Volpone and Other Plays (45 page)

As mine ha' preserved you a woman. Think upon it,

And whether I have deserved you or no.

DAME PLIANT
:                                                  I will, sir.

SURLY
: And for these household-rogues, let me alone To treat with them.

[
Enter
SUBTLE
.]

SUBTLE
:                            How doth my noble Diego,

And my dear madam Countess? Hath the Count

Been courteous, lady, liberal and open?

20        Donzel, methinks you look melancholic,

After your
coitum
, and scurvy! Truly,

I do not like the dullness of your eye;

It hath a heavy cast, 'tis upsee Dutch,

And says you are a lumpish whore-master.

Be lighter, I will make your pockets so.

    
He falls to picking of them
.

SURLY
: Will you, Don Bawd and Pick-purse?

[
Knocking him down
.]

                                                        How now! Reel you?

Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy,

I'll gi' you equal weight.

SUBTLE
:                                    Help! murder!

SURLY
:                                                         No, sir,

There's no such thing intended. A good
cart

30        And a clean whip shall ease you of that fear.

I am the Spanish Don that should be cozened,

Do you see? Cozened? Where's your Captain Face,

That
parcel
-broker, and whole-bawd, all rascal?

    [
Enter
FACE
in his Captains uniform
.]

FACE
: How, Surly!

SURLY
:                       O, make your approach, good Captain.

I've found from whence your copper rings and spoons

Come now, wherewith you cheat abroad in taverns.

'Twas here you learned t' anoint your boot with brimstone,

Then rub men's gold on't for a kind of touch,

And say 'twas naught, when you had changed the colour,

40        That you might ha't for nothing. And this Doctor,

Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, he

Will close you so much gold, in a bolt's-head,

And, on a turn, convey i' the stead another

With sublimed mercury, that shall burst i' the heat,

And fly out all
in fumo!
Then weeps Mammon;

Then swoons his worship. Or, he is the Faustus,

    [
Exit
FACE
,
quietly
.]

That casteth figures and can conjure, cures

Plagues, piles, and pox, by the
ephemerides
,

And holds intelligence with all the bawds

50        And midwives of three shires; while you send in –

Captain! –What! is he gone? –damsels with child,

Wives that are barren, or the waiting-maid

With the green sickness.

    [
Seizes
SUBTLE
as he is escaping
.]

                                                   - Nay, sir, you must tarry,

Though he be 'scaped; and answer by the ears, sir.

[
Re-enter
FACE
with
KASTRIL
.] IV, VII

[
FACE:
] Why, now's the time, if ever you will quarrel

Well, as they say, and be a true-born child.

The Doctor and your sister both are abused.

KASTRIL
: Where is he? Which is he? He is a slave.

Whate'er he is, and the son of a whore. –Are you

The man, sir, I would know?

SURLY
:                                        I should be loath, sir,

To confess so much.

KASTRIL
:                      Then you lie i' your throat.

SURLY
:                                                                                How!

FACE
[
to
KASTRIL
]: A very arrant rogue, sir, and a cheater,

Employed here by another conjurer

10        That does not love the Doctor, and would cross him,

If he knew how.

SURLY
:                    Sir, you are abused.

KASTRIL
:                                                 You lie:

And ‘tis no matter.

FACE
:                       Well said, sir! He is

The impudent'st rascal –

SURLY
: You are indeed. Will you hear me, sir?

FACE
: By no means. Bid him be gone.

KASTRIL
:                                                  Begone, sir, quickly.

SURLY
: This's strange! –Lady, do you inform your brother.

FACE
: There is not such a
foist
in all the town.

The Doctor had him presently; and finds yet

The Spanish Count will come here. –[
aside
] Bear up, Subtle.

SUBTLE
: Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour.

20    
FACE
: And yet this rogue would come in a disguise,

By the temptation of another spirit,

To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it.

KASTRIL
:                                                                           Ay,

I know -[
To his sister
] Away, you talk like a foolish
mauther
.

SURLY
: Sir, all is truth she says.

