Wellington Cross (Wellington Cross Series) (25 page)

“Oh, my dear, I do understand.  I was so hoping you and
Ethan could be together again.  I’m so sorry things have turned out the
way they have for you…after you’d just gotten back your memory back,
too.”  I nodded.  “I would be pleased to see you every day, if that’s
what you really want.  And I know Lillie will enjoy her time with you, as
well.  I only wish I’d found you sooner…before Ethan married
Elizabeth.  You’re welcome here anytime, Madeline. I don’t care what
Elizabeth says.  You’re still family, and this is my home.”  I half
smiled at that.  “And you’re welcome to come over here and play the piano
any time you want.  We’d all love that.”

It was a nice thought, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to visit or
play the piano, not as long as Elizabeth was living in this house. 

Clarissa also told me that they would call off the special
dinner she had been planning for me, in light of the circumstances.  The
local people would soon enough recognize who I was without coming to the
plantation.  Perhaps they’d see me at church, if I went.  I was
somewhat worried about what people would be murmuring about me.  They would
wonder where I had been for a whole year.  They would learn that Ethan’s
new wife was with child, and that I was living with my brother, not even able
to live with my own daughter.  It would seem bizarre, for sure.

Clarissa gave me another big hug, and we walked down the hall to
the dining room.  Ethan was there and looked up when I entered the room,
and our eyes met.  His were sad, but they brightened a bit upon seeing me,
if only for a moment.  I wondered if he thought about when he purchased
the dress I was wearing and how happy we were.  It seemed tortuous to wear
it now, when we weren’t happy at all.  Elizabeth wasn’t at the table; she
must still be perched on the sofa in the sitting room.  I was thankful I
didn’t have to sit through the meal looking at her gloating face.

I chose not to sit next to Ethan – that would be too painful –
so instead I sat next to Edward on the other end of the table, where Clarissa
usually sat, she sat where Ethan usually sat, and Ethan sat next to Lillie,
helping her eat.  Lillie would have to get used to not having me sit next
to her at this table.  Luckily, she didn’t protest this time, since I was
still at the table, and she had her father’s attention.

We had some nice leftovers from the dinner meal earlier in the
day that I had missed.  I ate a little, though my stomach was still upset
a bit.  I suspected it would remain so for several days, maybe longer, as
long as I was upset about having to leave Ethan.  It would probably get
better once I put some distance between us.  At least I would get to see
Lillie every day; that would surely help.

I left the table before dessert, and went upstairs to pack a few
things in the trunk that had stored my clothes for a year, weeping silently all
the while.  I packed the comb, brush and mirror set from my mother, my
handkerchiefs, and Ethan’s letters.  The letters would remind me that
although I was apart from the one I loved, I had been apart from him once
before and made it through.  Perhaps I would make it through this time, as
well.  They would also remind me that he did love me…at one time.

All packed, I wiped my face and headed outside to the gazebo to
look over the water one last time…listening to the birds sing their last song
of the day before heading to their homes.  Home.  I’d thought this
was my home.  I had longed for it for a year till I remembered where it
was.  Now I was being taken away from it once again, to go back to my
childhood home.  It seemed like a step backwards, in the wrong
direction.  My home should’ve been with Ethan.  Wouldn’t it be
wonderful if Ethan could come with me to Magnolia Grove with Lillie, and
Elizabeth could stay with Edward and Clarissa?  They could take care of
her, and Ethan could go over and see his baby over there whenever he wanted. 
It seemed like a wonderful idea to me, but I knew Ethan wouldn’t go for
it.  He wouldn’t leave his mother and father and he wouldn’t shirk his
responsibility to Elizabeth, pawn her off on his parents, just to suit himself
or me.  He wasn’t a selfish person.  I, however, was.  I wanted
Ethan and Lillie with me.  We all belonged together, and I would’ve done
anything to keep us all together.  But I had run out of ideas.

