Waking Up in Charleston (8 page)

“We don’t get to choose the way we die,” Caleb reminded him. “Only the way we cope with it. You might want to consider coming back to church, Max. You’ve spent a lot of years angry at God. He might be able to help you now.”

“You know how I feel about all that. God didn’t keep me from losing Margaret. Why should I believe He’d be there for me now?”

“Because He’s always there, even if the answers He gives aren’t the ones we were hoping to hear,” Caleb said. He took a deep breath and leveled a look at Max. “Even if you won’t consider coming back to church, it’s time to call your daughter.”

“Don’t you start down that road again,” Max said. “I’ve given it a lot of thought since I got the news, and I’ve already made my decision. Amanda’s not to know. I don’t want her back here out of pity.”

Even though Max spoke with conviction, Caleb was certain he didn’t mean what he was saying. He was protecting himself from the possibility that Amanda would turn her back on him, as he had on her.

“What are you really afraid of, Max? Are you afraid she won’t come?” Caleb pressed.

Caleb knew from the way his friend avoided his gaze that he’d hit the nail on the head. “Amanda would never do that to you,” Caleb said, praying he was right. The rift was deep and she certainly had justification for staying away, but he knew she had a big heart, and despite everything, he believed there was room in it for the father she’d once adored.

“I’m telling you I don’t want her here out of pity,” Max insisted stubbornly.

“Then don’t tell her you’re ill,” Caleb said. “Just mend fences. Tell her the rest in time.”

For the first time since Caleb had known him, Max looked old and defeated, but he nodded slowly.

“I’ll give it some more thought,” Max promised.

That might have been good enough another time, but it wasn’t nearly enough under these circumstances. Caleb resolved to get the wheels in motion. If nothing else, maybe he could ensure that Amanda was a little more prepared, a little more receptive when Max made an overture. Of course, there was always the chance that his meddling wouldn’t fix anything between Max and Amanda and would wind up putting more distance between father and daughter. He had to risk it, though, for everyone’s sake.

Fortunately he was planning to be at Amanda’s tomorrow night. The kids had called on Saturday telling him they missed him and begging him to come for dinner. He hadn’t been able to make plans for Saturday or for tonight, but he’d promised to be there on Monday. Amanda had reluctantly agreed, even though it was a school night, which told him there was more going on over there than he realized. Hopefully, no matter what it was, he could still find some time to be alone with Amanda so he could broach the subject of her relationship with Max.

Maybe he ought to consider borrowing a flak jacket from Dinah. After all her years in war zones, she probably had one stashed somewhere. Then again, he doubted even that would be enough protection once Amanda heard what he had to say.

The kids were as wound up as if they’d been consuming sugar by the spoonful all afternoon. Amanda was
just about at her wit’s end. “Guys, it’s just Caleb. Settle down. He’s coming for spaghetti, not to play catch in the backyard, Jimmy, or have a tea party with your dolls, Susie. It’s a school night, so he’s staying for a couple of hours, tops, because you have homework to do.”

“I did mine,” Larry said. “Can I play catch with him after dinner?”

Amanda sighed. “We’ll see what time it is.”

“I want to play catch, too,” Susie insisted, scowling at her big brother. “I don’t even have homework.”

“No, but you have an earlier bedtime than the boys,” Amanda reminded her, beginning to regret that she’d agreed to this visit. Then she saw their excitement and knew she could never have deprived them of a chance to see someone who’d become so important to them.

“Is the table set?” she asked Larry.

“I did it,” Jimmy said.

“I helped,” Susie added. “I put the napkins on the plates. Is that right?”

“Good enough,” Amanda said just as the doorbell rang. All three kids took off running.

“I’ll get it,” Jimmy hollered.

“No, me,” Larry said.

“I wanna,” Susie screamed, on the verge of tears.

Amanda listened and sighed. She hoped Caleb was prepared for this. She was pretty sure he’d never had to deal with kids—at least her kids—when they were this wound up.

The squeals from the living room reached whole new decibel levels before finally settling down. Caleb appeared in the kitchen, Susie clinging to his neck and a boy clutching each hand. He looked a little dazed.

“I see you’ve met the welcoming committee,” she said.

“They seem to have missed me,” he said, looking vaguely surprised.

“You have no idea.” She gave the kids a stern look. “Let the man breathe, okay?” She met his gaze. “Want a beer? Some water? Iced tea?”

“Tea would be good,” he said. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Nope. Dinner will be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

He sniffed the air. “Spaghetti?”

She nodded. “I made the sauce over the weekend. I usually freeze a couple of batches, so we have it on hand. It makes things quicker when I get home from work.”

“I don’t know how you do everything you do,” he said, regarding her with admiration.

“Organization,” she said. “And a healthy dose of patience. Some days are better than others. Maybe you should go outside with the kids while I get dinner on the table. The boys have something they need to show you.”

