Until Proven Innocent (9 page)

“
Gee, I don’t know….”

“
And when you talk to him, please try to use that same voice your trainer taught you. He’ll be more amenable to hiring you sight unseen if you can get a rise out of him on the job interview phone call. And don’t forget to tell him how beautiful you really are, but remind him that you’re not the same girl that your company used in its photo ads.”

I hear a beep on my phone, which means there’s another call coming in. I make sure Olive has my instructions, and switch to the other line.

“
Mister Sharp, I’m a production assistant over at the Venice Soundstage. Joe Caulfield wanted me to tell you to come over here as soon as you can.”

This can’t mean anything good. I hope Tony hasn’t shot anyone over there.

When I get to the soundstage, they’re all waiting for me in Joe’s office. Joe starts first.

“
Peter, we can’t allow real loaded guns on the set. Our insurance company specifically put that clause in the completion bond. There are a lot of scenes in the movie where people are shooting guns, and they’re all phony, firing caps, to give off a little smoke. We add the actual gunshot sound in post production.”

“
So? That’s what you called me over here for? Some provision in your insurance policy?”

“
Not exactly Peter, it seems that our new star is a little temperamental about surrendering his weapon to the prop guy. He insists on wearing that huge thing in his shoulder holster. I admit that it gives a nice touch to the movie because whenever he leans forward the camera can see it in there. Unfortunately though, we can’t allow it.”

Tony can’t sit quiet any longer.

“
Did you see what they want me to wear? Some piss-ant .32 caliber revolver with a snub-nosed barrel. And to make things worse, it’s not even real. It’s a replica!”

Saying this, Tony pulls out the pistol and tosses it over to me. I catch it and take a close look. It feels and weighs like the real thing.

“
Tony, this gun is an exact replica of the real thing. What’s wrong with your carrying it in the movie?”

“
Because counselor, if anyone I knew saw me with that pea-shooter, my reputation would be ruined.”

I look around the room at the expressions of frustration on Joe Caulfield, the director, the prop man, and some other above-the-line people seated there.

“
Okay, I’ve got a suggestion. Part of your soundstage is supposed to be the cops’ squad room. Why don’t you take a camera off of the set and get a shot of Tony putting his real cannon into a desk drawer somewhere, and then slamming and locking the drawer. Then you can cut back to him in the squad room, as he puts on a different shoulder holster with the small revolver in it, while he tells another cop in the room that the judge doesn’t want him to bring the big gun into the courtroom. And after the close up of the first desk is shot, I’m sure you can provide some safe place for Tony to lock up the real thing until after his courtroom scene is shot.”

They’re all looking at each other. Several conversations are going on at the same time between the groups in the room. The camera guys are talking about how to frame the close-up of the desk drawer, the props and wardrobe people are talking about the other cop and what he should be wearing, the continuity guy is conferring with the director about how to continue the scene from outside the set to inside the set, and Joe Caulfield is talking to Tony about the exact dialogue he can live with.

With all those little meetings going on, they don’t even notice my walking out of the room. On the way out, Renaldo, the production assistant who called me, introduces himself. He looks a little old to be a production assistant, because he’s probably in his late thirties. We chat for a few minutes about how production is going, and he tells me that everyone on the set is afraid of Tony. They know he’s a decent guy, but they’re still reluctant to say anything that might upset him. I also learn that Ren is the guy that Tony mentioned as being a film crewmember who he went shooting at the target range with.

Ren also tells me about all of the constant arguments that Tony and Joe Caulfield are getting into about dialogue, blocking, character attitude, and just about everything concerning Tony’s on-camera scenes. From what I hear, it sounds like there’s a constant ongoing feud between Tony and Joe, so I hope Joe stays alive until Tony’s scenes are finished. Ren seems like a pretty decent guy, so I decide to take a chance and see if he’ll help me out.

