Unfiltered & Unlawful (The Unfiltered Series) (10 page)

Unfortunately, that lust was a lot harder to forget a few minutes later when I was straddling him on the back of his Harley again. I couldn’t not hold on to him. I mean, technically, I could. Riding on the back of a bike isn’t really like in the movies where you have to cling to the man in front of you like a desperate monkey. When I rode with the guy I’d dated a few years ago, I learned that I could lean back without feeling unsafe. The truth was, though, that I wanted to feel close to someone right now. Being pressed up against Adam made things seem less overwhelming.

…except for the lust. I was simply going to have to ignore that like I had been doing. I had months of practice, well over a year if I was completely honest with myself.

I was both relieved and disappointed a little while later when we stopped by a garage where Adam’s dark green Ford Explorer and tow-behind bike trailer were stored.

Although I was surprised to see Adam with anything other than his Harley, I guess it made sense for someone who didn’t live in one area forever. He’d taken several trips to work to other shops in other states during the time I’d known him. Having a larger vehicle was only logical.

“Can you drive the Explorer and trailer to the shop or should I load the bike here?”

I gave him a look that was probably ruder than it should’ve been. It was a valid question. I’d been sobbing. Tommy was dead. It wasn’t like I was in prime condition to drive. I needed to get it together though. Things weren’t going to get easier right now, and I couldn’t expect someone else to do everything for me. I never had before, and I wasn’t going to start today.

“I’ll drive,” I said.

Adam looked skeptical, but it was either leave the bike behind or go with this plan. “You’re sure?”

“I’ll go slow,” I added. “Honest, Adam. I can handle this.”

When we got to Sinners Ink, I waited outside while Adam went in for his work gear and, presumably, quit. He didn’t say anything when he opened the back door of the Explorer to put a box of his things inside.

I followed him to his apartment building, parked, and went inside. He offered me a drink, and asked if I could pack a cooler with anything worth saving from the fridge. I did that and packed a few things from the cupboards, and tossed the rest of the contents of the fridge. I’d done the same thing at my place earlier in the week. Then, I sat quietly on his sofa while he packed. By the time we had gathered up, I felt like the whole world was in a big cloud of gauze. Everything felt hazy around me.

I told Adam as much when we were loading his things in the back of his Explorer with the small bag of stuff I’d packed at Tommy’s place.

“Shock.” Adam said as he slammed the back of his Explorer closed.

I startled at the sound of it closing, and then I followed him to the side of the Explorer. Belatedly I realized that he was going to the passenger door, but I understood why a moment later. He opened the door for me, which wasn’t totally weird but
felt
like it was just then. Everything felt wrong.

“There was a guy hassling me at The Cave, and someone shot him,” I said. I didn’t get in the Explorer yet. I wasn’t sure why I was telling Adam when I hadn’t told Tommy. Maybe I was telling him
because
I hadn’t told Tommy. I know the twelve of us agreed to keep it a secret, but I wasn’t naming names. Tommy was dead. I was headed out of town. Adam deserved to know.

Instead of any sort of judgmental reaction, Adam just nodded. “That’s where you found the drugs.”

“And money. A lot of it,” I added. “I gave the coke to Tommy, and he was going to sell it and add that to the money I have and we were going to start over.”

“Okay,” he said. “Now, get in. I need to load and tie down the bike.”

I stared at Adam. I’d just told him about a murder, illegal money, and drugs—and he told me he needed to hitch his bike trailer. Even though I’d mentioned the coke and cash before, the whole murder thing was new. Maybe he didn’t hear me right. I said, a little louder this time, “A man is dead. He was trying to hurt me, but… still, he’d dead. He was killed.”

Adam looked me straight in the eyes and asked, “Did you kill him?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Adam put his hand on my low back and gently pushed me toward the Explorer. “Get in the truck, Sasha.”

I slid inside, and he closed the door.

A few minutes later, the bike was lashed down. If not for our bags, we could take off on the Harley that was now parked and tied down on the trailer. I’d never ridden with Adam before today, but I’d already known that I liked it. The summer after I graduated high school, I’d dated a guy a couple years older than me who had an old Triumph he’d restored. There was something altogether perfect about the freedom of a motorcycle and open road. It was even better with a Harley and Adam. Briefly, I considered suggesting we ditch the SUV and set out on the bike, but I couldn’t ride solo and wherever we went, it would be useful to have a vehicle I could drive too. I was already counting on Adam far too much.

