Watch Me Walk Away (21 page)

Dinner is great, the four of us get along well and the conversation flows. John and Brad decide that the food was good enough that they will do the clean-up. Jodi and I go into the living room to let them at it. I glance at the clock and see it is just before nine and I smile at the fact that Bobby will be here in a little over an hour. Jodi sees the change and cocks her head. “What has you looking dreamy?”

“Bobby is coming at ten.” I smile. “He’s staying the night.”

“Aren’t you moving awfully fast here? What happened to the girl who was going to wait and take it slow? And don’t think I didn’t see what you are wearing.” she is frowning at me.

“I can’t help it, Jodes, it just feels so natural with him, like I’m right where I should be.” I know I am moving fast and yes I wanted to take it slow but I feel like I have no control when I see him or talk to him. I just have to be with him. Yes it’s crazy and I should probably take a night off but I am craving him like an addict craves drugs.

The guys come out of the kitchen and John says, “So what are we doing for the rest of the night?”

Brad comes up and stands next to me. “I was going to take Lisa to Carvel to thank her for the great dinner. You guys are more than welcome to come with.”

Jodi is shaking her head. “No way, not after that calorie filled dinner we just had. I will have to spend an extra two hours at the gym as it is.”

John looks like he really wanted ice cream. “John would you like us to bring you something back?” His face lights instantly.

“Yes please, I want butter pecan, two scoops.” He starts to reach for his wallet.

“I got it,” Brad says and starts walking me towards the door. “We’ll be back soon.”

All the way to Carvel I try to think of a way to tell Brad that Bobby will be here soon. We get the ice cream and start our way back, me licking on a cone and him drinking a chocolate shake. I look at the clock and it is ten to ten, we are cutting it close. “Before we get back I wanted to tell you something.”

He looks at me. “Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this?”

“It’s nothing bad,” I tell him, “Bobby’s coming over at ten.”

“So your boyfriend is coming at ten and what you want me to leave?” his voice is like venom.

“No I don’t want you to leave, I just wanted you to know so you wouldn’t be surprised.” I put my hand on his arm. “My day was shitty until he showed up with lunch and then he sent his car to take me home so I could finish my work and not have to do it tonight. I just want him here.” I know I am rambling a little and justifying myself but do I really need a reason to see my man? Yes I had invited Brad over before Bobby and I were officially together but I have spent most of the night with him and now I just want to be held. “What’s the big deal, Brad?”

“The big deal is as much as you say that you still want to be my friend and spend time with me your actions are telling me a different story,” he’s practically yelling.

I turn to him in my seat. “I do want to stay friends with you and I do want to spend time with you but what is the big deal about Bobby coming over now. We’ve spent the whole night together, truth be told after the morning I had all I really wanted to do was crawl in bed but I came home made you dinner and spent time with you because you are my best friend. Now my boyfriend is coming over and you are throwing a hissy fit.”

“You’re right, it’s not fair. So does he know about us?” He looks straight into my eyes.

“No he doesn’t. There is no reason to tell him, he feels bad enough for what happened and I don’t want him resenting you. I want you to be part of our lives,” I explain.

“Well don’t you think hiding something like who you lost your virginity to and when is a big deal?” I know he is trying to stir the pot and it is starting to piss me off.

“Brad, stop it. If you can’t handle this then you need to tell me now. I love you as my brother but I will not screw this up with Bobby for you.” I look at him with tears in my eyes. “Please don’t make me choose.”

He stops the car about two blocks away from the house. “I am not the one who is going to make you choose. I will be with you as long as you want me but I don’t have to like it.”

“Please just don’t make any trouble, I don’t know if I would be able to forgive you if you came between me and Bobby,” I hope he can hear the sincerity in my voice. He continues to drive back and I can see he is still upset. He slams his shake into the cup holder and he is about to take the steering wheel off he is gripping it so tight.

We pull up to the house and Bobby isn’t here yet. I get out of the car and throw out the rest of my cone. I’m not really hungry. Now my stomach is in knots. Brad doesn’t get out he is just sitting there staring straight ahead. I know that I’ve hurt him and it’s the last thing I wanted to do. I walk around to the driver’s side and open his door. “Please come in.” I hold out my hand to him. He takes my hand and gets out, after he closes the door he leans against it and sighs.

