Unforgiven (5 page)

***

She might have plugged in her earbuds, but the fact of the matter was that it had just been a ruse to get Samuel to leave. There was a lot she knew she’d never understand about Samuel, what made him tick, and why he chose to do the things he did—to continually hurt those he said he loved. But there was one thing she knew as sure as the rain. Samuel had a fear of commitment.

She’d always been able to recognize the signs. They’d once been as close as two lovers could get, but there’d always been this side of him that he kept locked away and no one could touch. She always felt it, maybe before he even felt it himself. It was a fear of being hurt, of opening up a part of himself that he’d closed off forever. She could almost see the moment that door cracked open, that moment of allowing someone truly inside, before he slammed it closed again. He might never be able to let her in. Maybe now she was at a point where she could understand it, if not accept it.

As soon as the door clicked closed, she let out a shaky breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. She was both happy and heartbroken at the same time. It hurt to give everything to a man she loved so deeply only to find that he couldn’t love back with everything he had. Jake had loved her back, but Jake wasn’t the one, and she’d despaired for so long when she finally realized the mistake she’d made. Now she was responsible for tearing the brothers apart. It was the one thing she couldn’t live with.

She closed her laptop and reached for the phone beside her. She stared at the blinking light, a message from Jake or Samuel, most likely. She already knew they had both called, and the last thing she wanted was to hear their voices again right now.

She pulled open the nightstand drawer and rummaged inside for Samuel’s address book. She found it, one of two numbers, office and home. Before she lost her nerve, she dialed a number she had never once called.

“Sheriff’s office,” answered a woman with a western twang.

“Is Logan Wilde available?”

There was a pause on the other end. “The sheriff is in with his deputies. Can I tell him who’s calling for him?”

For a moment, Jill felt her courage slipping. She was tempted to say, “No, that’s fine, I’ll call back later,” but she wouldn’t call back, because she knew Samuel’s family hated her. To them, she was Helen of Troy, who had come between the Wilde brothers and driven a wedge in their bond. After all, Jake and Samuel had been inseparable. Until her. Who knew what Logan had decided about her?

“Ma’am, can I tell the sheriff who’s calling?”

She heard someone else in the background, a voice. “Please tell him it’s Jill Robertson, his brother’s…I—I live with his brother.” She wasn’t his wife, and she didn’t feel like anything but a burden.

“Just a moment.”

She was put on hold, and she worried again that Logan wouldn’t take her call.

“I’ll put you through now,” the woman said when she came back on. It was the one thing Jill hadn’t expected. She scooted up higher and slid her legs over the side of the bed.

“Sheriff Wilde here.” He sounded so much a man of authority.

“This is Jill Robertson. I’m…”

“Jill, I know who you are.” He sounded almost friendly and kind. She hadn’t expected that, either.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to talk to me.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t I talk to you?” She could hear a door close and then a chair squeak.

“I’ve broken your family up. I would have expected you to hate me. I’d understand it.” She heard a sigh on the other end, and it was so similar to the sigh Samuel gave when he was frustrated with her. “Sorry, you sound like Samuel.”

“Is Samuel all right?” Logan asked.

“Actually, that’s why I’m calling. He’s not all right. None of this is all right.”

“What’s going on, Jill?”

“Logan, he’s your brother, and this mess with Jake…I never planned for it to come between them, for his relationship with you and Ben and Joe to also be so tense. He feels as if he’s had to make a choice between his brothers and me, and I don’t want that for him. He’ll hate me. He already does. I just don’t think he’s going to admit it to himself.”

“Oh, I see, so this is about you.”

Samuel was right about Logan: he came across as tough and to the point. She’d never spent a lot of time with Samuel’s brothers other than Jake, but she did know that Logan was who they looked up to. He was their big brother, and when it came to anything, he was who they all went to. She wondered whether any of them really understood that Logan was the anchor who held them together. She did.

“No, this isn’t about me. This is about two brothers who hate each other and loved each other so deeply before me. They were inseparable, and because of me and my insecurities and falling into Jake’s arms, I’m responsible for severing a relationship that should be unbreakable.”

