Walking in the Shadows (4 page)

“You’re not
going to like my saying this…”
s
he began
,
but her voice drifted off as she
smacked the ice pack from th
e first aid box to activate it,
“
I think
you’
re handling this all wrong.
I think you should sit down with him and explain everything.”

“I doubt it would change anything. Tad will still be Mr. K
nightley—my British Lit teacher,
”
I responded as I watched
my skin turn red and shiny.

“It doesn’t get any easier does it?”
Kirsten
aske
d as she placed the ice pack on my hand and brushed a hair out of my eye.

“I thought it would get better with time, but they’re still dead.
”

“Today isn’
t
going to get better…”
Kirsten
remarked
as she looked up.

Tad was walking th
roug
h the door, his hair a mess,
his
shirt half tucked in and his eyes wandering the room until they landed on
me
.
“We need to talk
,
”
h
e said without even a ‘hello.’

“I thought you didn’t wa
nt me to stand so close?” I snapped
.

“Are you kidding me
? Can we
just
be grownups
about this?”

Kirsten
coughed in the background.

“That was wrong of you to do—
play tha
t song
knowing it’s my favorite—as if I did this all on purpose,
as if I knew
!
”
I accused
,
trying to control the pitch of my voice without success.

“Your song was better? It was
just
as harsh, if not more,” h
e countered
,
his hand scratching his sc
ruff
.

“It was in retaliation!”

“
Vera
, it’s pretty slow.
I can handle closing myself,
”
Kirsten
interrupted as she handed
me my back
pack
so I
couldn’t
refuse
.

“I’ll drive you home,
” Tad said
,
and I knew I would
n’t be
able to escape.

The drive to my apartment was spent in silence.

“
You want to come in?” I asked when
he parked his car.

“Well,
yeah…we need to talk.”

I threw my keys on the coffe
e table and flopped on the couch
,
pulling my legs up int
o my chest as he sat next to me
.

“Tad, what is there to say?”

“Please g
ive up the act
,
Vera
. I know you’
re hurt by this,
” Tad said
,
his eyes scanning my face.

“Yeah…I’
ve been hurt worse thoug
h,
”
I answered
as
my eyes locked on the picture of my dead parents.

“By who?”

“Not in the same way—
I
haven’t
been hurt like
this,
by my own actions. Tad I’
m sorry, you must know that. I never meant for this to happen.”

“I’
m sure you didn’t mean for it to
happen
so
please
stop blaming yourself. I should have asked more questions. I guess I just assumed because you live alone…you do live alone right?”
h
e asked
,
looking around the apartment as if someone might pop out at
any moment.

“One bedroom apartment? Where would I be hiding someone else?”

“I di
dn’t mean it like that,” h
e replied
,
standing and
cracking his knuckles in what I assumed was frustration
, “Whose parents let
their
daughter
live
alone at seventeen?”

“Dead ones who have no say
.
”

“Dead?”Tad repeated
.

I nodded my head as I pulled
my knees closer to my chest
and hugged them
.
“
T
hat’s what I
just meant by being hurt worse.
There are a lot of things I left out.
”

“Can we start with the truth?”

“I never lied!”
I
yelled
as I threw my hands up in rebellion to his words.

“I know
;
I am not saying that…
I mean…” h
e
said as he
sat down and plac
ed his hands on my knees to push
them down
, adding,
“What have you left out?”

“My parents died two years ago…I thought all the teachers had already been told
.
”
I
muttered
,
feeling the warmth of his hands on mine.

“To be honest, I’
ve been so angry since that first day that they could have
,
and I woul
d have just tuned out
.
” Tad
admitted, and
shrugged his shoulders
.

“I‘
ll tel
l you the truth they don’t know—
that only
Kirsten
knows. The school thinks they were killed in a car acciden
t and that my name is
Vera
MacIntyre
—“

“Wait,
are you saying
Vera
isn’t your name?”

“
It’s
Abigail…everyone called me Abbi.”