I step up to him and hug him, he has always been my rock and it’s killing me that he’s in pain. His arms go around me and he holds me like he’ll never see me again. “I don’t want to lose you, Lisa, but it’s so hard knowing you’re with him. I do want you to be happy I just wish it was with me.”

And there it is. He has been wanting me for far too long, I need to find a way to get him to move on without damaging our friendship. I will have to talk to Jodi tomorrow and see if she has any suggestions. Of course she has been telling me forever that I just need to make a clean break and let him get over me but that didn’t work when I moved away. We are right back where we started.

I pull away and look up at him. “We need to get John’s ice cream into him before it is just a puddle.” I give him a shy smile and start to back away. He grabs my hand and follows me to the door. Just as we get to the porch I hear a car pull up. I turn and it is Bobby.

Suddenly all thoughts of protecting Brad are out the window. I hand Brad the bag with John’s ice cream and bolt to the car, Bobby grabs and kisses me as soon as he is out. I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on since my knees will not support me anymore. I totally forget that we have an audience and start to run my hands down his chest as I moan into his mouth. His hands cup my ass and pull me against him so I can feel how hard he is for me. We finally break apart when Arthur opens his door to get Bobby’s bag but we can’t stop touching. I stick my hand in his back pocket and squeeze his ass, “I’m glad you’re here, babe.”

He takes his bag from Arthur and we start up the walk. “Looks like you and Brad were having a good time.”

“He took me out for Carvel but I couldn’t finish it.” I lean into him.

“You would think you had a big lunch or something.” He laughs.

“Well my lunch was quite large but I am hoping my second dessert will be even larger.” I lean into him as I open the door.

We walk thru the door and can hear Jodi and Brad in a heated discussion. Bobby stops and holds me back listening to the conversation. Brad yells, “How can you condone this, Jodi? You know she’s going to end up broken and bleeding again!”

Jodi answers in a calm voice, “You don’t know that, Brad. He is treating her like a princess and have you seen how happy she is? I know you love her but I think it’s time you face facts. She loves him.”

Brad’s voice is softer now but the emotion has switched to pain, “She was mine first. Then he came along and she fell for him, he throws her away and she comes to me. We have one night together that was magical and she treats it like it never happened. How does losing your virginity together just get forgotten?”

I feel Bobby tense behind me, I turn around and his eyes are wide. I start to say his name but he holds up his hand and walks back out the door. He walks over to the car and drops his bag. “Were you ever going to tell me?” his voice is flat.

I cross my arms over my chest. “I don’t know,” I admit, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“And you thought keeping it a secret wouldn’t hurt me? Why is it such a big deal if it meant nothing to you?” his voice is making me cold like he is distancing himself from me.

“It’s not about what but the when and the why.” I take a deep breath because I know this is going to hurt both of us. “It happened on New Year’s Eve after I went back to the party. I did it to show you that my virginity meant nothing to me.” My eyes are closed. I can’t stand to see his reaction, to see the hurt I’ve just caused.

I hear his sharp inhale and the sound of his body slamming into the car. I open up my tear filled eyes and he is slumped over leaning on the car looking like someone just hit him in the stomach. I don’t know what to do. I want to go to him, take him in my arms and tell him it’s okay. That I would go through it all again to get to where we are now. That the past is just that and the future is what counts but I don’t think he’ll hear me and I’m scared. Scared that by not telling him sooner I’ve made it so much worse.

His hands are on his knees and his breathing is labored like he is in pain. I take a step towards him and he holds out his hand to stop me. It takes him a few deep breaths but he finally raises his head and looks at me. This is not the strong, fun-loving man who kissed me just minutes ago. This man is broken, the light has gone out of his eyes, “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I really am no good for you.” He stands up and crosses his arms. “I should just leave you alone.”

He starts to turn and reach for the door. He’s leaving again! I run and grab his arm. “You can’t leave me! You said no more leaving, no more lying!” Tears are streaming down my face.

“I’m not the one who lied this time.” He rips his arm out of my grasp. His voice is emotionless now, “I am not going to be the cause of wrecking your life again.”

