Until Proven Innocent (4 page)

“
What are you going to do, shoot me with that thing?”

“
What the hell do you care? You’re gonna jump anyway. Our new policy is that once you’ve tried a stunt like this, the next time, we make sure you go through with it. Do you have any idea how much it costs the City to send those fire engines and police over here every time you pull a stunt like this? If we don’t put a stop to it, you’ll just keep doing it, and then we’ll be so short of funds, we’ll have to lay off some cops.

“
Now you’ve got two choices, either jump, or go back through your window and sign the papers I’ve brought with me, promising not to do this anymore. We’re getting sick and tired of jerks like you wasting our time and money.”

Tony has now holstered his cannon and is waving a legal-looking document at the guy. I’m completely flabbergasted. Now I’m convinced. Tony is as crazy as the guy out on the ledge. To my surprise, Tony withdraws his head from the open window, and closes it.

“
What happened, Tony? Did he jump?”

“
Naw, he went back into his office. Excuse me, I’m supposed to check in with the receptionist about my appointment.”

That was it. Tony didn’t give it a second thought. The receptionist was still shaking, but Tony calms her down, hands her his card, and says that he’s here to see one of the doctors. She’s obviously still in a state of shock, but out of pure force of habit tells him to go down the office hallway to room ‘B.’ Tony motions for me to come with him. This is really strange. He’ll kill a robber and threaten a jumper, but it looks like he’s afraid to go into a shrink’s office without me at his side. I might as well go along and watch the rest of this show, so I follow him down the hall.

Seated behind the desk is a neatly dressed gentleman in his late fifties. He seems very calm, picks up a folder with Tony’s name on it, and starts his usual psychobabble.

“
Hmmm. Let’s see, what do we have here? Ah, I see. A police officer that seems to take delight in shooting black people, and shows no remorse about it.”

I can see that this guy’s trying to build up his fee. He’ll probably suggest that Tony’s not ready to return to active duty, but after a couple of months of treatment, maybe he’ll be cured. I look at the nameplate on his desk. The first name after ‘Dr.’ is ‘Christopher.’ I look at Tony with a question on my face, and he responds with a slight affirmative nod, letting me know that we’re now in the presence of the ledge guy.

Doctor jumper continues. “Detective, have you brought with you the certification sheet for your return to active duty?” I think I’d better hold on to it for a while, because we should meet a few more times.”

That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Not only is this shrink certifiable, he’s a crook too. I grab the document out of Tony’s hand, stand up, lean over the desk, and give Chris some advice.

“
Listen here, you nutcase. Lucky for you the jump attempt ended before the news helicopters arrived, so no one really got a good enough look at you. You were standing on a ledge that was near the corner of the building above a protruding sign for the savings and loan downstairs, so they couldn’t see your face from the street either. Now here’s the deal. You sign this document, Detective Tony goes back to work, you don’t screw the City out of any money, and we all tell the papers that it must have been one of your patients out there. We don’t know who your patients are, and you don’t have to tell them who it was, because of doctor-patient privilege.

“
That leaves everyone happy, Tony’s working again, and your alleged career as a shrink is still intact. The alternative is that you get arrested right now for perpetrating a fraud on the City, and you spend the rest of your life in a loony bin. So what’s it gonna be, doc?”

The shrink looks up at me with an icy stare, removes a pen from the gold matching set on his desk, signs Tony’s certificate, and we both walk out of his office.

There’s not much conversation in the car on the way back to the Marina, other than my asking Tony one question. “How did you know he wasn’t going to jump?”

“
Elementary, counselor. His shoes looked like they’d just been worked on by that shoeshine guy in the lobby, because I could see ink polish stains on the ledge. Nobody who intends to jump off an eleventh story ledge has his shoes shined first. Besides, unless the guy’s a complete psycho, he’s probably a coward. He’s afraid to face the problems that he’s got, like a cheating wife, too many bills, stuff like that. They think that being out on a ledge will get them some attention. When he saw me waving this big pistola in his direction, he got to see what death really looks like, and that scared the hell out of him. How about you? How did you know about that protruding sign under the ledge?”

“
I lied.”

Tony actually cracks a slight smile at hearing my answer. “Well, it worked. That guy was really going to work me over if you weren’t there. If I didn’t get certified quick, I’d be in line for some prosecution for that off-duty shooting, because I didn’t identify myself first by shouting out “police!” Those are the rules, you know. Next they’ll probably require us to wear tee-shirts with big bulls eyes painted on, so the bad guys can have an easier target to hit. And from what I hear, that broad who’s the new district attorney is a real ball-buster. You’re a criminal lawyer, do you know her?”

“
Yeah, you could say that.”

I can tell that the computer in his brain is spinning. After a few minutes, he looks at me and says. “Oh yeah, you’re the one. Now I remember. Well, I owe you.”

“
It’s funny you should mention that. I’ve got a little situation I need some help with. Some sleazeball is harassing my friend’s fiancée.”

“
You want me to talk to him?”

“
I don’t want him killed. I just want to know who he is. I can handle it from there.”

I give him the note that Olive gave me.

“
Here’s his cell phone number.”

Tony doesn’t say anything. He takes the note and sticks it in his pocket. It’s a nice quiet conversation-less ride back to the Marina.

* * * * * *

Chapter 4

Back at the boat, I’m greeted with a dogmail message that urges me to call a Miss April May. This name sounds like a joke of some sort, but the kid usually screens the calls pretty good, so it’s probably real. I dial her number and the sweetest, sexiest, most sensual feminine voice I’ve ever heard answers the phone. I immediately conjure up a picture of some gorgeous female to match the voice, sit back on the couch, and in my sick mind get ready to enjoy a conversation with some sexy supermodel.

