Uncovering Officer Smith (The Discovering Trilogy #2) (39 page)

“Bedford, dear, you’re early. I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow!”

“I couldn’t miss the party of the year!”

His eyes scan the crowd until they meet mine and he shoots me a wink. My brother took way too many years of drama class. But who can blame him with this lifestyle.

“Mother, I hope you don’t mind, but I brought a friend.”

“Beddy, any friend of yours is a friend of the family’s.”

Their voices grow quieter as they talk to each other. My eyes trail back to the open door. The lights on the front of the house play across the snowy front yard, until someone walks into view. Presents are piled in his arms, blocking his face from me. They shift slightly as he descends the three stairs into the foyer. When they lower, I recognize the friend immediately. His hair is slicked back, his suit is perfectly pressed and tailored, and his blue eyes scan the crowd. They were probably looking for my brother but they stop when they meet mine.

I lose all ability to breathe. I haven’t seen him in… months—Over a year, to be more precise. He still takes my breath away. How can he still have this control over me? Even after all this time? Time heals all wounds: that’s what the therapist told me. He said I would get to the point where I could see him again, and all I would feel is pity for the man that would never open his heart to love. Today is not that day.

My mother’s voice slices through my haze. “Becca.” She sighs. “Go help Bedford’s friend.” She sounds disappointed once again.

“Um, okay,” I mutter, walking to meet him at the bottom of the steps.

“Hey.” John awkwardly gets out, while shifting a few presents into my hands.

“Hi, how are you? Welcome to my home.” My practiced speech comes spilling out.

“You’re looking good, Becks.”

I take the presents to the tree and place them on the floor before turning back to him. “I told you I just had to get away. That place was no good for me.”

“That place, or—”

We both know what he wants to say but he never gets the chance. My brother comes bounding over, putting his arm around John. “Becky, you remember Smith, right?”

I nod. “Yes, I do.”

“I’m sure you do.” He leans in from prying ears and winks to me. I playfully punch him. “Becca-roni, you’re looking awfully svelte! Have you been working out?”

“Only so I can kick your ass.”

He pinches my growing bicep. “Oh, I’d like to see you try.” With that, he turns and starts making his way through our guests as the perfect son.

John looks a little nervous as he glances after him. “I, I didn’t mean to surprise you.”

“It’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting to see you,” I murmur, tugging at the bottom of my dress again.

“If this is weird, I can leave. We just ran into each other and Ford told me to come. I didn’t even think –”

“No.” I sigh. “No, it’s really good to see you.”

Then I turn and walk away. I’ve walked away from John Smith for the second time. He is my kryptonite and I am finally strong enough to let him go. I’m in a good place. I don’t think he was ever intentionally trying to hurt me, but I don’t think he was ready for me. I certainly wasn’t ready for him.

My eyes follow her around the room. That red dress is hard to miss amongst the black tie event. She looks great. There is color in her cheeks again. Her hair falls well down her back and is curled into little perfect ringlets. Her body has changed, as well. She’s been working out, her arms defined, her legs tighter. The biggest change of all has to be the smile on her face. Not the fake smile she gives to her parent’s friends. The smile she gave me, the laugh she gives her brother when they pass in the mass of people. She’s really happy. All she had to do was get away from Angelica, away from
me
. I was right – I wasn’t any good for her.

“Have you talked to her?” Ford’s voice breaks my daydream.

“Um, not since before.”

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

“I… She looks so happy. I don’t want to ruin that.”

“Smith, I know my sister. I see the way you are looking at each other. There is more left unsaid between you guys than you realize.”

“She hates me.”

“Hate is just unrequited love.” With that, he leaves me next to the eggnog. I’ve probably had too much already, but I ladle another cup.

It’s been at least an hour and I still haven’t gotten the nerve to talk to Becca again. I was wrong. I’ve been wrong all along. April wasn’t the one that got away. It was
Becca
. The worst part was, I let her leave. I wander down the vast hallways. This place is huge. I never realized how much money the Swanson’s had. I slip into an open door. Bookshelves line the walls and a huge mahogany desk is the centerpiece of the room. I make my way to the leather couch in the center and collapse. I think I’ve had too much eggnog for one night. I have a feeling I’m not going to be able to drive home. How am I going to spend a night here in Becca’s family home and not even be able to speak to her?

“John?” As if answering my prayer, she appears from the shadows. “Are you hiding from the vultures, as well?”

“I never realized how much you had to deal with at home.”

“This is only the tip of the iceberg.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We didn’t exactly have a deep, confiding relationship.”

I nod even though the words hurt me. I want her to confide in me. I crave to be her everything. “You’re right. We didn’t really have a relationship.”

“We did for a little while.” She leans on the edge of the desk beside the couch.

I have no words, so instead I sit there wallowing in the unspoken for a little while. “I’m sorry,” I finally get the nerve to say.

“It’s okay. I’m in a better place now.”

“I see that. You look great, Becca.” She blushes; almost as red as that dress she’s wearing. My eyes wander up the sexy legs to the high hem of that dress. My own body starts to sweat. God, I’ve missed her. “I guess I wasn’t good for you after all.”

“It just wasn’t the right time, for either of us.” She fumbles over her words too. I see her pick up a glass of what looks like whiskey.

“Bec—”

“Don’t worry, it’s only iced tea.”

