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Sleep never came easy. Tonight was no different. The nightmares plagued me off and on, and I woke too many times to count; the same image in my mind. My brothers, my friends, the men that risked their lives for me every day and whom I risked mine for ... they all surrounded me. But they weren't the smiling, laughing group I had come to know before that day. They were all dead, bloodied and broken. And I was left standing there, unable to close my eyes and block out the pain. I looked down at my body to see my flesh on fire, feel the blood running down my face. I saw my leg bent awkwardly in several places. Then I screamed, knowing I couldn't get to any of them. Knowing I couldn't help them.

That's when I woke up and forced myself to stay awake.

***

"I'm hiring a nurse."

I almost choked on the shitty oatmeal I had insisted on making for myself. Mom wasn't one to drop bombs before saying, 'Hello, sweetie. How are you feeling today?' No, she was officially done, and I only had myself to blame. It was two days since the blow up with my mother. She'd barely said two words to me in all the time she was here. She stopped staying the night, though, so I figured she was still upset that she actually lost that battle.

"You what?"

"I'm hiring a nurse to come help you. I've tried. You don't want me here, which hurts, but I can deal with it. I don't know what you're going through, and I can't pretend to know, but I can distance myself enough to let you deal. I'm hiring a professional to come and help you get cleaned up, take your meds, help with your therapy, and teach you how to adjust."

"I don't need a–"

"I don't care, Merrick. It's happening and I swear to God if you treat her badly, I will be back here wiping your ass and coddling you the very next day."

Well, she had me there.

"Her?"

"Yes, her. Homecare just took on a new nurse and I'm hiring her to come here."

"Who is it?"

"I haven't spoken with her, yet, but I have no doubt she will be able to handle you."

Handle me
? Well, I guess she had me there, too.

"Micah is coming by in a few minutes to stay with you. I'm going to go interview the nurse and, if all goes well, she will be starting tomorrow."

I wanted to scream that Micah was the last person I wanted to see, but he was better than Mary and Mitch. My older sister and youngest brother could be annoying as hell, and they relished the idea of pissing me off. Especially since I'd done nothing but bitch and complain since I had gotten home. Their visits became less and less frequent, including Micah's. But he and I were always the closest, and I had a little hope that he would know to leave me the hell alone today.

"He was working the ER last night so go easy on him. Okay, Merrick?"

"Yeah," I grunted, digging back into my oatmeal. God, I sucked at cooking. If I couldn't make oatmeal taste like food, I was screwed.

I pushed the bowl of mush away from me and attempted to turn my chair toward the hallway. I missed it by inches and crashed into the wall. Mom didn't even hesitate. I felt her grab hold of the handles behind me and turn me before guiding my chair to my room. She wasn't going to let me go without a fight and, for the sake of my sanity the love she had for her second child, I would have to comply.

"You're getting in the shower."

"Mom, I don't want you to hurt yourself."

"You say that every time," she snapped and helped me take off my shirt. "I haven't hurt myself once. You may think you're a tough soldier, but you are still my boy. I don't care how heavy you are, I will always be able to lift my boy."

Mom was just tossing me left and right today. How many times would she put me in my place before Micah showed up?

A shower that should have taken five minutes, took thirty. I tried to dress myself, but it was no use. My hand ached, my leg throbbed, and my entire body felt like it was on fire.

"Did you take any medication this morning?" Mom asked.

I was suddenly grateful that looking her in the eye was
not
an option.

"I don't need it."

"You do."

It was the shake of a pill bottle that signaled my doom. Before I could argue, she had shoved them in my mouth and forced me to drink water. I hated the pills. I hated the heavy feeling, the numbness. And they made me groggy. It was uncomfortable to sleep in my chair, but when I took the pain meds, it's where I ended up. I wouldn't have the strength to get into bed.

"Right. I'm going to make you boys some sandwiches before I leave. I'm putting you by the window. It's opened."

The way she said it ... it was mischievous. Like she knew something I didn't, which grated on my nerves. Blindness was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me because I hated not knowing what something looked like or what was happening around me.

I'd always been that way, but after the things I saw during my tour, it became pure instinct. A need that I could no longer access.

I sat and brooded for a long time before I felt the pain meds kick in. They took longer and longer to work each time. It only made me hate them more.

My ears picked up the sound of movement on my right, the side the window was on. Mom had at least thought about that in her haste to leave me alone. My right side looked normal while the left side of my face looked ...

Fuck, I had no idea what it looked like or how many scars covered my cheek and jaw. All I knew was that my skin didn't feel like skin and my eyes didn't feel like they were even in my head anymore.

I heard it then. Her voice. It was sexy and smoky, and I could only imagine what kind of face came with a voice like that. She was only humming. The melody was familiar, but I couldn't place it. Not until she started singing and I realized how badly I needed to hear her after only one time.

"Somebody's Heine'

is crowdin' my ice box

Somebody's cold one

Is givin' me chills

Guess I'll just close my eyes.

Oh yeah

Alright

Feels good

Inside."

God damn. Those words, in that voice.

How long had it been since I felt any movement down there? A long damn time. If only I could remember her face. I'm sure I saw her plenty over the years. Weezer was one of my favorite bands back in the day and for her to know that, well, I guess that just means she had seen
me
plenty, too. The fact that I even considered she was singing just for me showed how much of a dumbass I truly was.

"Say it ain't so

Your drug is a heartbreaker

Say it ain't so

My love is a lifetaker."

I closed my eyes and just listened, not even thinking about seeing. The way she sang the song, one that normally sounded strange; she made it sound like a fucking prayer. She slowed the melody to a pace that could only be considered a love song. And the way her voice hit the notes, as if the song had been written for her voice alone. Damn. It was phenomenal.

Peace.