Larry and Jimmy nodded, their expressions suddenly subdued. “We need to ’pologize,” Larry said meekly.

“Oh?” Caleb said, turning a questioning gaze in her direction.

“They’ll explain,” she said, watching as they trooped outside.

When they were gone, she bit back a sigh of relief. She realized that she’d been every bit as eager to see Caleb as the kids had been. She simply hadn’t wanted
to admit it. Feeling the hop, skip and jump of her pulse when he’d arrived had pretty much put the lie to the idea that his absence hadn’t affected her. She wondered how much her own longing—to say nothing of the dreams in which he’d appeared stripped down to a pair of snug-fitting jeans—had influenced her decision to let the kids ask him over for dinner. The possibility that she’d used her kids to get something she wanted made her grimace. What kind of mother would do such a thing?

One who was lonely and who’d found someone who seemed to understand her, she confessed to herself. Pitiful.

She put the spaghetti on the table, then called everyone in. Caleb lingered at the back door as the kids raced into the dining room.

“I had no idea they’d miss me that much,” he told her. “We need to talk about this.”

“I know,” she agreed. “But not now.”

“After dinner, then,” he said. “And there’s something else I want to talk to you about, as well.”

She heard an unexpectedly somber note in his voice that set off alarms. “What?”

“After dinner,” he said.

“Caleb, if whatever it is will upset me, just tell me now and get it over with,” she said.

“It can wait till we’ve eaten,” he insisted, slipping past her and going into the dining room.

Amanda stared after him. Something told her that whatever was on his mind didn’t have anything to do with the kids. And she could think of only one thing that he might want to postpone discussing—her father.

But why on earth would Caleb have anything at all
to say to her about Big Max? As far as she knew, they’d never even met. Was her assumption wrong? Had the two of them been conspiring behind her back?

“Okay, my imagination’s running away from me,” she muttered. She’d know whatever was on his mind soon enough. She just had to get through dinner and sending the kids off to bed. A couple of hours at most.

So why did it suddenly seem like an eternity? And why, when she’d been so happy only moments ago, was there now a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach?

T
o his chagrin Caleb let himself be swept along in the fantasy that this was his family and this was a perfectly normal night. It was exactly the way he’d always imagined marriage and family life to be. He’d envisioned coming in after a long day, dealing with whatever commotion the kids had caused, settling disputes, sharing an occasional simmering look with the woman he loved. It was a dream that had been tantalizingly out of reach for too long now.

It was nothing like his own marriage had been, at least not in those final months when tension had run high. Meals were eaten in icy silence, when they were shared at all. Accusing glances had become the norm. In the end, he’d all but forgotten a time when his relationship with his wife had been any other way, though it must have been once. There must have been love and passion in the early years before he’d failed her, before God had failed
him.

If the kind of family he’d always wanted was so close at hand now, it was because of Amanda. He wondered if she knew how grateful he was to have this ordinary, normal family meal. He glanced across the
dining room table and caught her studying him curiously. Because he knew it flustered her and because he couldn’t resist, he winked. Just as he’d anticipated, she blushed.

“Did I mention I brought dessert?” he asked.

Three pairs of eyes turned toward him.

“Really?” Susie asked, bouncing in her chair. “Is it ice cream?”

“Nah,” Jimmy scoffed. “Ice cream would be all melted by now if he left it in the car.”

“Cookies,” Larry said. “I bet it’s cookies.”

Caleb turned to Amanda. “Do you have a guess before I send these guys out to the car to get it?”

She tilted her head, her expression thoughtful. “Double fudge cake with butter-cream frosting,” she said slowly, then grinned at his astonishment. “Got it, didn’t I?”

He stared at her incredulously. “How on earth did you know that?”

“I should probably let you think I’m omniscient, but the truth is, Betty Wickham came into the boutique today and told me she’d baked one for you,” she admitted. “She says it’s your favorite. Of course, Minnie Green thinks peach pie is your favorite dessert and Letitia Baker is sure it’s lemon meringue. My money would have been on strawberry fudge ice cream.”

He chuckled. “Do you honestly think I’m going to admit to favoring one thing over another? My dessert pipeline would dry up.”

“So, whatever happened to honesty?” she inquired tartly.

“I totally advocate it,” he replied. “Except in cases when diplomacy’s called for.”

“A pretty self-serving value system,” she said.

Caleb laughed. “I can hardly deny it now, can I? Okay, kids, go get the cake and be very, very careful. It’s a thing of beauty. There’s shaved chocolate on top of the frosting.”

“If it’s that precious, shouldn’t you get it yourself?” Amanda asked.

He shook his head. “I trust them to be careful.”

