Vampire Taxonomy (14 page)

The undead path can be a lonely one. Although many vampires choose a solitary life, there are plenty who take solace with other members of their kind. But as with the many personalities of the nosferatu, the social hierarchy of a vampire clan is important to be educated about, to ensure that you always stay one step ahead of the black shadow of the vampire.

The first gaggle of vampires and possibly the most violent are the Nomads. This type of troupe travels from town to town raising unholy hell in their wake. They care little about who they pick off for dinner and don’t bother with playing it low-key in person. The vast sprawl of empty countrysides and small-town “keep to yourself” attitudes keep this bunch relatively safe; plus they rarely stay in the same place for very long anyway.
⁷¹
That said, when it comes to vampire extermination they are usually the first to be attacked, because eventually their bold and brazen lifestyle leaves a trail for slayers. Moving from place to place doesn’t allow this gang to build up much of a resistance or defensive strategy, because all they have are the clothes on their backs and they are generally trying to evade rather than engage. Although they’re left pretty vulnerable, danger is still the way of this pack. Make it a rule of thumb to stay clear of any unruly and new faces that appear in the middle of the night in a lonely one-horse town.

Some vampires mimic the Dracula way and keep a small but familial group nearby at all times. Now, the vampire definition of family doesn’t necessarily mean the
Interview with the Vampire
way of life that plays out like
My Two Unholy Dads
. The more common familial vampire representation is made up of one head-of-the-household vampire and their small but loving harem of brides and/or grooms.
⁷²
The harem’s job is first and foremost to fulfill the wishes and demands of the master; next to looking effortlessly sexy at all times, they spend the rest of the day pleasing the master (of course) or any houseguests who need entertaining. The supernatural world of the nosferatu is by far the most open and welcoming of all sexual preferences. In fact, vampire pop culture has been pushing the bill on sexual equality issues long before it was popular for werewolves and other paranormal beings to get involved in Hollywood.
⁷³

The patriarch of the group is usually the head of the household and the one who decides who lives and who dies and becomes a member of the household harem. He has the final and solemn say in just about everything the harem does, from excessive chanting (
Dracula: Dead and Loving It
) to whether the family is going to begin breeding tiny hell babies (
Van Helsing
).

Higher up the ladder of vampire social hierarchy are the elite organizations: vampires who come from money or have wisely invested and now can live in a veritable commune with their own set of rules and regulations. Often this group’s business constitutes a large part of the human economy, and they own and operate large corporations.
⁷⁴
This group of vampires lives with the best of everything: clothes, homes, tools, and more. But living with these corporate-minded vampires means constant assimilation talks, plotting, and strategizing—often with little action outside the boardroom.
⁷⁵

The governing system of vampires includes the elders, ancients, highest of the high, and respected lawmakers and punishers of vampirekind. Most elders live separately with their peons and assistants and come together only in a time of great emergency. Still, they are the highest and most powerful among the vampire society and live in the lap of luxury and knowledge.

Depending on the bloodline, every vampire societal governing system is different. For example, in the
Blade
series the vampires are governed by an elite group of ancient purebloods (those born into vampirism). The class of vampire beneath them (never to have a seat at the elders’ table) are those who were sired into the vampire plane of existence, or bitten. With the number of purebloods depleting by the century, it’s no wonder there was a revolution.

Many vampire governments are run similar to the
Blade
scenario. The oldest look out for the youngest, because they have experience and know-how. Of course, some societies are more open for “bitten” vampires to take part in executive decisions; Anne Rice’s vampires have a fairly good system of checks and balances. Just because you’re an elder vampire (Akasha) doesn’t mean you have all the answers and can dictate the relationship between humans and vampires across the globe.

But no matter how the system is run, in most cases it’s regulated by a group of elders, while the business at home is usually taken care of by the head of the household.

In order to further understand the idiosyncrasies inside the personal world of a vampire, we’ve broken down the structural makeup of a vampire group commonly found in nomadic tribes and small gangs.

