Virtue & Vanity (30 page)

“What about your childhood? Are there any interesting stories you’d care to share with me?” he spoke softly, disrupting my deep thoughts.

“There’s really not much to tell. My childhood wasn’t as exciting as yours. Because we were poor, we never went on family vacations and my mother was too strict to let us explore Rosemont and make friends when we were kids. But still, Ashley and I had a lot of fun playing. We used to drive our mother crazy.” I laughed, remembering how much fun I had with my sister.

“Do you miss Ashley?”

“I do,” I looked into the transparent clear water, “I miss her every day.” I smiled sadly.

“She can come to visit whenever you want. Your family is always welcome. You know that, right?”

“I’d choose my words more carefully if I were you. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to make a person like my mother feel too welcome in your house,” I said quietly.

“Our house,” he corrected. “Was she that bad?”

“She just wasn’t very... caring, I guess. She was never the motherly type.”

“What about your father? He seemed quite standoffish when he led you towards the altar.”

He’d noticed that?

“That was my uncle. My father died when I was little.” He gaped at me with a question mark over his head. “He was an alcoholic. Liver cirrhosis took him away,” I said with a lump in my throat.

“I’m sorry,” he paused and then looked at me as realization swept over him. “Is that why you avoid alcohol?”

“Yeah,” I admitted, feeling the murky clouds of the past settled above me.

Suddenly, I was struck by the memory of Sebastian’s commanding voice that had made me drink a glass full of whiskey, and tears surfaced in my eyes. I wanted to brush it off and make the flashbacks go away, but I couldn’t get a hold of myself. The last thing I wanted to do was to cry but I just couldn’t help it. I tried to look away but he knew. He knew what was on my mind and a tortured expression covered up his face as tears spilled from my eyes and he cursed almost inaudibly and then pulled me into his arms. I crumbled against him when he hugged me tightly and laid my head on his chest.

“Shh. Please don’t. Don’t cry.” he said in a soothing voice. “How can I take it away, princess? Tell me what to do.”

Princess?
That gentle term of endearment was enough to make my heart ache. I wanted to say so much. I wanted to lean closer to him and whisper the words that were stuck in my throat.
'I don’t want all this guilt and insecurity between us. I’m sad because we couldn’t have a nice start. I’m sorry because I can’t let go of the past when you’re trying so hard to push us forward. I forgive you, but I still need time to forget’
. Instead of that, as the memories kept barging in, pushing me further over the edge, I asked for the only thing I needed at that moment.

“Just hold me, please.”

And he did. He pressed me tightly against his chest and continued caressing me. It felt as though his hands were everywhere around me, causing the tingling sensations in the hidden depths of my very being. I closed my eyes as we were bathed in silence; the only sounds around us were the streaming of the restless water and the fast beating of his heart. He placed his hand in the palm of my hand entwining our fingers, and I felt like for the first time we were connected on a deeper, more meaningful level. Even though there was so much pain that was building the hard concrete walls between us, at that moment, we shared the feeling of peace and the sense of belonging to each other. With fragile tenderness, he placed my hand onto his beating heart and kissed the top of my head.

“It’s you, Isabelle. Only you can make my heart beat out of my chest,” he whispered in a voice filled with powerful emotion, and as I felt the rhythm of his heart on the palm of my hand, my own heart started beating in accord.

It felt like a wave of rushing water swept over me and made me feel something I’d never felt before. A ray of sun hit my face and I took in a deep breath allowing myself to be taken away by the heat of the moment. Deep down, I knew that it would never be like this again. What I felt was a once in a life time thing, sacred and special. We remained laying in each other’s arms peacefully until the sun was ready to set. Together, we watched as the firing ball faded away from the sky, bathing us in the darkness until its light was replaced by the glowing brightness of the full moon. As we were illuminated by the moonlight, we stared at each other, feeling the drawing force. His fingers traced the soft skin of my cheek and he seemed to have broken down under the pressure.

“I want to stay away, but I can’t,” he said in a soft voice and his lips grazed against mine.

My eyes snapped open and locked with his gaze in intensity. We were breathing in the same rhythm, our bodies wanting more. Of their own accord, my lips parted, trembling against his; pleading him to deepen the kiss. The green eyes that used to terrify me, sparkled with light and warmth that now gave me solace and hope. Visibly fighting the strong sensations, he took in a heavy breath and moved away from me. He smiled while I looked at him in confusion.

“I’m still not worthy of you, angel,” he whispered. “But one day I will be. And when that day comes, I’ll give you the moon and the stars together with my heart.” He kissed the back of my hand and squeezed it between his hands.

I couldn’t fight the emotion anymore and I looked at him with tears in my eyes.

