Underestimated Too (46 page)

“You wouldn’t raise him, Celeste and Alicia would.”
Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. I was being a bitch, and it wasn’t my
mother’s fault. She rightly was trying to help me. My mother patted me on the
knee with a warm smile.

“I will talk to you after bit, okay?”

“Mom, I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. I’m just
confused.”

“I know, sweetie. Why don’t you lie down and rest awhile.
I’ll take Nicky for a bit.”

“Okay, but I’m still going to Maine tomorrow.”

My mom shrugged her shoulders. “You’re a grown
woman,” she replied, leaving me alone, alone with a deep breath and my own
self-pity. How did things get this complicated?

“Come here, you little monkey,” I coaxed, grabbing
Nicholas around the waist after getting one shoe on him. “We’re going on the
airplane,” I explained, like he had any idea what I was saying.

“Da, da,” Nicholas babbled. I didn’t even hear him
open the door. It was Drew, and Nicky was going after him. He ran as fast as
his little legs would let him, falling down twice to get to Drew. I wanted to
run to him too. I didn’t. I stayed seated on the floor, watching. Drew picked
him up and hugged him so tight. Closing his eyes while he embraced the feel of
his son.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, standing.

“I’m not letting you go to Maine.”

“Why?” I didn’t get it. What the hell?

“You didn’t leave anything behind there. You don’t
need to go to Maine.”

“You’re divorcing me. You can’t tell me what to do.”

“You’re not going to Maine.”

“You’re impossible. You don’t talk to me for two
months, and then out of the blue you call me because my credit card was charged
for an airline ticket to Maine? What the hell, Drew?”

“It wasn’t two months. It was fifty one days. Why do
you want to go there? There’s nothing there you need to go there for.”

“I want to visit Starlight.”

“And Dawson,” Drew decided.

“I’m sure Dawson is happily married, loving his
little family, unlike me.”

“Dawson is not married.”

That got my attention. “What do you mean? Lauren
told me they were getting married. They had a baby girl, Starlight told me.”

“Starlight doesn’t tell you everything. Lauren left
Dawson. She moved away with some guy named Joel.”

“Joel was her boyfriend before Dawson. She took the
baby from him?” That made me not like my ex-best friend even more. Dawson
didn’t deserve that. Dawson was a good man.

“No, she left the baby. Dawson has full custody of
her.”

Now I hated her. “How do you know this?”

“I was there when we sold the house. I saw him at
the coffee shop with Starlight.”

“Okay, Drew. I see what this is all about. You don’t
want me going there because you know Dawson is single, and you’re afraid that
we’re going to pick up where we left off. Is that it? Is that why you don’t
want me to go to Maine?”

“Yes,” he quietly admitted.

“Drew, you big dumb idiot. I don’t want Dawson. I
want you. I want our family back. I can’t take this. You can’t just send me to
the beach house and forget us. Marriage doesn’t work that way.” I wanted to
walk towards him when Nicky squirmed from his arms. Afraid of rejection, I
didn’t.

“Morgan, we have never had a normal marriage and you
know it.”

“I don’t care about that. It’s enough. I want us,
Drew.”

“I need some time.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I need some time away from you.”

“Because you don’t want me?”

“God no, Morgan. Because I hurt you. I don’t want to
hurt you. I don’t want my son thinking that it’s okay to hurt you. I have to
get some things worked out with myself before I can take care of you.”

“And that means you’re not giving up on us? You just
need some time?” I asked, hoping he would say yes.

“I don’t know. I’m afraid of the next time.”

“That was my fault, Drew. I should have used our
word. I shouldn’t have provoked you.”

“No words can stop me in that state, Morgan. I know
what I am capable of.”

“Okay, so where does that leave us? Am I supposed to
just sit around here and wait? Wait for what, Drew? I don’t even know what
you’re saying.”

Drew dropped to his knees and pushed the bulky red
car to Nicholas. He laughed, causing us both to smile at him.

“Drew, please don’t leave me.”

“Damn it, Morgan. Come here.”

That was all I needed. I was in Drew’s arms in half
a second, sobbing at his smell, the feel of his strong arms, and the emotions that
only he and I could feel.

“You can’t do this to us, Drew. We’ve come too far,”
I begged.

“I need some time, Morgan. This can never happen
again.”

“I’ll give you time. Just don’t give up on us. We’ll
stay here, and you can come whenever you want.”

“Morgan—”

“Please, Drew.” I begged again, sounding like a
desperate psychopath. I was desperate. I couldn’t do this without Drew. I
didn’t want to.

“Let’s just wait and see if I am fixable,” Drew
replied, pulling me tighter. He missed me. I knew he did. I could tell. I
didn’t argue with him. I was just happy that he was with us.

Drew grilled burgers on the deck for us and we ate
overlooking the breathtaking ocean. He never took his eyes off me or his hands
off Nicholas. I couldn’t understand it. He loved us. I could see it in his
eyes. Why did he think things were better with us being apart? They weren’t.

I was never so happy in my life for Nicholas’s bath
time. I was happy that Drew was there and wanted to eat him up, but I wanted
him all to myself. Two months was a long time to wait for Drew and me.

“Morgan?” Drew asked, opening the door to his new
office.

“Oh, I was kind of mad at you.”

“Obviously,” he laughed. “Where’s my desk?”

“We roasted hot dogs,” I teased. “You can put
another one back in there.”

“We’ll see.”

I didn’t like that answer. He wasn’t doing much to
reassure me.

I showered while Drew got Nicholas in his jammies
and read to him. I felt like we were about to have sex for the first time.
Shaving my legs, I wondered if we were having sex at all. My throbbing between
my legs was sure we were.

