Underneath It All (26 page)

“I enjoy every moment I spend with you no matter if it’s in the hospital, in your house by your closet, in the tub, in my car…” he said playfully.

“Stop; it’s early in the morning. You’ll be late for your appointment.”

My fingers tightened with his and he brought them up to his lips to kiss my knuckles.

***

It was the first time that I attended a photography event of this magnitude and it was quite an overwhelming experience.

I arrived at Boston Convention and immediately spotted Caleb at the entrance.

“Agata! I am so glad you made it.” Caleb said as he casually shook my hand.

“Were you waiting for me here?”

“No…no…I was looking for familiar faces. You know, photographer friends.” He scratched the back of his head nervously. “Let’s go?”

He handed me the Expo Gold Pass upgrade which entered me to win a variety of different prizes.

As I entered the expo area, I was greeted by the largest booths from Sony, Panasonic, and Canon. Olympus also had a relatively large booth; the same with Nikon. They were the massive presences at the show, hosting all kinds of events and speakers, along with separate smaller areas for showcasing their products—everything from point and shoot cameras to DSLRs, lenses and accessories.

“Oh my God!” I squealed. I literally went fangirling when I saw legendary National Geographic photographer Joseph McLean.

“Do you want to have a photo with him?” asked Caleb.

“Are you crazy? Of course! I have dreamed of this great opportunity and now it has come to me!”

We walked over to him and he greeted us with a smile. “Caleb! What a pleasant surprise to see you here, young man!”

It turned out they knew each other and so a picture with him would be a dream come true.

“Can we take a picture with you? I’m Agata Ferrero; I’m a fan.” I couldn’t help but speak my mind.

“Sure, my pleasure,” he delightfully replied as he stood beside me and we posed together while Caleb took the shots.

“Okay, can we get a group photo?” Caleb asked.

“Yeah!” we agreed and he crouched in front of us posing as we took the photo.

“Thank you, sir. You really made me so happy tonight,” I said gratefully, shaking the legend’s hand.

“Anytime,” he said with a genuine smile. “Enjoy the night.”

It was actually an incredibly pleasant way to start the night.

“Hey Agata, I want you to meet my brother, Brad, and his fiancée Ayako.”

Brad looked scrumptialiscious, and Ayako was oozing with sex appeal. They looked like a stunning power couple.

We shook hands, headed into the expo, and listened to several speakers who gave an easy to understand pep talk about pioneering in the photography industry, answering all questions.

Apparently, Caleb was one of the guest speakers. He’d be speaking at the Sony stage about the Art of Travel.

He talked about some of his personal photography collection and spoke about his pathway to becoming a photo consultant, based on his love and passion for photography.

“The famous Elliot Erwitt said that the whole point of taking pictures is so you don’t have to explain things with words. I strongly believe that.”

The crowd began applauding when Caleb finished speaking. He went down the platform and I met him with a raised eyebrow, pretending I was a bit annoyed he didn’t tell me he’s one big shot photographer after all, and he just smiled.

“I’m just Caleb Wagner, Agata. I’m not that famous like you thought.”

I smiled at him in return. “The pictures are amazing and you are a very good speaker. I think a photography class should be a requirement in all educational programs because it makes you see the world rather than just look at it, the way you presented it.”

“Did I?” he asked, quite skeptic. “I’m not a particularly talkative person, Agata. I think that’s why I like taking pictures…they speak for themselves.” He took a few steps backward and started taking pictures of me.

I began posing, and even some other photographers took their own shots. Now, that was awkward.

I really had a blast that night. I met legendary photographers, attended cutting-edge seminars and symposiums, and enjoyed evening projections by world famous image-makers.

It was getting late. I promised Reeve that I’d be home before 10:00 P.M.

“Caleb, thanks for the night. I had a great time but I really have to go,” I told him.

“Thanks for coming, Agata. I really appreciate it,” he said with the sweetest smile as he placed a hand at the small of my back. “Here’s my calling card. Once you graduate and you find it in your heart to pursue photography, you are very much welcome to work with us in L.A. You already have a spot in our company. Think about it. Think about what you want. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy.” He leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.

I was a bit surprised, but I just smiled casually at him and he went back inside the convention.

I held my cheek and as I stood there, I realized I almost had a college degree that I wasn’t going to use and knowledge I could have acquired in a more hands-on way if I’d actually left town to pursue anything. I hadn’t been living. I’d just been existing, frozen in time and trying to live a life I wasn’t really ever meant to live. What a predicament.

Chapter XXIX

False Alarm

My fingertips were dancing across the bare skin of my belly carefully, and I couldn’t seem to stop crying.