There was another sigh, but this time he sounded resigned. “No, Jill, this isn’t entirely on you. Don’t play the martyr here. You may not have put a lot of thought into what you did, hopping from one brother’s bed to another, and you do have your share of blame here, but Jake and Samuel are big boys, and they hold their share of blame, as well. Jake should have known better than to be a shoulder for you to cry on. Even you had to know he’s been in love with you for as long as you’ve been with Samuel. And Samuel…what can I say, Jill? He played a part in sending you right to Jake. It’s a mess.”

“So you’re saying there’s no hope? Because I can’t—won’t believe that,” she said. This couldn’t be the end. She couldn’t live with that over her head. Every time she looked at her baby, even now when she felt it flutter, she wouldn’t be able to feel the joy she wanted to feel. This baby would always be a reminder of two brothers who had once been best friends.

“They’re my brothers, Jill. Of course it’s not over and done, but Samuel and Jake have to work out this mess between them. I can’t take sides, here. No one can, or it will divide us, and I won’t stand for that.”

“But you already did take sides, Logan. He was devastated when not one of you showed up for his wedding.” Maybe she was going too far, but she’d already overstepped the moment she picked up the phone.

There was silence for a moment as if he was thinking. She wished she could see his face, as she didn’t have a clue how to read the brother’s silence. “Samuel called me less than twenty-four hours before you were to be married, on your way to the airport to fly to Vegas. At any other time, I would have found a way to be there, including driving all night, but Julia was down with a cold, and so was the baby, and I had one deputy away on holidays, with the neighboring county crime scene techs coming in to investigate an arson. It was an impossible situation, Jill. Samuel could have postponed the wedding. I asked him to wait, because no matter what problems were going on, I would have been there.”

She couldn’t believe what he was saying. It was just enough to give her some hope. “But his other brothers didn’t show, either, and he didn’t say anything to me about why you couldn’t come.”

He let out a soft chuckle on the other end that sounded anything but friendly. “Oh, I know my brother very well, and I imagine he didn’t. I don’t know why Ben and Joe couldn’t go, but I can guess Joe doesn’t have the money to spare to hop on a plane. His wife is pregnant, and he won’t ask for money, for help. And Ben…I don’t know why he didn’t go, but I don’t believe for a second he’d blow Samuel off. He probably had a good reason, too, considering none of us got notice. Jill, you can’t have expected Jake to go. I hope you didn’t, because I know how torn up he was when you left him and went back to Samuel. It would have been like pouring salt in a wound for him even though he’s moved on.”

“No, I didn’t expect Jake. I wouldn’t have been comfortable if he came, but I would have put aside my feelings for Samuel. It helps a little to hear why you couldn’t come. Samuel was so upset that he didn’t share any of this with me.”

“Well, it’s done, Jill. I can only wish that through all this mess, Samuel is happy. Jake, too. I hope they both realize you’ve all made the right choice. Jake has found someone who makes him happy, and I, for one, want to see him and Chris make a go of it. She’s a nice girl.”

Of course she was. Even though she and Jake weren’t together, she couldn’t help feeling a tiny bit jealous that he was now with another woman—even though she didn’t love him, even though she was with Samuel. It wasn’t okay, and she’d never admit how she felt to anyone, because even to her it made her seem like one of those women she’d sworn never to be. But she couldn’t always tell her heart how to feel.

“I hope Jake is happy, I really do. He’s an amazing man,” she said.

There was a tapping in the background as if Logan was waiting for her to get to the point, or maybe he was figuring out a way to get off the phone.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m calling.”

“Well, yes, I am. But I’m not a monster, Jill. How are you, and how’s the baby?”

“That’s another reason for the call. I need your help, because I don’t know what to do.” Her voice broke as she felt the weeks of stress she’d been carrying push through to the surface.

“Jill, what’s going on?” Logan didn’t sound anything like Samuel now. This brother sounded more like Jake, with his concern.

“I can’t go on like this. I love Samuel very much. I’ve always loved him, I always will, but I wonder if we’re even good together. So much has happened that I’m starting to believe he doesn’t love me. He may want me, but I wonder if he really knows what he wants. There’s a part of him I don’t think I’ll ever have. He may not ever be able to give it, but it’s that part of him that’s tied to you, to his brothers. You know, with what happened with Jake, I never really understood your family. I still don’t.”

