Volpone and Other Plays (39 page)

FACE
:                                        Anything whatever.

You cannot think that subtlety but he reads it.

He made me a Captain. I was a stark pimp,

Just o' your standing, ' fore I met with him;

It's not two months since. I'll tell you his method:

First, he will enter you at some
ordinary
.

KASTRIL
: No, I'll not come there; you shall pardon me.

FACE
: For why, sir?

KASTRIL
:                 There's gaming there, and tricks.

FACE
:                                                                 Why, would you be

        A gallant, and not game?

KASTRIL:                                 Ay,'twill spend a man.

50    
FACE
: Spend you! it will repair you when you are spent.

How do they live by their wits there, that have vented

Six times your fortunes?

KASTRIL
:                              What, three thousand a year!

FACE
: Ay, Forty thousand.

KASTRIL
:                             Are there such?

FACE
:                             Ay, sir,

And gallants yet. Here's a young gentleman

Is born to nothing– forty marks a year,

Which I count nothing – he's to be initiated,

And have a
fly
o' the Doctor. He will win you

By unresistible luck, within this fortnight,

60      
Enough to buy a barony. They will set him

Upmost, at the
.groom-porter's
, all the Christmas!

And for the whole year through at every place

Where there is play, present him with the chair,

The best attendance, the best drink, sometimes

Two glasses of Canary, and pay nothing;

The purest linen and the sharpest knife,

The partridge next his trencher, and somewhere

The dainty bed, in private, with the dainty.

You shall ha' your ordinaries bid for him,

70      As playhouses for a poet; and the master

Pray him aloud to name what dish he affects,

Which must be buttered shrimps; and those that drink

To no mouth else, will drink to his, as being

The goodly president-mouth of all the board.

KASTRIL
: Do you not gull one?

FACE
:                                    'Ods my life! Do you think it?

You shall have a
cast
commander, (can but get

In credit with a glover, or a spurrier,

For some two pair of either's ware aforehand)

Will, by most swift posts, dealing with him,

80      Arrive at competent means to keep himself,

His punk, and naked boy, in excellent fashion,

And be admired for 't.

KASTRIL
:                                Will the Doctor teach this?

FACE
:He will do more, sir. when your land is gone,

(As men of spirit hate to keep earth long),

In a
vacation
, when small money is stirring,

And ordinaries suspended till the term,

He'll show
a perspective
, where on one side

You shall behold the faces and the persons

Of all sufficient young heirs in town,

90      
Whose bonds are current for commodity;

On th' other side, the merchants' forms, and others,

That without help of any second broker,

Who would expect a share, will trust such parcels;

In the third square, the very street and sign

Where the commodity dwells, and does but wait

To be delivered, be it pepper, soap,

Hops, or tobacco, oatmeal,
woad
, or cheeses.

All which you may so handle, to enjoy

To your own use, and never stand obliged.

KASTRIL
: I' faith! is he such a fellow?

100        
FACE
:                                                      Why, nab here knows him.

And then for making matches for rich widows,

Young gentlewomen, heirs, the fortunat'st man!

He's sent to, far and near, all over England,

To have his counsel, and to know their fortunes.

KASTRIL
: God's will, my suster shall see him.

FACE
:                                                                           I'll tell You, sir,

What he did tell me of Nab. It's a strange thing

(By the way, you must eat no cheese, Nab, it breeds melancholy, And that same melancholy breeds worms) but pass it –He told me honest Nab here was ne'er at tavern But once in's life.

110        
DRUGGER
:                                                      Truth, and no more I was not.

FACE
: And then he was so sick –

DRUGGER
:                                     Could he tell you that too?

FACE
: How should I know it?

DRUGGER
:In troth, we had been a-shooting,

And had a piece of fat ram-mutton to supper,

That lay so heavy o' my stomach –

FACE
:                                                   And he has no head

To bear any wine; for, what with the noise o' the fiddlers,

And care of his shop, for he dares keep no servants –

DRUGGER
: My head did so ache –

FACE
:                                          As he was fain to be brought home.

The Doctor told me. And then a good old woman –

DRUGGER
: Yes, faith, she dwells in seacoal lane, – did cure me,

120        
With sodden ale, and
pellitory
o' the wall –

Cost me but twopence. I had another sickness

Was worse than that.

