Volpone and Other Plays (43 page)
Read Volpone and Other Plays Online
Authors: Ben Jonson
You shall in faith, my scurvy baboon Don,
Be curried, clawed, and flawed, and
tawed
, indeed. 100
I will the heartilier go about it now,
And make the widow a punk so much the sooner,
To be revenged on this impetuous Face:
The quickly doing of it is the grace.
   [
Exeunt
SUBTLE
and
SURLY
.]
SCENE TWO
]
   [
Another room in Lovewit's house
.]
   [
Re-enter
FACE
,
accompanied by
KASTRIL
and his sister
,
DAMB PLIANT
.]
[
FACE:
] Come, lady. [
To
KASTRIL
] I knew the Doctor would not leave
Till he had found the very nick of her fortune.
KASTRIL
: To be a countess, say you?
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â A Spanish countess, sir.
DAMB PLIANT
: Why, is that better than an English countess?
FACE
: Better! 'Slight, make you that a question, lady?
KASTRIL
: Nay, she is a fool, Captain, you must pardon her.
FACE
: Ask him from your courtier to your inns-of-court-man,
To your mere milliner. They will tell you all,
Your Spanish jennet is the best horse; your Spanish
Stoop is the best
garb
; your Spanish beard
Is the best cut; youi Spanish ruffs are the best
Wear; your Spanish pavan the best dance;
Your Spanish titillation in a glove
The best perfume; and for your Spanish pike
And Spanish blade, let your poor Captain speak. â
Here comes the Doctor.
   [
Enter
SUBTLE
with a paper
.]
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My most honoured lady,
For so I am now to style you, having found
By this my
scheme
, you are to undergo
An honourable fortune very shortly,
20Â Â Â Â Â What will you say now, if some â
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I ha' told her all, sir,
And her right worshipful brother here, that she shall be
A countess â do not delay 'em, sir â a Spanish countess.
SUBTLE
: Still, my scarce-worshipful Captain, you can keep
No secret! Well, since he has told you, madam,
Do you forgive him, and I do.
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â She shall do that, sir;
I'll look to't; 'tis my charge.
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Well, then, nought rests
But that she fit her love now to her fortune.
DAME PLIANT
: Truly I shall never brook a Spaniard.
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â No?
DAME PLIANT
: Never sin'
eighty-eight
could I abide 'em,
30Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And that was some three year afore I was born, in truth.
SUBTLE
: Come, you must love him, or be miserable;
Choose which you will.
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â By this good rush, persuade her.
She will
cry
strawberries else within this twelvemonth.
SUBTLE
: Nay, shads and mackerel, which is worse.
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Indeed, sir!
KASTRIL
: God's lid, you shall love him, or I'll kick you.
DAME PLIANT
: Why,
I'll do as you will ha' me, brother.
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Do,
Or by this hand I'll maul you.
Armada.
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Nay, good sir,
Be not so fierce.
SUBTLE
:                  No, my enragèd child;
She will be ruled. What, when she comes to taste
40Â Â Â Â Â The pleasures of a countess! to be courted â
FACE
: And kissed and ruffled!
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ay, behind the poem0s.
FACE
: And then come forth in pomp!
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And know her state!
FACE
: Of keeping all th' idolators o' the chamber
Barer to her, than at their prayers!
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Is served
Upon the knee!
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And has her pages, ushers,
Footmen, and coaches â
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Her six mares â
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Nay, eight!
SUBTLE
: To hurry her through London, to th'
Exchange
,
Bedlam, the China-houses â
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Yes, and have
The citizens gape at her, and praise her tires,
50Â Â Â Â Â And my Lord's
goose-turd
bands, that rides with her!
KASTRIL
: Most brave! By this hand, you are not my suster
If you refuse.
DAME PLIANT
: I will not refuse, brother.
[
Enter
SURLY.]
SURLY
:
Que es
esto, señores, que non se venga?
Esta tardanza me mata!
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â It is the Count come!
The Doctor knew he would be here, by his art.
SUBTLE
:
En gallanta madama, Don! gallantissima!
SURLY
:
Por todos
los dioses, la mas acabada
Hermosura, que he visto en mi vida!
FACE
: Is't not a gallant language that they speak?
60
KASTRIL
: An admirable language! is't not french?
FACE
: No, Spanish, sir.
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â It goes like law French,
And that, they say, is the courtliest language.
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â List, sir.
SURLY
:
El sol
ha perdido su lumbre, con el
Resplandor que trde esta dama! Valga me dios!
FACE
: H'admires your sister.
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Must not she make curt'sy?
SUBTLE
: 'Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him!
It is the Spanish fashion, for the women
To make first court.
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 'Tis true he tells you, sir;
His art knows all.
SURLY
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
Porque
no se acùde?
70Â Â Â Â
KASTRIL
: He speaks to her, I think.
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â That he does, sir.
SURLY
:
Por
el amor de dios, que es esto que se tà rda?
KASTRIL
: Nay, see: she will not understand him! Gull,
Noddy!
DAME PLIANT
: What say you, brother?
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ass, my suster,
Go kuss him, as the cunning-man would ha' you;
I'll thrust a pin i' your buttocks else.
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â O no, sir.
SURLY
:
Señora
mia, mi persona muy indigna estÃ
Allegar à tanta hermosura
.
FACE
: Does he not use her bravely?
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Bravely, i' faith!
FACE
: Nay, he will use her better.
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Do you think so?
80Â Â Â
SURLY
:
Señora
, si sera servida, entremos
.
[
Exit with
DAME PLIANT.]
KASTRIL
: Where does he carry her?
FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Into the garden, sir;
Take you no thought. I must interpret for her.
SUBTLE
[
aside to
FACE
]: Give Dol the word.
[
Exit
FACE
.]
                                               â Come, my fierce child, advance,
We'll to our quarrelling lesson again.
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Agreed.
I love a Spanish boy with all my heart.
SUBTLE
: Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother
To a great count.
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ay, I knew that at first.
This match will advance the house of the Kastrils.
SUBTLE
: 'Pray God your sister prove but pliant!
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Why,
Her name is so, by her other husband.
90Â Â Â
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â How!
KASTRIL
: The Widow Pliant. knew you not that?
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â No, faith, sir;
Yet, by the erection of her
figure
, I guessed it.
Come, let's go practise.
KASTRIL
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Yes, but do you think, Doctor,
I e' er shall quarrel well?
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I warrant you.
[
Exeunt
.]
SCENE THREE
]
[
A room upstairs in Lovewit's house
.]
[
Enter
DOL]
in her fit of talking [followed by
MAMMON
.]
[
DOL COMMON
:] For, after Alexander's death â
MAMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Good lady â
DOL COMMON
: That Perdiccas and Antigonus were slain,
The two that stood, seleuc' and ptolemy â
MAMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Madam â
DOL COMMON
: Made up the two legs, and the fourth beast,
That was Gog-north and Egypt-south; which after
Was called Gog-iron-leg and South-iron-leg â
MAMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ladyâ
DOL COMMON
: And then Gog-hornèd. So was Egypt, too:
Then Egypt-clay-leg, and Gog-clay-leg â
MAMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Sweet madam â
DOL COMMON
: And last Gog-dust, and Egypt-dust, which fall
10Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â In the last link of the fourth chain. And these
Be stars in story, which none see, or look at â