“Sebastian, I forgive you. I forgive you and whatever it is I... I feel it too.” I touched his face when he started wiping away my tears. “Don’t,” I whispered. “Don’t. They’re not those kinds of tears.”

He gazed at me as realization built in his eyes and he came closer to me again, leaning his forehead on mine. We were at a loss of words, carried away with each other. Slowly, he pulled me tighter and tighter in his embrace like he never wanted to let go and when he looked at me again, I noticed the sparkling glow of tears in his eyes. It hurt me to see him in pain and I reached over to wipe away the dampness that was about to spill on his cheeks, but his hand stopped me.

“No, Isabelle. They’re not those kinds of tears.” He smiled as they spilled from his eyes and I knew that he lied to me because there was a mixture of emotions in his stare, the strongest of which was pain.

So, I wiped them away anyway and I kissed his forehead, just like he had kissed mine. I gave him my comfort and with it, I irrevocably handed him a piece of my heart which fell into a bigger puzzle I had yet to piece together. I fell asleep on his chest and for the first time I cared. I cared about him. And I wasn’t scared or confused. It felt right. It felt safe.

I drifted away into sleep with a light smile on my face and after some time, I was awoken by a soft breath blowing on my face. I opened my eyes and saw Sebastian looking down at me with a tender light gleaming from his stare.

“It’s getting late. We should head back.”

I nodded reluctantly and he helped me get up on my feet. We walked to the house in silence, but there was nothing unpleasant about it. It didn’t matter because no words could describe the feelings inside us. I needed time to think and process. Both of us needed time to let the experience of the day sink in. As we walked up the squeaky stairs, we only glanced at each other before our ways parted and we headed to our rooms.

“Good night, princess,” he whispered after me, probably thinking that I wouldn’t hear him.

I stopped walking.
Princess.
Something warmed around my heart when I heard him say that again and I felt beautiful, flustered, like I belonged. That rush that took hold of me earlier returned and my heart skipped a beat. With reluctant slowness, I turned around and we faced each other in semi-darkness. This unknown force was pulling us together so strongly that we didn’t even blink as we stared. It was hard to deal with the flood of emotions. It was hard to breathe.

“Good night, Sebastian,” I barely managed to say and hurried towards my room while Sebastian remained frozen in place, staring after me.

I closed the door of the room and tried to get my breathing back to normal. I had to calm down because I couldn’t let things escalate between us. I felt it with everything in me, but I needed more time. I wasn’t ready.
Was I?
I tried to rationalize everything that was going through my mind and brush it off by diminishing its significance, but the result of my effort was achieving exactly the opposite. The more I fought, the more I felt and yearned. I was like Eve, desiring the forbidden fruit, even though, now more than ever, I was fully aware of its probable danger.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Sleeping was a hard, almost impossible mission that night. Apart from Sebastian’s image that suddenly wouldn’t stop dancing in front of my eyes, the murky atmosphere of the room I was settled in gave me the creeps. Although I tried to make myself feel comfortable, I just couldn’t. I was even afraid to turn off the lights. It was ridiculous. After a while, I managed to go to sleep, but I ended up having a scary dream about seeing a ghost of that man from the painting and I woke up in sweat because it was so hot that the oxygen was simply unavailable to breathe. The mixture of fear of staying in that room after my scary dream and the fact that I was almost suffocating from the lack of air encouraged me to go outside. That way, I could get some fresh air and try to settle my thoughts at the same time.

The extent of my ridiculous and childish behavior, triggered by my irrational fears of the house, became even more obvious when I stepped into the dark hallway and heard the cracking sound of the old wooden floor. The scream that left my throat lasted only a second and I was almost certain that Sebastian would rush out of his room any moment, but after the echo of my voice subsided, silence reigned the house again and I was relieved that he didn’t wake up. In the slowest pace I could produce, I descended the stairs, trying my best not to make a sound, but getting to the ground floor quietly was a hopeless task. A victorious smile appeared on my face when I got to the terrace and there was no sign of Sebastian. Still, even though I longed for the moment of uninterrupted loneliness, the silliest part was that I kind of secretly hoped I actually would wake him up.
What the hell was wrong with me?