“
You know Ren, I really want to be kept up to date on how things are going with my friend Tony. Would it be possible for me to retain you on a part-time consultant basis? I’d like to receive a phone call from you every afternoon, with a status report on whether or not Tony has shot anyone on the set, or if anything else out of the ordinary has taken place with him being involved.”

Ren seems to be amenable to my consultation job, so I offer him an initial retainer of two fifty-dollar bills and tell him that I’ll be straightening out with him at least once a week. The offer is pocketed, and I now have an inside connection in the movie industry.

While I’m here I decide to take a little tour of the various rooms connected to the soundstage. The executives are still in Joe’s office working out Tony’s new scenes and the rest of the crew is out at the catering truck, so I shouldn’t be getting in anyone’s way. While I’m between the makeup room and the green room, one of the young starlets sees me walking around and because I probably look like I’m lost, she offers to help me. I can see why there’s so much trouble in celebrity marriages. With all this temptation around, it’s a wonder that any of them stay married. She asks me if I live in the neighborhood, because she does too, and she hasn’t seen me around before.

When I tell her that I live on a boat in the Marina, she excitedly tells me that I’m just like her dad… he likes boats too. She wonders if I know him. I tell her that we probably have met at the Marina in the senior citizens’ center. A reality check like this is never welcome, but it brings home the fact that I will never be with a beautiful young starlet unless I’m a big movie star or a producer – and neither of those careers is on my horizon. But I could easily settle for a thirty-six-year-old female District Attorney I know.

*****

I never realized how much is entailed in the production of a movie. The various rooms in this building contain well-lit make-up desks, wardrobe racks, a large area with flat sections of walls that resemble the interiors of different rooms, a prop department with all sorts of things, an editing room with numerous monitors and hi-end video equipment, a camera and grip storage room, and one other that has a ‘no admittance’ sign on the outside of the door.

Anything sign telling me to keep out of some place invariably becomes a definite invitation for me to go in. That’s always been a certainty with guys like me. I try the doorknob and it’s open, so I stick my head into the room and look around. This was a waste of my time. There’s nothing in the room but a bunch of DVD recorders like the one on my boat, and a machine that I looks like something I’ve never seen before anywhere but on the bridge of Captain Kirk’s Starship Enterprise. I have no idea what it is, but I do see that it some large glass doors on the front, and through them I can see some reels, with what looks like film on them. My guess is that the film goes from one reel, through some other parts of the machine, and then winds around the other reel. All I can see that is recognizable is a small label that identifies this device a ‘Rank Telecine.’ I don’t know what it does other than probably cost a lot of money.

When I pass by Joe’s office, everyone else is gone, but Joe is still in a conference with Tony. The absence of gunfire is a sign that everything is under control, so I’m leaving the building. I like to quit when I’m ahead.

*****

Dean Doheny is a friend of mine who works in the advertising business, and I’ve asked him to see if he can find out anything he can about Hershel’s plans to use a spokesperson. I’d like to know if there’s any possibility that he has Olive in mind for that position, and if the position will ever exist.

Now that Olive’s matter is moving along, I can turn back to April’s case and read the report that Jack B. sent in. The building that she lives in is owned by a real estate trust. The two main players in the trust are a Chad and Ruth Sinclair, who live in Holmby Hills, one of the richest parts of town. Jack’s search revealed that the Sinclairs own more than just the one building where April’s apartment is, they also control several other choice properties with ocean views.

I send a response to Jack, telling him to check out those other properties and see if there’s any hanky-panky or under-the-table deals going on with the other managers too.

That’s enough work for one afternoon, so I call a cab to take to Mi Ranchito for some Patrón margaritas and a huge custom made burrito, containing everything the house has to offer, including onions, sour cream, tomatoes, shredded lettuce, extra beans, rice, olives and guacamole. When the cook gets that order he knows it’s for me, so I usually get it exactly the way I order it.

After a nice evening that includes an extremely filling dinner and drinks, and watching a soccer game broadcast in Spanish, the cab drops me off at the Marina, so I get in bed and continue with my plans to watch late nite television to see what Hershel Belsky has to offer in his car commercials.

