Violated (35 page)

Victor’s violation of the protective order meant his lawyer was no longer able to enter into a plea bargain in Florida. The assault on the dock had been witnessed by a police officer—Russ—and that gave weight to the additional charges Derek filed against him, this time in New Hampshire. Not that Victor’s attorney didn’t work hard to get his client off lightly. Since Derek had fought back, he argued it qualified as mutual combat under New Hampshire law, which was a misdemeanor punishable by no more than a year in prison and a fine of not more than a thousand dollars. But that didn’t really fly, in light of the protective order Victor had violated by showing up at the cabin to begin with. Derek’s attorney used that, plus Derek’s injuries—verified through the hospital—and Russ’s testimony to get the charges raised to first degree assault. That was a class A felony under New Hampshire law. Victor was found guilty and sentenced to fifteen years and a fine of four thousand dollars.

His lawyer was appealing it, of course.

The whole mess got Victor fired. It didn’t take the entire two years—Jack let him go as soon as Derek filed charges. And an almost convincingly apologetic Virginia Haas called Derek to offer him his job back. He almost told her to shove it, but he wasn’t stupid. He had a mortgage to deal with, and though Tim had reluctantly coughed up the money for January, he was already making noises about letting the mortgage default.

So Derek went back to Top Circle. His coworkers knew all about the rape by now. He wasn’t sure which he hated most—the looks of pity from the people who believed it, or the hostile looks from those who thought the company “fag” had gotten revenge against an innocent man for refusing a pass. But he was sure of one thing. They no longer wanted him there, and he no longer wanted to be there. So he eventually found another position in another tech company down the road from Top Circle.

“I
T
’
S
OKAY
if we stop,” Russ told him.

Derek took a deep breath and waited for the quivering feeling to die down.

Their sex life had been improving, especially since Derek had admitted to himself that he couldn’t just will his fear away. He’d had to go through a couple of therapists before he found one who not only wasn’t bothered by him being gay—the first guy had seemed distinctly uncomfortable—but also understood what it was like to be raped. Someone who understood that it hadn’t been just a painful experience, but something that had poisoned him down to his core, down to his soul.

To his surprise, the therapist he’d ended up feeling most comfortable with was a woman.

Susan hadn’t been sure anal sex was a good idea. “There are a lot of gay men who
never
have anal sex,” she’d told him. “Some studies indicate it’s the majority. You and Russ have been doing well with other sexual activities. There’s no need to force yourself to do something you’re not ready for.”

He understood that. He also knew Russ wasn’t so enamored of having a dick up his ass that he’d want Derek to do it if it upset him. But Derek had wanted it. He’d wanted to know he could be more sexual with Russ than with Tim or anyone else.

Now, his hard cock penetrating Russ’s ass, Derek was feeling a little dizzy, as if he might pass out. It wasn’t fear, exactly. Or even nervousness. He didn’t feel anything, apart from the dizziness. But that was another symptom of anxiety he’d been dealing with lately. It seemed as if whenever he had a handle on his anxiety, it found another way to manifest.

He was beginning to go soft, so he slowly moved in and out, struggling to keep himself aroused. Russ moaned involuntarily, and his eyelids fluttered.

Yes! Keep doing that!

It was so hot to hear Russ make those sounds and to watch the pleasure wash over his handsome face. Derek felt the dizziness subside as he grew more aroused, his cock swelling and filling his lover’s ass.
Let me do this. Let me show you how much I love you….

“Oh God,” Russ gasped, and Derek felt his arousal as if it were pouring off him in waves, bathing Derek’s naked body. He wanted more. He wanted to make Russ feel all the tenderness Derek had for him, all the joy he felt at the mere sight of Russ’s face or naked body or the sound of his voice.

He probably didn’t have much finesse, at this point. It was June, almost three years from the time they’d first set eyes on each other, and almost as long since the last time he’d done this. He and Russ had grown creative with their hands and mouths in the meantime, but it wasn’t enough. Not for Derek.

He thrust into Russ, fighting the dark thoughts that swam in the back of his mind like eels.
This isn’t about Victor. This isn’t about Tim. This is about
Russ.

Derek brushed his lips against Russ’s, licked them, and nibbled them. Then he claimed Russ’s mouth with his own. Russ moaned and thrust his tongue deep into Derek’s mouth. That made Derek hesitate a moment, fighting back the urge to escape. But it passed quickly, and he returned the kiss passionately.

Yes.

Yes.

This is for you.

With one final, hard thrust, he buried himself deep into Russ’s ass and came in hot bursts, gasping in shuddering breaths. Russ frantically stroked himself to climax and erupted between their bodies, dousing Derek’s chest with his release.

“I love you,” Derek breathed, his cheek pressed against Russ’s.

“I love
you
.” After they’d cooled down a bit, Russ asked, “How was it?”

“Good. What about you?”

He chuckled. “It was great for me.” He kissed Derek and then said, “But you know what I meant.”

“I’m fine,” Derek answered. “There were some… moments when I wasn’t sure. But overall it was good.”

“Well, don’t feel you have to do it again any time soon. I just love being with you. It doesn’t matter what we do.”

It had taken a long time for Derek to grow comfortable just being naked together. And then touching each other had sort of evolved gradually. This was the first time he’d actually forced it. But it had gone well.

He slid out and stretched out on the bed beside Russ. “I’d like you to do me someday,” he said.

Russ’s eyes went wide. “Does Susan think that’s a good idea?”

