Undeniable (9 page)

“Are you feeling better?” he asked.

“A lot, actually. Thank you.”

“I’m glad I could help. I can’t say I’ve ever felt the way you do, but I have felt excruciating, heartbreaking pain. We have that in common.”

What pain did he refer to?
“May I ask what?”

He ran his fingers through his hair before he returned his hand to his lap. “It involves someone else’s secret, so unfortunately, I can’t share it with you.”

Someone else’s secret? What are the odds that I know them?
“Is it someone I know?”

He nodded but didn’t speak.

The only mutual friend we had in common was his sister. “Livia?”

“Yeah.” His voice was weak.

I wondered what happened… I wasn’t going to pry into her business, but I was concerned. “I hope everything worked out okay.”

His eyes darkened. “She’s better now. But I’ll never be better.” His eyes moved away from mine and looked out the window.

The despair in his voice broke my heart. I’d never seen him so dark and desolate. “I’m here if you need anything.”

He turned back to me. “Thanks…”

Silence stretched between us. I sipped my mug and felt the marshmallows melt in my mouth. It was much better than the cheap packaged kind. I might have to steal the recipe from him, but not so I could make it for my kids, just so I could make it for myself. “Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything, Alaska.” His voice was quiet.

“Why do you have so many one-night stands?”

He averted his gaze again. I wasn’t sure if it was out of shame or because he just didn’t want to look at me. “I don’t want intimacy and I don’t want to be close to anyone. I just want to release my frustration and drive.”

“Why?”

He still wouldn’t look at me. “When you’re close to someone, they can hurt you.”

That was not a response I expected. I assumed he would say something gross, like he was trying to bed as many girls as possible until he settled down for marriage. “Has someone hurt you before?” I couldn’t picture him in a relationship.

“Not in the way you’re thinking. But someone very close to me was…hurt. And I couldn’t bare it if something happened to my wife or child. It’s just easier this way…”

I didn’t know what to say… Whatever happened to his sister really shook him up. Every time I saw her, she was happy and beaming. She was full of life and joy. It was hard to imagine her ever going through a dark time. But whatever happened was something Ash never forgot about. It was clear he wasn’t the asshole he always projected, and the depth of his pool was so deep I couldn’t see the bottom. “You’re nothing like I first thought.”

He kept staring at the window. It was like he hadn’t heard me.

I grabbed his hand with mine and caressed his knuckles. The skin was burning hot and soft. His fingertips were dry, probably from constantly washing them. I left my mug on the coffee table and scooted closer to him. Then I rested my head on his shoulder.

His head leaned against mine and he played with my fingers. Neither one of us spoke, just staring out the window together. Sitting close to him made me feel unnaturally comfortable. I inhaled his scent and listened to his steady breathing. Before I could control myself, my eyes became heavy and closed. And I fell asleep.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Ash

I downed my second beer while I watched the game on the screen. The Padres were playing the Giants but it was a boring game. It was nine to zero and the Giants were winning. I wasn’t even sure why I was watching it.

Sage rested his arm over the back of the booth while he looked at me. “Everything okay?”

“I’m fine.” I sighed and leaned back.

“You seem…down.”

“I’m fine.” I clenched my jaw in irritation.

“Alright. I’ll back off.” He glanced around the bar, taking in the talent.

I wasn’t sure why I was in such a bad mood. Alaska slept at my place a few nights ago. Her head rested on my shoulder and she breathed quietly beside me. I sat still and listened to her, feeling her chest rise and fall. Her fingers eventually loosened around mine and she hooked her arm around my waist, snuggling with me like a teddy bear.

My heart surged into overdrive for hours. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open for a minute longer. I lay my head on hers and fell asleep.

It was the first time I’d ever slept with a girl.

I wasn’t even sure what happened. I chased after her because I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t prepared for the sight of her tears. Seeing the pain in her eyes broke my heart. It was exactly what I wanted to avoid, to care enough about someone to feel what they feel. But it happened.

My mind became weak and I held her hand, wanting to take care of her. I didn’t want her to be upset. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to smile. But then she broke my heart.

She has a boyfriend.

And he sounded like a fucking asshole.

I practically stalked her through my peephole and not once did I see some guy come over. A delivery man never brought flowers. He never showed up to fix her car or give her a ride when she needed it. He wasn’t at that damn art show. I never met the guy but I already hated him.

I was so confused.

“Blonde at the bar is making eyes at you.” Sage nodded to the left.

