Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (26 page)

THOSE WERE THE DAYS—MARY HOPKIN

Background:
It was originally a Russian tune called “
Darogoi Dlimmoyo,
” which means “Dear to Me.” The original artist was Alexander Wertinsky, who recorded it in the 1920s.

Chickens can live as long as 14 years.

The English Version:
In the 1950s, a Finnish singer translated it to her native language and recorded it. An American named Gene Raskin heard the record and wrote English lyrics (which were popularized in the U.S. by a folk trio called the Limeliters). In 1965 he and his wife performed the song in a London club called The Blue Angel. Paul McCartney was in the audience.

Three years later, McCartney heard about a 17-year-old Welsh singer named Mary Hopkin, who had appeared on the TV show “Opportunity Knocks” (a London version of “Star Search”) and won three times. The Beatles had just formed Apple Records and were looking for people to record—so McCartney asked her if she wanted to audition. She did, and when she sang for Paul, her high soprano made him think of “Those Were the Days.” He bought the rights to the song, and Hopkin recorded it. Her record was included in a specially boxed introductory set of the first four Apple releases. It became the second million-seller on Apple. (“Hey Jude” was the first.) Worldwide, it sold five million copies.

THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT—THE TOKENS, ROBERT JOHN, & OTHERS

Background:
The original title of this song was “
Mbube
” (which means “lion”); the subject was a sleeping lion. Sample lyrics: “Hush! Hush! If we will all be quiet, there will be lion meat for dinner.” It was sung with a haunting Zulu refrain that sounded, to English-speaking people, like “wimoweh.”

“
Mbube
” was popular on the boats of what is now Swaziland. In the 1930s, a South African singer named Solomon Linda recorded it; then the tune passed into the broad field of folk music. As the 1950s arrived, Miriam Makeba recorded the song in its original Zulu...and an American folk group called the Weavers adapted her version into a Top 15 hit called “Wimoweh.”

The English Version:
In 1961 a Brooklyn doo-wop group called the Tokens were offered a try-out with RCA. Caught up in the folk music boom of the time, they auditioned with “Wimoweh.” The RCA executives liked the song but decided it needed new lyrics, so they wrote “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” for the Tokens—not knowing that the original version had also been about a lion. The Tokens’ record hit #1 in 1961, and Robert John’s was #3 in 1972.

If you’re average, you’ll keep your old magazines for 29 weeks before you toss them out.

In his book
Dear Wit,
H. Jack Lang collected celebrities’ humorous correspondence. Here are a few examples.

G
IVE HIM A BRAKE

In 1872, George Westinghouse asked Cornelius Vanderbilt, multimillionaire president of the New York Central Railroad, to listen to his ideas about developing an “air brake.” Vanderbilt wrote back:

I have no time to waste on fools. —
Vanderbilt

After the brake was successfully tested on another railroad, Vanderbilt wrote Westinghouse asking to see it. Westinghouse wrote back:

I have no time to waste on fools. —
Westinghouse

FIERY WRITING

The celebrated author Somerset Maugham once received a manuscript from a young writer, accompanied by a letter that said:

Do you think I should put more fire into my stories?

Maugham replied:
No. Vice versa.

GIVE HIM A SIGN

In the early 1960s, columnist Leonard Lyons complained to President John F. Kennedy that JFK’s signature was only worth $65 to collectors—compared to $175 for George Washington and $75 for Franklin Roosevelt. Kennedy responded:

Dear Leonard: In order not to depress the market any further, I will not sign this letter.

NO JOKE

A publisher who wanted an endorsement for a humor book sent Groucho Marx a copy and asked for Groucho’s comments. Marx wrote back:

I’ve been laughing ever since I picked up your book. Some day I’m going to read it. —
Groucho

Joe Louis was the world heavyweight boxing champ for 11 years and 252 days.

MAKING THE BREAST OF IT

At dinner, Winston Churchill asked his American hostess, “May I have a breast?” She replied: “In this country, it is customary to ask for white or dark meat.” The next day, as an apology, Churchill sent her an orchid, with a card that said:

Madam: I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat. —
Winston Churchill

ARE YOU SURE?

Phywright Eugene O’Neill received a cable from Hollywood bombshell Jean Harlow asking him to write a play for her. “Reply collect in 20 wards,” the cable requested. O’Neill cabled back:

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

FANCY FOOTWORK

Jack London’s publisher sent him the following letter when the famous novelist missed a publishing deadline:

My dear Jack London: If I do not receive those stories from you by noon tomorrow, I’m going to put on my heaviest soled shoes, come down to your room, and kick you downstairs. I always keep my promises. —
Editor

London wrote back:

Dear Sir: I, too, would always keep my promises if I could fulfill them with my feet. —
Jack London

WHAT’S THE STORY?

After a news item reported that Rudyard Kipling was paid $5 a word for his magazine articles, an autograph collector sent him a check for $5 and a letter asking for a single word. Kipling wrote back:

Thanks. —
Rudyard Kipling

Afterward the autograph-seeker wrote back:

Dear Mr. Kipling: I sold the story of your one-word reply to a magazine for two hundred dollars. The enclosed check is your half.

The average American takes about 60 photographs a year.

Here are a few of Katharine Hepburn’s unscripted comments.

“When I started out, I didn’t have any desire to be an actress or to learn how to act. I just wanted to be famous.”