I watch as she sips it before placing it in her lap. “They say time heals all wounds,” she pauses, “But they leave their scars, John.”

“I’m so sorry, Becca,” I interrupt. “I never meant to hurt you. I was only trying to protect myself.” It seems like our months apart have made me bolder than I thought, or it’s the alcohol. “In the end I hurt us both.” My head falls. “I didn’t see that you were hurting. I didn’t even notice what I was doing. I was so wrapped up in protecting myself that I–”

“I don’t understand, because there were times you were trying to protect me, as well.”

“I couldn’t help how I felt. I would never have let anything happen to you. I just wouldn’t allow myself to feel.”

“To feel? We had a whole summer of feeling! We
felt
all over the pace, if I recall.” She smirks, bringing the glass to her lips again.

“That we did.” I smile and meet her eyes again—So blue, so perfect. “I never meant to hurt you, Becca. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you just stop talking to me?” Her voice is pained, even after all this time.

“Your brother.”

“Bedford?” She gasps.

“Yes, he saw you leaving my apartment that last time. He told me if I ever touched you again he’d kill me.”

She’s silent. “I had no idea.”

“He was right. I was no good for you.”

“You could have just talked to me, John. We could have worked things out or ended amicably.”

“I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to feel, and I didn’t want to hurt.”

“And how’s that working out for you?”

“It’s not,” I answer truthfully. “Becca, you’ve left your scar, as well.” She pauses in her drinking to place the cup down on the desk as I continue. “You’ve left a scar on my heart; a deep one—One that I don’t know will ever close.”

“John.” The way she whispers my name makes my insides twist.

“You were never second to anyone, I want you to know. I felt more for you in a few months than I had with anyone in my entire life, and that is exactly what scared me. You had more power over me than anyone ever had. You had the power to destroy me and I couldn’t allow anyone to have that. But I didn’t realize that it would hurt me even more to let you go. It ripped me apart. I may not have shown it to you, but it did. You left your scar, Becca.”

“You caused me a lot of scars,” she finally responds.

“I know.”

“You… had so many opportunities, you could have—”

“I know.”

“You let me go.”

I’m on my feet. “I know. I replay that moment repeatedly inside my head. I could have said a million things; I should have said a million things. If I could do it over, I would have chased after you, called after you, told you not to leave. But I can’t. I can’t change time. I can’t go back.”

Silence envelops the room. We’re both looking at the floor, neither strong enough to look the other in the eye as we search for words.

Becca speaks first. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

My heart shatters inside of me. This is it. The moment I deserve. “Okay,” is all I can utter.

“I wasn’t ready to hear it and wouldn’t have believed it.” She sighs. “I needed time to heal.” She pauses once more. I can’t breathe, as the air between us seems to hang in the balance until she finally says, “I’m ready to hear it now.”

I meet her eyes. They are soft, glistening, if I didn’t know any better. “Becca, I had a plan. Keep my head down and hustle through life. I didn’t have time for relationships or drama. I’ve avoided relationships almost my entire life. I never wanted to hurt, or distracted. With you, suddenly all that went out the window. You are everything I told myself I didn’t want. You tumbled your way into my life and everything got hazy. Nothing was clear anymore and even more dangerous for me, because all I could think about was you. I had to put a stop to that. When I pulled back completely, I didn’t realize what it would do to
me
. Becca, you left a void inside of me, something I couldn’t fill with work or the gym or other women. When you left, so did a piece of me. When you got hurt, so did I. When you were taken advantage of, I felt as if I did too. You see, Becks, you could never be second best –
you
were the one that got away. It’s like you are a part of something deep inside of me that I can’t explain, I can’t get rid of, and I can’t let it go. I know I don’t deserve it and my timing is horrible, but I couldn’t let another day pass without telling you.”

I sigh.
Here goes nothing
. “I love you, Rebecca Swanson. I think I’ve been in love with you since the day you lay unconscious on my shoulder. I wasn’t man enough to admit it then. But I am now. I love you. I fucking love you. And as much as it kills me that I royally screwed everything up, I think you still deserve to know.”

A smile spreads across her face. She glances away. “I’ve loved you too.”

Silence spreads once more. She used past tense: loved me. Maybe she isn’t ready. My heart is pounding in my chest and I have to say more. “Where does this leave us?”

“Well, usually there’s a kiss or something involved with these kind of confessions.”

“Oh, so you want me to—Uh, okay.” I walk up to her, placing her little face in the palm of my hand. Her blue eyes gleam up at me, definitely tearing now. Maybe mine are too. Softly, I place my lips to hers.

It starts out gentle, but once I feel Becca’s lips, all the months apart seem to catch up to us. My mouth parts hers, and I pull her in close. Her arms wrap around my waist, closing the space between us. She hops up onto the desk, her legs wrapping around me.

The door to the study creaks opens behind us. We both pause, lipstick all over her mouth and mine.

Ford’s eyes glance over us. “Oh, good you guys have talked…” He looks around the room. “Okay, um, well, this is weird—I’m going to go.”

The door clicks closed behind him. We turn back to face each other.

“Was this his idea?” Her eyes search mine.

“Yeah,” I admit as my fingers run along the neckline of her tight dress. “He called me at work, told me there was an emergency, and to get to his house as soon as possible.” I sigh. “When I got there he had a suit already waiting for me.”