I looked out over the fields and at the house and thought about
all the memories I would have to leave behind.  So many memories…why
couldn’t I have remembered a year ago, or even nine months ago when I first met
Jefferson and he showed me my wedding ring?  I supposed it was just as
well I didn’t have that ring; I couldn’t wear it now anyway.  I wondered
if Ethan had annulled his marriage to Elizabeth sooner, and re-married me
before finding out Elizabeth was with child, would he be so quick to send me
away then?  Perhaps not, but things being as they were, I’d never get a
chance to find out.

I went back inside and back upstairs and saw Ethan and Zeke
moving Lillie’s baby bed and clothes – he was apparently moving back in with
Elizabeth.  He looked at me only briefly before glancing away
guiltily.   

I was still standing there in shock, debating if it was time to
leave or not, when he came back down the hall and walked directly to me. 

“Could we talk outside for a moment?” he asked, pointing toward
the gazebo I had just vacated.  I nodded, though I was dreading the
conversation…our last one.

Once outside, I stood next to the railing of the gazebo,
preferring standing to sitting in case I needed to make a quick escape.

I spoke before he did.  “I see you’re moving back in with
her.
”

“I’m moving back down to the second floor, yes, but I’m taking my
old room – the one you’ve been staying in.  I’m not sleeping with
her.  I told you that I never would again, and I meant it.”

“Oh.”  I was surprised and relieved about that.  “I’ve
been thinking about it, and I don’t think I could bear seeing you every day, if
you brought Lillie over.  It would be…most uncomfortable.”  I choked
out my words, looking down at my hands on the railing.  “I think it would
be better if your mother brings her.  I’ve already asked her and she said
she would.”

I looked over at his pained face.  “If that is what you
wish,” he said, “but I don’t know if I can let a day go by without seeing you,
Maddie.”

“Please,” I closed my eyes briefly.  “Please don’t talk to
me intimately anymore.  From now on, I am Madeline to you, not your Maddie,
and not Mrs. Wellington.”  I almost sobbed, but I had to make a clean
break, or I’d never get through this. 

He paled, and I began to regret my harshness already.  He
was quiet for a moment. 

“Actually, I would like to keep your last name, if you don’t
mind, since it is also Lillie’s last name.”

“Of course,” he agreed quietly.

“And
I will always be Lillie’s mother – you may call me that for the rest of my
life.”

“I will still take care of you, if from a distance.  If you
need anything, please let me know.  It would be my honor to help you any
way I can.”

That should have made me happy.  A woman likes to be taken
care of.  Instead, it made me angry and frustrated again.  If he’d
done a better job of taking care of me, I would not have been on that lonesome
road with only Fanny, having Lord knows what happen to me to end up with no
memory for a year and Fanny nowhere to be found.  This was yet another
thing I’d have to forgive him for.

And so my tone turned bitter again.  “You know how it
rained on our wedding day?  I think that was a bad sign.”

“How can you say that?  Our marriage was the best thing
that ever happened to us, besides Lillie.” 

“Maybe so, but if it hadn’t rained, hadn’t been a bad sign, then
perhaps we’d still be married and there would not have been Elizabeth or
Jefferson or anything else separating us.”

He mulled that over uncomfortably.  “Promise me you’ll be
careful and watch yourself…Jeff is still out there.  I will ride by every
day to check on you.  Since you don’t wish to see me, could you leave me a
sign on the porch that I could see in the distance that would let me know
you’re all right?  Perhaps a red cloth or something bright?  Please,
Madeline, allow me the honor of checking to make sure you’re safe.”

“I don’t think so, Ethan.  I’ll not be your
courtesan.  You’re welcome to ask your mother how I’m doing, as she will
see me every day.”  After a pause, I added acidly, “Perhaps if I do see
Jefferson again, I’ll take him up on his offer of proposal, now that I’m a free
woman.”

After kissing Lillie goodbye, I walked down the entrance hall
towards the carriage-front door.  Clarissa, Ethan and Lillie were seeing
me off.  Jake had already packed my trunk on my small carriage and tied
Cinnabar up to it for me.  I turned to say goodbye one last time.