Walking out in nothing but a towel, Drew and I both
stopped. I was exiting the bathroom just as he entered our room.

“Morgan, Deidra doesn’t think we should do
anything.”

“Anything like what?” I asked, seductively, dropping
the towel. Screw Deidra. I was getting laid. I didn’t give him time to protest.
I walked into his arms and kissed him. Drew and I stood there, emotionally
entwining our tongues, losing ourselves in one another. I was the sick one. I
was the one that needed the help. My mind and body was fighting the urges,
wanting Drew to do the things Drew did. Something told me Drew wasn’t going to
do that.

“Make love to me,” I whispered to his lips.

“I knew you would do this,” he accused, toeing off
both shoes and dropping me to our bed.

Drew did none of the things I wanted. It was
amazing, but not my Drew. Our naked bodies tangled together, and I drifted to
the place only Drew could take me. Feeling his fingers slide up my wet slit first,
my back arched. God, he felt amazing. Drew kissed me, forcing his tongue
between my lips. I felt him move into me, slowly, inch by inch.

I’ve probably felt and said it before, but it was
the most emotional lovemaking we’d ever shared. There was nothing kinky about
it. It was pure love. I felt it, and I know Drew did as well.

“Shit, Morgan. You have to hurry,” Drew coaxed,
losing his willpower.

“I don’t want this to ever be over,” I softly spoke.
I didn’t want it to be over. I didn’t care if I didn’t get off. I wanted to
keep Drew right here with me, feeling like this forever.

“Please come,” he begged, placing his fingers
between us and between my legs to help. That did it. His fingers massaging my
nub while he pumped in and out of me was all it took. Digging my nails into his
back, I let go. Drew thrust deep inside me and released with me, breathing
heavy breaths into my hair.

I don’t know what came over me, but a feeling crept
up that left me an emotional mess. I felt the tear slide down my eye. Drew
raised up, looked at me with a sad smile, and kissed it away.

“I’m sorry, Morgan.”

“Don’t be sorry, Drew. Just stop with all this. I
can’t stand not being with you. Nicholas shouldn’t be without you either.”

“Morgan, you have to let me work through this. I
love you too much to hurt you anymore. I’m not doing it, and I can’t guarantee
that I won’t yet.”

I sighed a long heavy breath and slid from beneath
him. It was pointless. Drew was on some sort of mission that didn’t include me.
How long it was going to take was beyond me. There was nothing I could say that
was going to change his mind. He felt in his heart that this was right, and I
couldn’t change it, Nicky couldn’t change it, and I could only wait and hope.

Drew spent the next two days at the beach with us.
We didn’t talk about anything serious, not because I didn’t want to, because he
wouldn’t do it. I caught him on the phone twice with Deidra. He was really into
Deidra all of a sudden. I was glad that he was getting help. He needed to talk
to someone besides me. He didn’t want me hearing the gruesome details of his
childhood, and truth be known, I didn’t want to hear them. I’m not sure I could
handle it without digging Michael Callaway up and killing him all over again.

We spent two days in each other’s arms, pretending.
That’s what we were doing, pretending that we were this happy family but with blinders
on. Forget about the baggage, that’s what we did. We played with our son,
walked on the beach in search of sea glass, and made love, over and over again.

“Drew, please. Take us home with you,” I begged.

“Morgan, not yet. We’ve talked about this. I’m not
ready to do that yet.”

“We didn’t talk about anything,” I said, getting
angry. “We’ve been fine for the last three days. I don’t want to be here
without you.” I started crying.

“Please don’t cry. I hate seeing you cry. I’m
working on it. I want you home with me, but I am not doing that until I know
I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You won’t.”

“I love you.”

That was it. Drew kissed Nicholas and spun on his
heels out the door.

It wasn’t as bad as it was before. Drew did talk to
me every morning, and we Skyped every night with Nicholas. Drew read his
bedtime stories through the computer while I rocked him on my lap. I still
didn’t like it. It wasn’t the same as being with him. Every time I brought it
up, he derailed it. I had no idea when or if we’d ever be a family again.

Drew had a lot of emotional baggage to deal with and
the only thing I could do was step back and let him work it out on his own,
without me. He didn’t want me helping him. Although it was probably the hardest
thing I’ve ever done. I did it for him. I stepped back and settled for the good
morning phone calls and the video chat every night. What else was I supposed to
do? I understood or tried to anyway. I knew he had to do this his way, but it
didn’t do much to convince me that he would ever be ready for us again. He was
too freaked out, too afraid of hurting me. I could understand it as much as I
couldn’t.

I was getting used to our little arrangement. I
still didn’t like it, but I was falling into the routine of things. I spent the
days on the beach with my mother, Caroline, and Nicky, longing for the hour
that I could see Drew on my laptop.

“Guess who’s coming to see you tomorrow?” Drew asked
while I dressed Nicky in new jammies from my spending spree a few weeks back.

“You’re coming here?!?” I exclaimed, turning to my
computer.

“No, not yet. Alicia is coming with the kids.”

“Oh,” I said, sounding disappointed.

“I thought you’d be happy to see her.”

“I am, but I’d be happier to see you. I haven’t had
sex in almost two months again. I hate it. I’m about to go to a bar or
something.”

Drew laughed. “How about you just take care of that
yourself until I see you?”

“I’m tired of taking care of it myself. I need you
inside me.”

“Damn it. Don’t talk like that. You take care of it
yourself—a lot?” Drew asked. Okay, bait taken.

“Yes, I do,” I admitted. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a
lot, but he didn’t need to know that.

“Show me.”

“Show you what? Nicky is right here.”

“Start rocking him, and I’ll start reading.”