Volpone and Other Plays (47 page)

The cat that kept the buttery, had it on her

A week before I spied it; but I got her

Conveyed away i' the night; and so I shut

The house up for a month –

LOVEWIT
:                                      How!

FACE
:                                                              Purposing then, sir,

T'have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar,

And ha' made it sweet, that you should ne'er ha' known it;

Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.

LOVEWIT
: Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger:

The neighbours tell me all here that the doors

Have still been open –

FACE
:                                          How, sir!

LOVEWIT
:                                               Gallants, men and women,

And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here

In
threaves
, these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden,

20         In days of Pimlico and
Eye-bright
.

FACE
:                                                              Sir,

Their wisdoms will not say so.

LOVEWIT
:                                         Today they speak

Of coaches and gallants. One in a French hood

Went in, they tell me; and another was seen

In a velvet gown at the window. Divers more

Pass in and out.

FACE
:                        They did pass through the doors then,

Or walls, I assure their eyesights, and their spectacles;

For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been,

In this my pocket, now above twenty days!

And for before, I kept the fort alone there.

30        But that 'tis yet not deep i' the afternoon,

I should believe my neighbours had seen double

Through the black pot
, and made these apparitions!

For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeks

And upwards, the door has not been opened.

LOVEWIT
:                                                                    Strange!

IST NEIGHBOUR
: Good faith, I think I saw a coach.

2 ND NEIGHBOUR
:                                                         And I too,

I' d ha' been sworn.

LOVEWIT
:                     Do you but think it now?

And but one coach?

4 TH
NEIGHBOUR
:        We cannot tell, sir; Jeremy

Is a very honest fellow.

FACE
:                                Did you see me at all?

1 ST NEIGHBOUR
: No; that we are sure on.

2 ND NEIGHBOUR
:                                         I'll be sworn o 'that.

LOVEWIT
: Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on! 40

       [
Re-enter
3 RD NEIGHBOUR,
with his tools
.]

3 RD NEIGHBOUR
: Is Jeremy come?

1 ST NEIGHBOUR
:                             O yes; you may leave your

        tools;

We were deceived, he says.

2 ND NEIGHBOUR
:                          He's had the keys,

And the door has been shut these three weeks.

3 RD NEIGHBOUR
:              Like enough.

LOVEWIT
: Peace, and get hence, you changelings.

      [
Enter
SURLY
and
MAMMON
.]

FACE
[
aside
]:                                         surly come!

And Mammon made acquainted! They'll tell all.

How shall I beat them off? What shall I do?

Nothing's more wretched than a guilty conscience.

V,iii  [
SURLY
:] No, sir, he was a great physician. This,

It was no bawdy-house, but a mere
chancel
!

You knew the Lord and his sister.

MAMMON
:                                             Nay, good Surly.

SURLY
: The happy word, ‘Be rich' –

MAMMON
:                                                play not the tyrant.

SURLY
: Should be today pronounced to all your friends.

And where be your andirons now? And your brass pots,

That should ha' been golden flagons, and great wedges?

MAMMON
: Let me but breathe. What, they ha' shut their doors,

Methinks!

        
MAMMON
and
SURLY
knock
.

SURLY
:           Ay, now 'tis holiday with them.

MAMMON
:                                                                Rogues,

10         Cozeners, impostors, bawds!

FACE
:                                            What mean you, sir?

MAMMON
: To enter if we can.

FACE
:                                           Another man's house!

Here is the owner, sir; turn you to him,

And speak your business.

MAMMON
:                                Are you, sir, the owner?

LOVEWIT
: Yes, sir.

MAMMON
:               And are those knaves, within, your cheaters?

LOVEWIT
: What knaves, what cheaters?

MAMMON
:                                                       Subtle and his lungs.

FACE
: The gentleman is distracted, sir! no lungs

Nor lights ha' been seen here these three weeks, sir,

Within these doors, upon my word.

