page brief. See if you can spot the error:

Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito told senators Monday that good judges don’t have an agenda, don’t look for partisan outcomes and always “do what the law requires” as the Senate opened hearings on President Bush’s choice for the high court. “A judge can’t have any agenda. A judge can’t have a preferred outcome in any particular case,” Alito told the Judiciary Committee in a brief statement in which he made a distinction between judges and attorneys working for clients. His motive for shooting Pope John Paul in the abdomen on May 13, 1981, remains unclear.

The same day of the Alito hearing, it was announced that Mahmet Ali Agca, who had tried to assassinate the pope in 1981, was being released from prison in Turkey, and the stories got mixed up. The editors quickly issued a correction, explaining that the error had been made by sloppy cutting and pasting, and that there was no ill intent involved.

Mmmmm… There are over 44,000 Asian restaurants in the U.S. and Canada.

STATE NICKNAMES

You see them on license plates, postcards, and road signs. Ever wonder what they mean? Here are the stories behind a few of them
.

E
mpire State
.
From 1788 to 1790, New York City was the capital of the United States, prompting George Washington to refer to it as “the seat of the Empire.”

Yellowhammer State
.
During the Civil War, members of the Alabama militia wore a yellow patch of fabric on their shoulders, prompting the nickname, “the Yellowhammers.”

Golden State
.
Gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill in California in 1848. The Gold Rush brought so many people to the territory that within two years California qualified for statehood.

Centennial State
.
Colorado became a state in 1876, the 100th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.

Keystone State
.
A keystone is a central stone in an arch that holds all the other stones together. At a rally for President Thomas Jefferson in 1802, a delegate called Pennsylvania “the keystone of the federal union.”

Sunshine State
.
Florida. It’s sunny there.

Hoosier State
.
John Finley wrote a poem about Indiana, titled “The Hoosier’s Nest,” which became popular when it was published in the
Indianapolis Journal
in 1833. “Hoosier” then became a slang term for an Indiana resident. Although the word’s origins are unclear, one theory is that it’s a greeting from Indiana’s frontier days: One person would shout “Hello, the cabin!” from far away, to avoid getting shot. Someone in the house would yell back, “Who’s there?” which got slurred to “Hoosier.”

Silver State
.
A massive reserve of silver, the Comstock Lode, was discovered in Nevada in 1859.

Garden State
.
Travelers who drive on the New Jersey Turnpike and see the state’s oil refineries and shopping malls might be surprised to know that it was once mostly farmland.

Sorry, Mississippi: Nebraska has more miles of river than any other state.

Show Me State
.
Nineteenth-century congressman Willard Vandiver once commented that people in Missouri are so stubborn, they don’t believe anything unless they can see it. The name stuck.

Tar Heel State
.
Legend says that during a Civil War battle, a troop of North Carolina soldiers were left fighting all alone. Battalions from other states had either perished or fled, but the North Carolinians stayed, “as if their heels were stuck to the ground with tar.” Reflecting both their perseverance (and North Carolina’s tar industry), the troop became known as “the tar heel boys.”

Equality State
.
Wyoming was the first state to give women the right to vote.

Land of 10,000 Lakes
.
What state? Minnesota, where there are actually more than
12,000
lakes.

Sooner State
.
In 1884 the former Indian territory of Oklahoma was opened to white settlers, who could claim property in a series of scheduled land runs. But a few sneaky settlers went in “too soon” and claimed the best parcels of land before the rush officially began. They earned the nickname “sooners.”