After a brief exchange of small talk, she explains that she’s being evicted from her apartment because of her tiny Chihuahua.

“
April, is there anything in your lease that prevents you from having a dog live with you in the apartment?”

“
No, it’s not that he’s living with me, it’s what he does outside.”

“
Okay, I give up. Exactly what does he do outside that is causing your eviction?”

“
He does his business.”

Other than the huge beast that lives with us on the boat, I don’t know much about dogs, but if by ‘doing his business,’ she means that he leaves a souvenir on the ground, I can’t imagine Chihuahua droppings as a reason for eviction.

“
Why is that causing you to be evicted, April?”

“
Well, that’s not exactly what’s causing me to be evicted, but the manager of the apartment building told me that if I didn’t move out, he’d turn me in to the police for multiple violations of the dog dropping laws, and that I’d lose Charlie and probably go to jail.”

Having the brain of a brilliant lawyer, I put two and two together and figure that Charlie must be the little rat she calls a dog.

“
April, if the law he’s talking about requires you to pick up your dog’s droppings, have you been doing that?”

“
No Mister Sharp, I haven’t. I’ve got a slight problem with my back, and it’s too hard for me to bend over to pick Charlie’s stuff up. Mister Sharp, I’m really worried about this. And I’m not the only one he’s been threatening. There’s a nice older couple living upstairs of me, and he says that they’re moving out too. I don’t see them very often.”

“
April, just how old is that ‘older’ couple?”

“
Oh my goodness, they must be almost fifty.”

At this point my image of a life with April has just disappeared. She’s obviously a twenty-something bimbo who thinks that everyone over thirty is a senior citizen. Besides, if I were ever to go out with a supermodel, I’d have the fear that if we were involved in an auto accident she’d place a higher priority on her broken nail than on my broken leg.

I tell April that she should call Suzi to make an appointment to come and see us. She tells me that Suzi already told her to come by this afternoon, so she’ll be at the boat in an hour. This gives me some time to try and find out why our law practice has sunk lower than merely ‘going to the dogs,’ we’re now down to the dog droppings.

The answer to today’s mystery is solved when the phone rings and my caller display shows Olive’s cell phone number.

“
Hello Olive. Before you ask, I just want you to know that I’m already working on that guy who’s bothering you. We should have some information on him later this week.”

“
Oh thanks, Mister Sharp, but I was only calling to see if you had a chance to speak to April.”

“
She’s a friend of yours?”

“
Well, sort of. I was with Suzi a couple of times when she took Bernie to the dog park, and he’s really friends with Charlie… that’s April’s dog.”

“
Yeah, I know. You mean that the huge Saint Bernard and the tiny Chihuahua are friends, and they play together?”

“
Oh, yes. They’re great friends. And you know what? After hearing April, I recognized her as being my trainer at the Love Line, that place where I worked doing that phone stuff. She was the one who broke me in, and I tried to sound just like her when talking to the customers. She taught me how to find out the special things that each caller wanted to hear, so that when they called back again, I could pretend like they were special and that I remembered them.”

That answers another question. I’m glad to see that a sweet sexy voice like April’s was put to some good use. My curiosity gets the best of me and I don’t want to wait to find out.

“
Olive, would you please tell me what April looks like?”

There’s a slight hesitation on the other end of the phone. I don’t know if Olive’s still there, or if her cell phone dropped the call.

“
Olive? You still there?”

“
Yes, I’m still here. You wanted to know what April looks like. Well, let’s say she’s put on a few pounds recently, and it hasn’t exactly helped her appearance any.”

Okay. In a way I’m glad she’s on the chubby side. This will keep me from falling for her when she talks to me.

A large boat must be moving somewhere close to ours, because the Grand Banks is starting to rock in the slip. There’s a megayacht parked at the end of our dock that I’ve been told belongs to George Clooney. Thinking that the rocking is being caused by George’s boat pulling out, I walk over to the window to see if he’s up on the bridge. George’s boat is still there and I now see what’s causing our boat to rock. April is coming up the boarding steps. She walks into the saloon and fills up the room. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone this fat. She must weigh close to five hundred pounds. Charlie is with her, but he immediately runs to the forward stateroom to visit with his friend Bernie, who signaled his presence with a soft whine. I tell April to sit down and relax and offer her a cold glass of water. She broke a sweat coming up our boarding steps. Later on I’ll check to see if she broke the steps too.

I’ll never know how people can possibly let themselves go like this. She probably has no control over her poor complexion, but boy, that body sure needs work. She obviously knows what’s going through my mind, because it’s the same thing that everyone thinks when seeing her for the first time.

“
I guess now you can see why I have difficulty picking up Charlie’s droppings.”

“
Well April, I don’t have to tell you that it would help if you lost a few pounds, but in the meantime, there are those small dustbins on a pole, like the kind that ushers use in a movie theater to pick up cigarette butts. If you really want one, I’m sure that every pet store has them for sale. Then you won’t have to bend down at all.”

“
I know, Mister Sharp, but I don’t think it would help now. The manager told me he’s already got another tenant lined up for my apartment, and also one for the place upstairs where those older folks live.

“
You know, the strange thing is, we’re not the only ones in the building with dogs. There’re lots of them. But we’re the only ones he’s picking on.”

This sounds like a coincidence, and I don’t like coincidences. I tell April to write down all the information about her building, how long she’s been there, and any information she has on Mister Miller, the manager.

“
April, you can stay here as long as you want this afternoon, because I know that Charlie and Bernie need some time together. I’ve got some errands to run, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be taking off now.”

“
Thank you for helping me, Mister Sharp. About your fee…”

“
Oh, you can make those arrangements with Suzi. She usually handles things like that.”