The mild summer breeze grazed my skin and I breathed deeply, taking the fresh, uncorrupted taste of air inside my lungs. My eyes darted towards the bright sky where I’d seen the moon hugged by hundreds, if not thousands of stars. Standing under that live magical exposition made me feel at ease. It seemed like I was staring at the night sky forever, counting the stars and guessing different shapes they formed. It was something I used to do a lot when I was a little girl. I would sneak out in the night, when everybody was asleep and I would just stare at the beauty of the night, dreaming of doing something big and meaningful when I grew up. Sadness settled in me when I remembered my dreams and hopes as a child. None of them came true. At that moment, when I was feeling a bit depressed, I noticed a glimmering light descending from the sky.
A falling star.
I closed my eyes, remembering how I had once seen a falling star when I was a little girl. The excitement I felt back then replayed in my memory and I thought about the wish I had made. I remembered the exact same words of a little girl in Rosemont who had dreamed of finding happiness.
Dear star, I’m sorry you have to die, but before you do, please grant me one wish. I read a story about a prince and princess and I liked it a lot. Please give me my Prince Charming when I grow up. I promise I don’t need a white horse... or a castle... Just make my wish come true.
Suddenly, I was startled by arms that gently hugged me around my waist and I winced from shock.

“Make a wish, princess.” Sebastian’s soft whisper brought about the immediate peace inside me.

My eyes snapped open and I exhaled in surprise, unable to speak.
This couldn’t have just happen, could it?

“And? Did you make your wish?” he whispered even softer in my ear and it caused me to breathe in small pants.

As I slowly shook my head, fearing that uttering a single sound would uncover my state of mind, Sebastian smiled against the nape of my neck and it did something to me. It made me feel...
happy
?

Reluctantly, he released me from his embrace and came to stand next to me, leaning on the small iron fence. His eyes closed for a brief moment, and once he opened them the moonlight brightened their green depths, uncovering the miraculous peace that started radiating from his gaze. Looking at him was intense, almost unbearable. I was like Icarus, getting too close to the sun, knowing that it would burn me. To save myself from drowning in my own uneasiness, I did the only thing I could; I looked away from him and focused on the night sky once again.

“Too late, princess,” he said playfully, causing my eyes to give him their full attention once again. “I already stole your wish.”

I gaped at him, eyes wide open, unable to breathe again. “What did you wish for?”

He shook his head. “If I tell you, it won’t come true. And the only thing that matters to me right now is to turn that wish into reality.”

I smiled. He was being so silly. “That’s some real businessman talk right there. I wonder what your associates would say if they heard you now,” I teased him and he chuckled, but soon his smile was replaced by a serious expression.

“I don’t care what they would say. The only opinion I value is yours, Isabelle. I’ll say whatever it takes to draw a smile on that lovely face.” There was harsh honesty ringing from his voice; the undeniable truth that, once again, left me speechless.

Make him cherish you
. Helen’s almost forgotten words sprang to my mind again.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up. I tried to be quiet, but it was impossible.” I was in a desperate need to change the subject.

“I was already awake.” His expression turned hundred shades lighter. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Neither could I,” I said in one breath, once again caught into the web tangled by the mesmerized beauty of his eyes.

“Bad dream?” He asked in a silent, almost humble voice like he already knew the answer to his question.

I nodded, regretting it when I saw a layer of guilt settle all over his features. It was so obvious that he was being vulnerable in front of me, uncovering himself and his flaws. Never did I ever think that I would see the day when I would witness what I was just witnessing. Somehow, the tables had turned and now I was the one comforting him. He had given me the power to become stronger, but the sacrifice for it was his own weakness.

“Sebastian...” I started, but my cheeks blushed knowing what I would say. Still, even though I felt uneasy, I knew I had to say it. “I haven’t dreamt about... about that night. As a matter of fact, I haven’t dreamt about it in a while.”

He looked at me with light relief and some of the tension left his system. He hugged me gently, paying attention that his arms only brushed against my body, not pressing into me.

“I don’t ever want you to dream about it again,” he said brokenly.

“I won’t,” I said with a pinch of uncertainty, smiling and he returned my smile, laying a tender kiss on my temple.

He took a step back and gazed at my widened eyes. His pupils dilated under the moonlight and lit up with a spark of fire that burned its way to my fragile heart.

“I promise there will be no more nightmares, Isabelle. I won’t betray your trust. One day...” He looked at me tenderly. “One day I’m going to show you how it’s supposed to be.”

In an instant, his words left me paralyzed. I truly forgave him for what he had done to me, but the thought of us being intimate continued to make me uneasy. It was a step I still wasn’t ready to take.

“That’s what you wished for, isn’t it?” I asked in a small voice and looked at him with regret, wishing that it would have been easier for me to cross the boundaries that still kept me away from him. His remitting silence was all the answer I needed. “Sebastian... I’m sorry but I still...” I fought not to break down. “I still can’t,” I said in one harsh breath.

He caressed my cheek, bringing some calm to the storm in my mind. “It’s okay, Isabelle. I don’t expect you to.” He tilted up my chin. “Don’t say you’re sorry. We’ll take it slow. Baby steps slow,” he whispered, sending electric shivers down my skin from head to toe.