The television wakes me at the time I set for it: two in the morning.
The Magnificent Seven
is playing, and there’s a gunfight going on between the bandito, played by Eli Wallach, and the seven heroes, played by Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Horst Bucholtz, Robert Vaughn, Charles Bronson, James Coburn and Brad Dexter. I know those names by heart and have won quite a few bets in drinking establishment by naming them all correctly. I used to know the names of all Santa’s reindeers, and also the Seven Dwarfs and Seven Deadly Sins, but most of the money bets were for those seven magnificent cowboys. If I ever learn the names of every guy Elizabeth Taylor was married to, I could probably make some money in gay bars too.

Just as the scene gets interesting, the movie stops mid-sentence and a commercial for Hal’s Beverly Hills Auto Mart flashes onto the screen. Sure enough, there’s Hershel doing his spiel. If there was ever a poster boy for male menopause, it’s him. He must be pushing sixty, and is riding one of those Segway scooters around on his used car lot, stopping in front of each used reconditioned junk just long enough to pitch it to the viewers. His full head of hair is dyed black, probably with shoe polish. The silk shirt is a regular, with an extra large guy stuffed inside of it, which causes the buttons in front to look like they’re about to pop off. The top buttons are left open, giving us a view of his hairy chest and the several gold chains hanging around his neck. His stunning polyester pants are held up by a wide, shiny white belt. Coincidentally, the belt matches his shiny white leather shoes. If you borrow a bartender’s reference guide and look up ‘night crawler,’ you should see a picture of Hershel.

But you have to give credit where it’s due and Hershel certainly deserves some. He’s obviously a very shrewd businessman who has built a successful new and used car dealership in the heart of America’s richest and most famous neighborhood. He sounds like a really good pitchman, and his offer “you get a Segway scooter with the purchase of any new or used car in our inventory” certainly should be tempting for most people.

To preserve his image for posterity, I’ve got my TIVO running during the commercial. After it’s over I go back to the part where he offers that scooter and see that down at the bottom of the screen is a lot of small print that describes the offer in more detail. Even with my huge fifty-two-inch high definition flat plasma screen I can barely make out the tiny print explaining that the Segway is not exactly a gift, but instead is a one month free trial, after which time it can be purchased from Hershel’s dealership at some allegedly discounted wholesale price. He’s no fool.

While the movie is running I check out that scooter on the Internet and discover that this little 2-horsepower people mover with Michelin tires is controlled by 5 internal gyroscopes and has a gearbox that is sealed and designed to be maintenance free. The specs state that a rider must be between 100 and 250 pounds, so it looks like Hershel is pushing the upper limits.

Suzi rides around the Marina in one of those electrical golf-cart-like devices. If it wasn’t for the fact that she won’t go anywhere without the beast, a Segway would be perfect for her… as soon as she’s big enough to see over the handlebars. The company’s specs list an operating range of between 11 to 15 miles on a full charge, and that’s much more than the average person would ever walk in a normal day. This means that it’s definitely not intended to replace the automobile, but only designed as a pedestrian’s aid.

When Hershel’s commercials continue, he makes reference to a big event that he’ll be hosting at his dealership soon. One of the car manufacturers he represents will be introducing a brand new sporty little convertible to the market. If what he says is true, this must be the project he wants Olive’s voice and body for. I’ll check with my ad guy Dean Doheny tomorrow to see if I’m in the ballpark with this guess.

*****

Hershel wasn’t lying. According to Dean’s inside info, Hershel actually is making a big budget commercial, to be shot on film. Hershel’s advertising agency sent out copies of the shooting script for some bids on production of the commercial.

From the bits and pieces of information that Dean was able to get, there actually is a brand new sporty little convertible being manufactured in a plant up in northern California. The new car will be rolled out in a month or so, and Hershel has made arrangements with the factory to have the first demo of that model brought down to his dealership so that he can throw a ‘premiere’ party and offer it to prospective customers for a test drive.