Vampire Taxonomy (17 page)

You may consider it a sign of weakness in your relationship, but you should be prepared to defend yourself against even your most dearly loved vampire friends at all times. It’s the safest thing for you and those around you. Like it or not, precautionary steps are an important part of securing your happiness. If you are educated and prepared for a possible vampiric slipup, you’ll know what to do in the event your lover takes a toothy dive at your little sister. Imagine if you weren’t prepared: You could be out a sister
and
a lover.

Keep a makeshift vampire kit in your bedside table or somewhere else nearby. Yes, you will probably catch hell if he discovers it, but just say your jerk uncle gave it to you and you haven’t had a chance to throw it away yet. The contents should simply be anything that will repel a raging hunger attack. Consider holy water, a cross, garlic, wolfsbane, or a bit of salt—having a variety of contents on hand helps increase the odds that at least one will work against your vamp.
⁷⁸

In a worst-case scenario it’s important to know just how to defend yourself against the fang. We’ve already covered specific deflection tactics for various vampire classifications. But here is a list of general need-to-know defense tactics. Though we’ve said it before, we feel we should say it again: These are to be used as defense only; leave the assault and offensive moves to the professionals.

Get familiar with all of the most vulnerable points on your body. It should be no surprise that these are all major arteries and veins. Take note of these areas, and do your best to keep them protected from prying canines.

This vein runs down along the side of your neck. If this throbbing artery is pierced, you’re in big trouble. The jugular connects directly to the heart and maintains a strong flow of blood between that muscular organ and the brain. It’s the superhighway to your blood, and few people can even stand up straight if their jugular has been tapped, let alone ward off an attack, so keep it protected.

The ulnar artery is a commonly accessed point of entry for both vampire friend and foe. Whenever you see a vampire bite into his own skin to share his blood, it’s from this artery in the wrist. This attack is often done under the guise of friendship. So be careful when offering your hand to a nosferatu; you’re only a few digits away from a problem artery.

The median cubital vein is the big blue line running down the inner side of your arm. Although not as dangerous an attack point as opening up the jugular, it’s still a problem if a vampire gets his fangs in there.

This is perhaps the most scandalous of weaknesses, as it’s located in the inner thigh of the victim. A professed favorite of many vampires, as it is perfectly positioned on the highest part of the inner thigh, it’s a veritable keg tap to a human’s circulatory system. But in order to allow a vampire to get there . . . well, we don’t need to tell you that. This particular vein should be looked after during romantic affairs, be they of the “one night” variety or more long-term.

Although it would be great to tell you that everyone should keep a trunk of crossbows, hatchets, and stakes in their living room, Buffy Summers-style, the reality is we cannot condone unauthorized use of weapons. There’s no such thing as a close call when a human has been accidentally impaled by a wooden stake. Our advice: Leave the big guns to the trained slayers and Dhampirs. But you should know a few easy moves to help get you out of a vampire entanglement.

You’ve got a better chance of escape when approached by a vampire if you yell for help. Not scream, yell. Think of all the times you’ve heard someone scream and wrote it off as people fooling around; that person could have been eaten by a vampire, and you wouldn’t have even known. Yell clearly and loudly, “Help!” or “Fire!”—anything that will draw quick attention to you, as vampires hate a crowd and a sticky situation. Chances are he’ll let you go and try to pick off a quieter snack. Don’t yell out “Vampire!” because you’ll most likely receive laughter instead of aid. The rest of the world is in the dark.

Although we strongly suggest yelling first, should you need to go on the offense, we suggest hitting them where it hurts. Vampire genitalia (in almost all cases, minus a few Guillermo del Toro beasties) will respond to both positive and negative touch. Whack ’em dead center where it counts and bolt. Don’t stick around to watch what happens. The next best spots for a strike are the eyes, nose, and throat, but as a vampire’s body no longer functions like that of a human, the chance of real damage is slim.

Run toward a crowded, well-lit area. This doesn’t mean a creepy boulevard; shoot for popular venues, like a Starbucks packed to the brim with people. Remember that a commotion can be used in your favor to scare off an undead attacker.

Although the probability of all the vampire kinds uniting is slim (vampires are notoriously solitary folk unless in a gang [see Chapter 7]), the occasional vampire uprising has been happening since the ancient days. Even today, you can see clippings of small vampire skirmishes where bold undead minds have tried to take over a community center or even a town.
⁷⁹
As long as there are evil vampires, there will always be plans to overthrow humankind. However, the world-domination ambitions of evil vamps are usually kept in check by professional hunters and, more often than not, their own kind.

Vampires know that the world needs humankind, but that it’s about maintaining a balance. As of right now, vampires lack the technology to wipe out the human race completely, so thankfully, as long as they continue to need our blood, we’re safe, in a manner of speaking. Plus, what are the fangers stuck in the night supposed to do during the day? You need someone around to take care of this planet in the light.

But if a vampire revolution were to take place, you should hope you’ve been kind to the nosferatu who respect the balance of nature. Because you’re going to need them to protect you from hell on Earth.

Consider an all-out vampire revolution akin to a nuclear crisis. There isn’t a safe place to turn, so it’s best to lie low in a sealed-from-the-inside bunker and wait it out. Honestly, you’re no match for a vampire army, and if you’re around if the good vamps lose, you should be so lucky as to be used as mere food.