He groaned in the background and made a noise that sounded like a laugh, but it wasn’t. “Go on,” he said. He didn’t try to explain his family. Maybe he wasn’t willing to share, either.

“We’re really at a crossroads, Logan, and we can’t go anywhere from here until Samuel knows what he wants.”

“It sounds like you’re talking about leaving my brother.”

Maybe that was what she was leading to even though she’d never allowed her head to go there until now. “Well, I guess what I’m getting at, Logan, is that he needs you. He needs his brothers to help him figure out a whole lot of things. Maybe it isn’t me he should be with, and I should go, but he needs to know first where he is. If Samuel doesn’t, I’m afraid I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to be like this anymore, living day to day waiting for him to come home and decide he’s had enough. Will he have the courage this time to say it, or will he start up with another woman again?”

“What about the baby, Jill?”

She touched her hand hesitantly to her rounded belly. She’d not allowed herself to become attached, maybe because of the strain of this uncertainty of who the father was and what the fallout would be. “Jake called. He wants a test now to see who the father is. He’s right. It has to be done now, and it could change everything. This might all be moot, and Samuel will have his get-out-of-jail-free card.”

“What are you asking, Jill?”

“Please talk to Samuel, to Jake. Please find a way to bring Samuel back into the fold with his brothers. That’s all I’m asking, and that’s all I want,” she said. “But, Logan, there’s one thing you should know.”

“I’m listening,” he said.

“Samuel and me, we’re not married.”

***

“I never saw you come in. Why are you back?” Erin said. She was standing in the doorway of his office.

Samuel glanced up and rubbed his eyes. The scraps of yellow paper from his notes were scattered on his desk. He leaned back in his chair, his tie loosened around his neck, taking in the darkened offices all empty behind her. He glanced at his watch. It was after six. “Listen, I was going through these notes from the deposition, and I think we really need to look at a different strategy here.”

Erin walked into his office and dumped her coat on one of the two chairs in front of his desk. “Why would you say that?”

“Well, the husband’s lawyer is making this about the financial mess the husband made, and since Samantha is the one with the means and comes from a wealthy family, it’s all her money and she owns everything—the house, the cars. The business was his baby, and she financed it. The guy’s just…”

“Really bad in business.”

“Yeah. The problem is that she’s older than him. She’s nice looking, but…”

“You mean she’s not a Barbie doll. She’s someone who looks good but isn’t extraordinary, and she married a guy almost half her age, a boy toy, very good looking. No jury is going to believe for one moment that he raped her. In fact, they’d be more likely to see it the other way around.”

How could he have missed this? But then, he’d never gotten a look at Samantha’s husband before today. No, today he had gotten a good look, all right. Even sitting in that conference room, the way the man had stared across the long table, Samuel had seen something in his eyes that despised Samantha. But having a woman accuse him of one of the worst things a man could be accused of, ruining his life if the police took up the case and charged him, his hatred seemed reasonable. As he watched Samantha, though, who sat stoically between Erin and himself, Samuel questioned his assumptions. Samantha had refused to look at the man she’d married, and as her lawyer, he didn’t know what to make of that. Why would her husband do that to her, and why wouldn’t she just walk away? Maybe that was one thing he’d never really understand.

“Look, for what it’s worth,” Erin said, “maybe she should walk away. I, for one, out of all this mess, believe it happened as she said. It was probably the only thing in their marriage he had any control over. She paid for everything, she made the decisions, and he doesn’t seem like the type of guy to sit back quietly and be her whipping boy. He’s angry, and the photos of the bruising, the rough sex, the way he held her down and violated her even when she demanded he stop…maybe he felt it was the only thing in his life he had control over. Maybe she did push him toward it, but the lying, smug bastard had his lawyer laying a foundation of a lifestyle of promiscuity, of how she liked to experiment. From being tied down to BDSM, he painted a picture of her pushing her limits. She denied it, some of it, but we know some of it did happen.” Erin sighed. “A hard case to win. I can see why the cops wouldn’t pursue it.”