All three kids raced eagerly from the room. Left alone with Amanda, Caleb was suddenly at a loss. There was too little time to discuss any of the topics that really mattered and too much to sit there silently. Yet he couldn’t seem to make himself begin. Instead, he just looked at her, memorizing the way she looked with her cheeks flushed, her hair a bit mussed. It was the way he imagined she’d look after sex. He wondered if he’d ever have the chance to discover if he was right about that.

“I should clear the table,” Amanda said, obviously feeling rattled under the intensity of his gaze.

“Let me,” he said at once, realizing how just a little time and distance had changed things between them. There was an unfamiliar awkwardness that had never been there before.

They bumped into each other reaching for the serving bowls in the center of the table. Both of them promptly jumped back as if they’d been singed. Or maybe he’d gotten it wrong and it wasn’t awkwardness on her part at all. Maybe her thoughts had been as steamy as his own.

“This is crazy,” Caleb said, meeting her eyes. “We’re acting as if we’ve never been alone together before.”

“I know. It’s ridiculous.” Her gaze never left his.

“Amanda,” he began, ready to reach for her and pull her into his arms.

Just then the kids burst through the back door, letting the screen door slap shut behind them. The moment of intimacy was lost to the pounding of feet and shrill clatter of excited voices.

Amanda finally tore her gaze away. “Careful with the cake!” she called out to them. “Sit it on the counter. I’ll be right there to cut it.”

“It’s totally awesome,” Larry announced gleefully.

“And the icing is—” Jimmy began, only to be cut off, most likely by his brother.

Amanda exchanged an amused look with Caleb. “There’ll be fingerprints in the frosting,” she warned him. “I hope that won’t ruin it for you.”

“Not as long as they left some icing for me,” he replied.

“You really are a go-with-the-flow man, aren’t you?” she said with evident admiration.

“Considering the number of surprises life has in store, it seems like the sensible way to live,” he said.

“You’d make a great father,” she told him. “Nothing would rattle you.”

“Not true,” he said, only able to deal with one part of her comment. “Seeing the damage they did to the tree house certainly shook me up. There was a lot of anger behind that.”

“I know.”

“My fault, I assume.”

“No, not entirely,” she said. “We both share the blame. Obviously neither of us realized how much they’d come to count on you.”

“Any idea how we’re going to fix that?” he asked.

“No,” she said, then regarded him earnestly. “But we do need to fix it, Caleb. I can’t watch my kids get attached to someone who’s going to disappear from their lives.”

“I’m not going to disappear,” he assured her.

“Then there have to be parameters they can understand,” she insisted.

“Mom!” Larry shouted, interrupting. “We want cake.”

“I suppose we’re going to have to table this till they’re in bed,” Amanda said.

Caleb nodded. It was just as well. He had a hunch Amanda wasn’t anywhere near ready to hear the solution he had in mind—making himself a permanent fixture in their lives.

Then, again, he acknowledged with regret, that was as much a fantasy as any of the other thoughts he’d had about her. For he knew he would never make that offer. While she could give him everything he’d ever dreamed of—a deep and abiding love and a family—he couldn’t give her something he’d heard her tell Dinah and Maggie she truly wanted. More kids. And explaining that to her would destroy whatever was left of his pride. Pride might be a sin and honesty was certainly something he prized, but in his own case, he was weak and willing to admit it.

Amanda came down the stairs slowly, the sound of Caleb’s voice drifting along behind her. He was reading a bedtime story to the boys after tucking Susie in. They’d clamored for him to read one more chapter of
the latest Harry Potter book, so Amanda had made an excuse to leave them alone.

She needed to gather her composure. Sitting there while Caleb read had filled her with memories. Good ones, for a change. Bobby had loved reading aloud to the kids until they fell asleep. It didn’t matter whether it was
Goodnight Moon
for the hundredth time or a chapter from
Huckleberry Finn,
he’d enjoyed bringing the stories to life and making the kids laugh sleepily before they drifted off.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
was one of the last books they’d read together.

Amanda had enjoyed those times as much as Bobby had. She’d felt safest and most in tune with her husband. If only Bobby had understood that those moments of simple pleasure meant far more to her than all the material things.

Tonight, listening to Caleb, she’d felt those emotions stir again, felt that longing for a connection with another person, and that, she told herself, was dangerous.

She was no longer able to maintain the illusion that Caleb was safe, either because of his profession or his gentlemanly demeanor. Too many times now, she’d seen the desire in his eyes, felt the simmering passion sparking between them. And too many nights, she’d stirred restlessly in her bed, thoughts and dreams of Caleb turning wickedly hot. She’d imagined his hands on her, not in comfort, but exploring, stroking and caressing until she remembered what it felt like to be a woman.

Shaken yet again by those images, she retreated to the kitchen where she could no longer hear Caleb’s voice. The familiar, uncomplicated task of washing and
drying the dishes kept her from thinking too much, wanting too much.