The best idea is to gather as many supplies as possible, find a bomb shelter, and close it in around you. And for goodness’ sake, check everyone’s pulse before closing the door.

A full list of vampire slang, lingo, and ancient terms so you’ll be able to translate even the oldest language of vampirekind.

 

autovampirism
The act of drinking one’s own blood; this act will not, however, sustain a hungry vampire.

 

awakening
The first time a vampire comes to grips with his new senses, abilities, and vampire state. It usually happens moments after the vampire has been turned completely and is conscious.

 

Big Bad
A commonly used term from Joss Whedon’s
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
signifying an evil being, particularly a higher-up evil being who presents a great threat to humanity. The master would be considered a Big Bad, but not one of his many minions.

 

blood bond
The act of ingesting a vampire’s blood and letting him drink yours as well. This builds a bond between vampire and human, often allowing the vamp to know what you’re feeling or thinking at any given time. It’s very intense and should be created only with a trusted vampire, because you’ll be giving him a complete pass to your thoughts. The blood bond is commonly referenced in the Southern Vampire Mysteries but is prevalent throughout vampire media.

 

blood play
The sexual act of drawing blood for pleasure; it can be considered a fetish among humans, but for vampires it’s just getting a little hot and heavy.

 

the cocktail
A collection of pills, shots, or serums that keep a Halfie’s vampire virus in check. It will not cure the vampire virus but can keep it under control.

 

day driver
A human or supernatural creature that can walk in the day and chauffeur its vampire master around. Must own car.

 

Dhampir
A half-vampire/half-human who was born into his state, not bitten. The Dhampirs have been around for years, and Gypsy lore has them as some of the first vampire slayers. This trend continues in popular vampire culture today. Another commonly used term is
Dunpeal
. Inappropriate and slanderous labels of this kind are
Half-Breed
and
Half-Blood
.

 

donor
A willing and walking blood bank for vampires. A human kept around “just in case” the vampires need her veins. A donor can also be saved if she has truly unique blood and tasting it is more of an act of pleasure and enjoyment, like a wine tasting, rather than a feeding. Virginal blood is rumored to be one of the finest blood vintages, and some vampires believe it restores their youth. This term also has a negative meaning in some vampire circles and can be used sarcastically for those forced to give up their own blood.

elder
An ancient and influential member of a vampire bloodline. Usually a controlling member of that bloodline’s government who has the final say on vampire debates and disputes.

 

fangbanger
A person who is sexually promiscuous with vampires; not a kind term.

 

fang-gasm
The act of reaching full sexual stimulation with a vampire. This term is also used for people who reach full sexual stimulation from a vampire bite.

 

fangophile
Someone who is obsessed with the vampire culture, people, heritage, and species as a whole.

 

fang slip
The often inadvertent act of fang presentation when a vampire is sexually stimulated, excited, angry, or hungry.

 

fledgling
A term used by a sire or maker for his vampire children.

 

glamour
The vampire ability to alter a human’s memory. This phrase was more commonly used in Wiccan practice, but the Southern Vampire Mysteries series has claimed it for vampires now as well.

 

goons
A slanderous term for vampires, originating in
John Carpenter’s Vampires
.

 

maker
A vampire who has created another vampire will take on this title. Some bloodlines have limited power over those they have sired. There is an inherited level of respect and position given to the maker from his “children,” though it’s up to the kids if they follow this social vampire etiquette. Sometimes also called
Master
,
Mother
,
Father
, or
Creator
.

 

nest
A habitat where more than one vampire lives.

 

Nudger
Created in the
Twilight
series, unborn Dhampirs are now starting to be referred to as “Nudger,” the nickname Bella gave her child in the final book by Stephenie Meyer.

 

sanguine
An ancient term for
vampire
or
blood drinker
.

 

sire
Another label for a vampire who turns a mortal into a vampire. It can also be used as a verb:
sired
or
siring
.

 

S.V.F.
Sexy Vampire Forehead, a nickname created by Joss Whedon’s Harmony Kendall, the high school student from Sunnydale turned vampire, turned secretary, turned reality TV star in Joss Whedon’s
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
comic series. In Season 8, Issue 21, “Harmonic Divergence,” Harm finally gives a title to the rumpled forehead Whedon’s vampires have been sporting for years whenever they are feeling the bloodlust. Granted, the “editors” of Harmony’s new reality TV series in the comic were guessing that this was what she was implying.

 

turning
The actual act of transforming from human to vampire. A fully formed vampire who has undergone his awakening can also be referred to as
turned
.

 

vegan
A vampire who does not feast on live human blood. There’s a fairly large debate over whether vampires who drink harvested blood (not forcibly taken but donated) should be considered vegan vampires. Right now the lines are blurred, but a vegan vampire is normally a vampire who doesn’t drink human blood at all. Instead they feed on animals.

 

venom
The serum in vampires’ saliva, teeth, or blood that allows them to transform humans into vampires once it’s introduced into a human’s circulatory system.

 

the virus
Whatever element the vampire bloodline contains that changes humans into immortals. It can be mutated T cells, red blood cells, or an actual virus that attacks the human body—the term is a general one.

 

Whedonesque/Whedonverse
Used to describe something from the mind of Joss Whedon, creator of
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
.

Ashley, Leonard, RN.
The Complete Book of Vampires
. New York: Barricade Books, 1998.

 

Barber, Paul.
Vampires, Burial and Death: Folklore and Reality
. New York: Yale University Press, 1988.