I look at his face and I see no emotion at all. He’s like a stone. “Too late for that, Bobby,” I tell him. There is a huge hole in me and it is getting bigger by the moment. I feel like my life is seeping out of me onto the ground. “Do you honestly think being without each other is what either of us needs?” I sink down to the ground. My legs will no longer support me. I wrap my arms around my legs and start rocking. He cannot do this to me again. He loves me, I know he does.

I hear someone running behind me. “What the fuck did you do to her?” Brad yells. He scoops me up off the ground and I cling to him.

“Take care of her,” Bobby says, “Baby, I just need some time.” I whimper when I hear the car door open and I know he is leaving. Brad starts walking away towards the house, I want to jump out of his arms and throw myself at the car but what’s the use? He needs time he said. Can I dare to hope that means he’ll be back?

Jodi rushes up when Brad carries me in. “What the hell happened?”

“I don’t know. She was on the ground crying and he was just standing there watching her.” He puts me down on the couch. “He told me to take care of her and said he needed time.”

Jodi comes over and hugs me. “Lisa, can you tell us?” her voice is very soft and I just lean into her.

I take a few ragged breaths trying to calm down enough to talk. “We walked in when you guys were fighting. He heard Brad say we lost our virginity together. Then he pulled me outside and asked why I hadn’t told him.” The tears are still running down my face. “I told him when it happened and it was like he died inside. He was suddenly so cold. He said he was no good for me and I was better off without him.” I break down again in sobs that wrack my body.

Jodi pulls me close and strokes my hair. “He said he needs time right?” I nod, “Well maybe when he gets a little distance he will see that it doesn’t matter what happened six years ago.”

Brad kneels down in front of me, “I’m sorry, Lisa. I didn’t know you were there or I wouldn’t have said it. I knew you hadn’t told him yet.”

I’m sniffling. “It’s not your fault, Brad. I should have told him.” I turn to Jodi, “I think I just want to go lay down.” I get up and walk to my room. I throw myself onto my bed and grab a pillow to hug close. How did everything go so wrong in such a short amount of time? How can he just leave like that and say he needs time. Time for what? To figure out that we belong together? I thought we already established that. Is this what he’s going to do every time we have a fight? Maybe everyone is right and he is just in my life to cause me pain.

Jodi comes in and climbs in bed with me holding me as I cry. I don’t know how long it takes but eventually I sleep.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Getting up in the morning is hard, my eyes are swollen and I feel like I’ve been run over. My whole body aches and my head is pounding. If I didn’t have a meeting this morning I would just stay in bed. Luckily I can leave a little later than usual since I will be going straight to Daly’s office. I cringe at the thought of seeing Stuart because I know he will ask about Bobby and I don’t know if I can handle that. I’ve resolved nothing. I still don’t understand what happened. If he had been angry and yelled or even hurt and crying I could understand. But to just turn to stone and say that maybe he wasn’t the right one for me? Who does that?

I get myself up and into the shower letting the hot water soothe my body. I am going to need some major make-up to look decent today. I hope John has the coffee started because I need gallons of it. I try to focus my mind on the meeting but my thoughts keep coming back to Bobby. Did he go home last night and think of me? Am I going to hear from him? Should I call him and try to explain? Do I tell him about this big hole in my heart? He told me that I hold his, if that is true then he won’t be able to stay away, right?

I have to stop this and concentrate on my job. After the meeting I can breakdown later, come straight home and crawl back into bed but I have to get through this first. Finally I’m out of the shower and the mirror is all fogged up. Good thing, I really don’t want to look at myself, there are bags under my eyes, just how I want to present myself, haggard looking. I go start getting dressed.

I can’t avoid the mirror in my walk in closet. I stare at the necklace still around my neck, the symbol of his commitment. If he is so committed where is he? I just want to scream and yell at him. Why not stay and work it out? Why take the easy way and leave? I want to rip it off my neck but I don’t because I am still committed to him. I can’t turn off the love. I just want him to talk to me, to work this out, to love me. Okay deep breath. Keep it together at least for the next few hours. I pick out a black pants suit with black pumps and a pale blue shirt. The shirt will show off the necklace.