Undeniable (17 page)

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“I didn’t like Jace because he didn’t treat you right. He was blind to what was right in front of him. But not only did I hate him because he didn’t work his ass off just to make you smile, but because I wanted you to myself. Whenever you were with him, all I felt was pain. I thought sleeping around would make me feel better but it didn’t. It just made me feel worse.

“When I saw him with someone else, I snapped. I slammed a broken beer bottle on his head and almost killed him. I was pulled back so I wouldn’t end his life then and there. Knowing I found a reason to end your relationship with him gave me no satisfaction. I was livid that he would take you for granted. You didn’t deserve that kind of pain.

“And when I found the proof to make you leave him, I hated myself. I didn’t want to show it to you. I didn’t want you to see it. When you’re in pain, I’m in pain. If I could rewrite history, I would make Jace be the boyfriend you wanted just so you could be happy, even if that meant I couldn’t have you myself. Never in my life have I had selfless thoughts, but with you, you’re always first.

“The moment he was gone from your life, I stopped hooking up. I knew you needed time to recover, and I knew there was no guarantee that you might feel something for me when you were ready to, but I couldn’t stand the idea of being with someone else when I felt this strongly about you. I don’t want any other girl in my bed. I just want you.

“When I saw you come home with that guy, I snapped again. Not only did I not want you to be with someone besides me, but I didn’t want you to make a mistake you would regret. The fact you feel like you need to change because of Jace breaks my heart, because you’re damn perfect the way you are. Maybe he doesn’t see every good piece of you, but I do. I see everything, Alaska. You’re the first girl who’s ever made me jealous, to make me take a harder look at myself, and the first one to make me take a risk. I’m so scared of getting burned again, but I can’t stand in the cold a moment longer when I feel your warmth every day.

“When I kissed you, it just solidified my feelings even more. I’ve never felt that explosive energy before. My lips burned long after you were gone. My body yearned for you. I fantasized about that moment a million times but I never imagined how wonderful it would be. It felt right, Alaska. It felt like you were the only girl I’d ever kissed. When I took you to my bed, believe me, I didn’t want to stop. But I wanted it to happen when I meant more to you. The last thing I ever wanted to be was someone you would regret, someone you wouldn’t trust to protect you.”

My breathing increased as I processed his words. I knew there was something between us, but I didn’t expect those beautiful words. Ash and I butted heads from the beginning but so much had changed. I couldn’t recall when it happened, but the night he held my hand outside the galley is when it all began. Jace was in my life so I was immune to the feeling, but it was always there.

Ash watched my reaction. “I don’t just want to be your friend. I want to be something more. I can’t pretend that I don’t think about you every second of the day. I can’t pretend that I’m not dying to hold you. I can’t pretend that I wouldn’t sacrifice everything just to make you smile. I can’t pretend that I don’t care because I do. More than I ever thought possible.”

I stood still, hearing his words echo in my mind. I didn’t expect such a heartfelt conversation to happen on my doorstep. But it did. “Honestly, I never expected you to say any of that.”

“I didn’t either,” he whispered.

“I…I feel something for you too.” I didn’t see the point in denying it. “Knowing you were there for me when I needed someone made me realize how different you were. Every conversation we’d had only revealed how much of a mask you put on. I’ve always known you were a sweet guy despite the façade you project. I don’t know when my feelings started, but they are there.”

His hands moved around my waist, resting on my hips. He never touched me that way before. The gesture was foreign but comfortable at the same time.

“And when we kissed…I felt something.”

He moved closer to me, his hips almost touching mine.

The closeness between us felt right. No one except Jace had touched me this way, But I felt like Ash had done it a thousand times. His hips pressed into my skin with just the right amount of pressure, making me feel alive but safe at the same time.

But I couldn’t deny the scars on my heart. I couldn’t lie and say trust came easy for me. Jace hurt me more than I cared to admit, and it made me question everything, even people I loved. We’d only been broken up for two months. That wasn’t long enough for me to move on. And I wasn’t sure if I even wanted a relationship again. “But I don’t think I can give you what you’re asking of me…”I closed my eyes as I said it, feeling horrible for rejecting him.

He moved his fingers under my chin then lifted my face, making my eyes open. “Why?”

“Jace…” I didn’t need more words to explain it.

“I’m nothing like him. I’ll always tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it. I’ll never hurt you or lie to you. I’ve never been in a relationship because no woman has ever captured my heart the way you do. You’re the only one, Alaska. I don’t want anyone else but you. Don’t be scared.”

“I just can’t do it…I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m not ready to give myself away yet. I’m not ready to trust someone implicitly. It’s just too hard right now. I don’t have a heart because Jace burned everything he left behind…”

“Don’t say that.” His voice was gentle. “Don’t let him win, Alaska.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to you. You’d only get a part of me when you deserve the whole thing.”

“I’m okay with that. I will protect and love whatever you give me. In time, I’ll make it grow.”

“You’re such a great guy, Ash. You deserve to be with someone who can do this the right way.”