Even so, she jumped when Caleb appeared suddenly and announced, “They’re all asleep.”

She turned and smiled. “Thanks for reading to them. They miss having Bobby around to do that. I’m afraid I don’t have the same talent for drama when I’m reading.”

“I think I enjoyed it as much as they did,” Caleb admitted.

“Would you like another cup of coffee? More cake?”

“Sure,” he said. “But I’ll get it. You sit. How about you? Can I get you anything?”

“Nothing for me. The coffee and chocolate would keep me awake all night.” And only add to the nerves she was feeling now that they were alone with too many hard decisions to make, too many yearnings to ignore.

Caleb poured himself a cup of coffee, cut another slice of cake, then joined her at the kitchen table.

“I’m truly sorry I upset the kids,” he told her. “I had no idea my staying away would affect them like that.”

“I didn’t realize it, either, at least not right away. When I figured it out, I tried to explain that you were a busy man with obligations to a lot of people, that they couldn’t expect you to be around all the time.”

He looked oddly guilty. “But I had been making time with no problem at all,” he said. “And the truth is, I wasn’t that busy.”

Amanda wasn’t all that shocked by his revelation. “Just avoiding me,” she guessed. “Are you ready to tell me why? What happened when you were here that Saturday to build the tree house? It goes back to that afternoon. I’m sure of it.”

He regarded her with a troubled expression. “I know I owe you an explanation, especially now, but it’s just not something I can talk about.”

“Not even to me?” she asked, not trying to hide her hurt.

“It’s too painful,” he said. “It goes back to a time in my life I’ve worked very hard to forget.”

“But you haven’t forgotten it at all, have you?”

He shook his head.

“Then perhaps talking about it would help.”

“Talking is a waste of time. It can’t be changed,” he said tersely.

She regarded him with surprise. She’d had no idea there was anything in his past that might have been devastating. She’d seen only his compassionate, caring side and taken for granted that was all there was to him. Because he was good and decent and cared for everyone else, she’d assumed he’d gotten only kindness and compassion in return. Now it was evident to her that someone had hurt him deeply.

“Now I’m the one who feels like an idiot,” she said. “I thought I knew all there was to know about you, and obviously I have no idea what went on in your life before you came to Charleston.”

“Everyone has a history, Amanda,” he said, smiling ruefully.

“And mine is pretty much out there for everyone to see,” she said. “I guess I took for granted that yours was simply more of the same generous acts that have endeared you to everyone at the church.”

He grinned. “Oh, there were a few kind acts before I turned up here,” he conceded, “but believe me, there
was more to my life. Not all the memories are good ones.”

She studied him intently. It had been a long time since she’d pried into someone else’s life, especially a man’s. What sort of basic questions should she be asking?

“Have you ever been married?” she asked when she realized that a man as amazing as Caleb surely had to have had a woman in his life at one time or another.

Something that might have been pain flickered in his eyes, then was gone. “Yes,” he said. “I was divorced six months before I moved here.”

She hid her surprise well, she thought, and refrained from prying into the reasons for the divorce. It was obviously a touchy subject.

“Kids?” she asked instead.

“No.” Again, that hint of pain, though this time he wasn’t able to hide it as quickly.

“And you regret that,” she guessed. A man as great with children as Caleb was surely had wanted some of his own.

“Amanda, let’s not get into this, okay?”

There was enough misery in his expression to convince her to drop the subject for now, even though she had a hunch she was just scraping the surface of the real issue that stood between them. She moved on to more innocuous turf. “Did you always want to be a minister?”

He regarded her with undisguised relief. “Not always,” he said. “There was a time when I wanted to be a firefighter and another summer when I was sure I was going to be a major league ballplayer.”

“What happened?”

“I realized that firefighting was dangerous,” he said, “and that there were other ways to save people.”

“What about baseball?”

“I crashed straight into reality on that one,” he said, another smile tugging at his lips. “Couldn’t hit worth a darn and my fielding left a lot to be desired.”

“That pretty much rules out baseball, all right.”

He took a sip of his coffee, studying her over the rim of the cup, then set it aside. “Okay, my turn to ask the questions.”

Amanda frowned at him. “You know everything there is to know about my life.”

“Not everything,” he said. “I don’t know what you were like as a little girl. I’m picturing curly hair and pink bows and patent-leather shoes.”

Amanda laughed. “Not even close, especially about the bows. My father was basically inept in the hair department. And I rarely held still long enough for Jessie to do anything special with my hair.” It was the first time in ages she’d mentioned Big Max without rancor. “Besides, I was supposed to grow up and take over the world. Bows were too frilly. If they’d made power suits for six-year-old girls, I would have had an entire wardrobe of them. I did by the time I was seventeen.”