FACE
:                                     Ay, that was with the grief

Thou took'st for being '
cessed
at eighteenpence For the waterwork.

DRUGGES
:                                     In truth, and it was like

T' have cost me almost my life.

FACE
:                                                   Thy hair went off?

DRUGGER
: Yes, sir; 'twas done for spite.

FACE
:                                                                 Nay, so says the Doctor.

KASTRIL
: Pray thee, tobacco-boy, go fetch my suster.

I'll see this learneèd boy before I go;

And so shall she.

FACE
:                            Sir, he is busy now,

130    But if you have a sister to fetch hither,

Perhaps your own pains may command her sooner;

And he by that time will be free.

KASTRIL
:                                                   I go.

[
Exit
]

FACE
: Drugger, she's thine! The damask!

[
Exit
ABEL.]

[
Aside
]                                                Subtle and I

Must wrestle for her. – Come on, Master Dapper,

You see how I turn clients here away,

To give your cause dispatch. Ha' you performed

The ceremonies were enjoined you?

DAPPER
:                                                           Yes, o' the vinegar,

And the clean shirt.

FACE
:                              'Tis well; that shirt may do you

More worship than you think. Your aunt's afire,

140    But that she will not show it, t' have a sight on you.

Ha' you provided for her Grace's servants?

DAPPER
: Yes, here are six score Edward shillings.

FACE
:                                                                                        Good!

DAPPER
: And an old harry's sovereign.

FACE
:                                                                     Very good!

DAPPER
: And three james shillings, and an Elizabeth groat, Just twenty nobles.

FACE
:                                                 O, you are too just.

I would you had had the other noble in Maries.

DAPPER
: I have some Philip and Maries.

FACE
:                                                                     Ay, those same

Are best of all. Where are they? Hark, the Doctor.

III,V    [
Enter
] SUBTLE,
disguised like a Priest of Faery
.

[SUBTLE,
in an assumed voice
:] Is yet her Grace's cousin come?

FACE
:                                                                                                   He is come.

SUBTLE
: And is he fasting?

FACE
:                                        Yes.

SUBTLE
:                                            And hath cried ‘hum'?

FACE
: Thrice, you must answer.

DAPPER
:                                                 Thrice.

SUBTLE
:                                                                 And as oft ' buzz'?

FACE
: If you have, say.

DAPPER
:                             I have.

SUBTLE
:                                             Then, to her coz,

Hoping that he hath vinegared his senses,

As he was bid, the Faery Queen dispenses,

By me, this robe, the petticoat of Fortune;

Which that he straight put on, she doth importune.

And though to Fortune near be her petticoat,

10      Yet nearer is her smock, the Queen doth note,

And therefore, even of that a piece she hath sent,

Which, being a child, to wrap him in was rent;

And prays him for a scarf he now will wear it,

With as much love as then her Grace did tear it,

About his eyes, to show he is fortunate;

       
They blind [-fold] him with a rag
.

And, trusting unto her to make his state,

He'll throw away all worldly pelf about him;

Which that he will perform, she doth not doubt him.

FACE
: She need not doubt him, sir. Alas, he has nothing

20      
But what he will part withal as willingly,

Upon her Grace's word – Throw away your purse –

As she would ask it – Handkerchiefs and all –

       
He throws away, as they bid him
.

She cannot bid that thing but he'll obey. –

If you have a ring about you, cast it off,

Or a silver seal at your wrist. Her Grace will send

Her fairies here to search you, therefore deal

Directly
with her Highness. If they find

That you conceal a mite, you are undone.

DAPPER
: Truly, there's all

FACE
:                                       All what?

DAPPER
:                                                 My money, truly.

30   
FACE
: Keep nothing that is transitory about you.

[
Aside to
SUBTLE] Bid dol play music.-look, the elves are come Dol
enters with a
cittern
.

To pinch you, if you tell not truth. Advise you.

       
They pinch him
.

DAPPER
: O! I have a paper with a
spur-royal
in't.

FACE
:                                                                                         
Ti, ti
.

They knew't, they say.