It irked Derek to think he had to check all his sexual practices with his therapist first, but he understood Russ’s concerns. “No. But I don’t mean now, or even next month. Just… someday.” Russ frowned, but before he could say anything, Derek went on, “Look. I was raised to think letting a man fuck him was the worst thing a guy could ever do. I need to get over that.”

“Not today,” Russ said firmly.

Derek smiled and snuggled a little closer. “No. Not today.”

R
USS
FELT
good. It had felt amazing to have Derek fuck him, and the fact that he didn’t seem distressed over it was better still. But he didn’t need a dick up the ass to prove his boyfriend loved him, and he worried Derek might be pushing himself too hard. It had taken a long time to get to this point. There was no need to rush things. They had all the time in the world.

At the same time, he understood where Derek was coming from, at least a little bit. Between his psychotic stepfather and Victor—on top of his mother’s homophobia and all the übermasculine friends he and Victor had hung out with in high school—it had been embedded into his psyche that Men were Masculine. Anything that made them less masculine was Evil. And the thing at the top of that list—the most emasculating thing that could ever happen to a man—was being fucked “like a woman.”

It was all bullshit. And Derek knew it was bullshit. But his body wasn’t yet convinced, and he needed to prove it to himself. Unfortunately Victor had added another layer of fear on top of it.

So… not today. Maybe someday. Russ would be there for him when he was ready. But for now it was time to clean up and have some coffee.

The dogs were deliriously happy to see them emerge from the bedroom. It wasn’t insanely late in the morning, but still…. Pee time had been delayed.

Russ let them out the side door while Derek flipped the switch on the coffeemaker. Russ had finally trained him to set up the coffee the night before, so they wouldn’t have to fuck with it first thing in the morning while they were still groggy. A small victory. Over what, he wasn’t sure. Maybe it was just nice to know he was having an influence in Derek’s life.

He gazed back toward the kitchenette, where Derek was puttering around in the nude, taking mugs down from the cupboard and collecting half-and-half and sugar to put beside the coffeemaker. He was beautiful. Even with his hair mussed up from sleep and morning sex. Hell,
because
his hair was mussed up from sleep and morning sex!

It was wonderful to see him taking himself back, one step at a time. In one of their group counseling sessions, Susan had warned Russ that Derek would never be “over” what Victor had done to him. He would never forget it. It would never go away. It would always influence his feelings about sex, about men, about friends…. But he and Derek could still build a life together. They could still love each other. Russ just needed to let Derek heal in his own way, over the rest of his life.

Russ could and would do that. He’d love Derek with all of his heart, with every cell in his body, with his soul. And he’d accept the love Derek had for him, however it manifested. There were times when Derek still pushed him away and retreated into himself. Maybe there always would be. But they’d been learning to work around those times. Derek no longer demanded Russ leave the cabin when he wanted to be alone, and Russ no longer freaked out and called Susan when it happened—yes, he’d done that a couple times, until both Susan and Derek had told him to knock it off.

So they both had some growing to do. But that was good. It would keep things interesting.

A
FTER
D
EREK
brought Russ a mug of coffee, they went out on the back deck with the dogs to soak up some sunshine. They were both nude, and the cool air coming off the lake felt good as it caressed Derek’s body in intimate ways. He doubted he’d ever feel very comfortable in gym locker rooms and showers again, but the cabin and the back deck were safe. He’d gotten used to casual nudity with Russ. He’d learned to appreciate the beauty of Russ’s body and to like the fact that Russ appreciated his body in return.

“We need to buy a boat,” he said, looking out over the calm water of the lake.

They hadn’t been talking much in terms of “we” yet. They mostly lived in his cabin, but Russ still had his cabin. There wasn’t enough space in either cabin for everything they owned. But they’d sort it out someday. They’d already been gazing longingly at engagement rings and wedding packages, even if neither had quite dared pop the question yet. They both knew it was just a matter of time.

But they had time. Things moved slowly here on the lake. It was why Derek had bought the cabin to begin with—to give himself a refuge, a place where he could relax and de-stress. Victor had tried to ruin that, but he hadn’t, thank God. Because Officer Thomas had been on duty, and he still was.

“Okay,” Russ said. “What kind? A motorboat?”

“A canoe,” Derek replied. “Something quiet and peaceful. Something we can just drift in, if we want to, and nobody can bother us.”

Russ reached out and took his free hand in his. Derek didn’t flinch. It was familiar now, warm and comforting.

“That sounds wonderful,” Russ said.

J
AMIE
F
ESSENDEN
set out to be a writer in junior high school. He published a couple short pieces in his high school’s literary magazine and had another story place in the top 100 in a national contest, but it wasn’t until he met his partner, Erich, almost twenty years later, that he began writing again in earnest. With Erich alternately inspiring and goading him, Jamie wrote several screenplays and directed a few of them as micro-budget independent films. He then began writing novels and published his first novella in 2010.

After nine years together, Jamie and Erich have married and purchased a house together in the wilds of Raymond, New Hampshire, where there are no street lights, turkeys and deer wander through their yard, and coyotes serenade them on a nightly basis. Jamie recently left his “day job” as a tech support analyst to be a full-time writer.

Visit Jamie: http://jamiefessenden.wordpress.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jamie-Fessenden-Author/102004836534286

Twitter: https://twitter.com/JamieFessenden1

Kevin Derocher was thirty-two when he walked into Tom’s office, newly married, a baby on the way, and the collar of his red flannel shirt pulled up to hide the bruises around his throat from when he hanged himself in his garage. After his initial consult, therapist Tom Langois believes he’ll never see Kevin again—but Kevin turns up three years later to make repairs on Tom’s new house.