Volpone and Other Plays (64 page)

QUARLOUS
: Nay, stay a little. Good lady, put him to the question.

GRACE
: You are content, then?

WINWIFE, QUARLOUS
: Yes, yes.

GRACE
: Sir, here are two names written –

TROUBLE-ALL
: Is Justice Overdo one?

GRACE
: How, sir? i pray you read 'em to yourself – it is for a

80      wager between these gentlemen – and with a stroke or any
difference
, mark which you approve best.

TROUBLE-ALL
: They may be both worshipful names for ought I know, mistress, but Adam Overdo had been worth three of' em, I assure you, in this place; that's in plain English.

GRACE
: This man amazes me! I pray you, like one of ' em, sir.

TROUBLE-ALL
: I do like him there, that has the best warrant. Mistress, to save your longing (and multiply him), it may be this.[
Marks the book
.] But I am ay still for Justice Overdo,

90        that's my conscience. And quit you.

[EXIT.]

WINWIFE
: Is't done, lady?

GRACE
: Ay, and strangely as ever I saw! What fellow is this, trow?

QUARLOUS
: NO matter what, a fortune-teller we ha' made him.

Which is't, which is't?

GRACE
: Nay, did you not promise not to inquire?

[
Enter
EDGWORTH.]

QUARLOUS
: 'Slid, I Forgot that, pray you pardon me. look, here's our Mercury come. The licence arrives I' the finest time, too! 'Tis but scraping out Cokes's name, and 'tis done.

WINWIFE
: How now,
^lime-twig?
Hast thou touched?

100    
EDGWORTH
: Not yet, sir; except you would go with me and see't, it's not worth speaking on. The act is nothing without a witness. Yonder he is, your man with the box, fall' n into the finest company, and so transported with vapours; they ha' got in a northern clothier and one Puppy, a western man, that's come to
^wrestle
before my Lord mayor anon, and captain whit, and one val cutting, that helps Captain Jordan to roar, a
^{circling boy;}
with whom your numps is so taken that you may strip him of his clothes, if you will. I' ll undertake to geld him for you, if you had but a surgeon ready to sear him. And

110      Mistress Justice, there, is the goodest woman! She does so love' em all over, in terms of justice and the style of authority, with her hood upright – that I beseech you come away, gentlemen, and see't.

QUARLOUS
: 'Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair; what' ll you do, Ned?

WINWIFE
: Why, stay here about for you; Mistress Wellborn must not be seen.

QUARLOUS
: Do so, and find out a priest i' the meantime; I' ll bring the licence.
[To EDGWORTH
] Lead, which way is't?

[
Exeunt
WINWIFE
and
GRACE.]

120     
EDGWORTH
: Here, sir, you are o' the backside o' the booth already; you may hear the noise.

IV iV           [KNOCKEM, NORTHERN, PUPPY, CUTTING, WHIT, WASP, and MISTRESS OVERDO
discovered drinking in Ursula's booth
.]

[KNOCKEM:] Whit, bid Val Cutting continue the vapours for a lift, whit, for a
^lift
.

NORTHERN
: I' ll ne mare, I' ll ne mare, the eale's too meeghty.

KNOCKEM
: How now! my
^{Galloway Nag,
the staggers?}
Ha! Whit, gi' him a slit i' the forehead. Cheer up, man; a needle and thread to stitch his ears. I'd cure him now, an' I had it, with a little butter and garlic, long-pepper, and grains. Where's my horn? I' ll gi' him a mash, presently, shall take away this dizziness.

PUPPY
: Why, where are you, zurs? Do you vlinch and leave us

10     
^{I' the zuds
,}
now?

NORTHERN
: I'll ne mare, I is e'en as vull as a paiper's bag, by my troth, I.

PUPPY
: Do my northern cloth zhrink i' the wetting, ha?

KNOCKEM
: Why, well said, old flea-bitten, thou' lt never tire, I see.

They fall to their vapours, again
.

CUTTING
: No, sir, but he may tire, if it please him.

WHIT
: Who told dee sho? that he vuld never teer, man?

CUTTING
: No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.

KNOCKEM
: Nay, I know nothing, sir, pardon me there.

20 
EDGWORTH
[
to
QUARLOUS]: They are at it still, sir; this they call vapours.

WHIT
: He shall not pardon dee, Captain, dou shalt not be pardoned. Pre'de shweetheart, do not pardon him.

CUTTING
: 'Slight, I' ll pardon him, an' I list, whosoever says nay to't.

QUARLOUS
: Where's Numps? I miss him.

WASP
: Why, I say nay to't.

QUARLOUS
: O there he is!

30  
KNOCKEM
: To what do you say nay, sir?

Here they continue their game of vapours, which is nonsense: every man to oppose the last man that spoke, whether it concerned him or no
.

WASP
: To anything, whatsoever it is, so long as I do not like it.

WHIT
: Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a little.

CUTTING
: No, he must not like it at all, sir; there you are i' the wrong.

WHIT
: I tink I Be; he musht not like it, indeed.

CUTTING
: Nay, then he both must and will like it, sir, for all you.

KNOCKEM
: If he have reason, he may like it, sir.

40 
WHIT
: By no meansh, Captain, upon reason; he may like nothing upon reason.

WASP
: I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason, nor I will Look for no reason, and he is an ass that either knows any or looks for't from me.

CUTTING
: Yes, in some sense you may have reason, sir.

WASP
: Ay, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.

WHIT
: Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing, in no shensh, if dou do love dyshelf, angry man.

WASP
: Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I have no sense.

CUTTING
: 'Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.

WASP
: 'Slid, but I have sense, now I think on't better, and I will

50        grant him anything, do you see?