“I think that fits you better,
” Tad
whispered,
caressing my face with his thumb.

“We can’t be like this anymore…can we?”

His hand dropped and his eyes wandered around the
room
,
looking anywhere but at me, “No…I guess not,
”
h
e finally answered.

“I’m
going to miss you.”

“How
do you stay so strong?” Tad probed
,
his brows kni
t
ting
together
as his eyes found mine again.

“I’ve run away from it.
I don’t have to be s
trong about it,
but I can’t
run away from
what I’ve done to us,”
I whispered
. I
fe
lt
as if I was shrinking into my couch
, becoming less of a person as I thought of what I was losing.

“I’
m
going to miss you too,” Tad replied
and as a tear rolled down my cheek he pulled me into his arms and kissed my hair.
I tried to memorize the feel of his touch
,
knowing that it could be the
last time
I ever felt it.
He was no longer the man
that
I loved
,
but my teacher.

My world felt as though it was spinning out of control yet again.

It’s no secret that
Wuthering Heights
isn’t usually any teenager’s favorite novel, but looking around at the class room as Tad gave a lecture on it, it seemed that no one had any intention of participating at all. I could tell from the tension on Tad’s face that he was becoming frustrated with the bored faces
in
the classroom, and that he needed to find some way to recover his teaching prowess.

“
I’
d like to discuss Catherine and Heathcliff’s relationship. Do they love each other?”
Tad asked the classroom.

“Of course they do!” Lily
responded
,
sitting fo
rward in her chair as if Tad were
saying otherwise.

“
If they truly love one
another
,
th
e
n
why do they endeavor to hurt
the
other?
” Tad asked
his arms crossed as he leaned against his desk.
He had
their
attention, but still everyone remained silent.

“
Maybe it's the
fact that they can endure the t
ortures of the other that makes them lov
e one another. They are true masochists and that's why they m
arry other
people
s
that
the other shall endure
the pain that the other caused. The action of hurting one another
may be self conscious due to the d
egradation of their minds because of those who
tortured them
,
but didn’
t love them?”
I interjected biting my lip.

“Vera
brought up the fact that they marry other people to torture one anot
her
.
” Tad put his hand up before Lily could speak,
“
It’s clear that Heathcliff doesn’t
love Elizabeth, but does
Catherine love Edgar?
Is it possible to love two people?”

“
She loves
Heathcliff
because they are one i
n the same, no one but Heathcliff
could love the real Cath
erine. Yet she knows it's wrong
—
that they are mere
beasts
.
Edgar is
refined and therefore,
she loves w
hat he can give her
but not him
,
”
I answered
,
trying not to look like the other girls who leaned forward every time Tad spoke, but I was drawn to him.

“You know what it is?” Brad interjected
.
“She’s freaking bi-
polar and
takes advantage of the two of them. She only loves herself!”

Tad nodded his head
.
“Or does
Catherine
have
s
ome sort of mental disease like Brad’s first assumption?”

“
That
’s an excuse for their moral
depravity
,
” I replied
.

“But is that something that they
can help
due to their upbringing
?
” Tad countered
,
and I could feel the heads
of my classmates
bobbing back and forth as Tad and
I
continued our conversation l
ike
there was no one else in the room.

“
Catherine could have taught
Heathcliff
what she learned after she met the
Linton’s—
that many of the things they did were wrong.”

“
But would Heathcliff have listened?
”
Tad pushed.

“
He loved Catherine
,
so
of course he would have
, if she had wanted it
,
bu
t she liked
who he was, who she really was,
”
I answered.

“But
you can’t tame a wild horse,
”
t
he girl in front of me
added as she
tur
ned
half in her seat to wink at me.

“
Not if it doesn't want it, or is wanting for understanding of why it is the way it is. Catherine knew why they were who they were and that's why she didn't
change it
because
who would Heathcliff be
i
f he was as tamed as a gelding? H
e would become like Edgar
—
someone she could never really love
,
” I finished
.