I turned and spotted the busty blonde who was eye-fucking the shit out of me. She probably knew about my performance through reputation, and my defined physique was obvious through my clothes. I had brains and money. What more could a girl ask for? I turned back to Sage and drank my beer.

“Are you going to talk to her?”

I shrugged. “Eh.”

“Eh?” He stared at me like I just told him I signed up for clown school.

“She’s alright…”

“Um…that girl isn’t a perfect ten. She’s like a twenty.”

“Why don’t you talk to her then?”

“I don’t like slutty girls. I need someone with more depth.”

I wasn’t listening to him. I felt the girl bore her stare into my skin. I drank my beer then wallowed in my misery.

When I smelled the scent of strawberries, I knew I had company. I turned and saw the blonde standing beside me, her hands on her hips and her chest up.

“Hey.” She gave me a white smile.

“Hi…” I turned away and looked at the TV.

Sage raised an eyebrow.

“You’re Ash, right?”

“What gave me away?” I sounded bored.

“I’ve heard a lot of things about you—great things.” Her smile never dropped.

“Yeah?”
Just go away.

“Why don’t we go somewhere quiet where we can talk?”

Uh…

Sage glared at me and mouthed, ‘what the hell are you doing?’

I just wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t want to go back to my empty apartment and fuck some random girl. The idea left a bad taste in my mouth. “I’ll pass.”

She flinched like I slapped her. “You’ll
pass
?”

“I’m not feeling well tonight.”

“Maybe you need another beer.”

I was losing my patience. “Just leave me alone, alright?” I glared at her then waved her away with my hand. “Go throw yourself at some guy who actually wants you.”

If she had a drink, she’d throw it in my face. “Fuck off, Ash.” She stormed away then headed back to the bar.

Sage reached across the table and pressed his palm to my forehead. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

I pushed his arm away. “Don’t touch me.”

Sage dropped back into his seat, his eyes wide. “I’ve never seen you turn down sex—ever.”

“Well, I did. Get over it.”

“Is there something going on that you aren’t telling me about? Because I feel like I’m talking to a completely different person.”

I threw my cash on the table. “I have to go.”

“Okay…”

I never left without finishing a beer, but I abandoned my glass and headed out. I just wanted to be alone, to not be analyzed and ridiculed. I didn’t even find that girl attractive. She was busty and thin, but she was hollow and stupid. I didn’t even want to look at her.

When I came home, I sat in my car for a while, feeling the sadness creep in.

What was wrong with me?

I ran my fingers through my hair then leaned back in my chair. My head was spinning and I felt like I was falling. My life hadn’t been the same since that art show. Alaska’s scent was permanently lodged into my nose. The scent of lavender was heavy. Even when she wasn’t around, I smelled it.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

“Where do you want to have dinner?” a man said.

I sat up and looked out my window. A man was walking down the stairs, holding hands with a woman in a gray dress. When they came closer, I realized who it was.

“Anything but Chinese.” It was Alaska. She held his hand while she walked beside him.

“You don’t like Chinese?” he asked. He wore a short sleeve shirt, and his entire arm was marked with a tattoo. It had black lines that snaked all the way to his forearm. He had short hair like he shaved it, and his eyes were a menacing green. He was filled out and packed with muscle.

“No, as I’ve said on numerous occasions.” The annoyance was in her voice, but she kept it hidden. But I recognized it.

“How about Mexican?” he asked.

“Sure.”

I felt sick to my stomach watching them walked together. His hand was wound tight around hers.

Suddenly, he stopped before they reached his car. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be at your art show.”

“It’s okay.” Judging the sadness in her tone, it wasn’t okay.

He hooked his arm around her waist and kissed her. It was brief and passionless. His lips pressed against hers softly before he pulled away.

And I wanted to throw up
.

He led her back to the car then got into the driver’s seat. He didn’t even open her door for her.

Fucking asshole.

Then they drove away. When their headlights disappeared, I knew they were gone.

I stayed in the car, unsure what to do with myself. Pain like I’ve never known radiated through my body. My heart squeezed like a fist was clenched around it. My lungs couldn’t expand to their full potential. Nausea pooled into my stomach. I felt like shit, worse than I’d felt in a long time.

What was happening to me?

Wanting to get rid of this feeling, I started the engine the headed back to the bar. I couldn’t feel this way. I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to get hurt. I tried not to think about Alaska, think about her with him. I tried not to remember the way she slept in my arms. I tried to forget the way she held my hand when she cried. I tried not to think about how beautiful she looked at the art sow. I tried to ignore her compassion, her selflessness, her smile, and her beautiful heart.