“That would solve my problem if there was someone else. But there isn’t. I would much rather struggle in a relationship with a woman with a broken heart than be lonely with a line of girls and meaningless sex. Alaska, please.”

“Please don’t make me hurt you…”

“We can take it slow. I’m not asking for a marriage.”

“But I care about you…”

His eyes softened when he looked at me.

“And I can never hurt someone I respect so much. You deserve to be treated right. I could never forgive myself if I hurt you the way Jace hurt me. You don’t deserve to be with someone who is only going to give half her effort because that’s all she has to give. I don’t ever want you to wish I would give you what you need. I don’t want you to regret. I don’t want you to feel hurt…”

“In case you didn’t know, all relationships result in pain. They are hard work, they are tiring, and they are risky. But people keep doing it over and over again because of all the joy they feel. I’m willing to get my heart broken for those moments of happiness. But I’m only willing to do that with you.”

His sweet words were killing me. “Ash, I said no. And that’s my final answer.”

The pain was in his eyes. “What if—”

“I said no.” I was on the verge of tears. I turned around and got my key in the door. “I’m sorry it has to be this way. But I’m not ready and I don’t know when I’ll ever be. Don’t waste your time waiting for me.”

He didn’t argue. He didn’t fight.

I walked inside without looking back then shut the door in his face.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Ash

Fuck, that hurt.

It was the first time I put my heart on the line, and it blew up in my face. If she said she didn’t feel the same way, I would have accepted that and walked away. But the fact she did but wouldn’t take the plunge with me hurt more.

I already hated Jace but now I wished he would just die and burn in hell. He completely destroyed Alaska. She was so trusting and forgiving, but that piece of her was gone. One asshole ruined it for everyone else. I was determined to get it back, but how did I do that when she wouldn’t let me?

I kept to myself for the following week. Alaska was probably avoiding me, but I was avoiding her so we never crossed paths. I took out my garbage late at night so I wouldn’t run into her, and I did my laundry at my parents’ house to prevent an accidental encounter.

I was tending to my wounded heart in solitude. I focused on my studies and tried not to think about her. The worst part of this situation was the loss of a friend. Now we weren’t even speaking to each other and I had a feeling we never would. She would avoid me because she didn’t want to hurt me, and I would avoid her so I could act like I wasn’t hurting.

I went to the bar and met the guys and Livia. I just needed to get out. Having her apartment just a few feet away from me wasn’t helping. I had to stop myself from looking at her through my peephole, just to catch a glimpse of her.

“So, did you tell her?” Livia asked.

Scotty’s arm was over the back of her chair, and his hand rested gently on her neck. They were always affectionate with each other. Sometimes it made me want to gag.

“Yeah.”

“What did she say?” Livia leaned forward, the curiosity about to make her explode.

I felt the depression hit all over again. “She said she didn’t want to be in a relationship again, that Jace hurt her so much that she can’t trust me.” I downed the rest of my beer then waved down the waitress for another.

“Damn it.” Livia slammed her fist against the table.

Sage eyed her. “Livia really wants this to happen…”

“We all do,” Scotty said.

“But it’s not going to,” I said sadly.

“No.” Livia hit her fist against the table again. “You love this girl, don’t you?”

“Unfortunately…”

“Then you can’t just give up. Fight for her, Ash.” She had that crazed look in her eye.

“She said no.” I sipped my beer. “I can’t just change her mind.”

“Yes, you can. Prove to her that she can trust you. Make her believe in relationships again.” Her voice was so loud she was practically yelling.

“Baby, calm down.” Scotty rubbed the back of her neck.

“And how do I do that?” I asked.

“Just be her friend. Keep doing what you were doing. She’ll get close to you and feel safe. Then, bam, she’s yours.” Scotty drank his beer.

“I don’t know…”

“It’s what Scotty and I did.” Livia wasn’t going to let this go. “I told him I couldn’t be in a relationship so we were friends instead. When I was so madly in love with him, I couldn’t stay away. And I trusted him.”

“She won’t even talk to me…”
Why did I have to open my big mouth?

“Then make it up to her,” Livia said. “Tell her you want a friendship and you’ll back off. Then make her realize she can’t live without you.”

“You make it sound so easily,” I said miserably.

“She already admitted she has feelings for you,” Livia said. “Now prey on that vulnerability and take advantage of it.”

“You act like I’m trying to hunt her down,” I argued.

“You pretty much are,” she said. “Now do it, Ash. Don’t give up. Who knows if you’ll ever feel this way again.”

I wouldn’t.

“Don’t let up. Fight.” My sister kept staring at me, waiting for me to agree with her. “Think of it this way. If you give up, there’s no hope. But if you never give up, then there’s always hope.”

I needed Alaska more than I let on. She was my whole world. Everything revolved around her. Her safety and happiness was my purpose. I adored her like an artist adored his painting. I loved her like soul mates stretched across time. I needed her like life needed water. When I thought about going back to my previous lifestyle, I wanted to hurl. I couldn’t do that again. “Okay. I’ll fight.”

The Next Installment of the Forehead Kisses Series

UNMISTAKEABLE

Ash and Alaska Continue

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