“Stop crying,” Reeve mumbled, but there was nothing but love behind his words.

I couldn’t believe how easy my tears had come in the past hour, but I’d made up for it with the smiles and laughter that came just as easy. Is this what they called pregnancy hormones?

Reeve smiled indulgently and I was assaulted by the random thoughts that seemed to be popping into my mind. Subconsciously, my hand had joined his and our fingers had linked.

“You better get used to that thought. Soon we’ll be picking out colors for the nursery, and buying clothes and car seats and toys…” Reeve rambled happily. “You’re going to get even more beautiful,” Reeve whispered over my shoulder.

We were quiet for a while, alternating between kissing and caressing each other. The way Reeve looked at me now was almost overwhelming. There was so much love in his eyes.

As much as I wanted to be pregnant and become a mom, Reeve wanted to be a dad equally as badly.

Random thoughts played on a non-stop loop in my mind on our way to the doctor’s office that weekend, until we finally arrived for our appointment.

I caught myself tapping away at the arm of the uncomfortable waiting room chair and realized that Reeve was doing it too.

My heart was racing. Images of moments in the future flew before my eyes, holding his baby…hearing its first words…playing games.

We sat for a little over ten minutes before my name was called. I was a nervous wreck, my hands were sweaty, shaky, and I felt terrified. I held Reeve’s hand tightly on the way down the short hallway leading to the doctor’s room. Just when I was about to enter the room, Eve walked out of the door, and kissed the middle-aged woman’s cheek, whom I presumed was my Ob-Gyn.

“Reeve,” the woman in a white lab gown greeted him with a wide smile on her face when she turned our direction. “I’ll call you later, my patient is here,” she told Eve. Reeve walked up to her and shook her hand.

“Hi, Reeve,” Eve greeted him with a quick kiss on the cheek. She looked at me and said, “Agata, you look so pale and you look about ten seconds away from passing out. Are you okay?”

“I was; now I feel like I’m going to be sick,” I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

She smiled at me in a bitchy kind of way, leaned in to kiss my cheek, and whispered in my ear before she left. “Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it.”

“Come in, you two. Take a seat,” the doctor called and we both entered the room. “You must be Agata?” I nodded. “I’m Dr. Olivia Cromwell, but you can call me Via. Have you any idea how far along you are?”

“I…I don’t know,” I shrugged. “We’re not even sure.”

Dr. Cromwell reached over for a clipboard and pen. “What makes you think you might be pregnant?”

“Via, she’s been nauseated the past few days. She has food cravings and and altered sense of smell. What could that mean?” Reeve answered instead, smiling ear to ear.

“Have you taken a home pregnancy test?”

“No, not yet,” I said, shaking my head. “But my period never comes late. Ever.”

“Let’s administer the test then.” She rose from her chair, rummaged around her desk, and produced a cup. “I need a urine sample.”

I vanished into the bathroom and returned a few minutes later with the sample.

“Give me a couple of minutes,” she said and she strode to the laboratory.

“What’s going through your head?” Reeve asked, after being silent for a while when Dr. Cromwell left. He held my hand and squeezed it.

“I-I’m nervous and excited at the same time,” I admitted.

“You’ll be okay,” he reassured me.

Dr. Cromwell returned after a couple of minutes. She gave me a sympathetic glance before Reeve turned to glare at her, making impatient gestures.

“It’s a no,” she announced. “You’re not pregnant.”

“What?” Reeve sat up.

The momentary relief was crushed in a heartbeat.

Silence reigned.

“Well if I’m not pregnant, then what the hell is wrong with me?” My voice broke and my eyes widened.

“That’s what we need to find out,” Dr. Cromwell said.

“Via, are you sure?” Reeve frowned.

“Yes,” she squinted at him. “We need to run more tests, Agata, to know exactly what’s happening to you.”

My heart was breaking. I wanted that baby to be real. The confirmation scared me and freed me at the same time.

“Excuse me.” In a flash, Reeve walked out of the room.

“I’m sorry.” Dr. Cromwell reached for my hand and drew in her breath. “There are several medical explanations for displaying symptoms of pregnancy without being pregnant. It’s probably a flu or something, or it might be a simple hormonal imbalance, easily correctable with medication. Or it might be something more serious.”

“Serious, like what?”

“Like an ovarian cyst, myoma, or cancer.”

I shook my head and bit my lip.

“You don’t have to be afraid,” she smiled lightly.

I left the doctor’s office and found Reeve leaning on his car smoking. When he caught me staring, he stood as he threw his cigarette to the ground. “Let’s go.” Opening the car door, he gestured me in with a nod of his head.