When I walked inside the bar, Sage raised an eyebrow.

“Seriously, do I need to call someone?” he asked.

I headed to the busty blonde. “You still want to do this?”

She smirked at me. “Looks like someone had a change of heart.”

“Are we doing this or what?”

She grabbed her purse then leaned close to me. “Lead the way.”

I felt like shit for the rest of the week. That one-night stand was the worst I ever had. It was awkward and uncomfortable. Every time I looked down at her, I saw Alaska. My mind played tricks on me, and I pretended I was with her instead of the annoying blonde. After she left, I felt even worse.

I avoided Alaska whenever possible. I stayed in my apartment and studied, not going out or doing anything. I did my laundry at my parents’ house so we wouldn’t cross paths. I just couldn’t look at her knowing she belonged to someone else. It made me sick.

Why is this happening to me?

A knock on the door made me flinch. Who was it?

I sighed then looked through the peephole. It was Alaska.

No.

My car was in the parking lot so she knew I was home. Why did she have to be my neighbor? I opened the door but didn’t speak.

Her eyes took me in. “Is everything okay?”

Did I make it that obvious?
“Yeah…I was just taking a nap.” I couldn’t think of another excuse.

“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s fine. What’s up?” I couldn’t even look at her the same. My eyes drifted to her lips, noticing how pink they were. Her cheekbones were prominent, and her large eyes glowed by their own light.

“I hate to bother you but…my truck won’t start.” The shame drifted over her face.

“Maybe you should upgrade like I recommended.”

“I know.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I can’t get rid of it. It means too much.”

Honestly, the fact that she didn’t mind driving a piece of shit made me more attracted to her. She wasn’t superficial or shallow—like me. “Let’s take a look.” I shut the door behind me and walked with her.

“Thank you. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m sure you’re busy.”

“I’m never too busy for you.”

Her eyes softened when she looked at me.

Why the hell did I just say that?

I popped her hood then examined it. Then I went to the truck and tried to start it. The engine wouldn’t even turn over. “Your battery is dead.”

“It is?”

“You must have left your lights on. The nice thing about having a newer car is they have precautions against that.” It was a subtle jab.

She rolled her eyes. “I had a shoot yesterday and I was in a hurry. I must have forgot.”

I walked to my car then pulled the spark plugs out of the truck. “It’s okay. I’ll jump start your car.” After I plugged everything in and started my engine, I charged her battery for a few moments. Then I killed my engine then stowed everything in the truck.

“Can I turn it off?” she asked.

“No, let it run for a few minutes. It’ll charge your battery.”

“On it’s own?” She seemed surprise.

“Yeah. The engine will take care of it.”

“Cool.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at her old truck.

“Your boyfriend was unavailable?” The resentment was heavy in my voice. I couldn’t deny how much I hated him. I despised him. My words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.

She didn’t pick up on it. “He’s at work.”

“Shocking…” I needed to hold my tongue.

She turned to me. “Thanks for your help.”

“Anytime.”

She turned off her engine then grabbed the keys. “I’ll make sure I turn off the lights this time.”

“Good thinking.”

We walked back up the stairs and to our apartments.

“Are you doing anything right now?” she asked.

I stilled. “No.”

“I made lunch. Are you hungry?”

Yes. But I should say no.
It was hard for me to be around her. Really hard. “Sure.”
No! Why did I just say that?

“Great.” She walked inside and I followed her.

Her apartment was half a living room, and half a studio. Pictures littered the tables in messy piles. Her camera and different lens’s were across the table. Photos hung from strings from the ceiling. I stared at them for a moment, examining each one.

“Excuse the mess,” she said. “But I thrive in clutter.”

“I’m not judging you.”

“Your apartment is so clean and organized. I feel like a slob compared to you.”

I shrugged. “In my neuroscience course I learned that people who are messy are more creative.”

“I never knew that.”

“It explains why my sister is a pig.” I laughed lightly.

“I feel a little better then.” She walked into the kitchen and opened the oven.

When she was distracted, I examined her pictures. Most of them were of her sister. They had the same eyes and the same face structure. But there was no doubt Alaska was the more beautiful one.

There was one of Alaska. It was a candid shot, one that was taken without her knowledge. She was sitting on the beach with her knees pulled to her chest. Her hair blew in the breeze, and a small line of sunblock was on her nose. I couldn’t stop staring at it. I’d never seen anything more beautiful in my life.