SURLY
:                                                           Your word,

Groom arrogant!

FACE
:                       Yes, sir. I am the housekeeper,

20       And know the keys ha' not been out' o' my hands.

SURLY
: This's a new Face.

FACE
:                                 You do mistake the house, sir.

What sign was't at?

SURLY
:                          You rascal! This is one

O' the confederacy. Come, let's get officers,

And force the door.

LOVEWIT
:                   Pray you stay, gendemen.

SURLY
: No, sir, we'll come with warrant.

MAMMON
:                                                      Ay, and then

We shall ha' your doors open.

         [
Exeunt
MAMMON
and
SURLY
.]

LOVEWIT
:                                            What means this?

FACE
: I cannot tell, sir.

1 ST NEIGHBOUR
:            These are two o' the gallants

That we do think we saw.

FACE
:                                          Two o' the fools!

You talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,

I think the moon has crazed 'em all.

     [
Enter
KASTRIL
.]

30              [
Aside
]                                          O me,

The angry boy come too! He'll make a noise,

And ne'er away till he have betrayed us all.

     
KASTRIL
knocks
.

KASTRIL
: What, rogues, bawds, slaves, you'll open the door anon!

Punk,
cockatrice
, my suster! By this light,

I'll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore

To keep your castle –

FACE
:                               Who would you speak with, sir?

KASTRIL
: The bawdy Doctor, and the cozening Captain,

And Puss, my suster.

LOVEWIT
:                   This is something, sure.

FACE
: Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.

KASTRIL
: I have heard all their tricks told me twice over, 40

By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.

LOVEWIT
: Here comes another.

     [
Enter
ANANIAS
and
TRIBULATION WHOLESOME.]

FACE
:                                                                                                     Ananias, too!

And his pastor!

TRIBULATION
: The doors are shut against us.

     
They beta, too, at the door
.

ANANIAS
: Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!

Your stench it is broke forth; abomination

Is in the house.

KASTRIL
:           Ay, my suster's there.

ANANIAS
:                                              The place,

It is become a cage of unclean birds.

KASTRIL
: Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable.

TRIBULATION
: You shall do well.

ANANIAS
:                                       We'll join to weed them out.

50    
KASTRIL
: You will not come men,
punk devise
, my suster!

ANANIAS
: Call her not sister; she is a harlot verily.

KASTRIL
: I'll raise the street.

LOVEWIT
:                              Good gentlemen, a word.

ANANIAS
: Satan, avoid, and hinder not our zeal!

     [
Exeunt
ANANIAS, TRIBULATION WHOLESOME,
and

     KASTRIL.]

LOVEWIT
: The World's turned Bedlam.

FACE
:                                                        These are all broke loose,

Out of St Katherine's, where they use to keep

The better sort of mad-folks.

1 ST NEIGHBOUR
:                     All these persons

We saw go in and out here.

2 ND NEIGHBOUR
:                     Yes, indeed, sir.

3RD NEIGHBOUR
: These were the parties.

FACE
:                                                                 Peace, you drunkards!

     Sir,

I wonder at it. Please you to give me leave

60       To touch the door; I'll try an' the lock be changed.

LOVEWIT
: It 'mazes me!

FACE
[
goes to the door
]: Good faith, sir, I believe

There's no such thing; 'tis all
deceptio visus
–

[
Aside
] Would I could get him away.

     
DAPPER
cries out within
.

DAPPER
:                                       Master Captain! Master Doctor!

LOVEWIT
: Who's that?

FACE
[
aside
]:           Our clerk within, that I forgot! –

I know not, sir.

DAPPER
[
within
]: For God's sake, when will her Grace be at

     leisure?

FACE
:         Ha!

Illusions, some spirit o' the air! – [
Aside
]His gag is melted,

And now he sets out the throat.

DAPPER
[
within
]:                        I am almost stifled –

FACE
[
aside
]: Would you were altogether.

LOVEWIT
:                                                          'Tis i' the house.