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”

“If you give audiences half a chance they’ll do half your acting for you.”

“Being a housewife and a mother is the biggest job in the world, but if it doesn’t interest you, don’t do it....I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”

“I find men today less manly...but a woman of my age is not in a position to know exactly how manly they are.”

“Great performing in any field is total simplicity, the capacity to get to the essence, to eliminate all the frills and foibles.”

“If you survive long enough, you’re revered—rather like an old building.”

“I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true.”

“A sharp knife cuts the quickest and hurts the least.”

“Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting. And you don’t do that by sitting around wondering about yourself.”

“What the hell—you might be right, you might be wrong...but don’t just
avoid.
”

“The male sex, as a sex, does not universally appeal to me.”

“You can’t change the music of your soul.”

“Life’s what’s important. Walking, houses, family. Birth and pain and joy. Acting’s just waiting for a custard pie.”

Every day, 46 million Americans buy books.

Remember those great science fiction programs you watched on TV when you were a kid? They had some great opening lines, didn’t they? Here a few of our favorites.

T
HE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN (1953–57)

“Look! In the sky!” “It’s a bird!” “It’s a plane!” “It’s Superman!” “Yes, it’s Superman, strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman, who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel in his bare hands; and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great Metropolitan newspaper, fights a never-ending battle for truth...justice...and the America way!”

CAPTAIN VIDEO (1949-56)

“Captain Video! Master of space! Hero of science! Captain of the Video Rangers! Operating from his secret mountain headquarters on the planet Earth, Captain Video rallies men of good will everywhere. As he rockets from planet to planet, let us follow the champion of justice, truth, and freedom throughout the universe.”

ROD BROWN OF THE ROCKET RANGERS (1955-56)

“CBS television presents...‘Rod Brown of the Rocket Rangers’! Surging with the power of the atom, gleaming like great silver bullets, the mighty Rocket Rangers’ spaceships stand by for blast off!...Up, up, rockets blazing with white hot fury, the man-made meteors ride through the atmosphere, breaking the gravity barrier, pushing up and out, faster and faster and then...outer space and high adventure for...the Rocket Rangers!”

THE TIME TUNNEL (1966-67)

“Two American scientists are lost in the swirling maze of past and future ages during the first experiments on America’s greatest and most secret project—the Time Tunnel. Tony Newman and Doug Phillips now tumble helplessly toward a new, fantastic adventure somewhere along the infinite corridors of time!”

10% of Americans read the
Bible
every day.

STAR TREK (1966-69)

“Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.”

TOM CORBETT, SPACE CADET (1950-56)

“Space Academy, USA, in the world beyond tomorrow. Here the Space Cadets train for duty on distant planets. In roaring rockets, they blast through the millions of miles from Earth to far-flung stars and brave the dangers of cosmic frontiers protecting the liberties of the planets, safeguarding the cause of universal peace in the age of the conquest of space!”

THE TWILIGHT ZONE (1959-63)

“There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.”

SPACE PATROL (1950-56)

“High adventure in the wild, vast regions of space! Missions of daring in the name of interplanetary justice! Travel into the future with Buzz Corey, commander in chief of...the Space Patrol!”

THE OUTER LIMITS (1963-65)

“There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image; make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all you see and hear. We repeat: There is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to...the Outer Limits.”

The U.S. minted 12,837,140 pennies and 2,240,355,488 dimes in 1989.

Here’s more information about carnival booths to look out for—and some tips on how to beat them—from Matthew Gryczan’s book
Carnival Secrets.

T
he Booth:
“Plate Pitch”

The Object:
Players toss dimes onto plates sitting on the heads of large stuffed animals. If a dime remains on the plate, the player wins the animal.

How It’s Rigged:
Some carnival suppliers put their glass plates in a furnace for 48 hours. The heat makes the sides of the plates droop, so the surface of the plate is significantly flatter than that of the same style of plate found in stores. This makes it easier for the dimes to slip off the plates.

• Some operators polish the dishes with furniture wax to make them slippery, or set them on an angle so the coins slide off.

How to Win:
It helps to practice at home for this one.

• The best pitches are thrown softly, in a low arc. According to one manufacturer, if the coin lands flat against the back edge of the plate in Plate Pitch, it will rebound back into the center.

• Toss the coin so it travels in a line to other plates if it skips off the first plate.

The Booth:
“Spill the Milk”

The Object:
Throw a ball and knock down a pyramid of three aluminum bottles shaped like old-fashioned glass milk bottles. Knocking all three pins completely off their stand wins you a prize.

How It’s Rigged:
The bottles look identical, but they don’t always weigh the same amount. Some carnies set a heavier bottle on the bottom row. That way, the ball will hit the lighter two bottles first, and won’t have enough energy to knock the heavy bottle off.

• Some unscrupulous operators fill the bottles with molten lead, so they’re too heavy to be knocked over with a softball. Other operators cast lead in the
side
of the bottle so it can be knocked down, but not off the stand.

• If the player is allowed two shots, there may be a different setup. One bottle may be unweighted, while the remaining two are different weights. The carny sets the unweighted bottle on top and gives the player a heavier softball. If the player strikes the center of the pyramid, the top bottle flies off, the lighter lower bottle is knocked over, and the heavier bottle remains standing. Then the player is given an ultralight ball that can’t be thrown hard enough to knock over the heaviest bottle.