I felt calm, sitting there listening to Grace Samuelson sing.

I felt like nothing else mattered, except listening to her voice caress each note, each word. It was serenity.

"Say it ain't so

Your drug is a heartbreaker

Say it ain't so."

"Merrick! Can you hear me?"

I pointlessly turned my head, expecting to see my brother's face, but still only seeing blackness. Grace's singing abruptly stopped, and I knew I was caught. I didn't even know if the blinds were open as I shamelessly eavesdropped on her quiet moment.

I clenched my fists, embarrassed that Micah had basically ratted me out. "I can hear better than you think, Micah."

"I've been calling for you since I got here and when I walked in here, you looked like you were sleeping. You were so still. Had to make sure you were alive."

"Asshole."

Micah laughed, which made me want to laugh with him, but I didn't. I couldn't.

"Come on, man. Mom made some killer sandwiches."

I maneuvered my chair with one hand and my good leg, then rolled myself around my bed.

"Hey, isn't that Grace?"

I stopped and hoped he could see the glare I was supposedly sending his way.

"Hi, Grace. How you doin'?"

Closing my eyes didn't hide me, but I still hoped my brother was just playing with me.

"Micah Thatcher. I'm doing well. How are you?"

"Can't complain," my brother called a little loudly, making me flinch away. "I heard you were back in town."

"Yeah, for a while."

"We'll have to get together sometime and catch up."

"I'd like that, Micah."

I could hear the smile in her voice, and I instantly hated my brother. All she would have to do is look at me and her smile would be wiped away. The only chance I had with her was listening to her sing.

A chance with her? What the hell, Merrick?

"I'm hungry, Micah, so get out of my way."

I heard my brother sigh and felt his body move to the side of me. Without pausing, I rolled my way into the hallway, away from their voices. Micah was asking about something to do with the hospital and I shook my head. He needed to work on his flirting skills. He was at work all the time. Couldn't he just leave it there?

My bitterness only heightened by the time lunch was finished. Micah went on and on about Mary and Mitch, telling me what they were up to, that they said 'Hi', and they were worried about me. I stayed quiet and ignored the information, pretending not to hear his questions. Once I took my last bite of the delicious sandwich Mom made, I rolled away from the kitchen and placed myself at the window that looked out into the backyard.

At least, I hoped that was where I was.

There was no point in placing myself anywhere because the view was always the same, but Micah took the hint and left me alone the rest of the day. He only showed up in front of me to help with something I should have been able to do myself. I'm pretty sure he took a nice long nap, too.

No nightmares to wake him and no pain to make him suffer. But he left me alone and that's exactly what I wanted.

I was bored, groggy, and in pain. Wishing for sleep and dreading it all at once. By the time Micah left, Mom had returned and was helping me get ready for bed. She hummed to herself as she guided my injured arm out of the sleeve of my shirt. Hell, I could have been wearing pink all day and never known.

"The nurse is going to be here bright and early, Merrick. She's wonderful and I know you'll like her."

"What's her name?" I asked, suddenly curious about the woman my mother was going to trust her son not to kill. I completely ignored the voice in my head telling me why names were suddenly important now.

"Oh, I don't think you know her that well. I'll introduce you tomorrow and show her around. You better behave or I'll tell her where your guns are hidden."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. The ache I felt each time I moved them was there, but it had dulled and the medication almost made it non-existent. Now, it just felt like holes in my head that throbbed on occasion.

"I spoke with Dr. Hopkins. He wants to see you next week and check your hardware. I scheduled it for the late morning."

"Sounds good, Mom."

I felt her flinch and knew she was shocked to hear me agree with her instead of argue. She didn't rub it in, and I was glad I couldn't see her face. She would have tears in her eyes, I just knew it.

Instead of acknowledging my acquiescence, she helped me into bed. I tried to relax as she fed me another dose of pain medication, but everything inside me wanted to slap them away.

"I'll see you in the morning. Cell phone is on the night stand and plugged in. There's a glass of water as well. I know you'll be fine, Merrick, but I'm your mother and I still worry, so please call me if you need anything."

"I will, Mom."

I was too exhausted to be angry, too drugged up to frown. All I could do was lie there and listen to my mother lock up before she climbed into her car and drove away.

I didn't sleep. In fact, with how tired I was, I was surprised I hadn't already fallen asleep and woken up to my nightmares. I tried to adjust my position and groaned when the throb in my leg morphed into a stabbing pain. I shifted again, sighing. Guess I would just be staring into nothing tonight like I did every night I laid awake.

I heard a rustle near the window and my body tensed. Was someone trying to break in? My pulse raced and my ears perked. Every muscle in my body stayed perfectly still, controlled, waiting for another sound. Waiting for an explosion or the raspy whistle of a mortar. The same sounds that haunted me in my dreams.

Then, as if a splash of cold water hit me in the face, I remembered. I was useless if there was a break in, so what the hell? Let them take everything and leave me in peace.

Another rustle and a feminine sigh.

Grace.

She started to hum, her husky voice reaching my ears as clearly as if she were right beside me. My imagination wandered. I could almost picture a beautiful woman lying next to me, playing with my hair or running her fingers over my chest. Blood slowly made its way down my body until I was at half mast. Grace continued to hum.

This is so wrong, Merrick.

It wasn't long before she stopped humming and took a deep breath. The silence almost made the pain worse, and the medication seemed to be fading faster than ever before. If I didn't fall asleep soon, I would be awake until the nurse showed up. Then, who knows what I would do?

"It feels like a Weezer kind of night, don't you think?"

She was talking to me, but I didn't reply. I would only say something stupid or rude when she was only trying to help me.

I knew that, deep down in my broken bones.

"I am terrified of all things

Frightened of the dark.

I am.

You are taller than a mountain.