FACE
:                                             DO not believe him, sir.

He is the lying'st swabber! Come your ways, sir.

SURLY
: You are valiant out of company!

EASTRIL
:                                                 Yes, how then, sir?

[
Enter
DRUGGER
with a piece of damask.
]

FACE
: Nay, here's an honest fellow, too, that knows him,

And all his tricks. – [
Aside to
DRUGGER
] Make good what I say,

      Abel;

This cheater would ha' cozened thee o' the widow. –

30         He owes this honest Drugger here seven pound,

He has had on him in twopenny'orths of tobacco.

DRUGGER
: Yes,, sir. And's
damned himself
three terms to pay me.

FACE
: And what does he owe for lotion?

DRUGGER
:                                            Thirty shillings, sir;

And for six syringes.

SURLY
:                                Hydra of villainy!

FACE
: Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o' the house.

KASTRIL
:                                                                             I will.

– Sir, if you get not out o' doors, you lie;

And you are a pimp.

SURLY
:                              Why, this is madness, sir,

Not valour in you. I must laugh at this.

KASTRIL
: It is my humour; you are a pimp and a
trig
,

40       And an
Amadis de Gaul
, or a Don Quixote

DRUGGBR
: Or a knight o' the curious coxcomb, do you see?

[Enter
ANANIAS
.]

ANANIAS
: Peace to the household!

KASTRIL
:                                             I'll keep peace tor no man.

ANANIAS
: Casting of dollars is concluded lawful.

KASTRIL
: Is he the Constable?

SUBTLE
:                                                    Peace, Ananias.

FACE
:                                                                             No, sir.

KASTRIL
: Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit,

A very
tim
.

SURLY
:          You'll hear me, sir?

KASTRIL
:                                      I will not.

ANANIAS
: What is the motive?

SUBTLE
:                                    Zeal in the young gentleman,

Against his Spanish slops.

ANANIAS
:                         They are profane,

Lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous breeches.

SURLY
: New rascals!

KASTRIL
:                  Will you be gone, sir?

50   
ANANIAS
:                                                     Avoid, Satan!

Thou art not of the light! That ruff of pride

About thy neck betrays thee, and is the same

With that which the unclean birds, in
seventy-seven
,

Were seen to prank it with on divers coasts:

Thou look'st like Antichrist, in that lewd hat.

SURLY
: I must give way.

KASTRIL
:                        Be gone, sir.

SURLY
:                                               But I'll take

A course with you –

ANANIAS
:                    Depart, proud spanish fiend!

SURLY
: Captain and Doctor –

ANANIAS
:                                  Child of perdition!

KASTRIL
:                                                                 Hence, sir! –

     [
Exit
SURLY
.]

Did I not quarrel bravely?

FACE
:                                        Yes, indeed, sir.

KASTRIL
: Nay, an' I give my mind to't, I shall do't. 90

FACE
: O, you must follow, sir, and threaten him tame.

He'll turn again else.

KASTRIL
:                         I'll re-turn him then.

     [
Exit
.]

FACE
: Drugger, this rogue prevented us, for thee.

We had determined that thou should'st ha' come

In a Spanish suit, and ha' carried her so; and he,

A brokerly slave, goes, puts it on himself.

Hast brought the damask?

DRUGGER
:                                  Yes, sir.

FACE
:                                                       Thou must borrow

A Spanish
suit
. Hast thou no credit with the players?

DRUGGER
: Yes, sir; did you never see me play the Fool?

70    
FACE
: I know not, Nab. – [
Aside
] Thou shalt, if I can help it. –

Hieronimo's
old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve;

I'll tell thee more when thou bring'st 'em.

       [
Exit
DRUGGER
.]

SUBTLE
:                                                          True.

But here I cannot do it; if the house

80        Should chance to be suspected, all would out,

And we be locked up in the Tower for ever,

To make gold there for th' state, never come out

And then you are defeated.

ANANIAS
:                                    I will tell

This to the elders and the weaker Bredthren,