The head of any vampire gang usually tends to play fast and loose with both danger and power. This combination makes the head of the coven sometimes unpredictable, callous, or cruel, but always charismatic. He’s fought his way to the top, so he’s got to possess a certain amount of charm even if it only appeals to the undead. Still, it’s not all blood feasts and bats at the top. There will no doubt be at least two to three members within the coven gunning for his position. This makes treachery common, and the leader is often additionally cruel and somewhat paranoid as he anticipates betrayal from every corner. But perks abound: The leader is the first vampire to receive the spoils and glory—both material and mortal—of any endeavors, often choosing the prime human victims for himself. Although being the leader does affix a giant bull’s-eye on his back, the survival rate isn’t terribly low. Even after exceptionally brutal beatings and assassination attempts, he often somehow finds a way back to the top (though the process is usually very painful).

The leader’s most trusted advisor and “number two” is burdened with the day-to-day operations of the vampire coven. But this does not mean he’s the leader’s lackey; quite the contrary. In order to excel as the leader’s potential successor, the lieutenant vampire needs to have a firm grasp of logic. He often must be the voice of reason when tensions are high. It’s true that the number two often ends up on the business end of many of the leader’s emotional outbursts, but he usually gets his own back by schtupping the boss’s lover or even secretly planning a full-fledged mutiny with the rest of the ranks. But if his double-dealing is discovered, he is guaranteed a swift and painful dismissal from his position—and his existence.

Wanna get promoted out of the lower ranks of a coven? Find a sense of humor. Just becoming slightly more interesting than the muscle or a lowly foot soldier will improve your survival chances. Granted, you may have to pick up an annoying catchphrase or be prepared to laugh hysterically at even your superiors’ worst jokes, but at least you’ll only be called upon for menial jobs that involve cracking a one-liner and maybe a few human heads. It also doesn’t hurt for Comedic Outlets to scar themselves or dress slightly different from the rest of the group, as this allows them to stand out even more. Sadly, Comedic Outlets have a lower survival rate purely because they do tend to stick out. Still, it’s a higher position in the coven than the jock members and doesn’t require much thought, just the capacity to be obnoxious.

An important part of any coven is the Eye Candy. The best-looking member of the group can fulfill one of two roles: pretty worthless or pretty deadly. Both are fun, but the “pretty worthless” Eye Candy has a slightly better chance of survival because he most likely won’t be participating in fights. “Pretty deadly” is the coven’s secret weapon: They kill and they’re hot, so they’ll throw an attacker off guard. The other is there predominantly to fulfill their role as nothing more than Eye Candy. Both examples must look good in all situations and environments; after all, it’s their job to make sure the group is keeping up with appearances. Think Star in
The Lost Boys
: She didn’t really do much other than tell everyone what they already knew, but you could watch her say it for hours. Eye Candy may or may not have affairs with the number two, but their other job, aside from looking good, is keeping the boss happy. If you ever run into a pack of vampires, the Eye Candy with seemingly no real skills is your best chance for an ally if you have nothing else to barter with (unless you can appeal to number two, who’s usually always gunning for a hostile takeover of the group).

What group would be complete without the self-loathing sulky member who wavers back and forth between murdering his compatriots during the day or turning the stake on himself? Often the Troubled Outsider is a recently turned vampire or a Halfie still struggling with the transition from human to vampire. Expect this character to mope about daily, dragging his feet and continually complaining about the facts of vampiric life. This ne’er-do-well often ends up initiating the entire group’s demise by either trying to get himself out of his vampire predicament or selling out the group for leverage somewhere else.

Every group needs a smarty-pants chemist, scientist, or learned person (or at least someone to strut around pretending to know the facts). This member shouldn’t be allowed to make large group decisions, but if you need to build a better werewolf bullet or add some spice to the synthetic blood, he’s your undead man. Brains generally stay out of the fray and can often survive a bloodbath because they don’t usually get involved in physical altercations.

Vampire Muscle is a funny subgroup within a clan. Vampire “grunts” don’t necessarily have to be big and bold to be brutal enforcers. In fact, some of the most intimidating pop culture Muscle vamps rely only on their deeply troubled psyches to scare and intimidate humans. Who needs linebacker shoulders when you’re not afraid to open up someone’s throat in front of the entire room? Sadly, those who go charging headfirst into the climactic fight have crappy survival rates, but more often than not they exit in a blaze of glory.

These faceless drones do the bidding for the rest of the group. If you realize that no one knows a thing about you in your coven, let alone your name, chances are you’re a Foot Soldier and one red shirt away from dying on a vampire away mission.