When he got into the driver’s side and started the Explorer, he didn’t say a thing.

“I’d understand if you wanted to bail,” I said. “I can take my car, and you can stay here.”

He was silent for about two blocks and then he said, “Either someone knows about the cash and coke and tied it to Tommy, or this was because of something else he got himself into.”

“It was my fault,” I started.

Adam held up his hand in a halting gesture. “The only way to know for sure why someone shot Tommy is to find the killer and ask. We’re not doing that, so we don’t know for sure why Tommy’s dead now. It
is
a safe bet that it’s because of the drugs, cash, or murder at the shop—but there are enough other things he’s done that it might not be. Either way, it’s best that we get out of town quickly.”

“I’m dangerous to be around right now. If they find me, they’ll probably kill you too.”

“They won’t find either of us. Your car is still here, and you don’t need to get a job that requires any paperwork. No one’s going to think I have anything to do with it since everyone knows I’m not stupid enough to get caught up in drugs these days. I can keep you safe and hide you. I’ve lived without a trail before, Sash. If you went without me, they might find you, but it’s not as likely if I’m with you. I know how to hide. Trust me.”

I shuddered at the thought of a killer trying to track me down. Later, I wanted to ask about the rest of what he’d just said, but for now, I didn’t think I could handle knowing anything else. I kept my mouth firmly shut and shoved my questions far away for now.

Adam glanced over at me. “Call whoever you need to, and then we pull the card out of that phone. No contact with anyone who knows about the money.”

I wasn’t sure if the killer could find me through my friends or my phone, but I wasn’t chancing it. I had told Cass she could keep in touch, but that wasn’t going to work after all. Not now that Tommy was dead. I called Cass quickly, and after a brief hello, I told her, “Tommy’s dead. I gave him the coke we found, and that was the last I saw him.”

“Shit, Sugar! Are you okay? Where are you? Where are you going?”

I closed my eyes. She was my friend, as much as anyone in Rio Verde was, but I had an awful moment where I didn’t trust her. I wasn’t sure who I could trust. I didn’t have any really close friends, just people I knew through work or through Tommy. I didn’t have a family. I could vanish and no one would even notice or care. Tommy would’ve, but he was dead.

I decided not to tell Cass anything. “In the car,” I said. “I’m not sure where I’m going.”

That wasn’t a
complete
lie, but it wasn’t all the way true either. I didn’t mention that I was with Adam or tell her that I was still in Rio Verde. In my gut, I thought I could trust her, but tens of thousands of dollars was a great motive for all sorts of bad decisions. I had to wonder if someone else at The Coffee Cave that night wanted the coke, but hadn’t said. I knew Cass wouldn’t, and I was pretty sure that Dillon wouldn’t either, but there were enough people there that I didn’t really know… and any of them could’ve talked to someone else.

After another couple minutes, I said, “Be safe, Cass. Tell Dillon to be careful too if you talk to him.”

“I will.”

And that was it. I disconnected, and then I pried my phone open, pulled the SIM card out of my phone, and shoved it in my bag.  

I wasn’t sure where we were headed, and I’m fairly certain Adam wasn’t either. I wasn’t ever intending on staying in Rio Verde, but my heart still clenched at leaving it. I liked to
choose
when I was going to leave town, not go running out with my tail tucked between my legs and two dead bodies behind me.

Although I hadn’t actually
killed
the guy in the coffee shop or Tommy, I still felt guilty over their deaths. The creep was dead because he threatened me. Tommy was dead because he tried to protect me. I glanced over at Adam. I didn’t want anything to happen to him too.

“You’re staring, Sasha. Are you going to say something?”

“I’m sorry.”