He was quiet and serious. His gaze fixed on the road as I sat beside him.

I started apologizing a million times in my head. Nothing I said would be enough. The baby wasn’t real. No holding his baby…hearing its first words…no playing games. I couldn’t bring the words to life; I was afraid it would come out as a massive sob. Every attempt was followed by defeat.

And silence. The silence was so painfully punishing.

“I understand you’re upset, but I’m upset too. Please don’t hate me.”

Laughing as he lightly tapped the steering wheel, he wiped at his eyes with his sleeves. Glancing sideways at me, he shook his head, broken and bitter as he uttered, “Even if I tried.”

We reached his house and walked in silence inside. When we got to the point where we needed to split, we stopped. The air was thick with unfinished business.

“Listen…about the result,” I started. The way Reeve looked at me, I knew I didn’t have to finish to break his heart again.

***

For the next couple of weeks student protests against the closing of Gates took place every day.

I hadn’t gone back to Dr. Cromwell’s office yet. One of these days, I was going to get checked and they’re going to find something. I am afraid to find out I have some disease or cancer.

Reeve had all but disappeared, like my friends.

He was suddenly keeping his distance. If I came, he was ready to go. If I left, he stayed. If I’d sit, he’d stand. And he was so angry, constantly.

It tore me up every day.

My head continued to feel dizzy whenever I sat up. I still felt sick and deprived of oxygen most of the times.

I decided to spend the weekend with my parents while Reeve was in L.A. arranging the release papers of his mother.

“Dad, can I ask you something?” I asked one night when we were in front of our porch just marveling the beauty of the night sky.

“You can ask me anything, honey.”

“Which would you choose—walk away from someone you love who keeps hurting you? Or stay and endure the hurt for the moments of happiness?”

“Agata, love is what keeps making you happy with moments of hurt, not the other way around, which unfortunately people don’t understand.”

I grimaced. “Now, that’s deep.”

Dad chuckled. He draped his arm around my shoulder.

“Agata, there are a lot of different kinds of hurt. Some are easier to endure than others. At the end of the day, you have to weigh this person’s overall contribution to your life. Your mom mostly makes me feel happy; that’s why I stayed, even if she does things that hurt me sometimes.”

We merely stayed silent for a few seconds, just staring at the moon above.

“Why all of a sudden you are asking me all this?”

“Sometimes I just want to flee so that people around me will appreciate my presence.”

“Honey, if they don’t appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.”

I smiled and hugged my old man, the only guy who would never hurt me. “Dad, I want to pursue photography,” I blurted out.

“Follow your heart, Agata. Go where it leads you. We are here to support you all the way.”

***

One of the biggest rallies broke out by the time April rolled around.

Violence reigned when hundreds of protesters clashed with the police. Dozens of people were injured and one of my professors had reportedly been killed.

I rushed to Reeve’s office. I stormed inside his office not even knocking. He had to stop this mess.

“People are getting killed and you’re remaining calm in the face of
this?
”

Reeve shot me a piercing glare.

“Go home, Agata; it’s dangerous to stay within the school premises.”

I let out a hopeless sigh and tried to remain calm.

“I can’t just sit here and watch as people are killed before me when I can do something.” I clenched my teeth. Tears ran down my cheeks and I swiped them away in anger.

Reeve stood up from his swivel chair and walked me up against the wall.

“Do not tell me what to do.” His sudden rise in volume made me jump, triggering the tears spilling down my cheeks as I sobbed.

“You’ve become a monster like the father you hated.” Tears streamed down my face despite my efforts to keep it together.

Instantly Reeve’s hand balled into a fist. I closed my eyes and prepared to brace myself, but the impact never came. He hit the wall instead. I was shaking from fear.

He was heaving in anger, with clenched teeth and eyes scrunched closed. He pressed his forehead against mine but I pushed him away.

“I’m tired, Reeve,” I whispered.

“Then go back to your dorm and rest.”

“No,” I gently shook my head. “I’m tired of this. I’m tired of us.”

I turned around and reached for the doorknob.

There had been some moments where I could see glimpses of the real Reeve, the one who held me while I cried over my mom’s illness, the one who touched me tenderly as he whispered how much he loved me. That Reeve was in there somewhere; I just needed to find him.

“When you walk out of that door, don’t expect me to come for you, Agata. You know your way out; you should know your way back.”

“That is if I could still find my way back.”

I turned the knob and walked out of his door. I heard a loud crack and thought it was my heart breaking. I fought my tears from pouring out. I shut the door behind me and didn’t look back.