KNOCKEM
: He is i' the right, and does utter a sufficient vapour.

CUTTING
: Nay, it is no sufficient vapour, neither; I deny that.

KNOCKEM
: Then it is a sweet vapour.

CUTTING
: It may be a sweet vapour.

WASP
: Nay, it is no sweet vapour, neither, sir; it stinks, and I' ll stand to't.

WHIT
: Yes, I tink it doesh shtink, Captain. All vapour doesh shtink.

WASP
: Nay, then it does not stink, sir, and it shall not stink.

60 
CUTTING
: by your leave, it may, sir.

WASP
: Ay, by my leave, it may stink; I know that.

WHIT
: pardon me, thou knowesht nothing; it cannot by thy leave, angry man.

WASP
: How can it not?

KNOCKEM
: Nay, never question him, for he is i' the right. WHIT: yesh, I am i' de right, I confesh it; so ish de little man too. WASP: I' ll have nothing confessed that concerns me. I am not i' the right, nor never was i' the right, nor never will be i' the right, while I am in my right mind.

70  
CUTTING
: Mind? Why, here's no man minds you, sir, nor anything else.

They drink again
.

PUPPY
: Vriend, will you mind this that we do?

QUARLOUS
[
to
EDGWORTH]: Call you this vapours? This is such belching of quarrel as I never heard. Will you mind your business, sir?

EDGWORTH
: You shall see, sir.

NORTHERN
: I' ll ne mair, my
waimb
warks too mickle with this auready.

EDGWORTH
: Will you take that, Master Wasp, that nobody should mind you?

WASP
: Why? What ha' you to do? Is't any matter to you?

EDGWORTH
: No, but methinks you should not be unminded, though.

WASP
: Nor I wu' not be, now I think on't; do you hear, new acquaintance, does no man mind me, say you?

CUTTING
: Yes, sir, every man here minds you, but how?

WASP
: Nay, I care as little how as you do; that was not my question.

SHIT
: No, noting was ty question; tou art a learned man, and I am a valiant man; i' faith la, tou shalt speak for me, and I vil

90        l fight for tee.

KNOCKEM
: Fight for him, Whit? A gross vapour; he can fight for himself.

WASP
: It may be I can, but it may be I wu' not, how then?

CUTTING
: Why, then you may choose.

WASP
: Why, and I' ll choose whether I' ll choose or no.

KNOCKEM
: I think you may, and 'tis true; and I allow it for a resolute vapour.

100
WASP
: Nay, then, I do think you do not think and it is no resolute vapour.

CUTTING
: Yes, in some sort he may allow you.

KNOCKEM
: In no sort, sir, pardon me, I can allow him nothing.

You mistake the vapour.

WASP
: He mistakes nothing, sir, in no sort.

WHIT
: Yes, I pre dee now, let him mistake.

WASP
: A turd i' your teeth, never pre dee me, for I will have nothing mistaken.

KNOCKEM
: Turd, ha, turd? A noisome vapour; strike, Whit.

They fall by the ears
.

[EDGWORTH
steals the licence out of the box. Exit
.] MISTRESS OVERDO: Why gentlemen, Why gentlemen, I charge

110       you upon my authority, conserve the peace. In the King's name, and my husband's, put up your weapons; I shall be driven to
^{commit you youself, else.}

QUARLOUS
: Ha, ha, ha.

WASP
: Why do you laugh, sir?

QUARLOUS
: Sir, you'll allow me my Christian liberty. I may laugh, I hope.

CUTTING
: In some sort you may, and
^{in some sort you may not, sir}

KNOCKEM
: Nay, in some sort, sir, he may neither laugh nor hope

120      in this company.

WASP
: Yes, then he may both laugh and hope in any sort, an't please him.

QUARLOUS
: Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me exceedingly.

WASP
: No
^{exceeding neither, sir.}

KNOCKEM
: No, that vapour is too lofty.

QUARLOUS
: Gentlemen, I do not play well at your game of vapours; I am not very good at it, but –

CUTTING
: Do you hear, sir? I would speak with you in circle!

He draws a circle on the ground
.

130 
QUARLOUS
: In circle, sir? what would you with me in circle?

CUTTING
: Can you lend me a piece, a
^{jacobus
in circle?}

QUARLOUS
: 'slid, your circle will prove more costly than your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.

CUTTING
: Your beard's not well turned up, sir.

QUARLOUS
: How, rascal? Are you playing with my beard? I' ll break circle with you.

They draw all, and fight
.

PUPPY, NORTHERN
: Gentlemen, gentlemen!

KNOCKEM
[
aside
]: Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit. Good vapours!

[
Exit
.]

[
WHIT
takes the cloaks and hides them
.]

140  
MISTRESS OVERDO
: What mean you? are you rebels, gentle-men? shall I send out a sergeant-at-arms or a writ o' rebellion against you? I' ll
commit
you, upon my womanhood, for a riot, upon my justice-hood, if you persist.

[
Exeunt
QUARLOUS
and
CUTTING
.]

       
WASP
: Upon your justice-hood? Marry, shit o' your hood; you' ll commit? spoke like a true Justice of peace's wife, indeed, and a fine female lawyer! Turd i' your teeth for a fee, now.

MISTRESS OVERDO
: Why, Numps, in Master Overdo's name, I charge you.

      
WASP
: Good Mistress underdo, hold your tongue.

150  
MISTRESS OVERDO
: Alas! poor Numps.

WASP
: Alas! And why alas from you, I beseech you? Or why poor Numps, Goody rich? am Icome to be pitied by your
tuft taffeta
now? why mistress, knew adam, the clerk, your husband, when he was Adam scrivener, and writ for twopence a sheet, as high as he bears his head now, or you your hood, dame.