He nodded, and I was relieved that he didn’t try to tell me that it wasn’t my fault or that it was okay or any of those empty things people say. Adam might have shocked me lately, but he was still the guy I considered a friend. I felt foolish that I’d thought he wanted me for more, but I was a little relieved right now. I wasn’t sure I could handle being tempted by him after Tommy’s death. My coping mechanisms weren’t healthy ones. That had been one of the glues that held me to Tommy: he would let me lose myself when I was hurt, and even when he was the one upsetting me, he was where I’d found the things I’d needed to drown my pain. Whether it was the drugs or sex, he was my go-to for a fix. I didn’t know how to fix the ache inside me without him to help me.

“There’s a shop out towards Joshua Tree where I can work for at least a week or two,” Adam said. “It’s not going to be too busy since we’re moving into summer, but it won’t be deserted yet.”

I nodded.

“We can head out towards the coast after that or go north,” Adam continued.

“Tommy and I didn’t have a plan yet,” I told him. “We were just going to go. I wanted to buy a little house. Have a normal life.”

Adam sighed. “Sasha, don’t take this wrong, but—”

“When people say that, it means they’re going to make an asshole comment,” I interrupted.

“Right… so my ‘asshole comment’ is that you and Tommy wouldn’t have made things work. I’ve known—
knew
him for my whole life. Do you really think this is the first time he said he’d change?”

“He loved me.”

“He did.” Adam glanced over at me.

I could see him out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to look his way.

Adam continued, “I honestly think he loved you more than he’s loved anyone in his life, but love doesn’t change who you
are
. Tommy was a disaster headed towards destruction for
years
now. That wasn’t going to change because he fell for an amazing girl.”

“We might’ve made it work,” I argued. “I have plenty of money. We could’ve been normal, a little house, and maybe a baby some day.”

“And you don’t think he’d have wanted to use that money on some scheme? Invest it in some scheme ‘just one more time’? He was my fucking family, Sasha. I’ve been the one who gave him the money to change his life, and you know what he did with it? He bought drugs. He ‘invested’ in stolen shit to resell it. He liked the rush of the scams and the deals.” Adam sounded tired, like he was worn out by the things he was telling me. “He wasn’t ever addicted to the drugs; they were a means to an end. He couldn’t give up the schemes though.”

“We’ll never know if he could have,” I said. I reached over and turned up whatever radio station Adam had on, and then I turned my attention to the desolate world outside the window. I didn’t want to hear any of the things he was saying. They were versions of things Cass had said, ones Adam had said more kindly in the past… hell, strangers at parties had said some of them. I knew Tommy wasn’t a prince, but he loved me. No one else had done that in my life. Sometimes, I thought my parents loved me, but I wasn’t ever quite sure. I knew for certain that no man other than Tommy had. Being loved made me forgive a
lot
.

Adam wasn’t even saying anything I hadn’t thought myself, but admitting that felt like betraying Tommy. I wasn’t going to suddenly forget all the bad stuff between us, and I wasn’t going to start trying to become a born-again-virgin, but I needed to believe that we were more than early morning sex visits and mutual addiction.

Everything in my life had fallen to pieces when the drug dealer walked into The Coffee Cave. There was nothing solid in my life. I had no job, no apartment, no boyfriend. No one loved me. No one would care if I’d vanished—except maybe people who wanted to hurt me. Tommy’s love and the possibility that I could’ve saved him was all I had left. I wasn’t surrendering it right now.

‡

When Adam pulled into the tiny town of Joshua Tree, I was surprised. It wasn’t that I expected a city the size of Rio Verde, but I expected something… I don’t know,
bigger.
Maybe there would be more to see later, but so far it looked miniscule.

“I know a guy who can hook us up on a place,” Adam said as he parked in front of a row of shops. “Wait here.”

I didn’t have any pressing need to argue, not right now. Later, I’d have to figure out what I was going to do in town, but today I just sort of wanted to hide. It seemed unreal that I’d been in Rio Verde that afternoon. Now I was in another state, in a town I’d never visited, alone with a man who made me crazy with feelings I didn’t want.

There wasn’t a lot to watch while I waited. I assumed we looked like any other couple on a vacation—not that there were a lot of tourists who rolled into desert towns in mid-May, but we didn’t draw a lot of attention. That was good.

No more than twenty minutes passed before Adam was sliding back into the driver’s seat. He looked my way and asked, “Are you still doing okay?”

I nodded. All of my emotions felt too raw still. A nod was the best I could offer.