Everything he said sounded so beautiful. I could almost reach it, but the very idea of being naked in front of him, let alone sleeping with him, still scared me. No matter how much I wished for it, I still wasn’t ready.

“I wish ...” I started saying in a tortured voice.

“Shh,” he silenced my troubled rumbling. “Everything will fall into place. We will be happy.”

“How can you be so sure?” I asked in a whisper, patiently waiting for his reply, but he didn’t say anything, he just smiled and looked towards the sky.

My eyes followed his and as we both observed the same fraction of the glitter in the dark, the image of the falling star returned to my mind. If I could have one wish, I knew what it would be. All those years had passed by since I was a little girl, but I still yearned for the same. Glancing towards Sebastian who suddenly held his deep emerald gaze on my face, I wondered if we could be happy with all the obstacles that stood on our way and made everything so hard. If he was my Prince Charming, the man I was supposed to end up with, wasn’t it supposed to be easier than this? I knew the answer to my question because I’d learned it the hard way. There are different kinds of love and not every one of them is a fairytale.

“You know, when I was a little boy,” he started telling another one of his childhood stories and it disrupted the thoughts that kept barging into my head, “I used to sneak out at night to look at the stars.” My heart started beating loudly when I heard him say that. “I wondered if anyone else was secretly awake, staring at the night sky and I tried to imagine how it looked like from that person’s view.” I gasped in shock. I did that too. “Once, I saw a falling star. The same like the one tonight.” I swallowed loudly. “And I wondered if that other person could see it as well. Then I thought about the possibility that we made a wish at the same time and I asked myself if both of them would come true.” His eyes sparked with glowing clarity. “Mine did.” He smiled. “Do you want to know what I wished for?”

I nodded my head, looking at him expectantly.

“I wished for an angel.” His whisper broke the sound barrier between us and I shivered from the vibration of his soft voice. “For so long, I waited for someone to break the darkness around me and then you appeared in my life.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. After a long break, he spoke again. “God has given me an angel and I shattered her to pieces,” he said in a tormented voice and opened his eyes, slowly taking in the contours of my face. “How could I have believed you were after the dark when you brought so much light into my life?”

That last sentence caused me to try to see things from his point of view and somehow I understood what had driven him to hurt me. Wrong perceptions can lead a man astray, but acting under the influence of hurt and rage can only produce more pain. And I wanted the pain to stop.

“Sebastian, please.” I looked at him, pleading. “Stop torturing yourself.” I said in a quiet voice.

A light wind blew a few locks of hair on my face and he removed them with a soft caress, letting his fingers slide down to my shoulder where he kept his stare.

“You’re too kind, Isabelle. I don’t deserve you,” he said brokenly. “But I’m too selfish to let you go.”

Touched by his admission, I brushed my hand along his cheek and waited for him to look at me. When his eyes sprang to mine in an instant, I got carried away by the reflection of the moonlight in them. “Hold me, then. Don’t let me go.” I spoke in a mild voice and instantly felt his arms wrap around me.

He pulled me into a soothing embrace and we didn’t speak anymore. We just lay under the illuminating wonder that twinkled around the moon and stared at it in awe like we were two lost pieces of the same puzzle that were finally joined together.

As the wind became stronger and my body trembled from the cold, Sebastian hugged me tighter and kept me warm with his own body. The tender memory of his gesture was already engraved in my mind and I wanted for the warmth he provided to never end. However, my wish was declined when he moved away from me.

“It’s getting cold. We should go inside,” he said softly.

With everything in me, I wanted to prolong our time, but I knew he was right so I just nodded and followed his lead inside the house. My eyes darted towards the big pianoforte in the living space area and before my brain even got the chance to process what I was about to say, I said it.

“Will you play for me, Sebastian?” I blurted out, admiring the beautiful instrument in front of us.

He looked at me like he was about to dismiss my request because he thought I needed to go to sleep, but I interrupted him before he got a chance to say anything.

“Please.” I gave him a pleading look. “I don’t want to go to sleep. That room scares me. It gives me nightmares,” I admitted, openly acting like a child.

Sebastian smirked and shook his head, considering my proposition. “What am I going to do with you, Isabelle?” He laughed for a while and then suddenly turned serious. “I’ll play for you, princess.” His tender gaze settled on my eyes. “But you should know that I don’t play for free,” he said in a playful voice.

“No?” I breathed.

“No.” He shook his head. “My performances are really special and extremely expensive.” Something lit up in his eyes and I gulped from the unknown excitement that rushed through me.

“It’s a shame then, because I can’t afford them,” I said quietly and he smiled.

“Oh, but you can.” He came closer. “You have a very valuable currency I happen to gladly accept.”

“W-Which currency?” I asked in a confused voice and Sebastian snickered.