“Mama,” Lillie cried out, reaching for me.  It broke my
heart and took all my strength not to go pick her up in my arms and take her
with me.  Ethan’s eyes filled with tears.  I blew them all a kiss,
swiped away my own hot tears quickly, and walked out the door.  My heart
stayed.

At Ethan’s insistence, he followed behind me on Blackfoot until
we reached my brother’s plantation.  Once I reached the manor, Jonas came
out on the porch.

“Madeline!” he yelled.  He looked at Ethan in the distance
with a confused look on his face, and waved at him.  I turned and looked
back at Ethan, and waved sadly as he took off back towards Wellington.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

I explained the situation to him as he helped me unload my trunk
into the house.  Jonas then took Cinnabar and the carriage over to the
stables where his horse was.  It was beginning to get dark.  I heated
a kettle over the fire in the kitchen house for some hot tea, and once it was
ready, took it outside to sit on the river-side porch.  There were two new
rockers there, one of which I sat down on.  I let the tea cool while I
thought about what I was going to do now.  How was I supposed to live my
life without the man I loved?  It had been different when I’d lost my
memory.  I didn’t know what I was missing…who I was missing.  This
time, I did.

Jonas interrupted my thoughts, coming out on the porch with his
own cup of tea.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked, sitting down on the other rocker,
which he pulled up close to mine.

“No, it’s fine,” I said.  “I could use the company. 
The rockers are nice.  Did you make them?”

“Yes, I did.  I have to keep myself busy around
here.”  He put his hand on top of mine, which was resting on the rocker
arm.  “Don’t worry, little sis.  Things will work out.”

“I keep hearing that, but when’s it really going to happen?” I
asked, exasperated.  “I’ve been hearing it since I first woke up with no
memory a year ago.  I thought it was going to work out then, but I didn’t
get all my memory back for a year.  A whole year of wondering who I was,
where I had come from, and who I loved.  Then, when I finally remembered
who I was, where I wanted to live, and who I wanted to spend the rest of my
life with, it was all taken away from me again.  I have no idea what I’m
going to do.”  I felt tears sting my eyes.

“You’ll take it one day at a time, just like I have been doing
since I lost Lucy,” he said quietly, setting his cup of tea down on the porch
floor.  I put my other hand on top of his, looking at the pain he still
had in his eyes, telling me he still had not gotten over her death
completely.  “And after a while, it won’t hurt as much.”  He knew
from experience.  “I know I wasn’t married to her, and we didn’t have a child,
but I did love her very much.  You’ll still get to see Lillie Rose,
right?  Every day?”  I nodded.  “That will help, too. 
Children have a way of taking your mind off of anything else, or so I’ve been
told.”

I wondered if he regretted not having children.  “Do you
wish you’d had a child with Lucy?” I asked.

He answered without hesitating.  “Yes, I do.  If I had
known what was going to happen to her, I would have married her before going
back to the war, and brought her back here to live with you.  She would
have been safe, and we could have had children.  Lillie could’ve had a
cousin by now.” He had a lot of regrets.

“You can’t blame yourself for her death.  You had no idea
she would get killed.  It was war, a terrible time for us all.  What
if it had been the other way around, and she had survived and you’d been killed
in the war.  Then she’d be a widow and she’d be the one hurting.  And
if she’d been with child, she would be raising it alone now.”

“Sometimes I wish it had been me that died.”

“Oh, Jonas.  Don’t say that.”  I squeezed his
hand. 

“Especially after I thought you had died, too.  I’ve been
terribly lonely, Maddie.  It’s been awful living with the ghosts of my
past in this big old house.”

We were quiet for a moment.  “At least you get to be an
uncle, and now you’ll get to see your niece and your dear sister every
day.”  That got a smile out of him.  “We’ll keep you company, I
promise.”  It was funny how our conversation helped me feel better about
my own situation.  I had someone to talk to who had gone through something
similar. “I really appreciate you letting me stay here.  I know it’s a bit
of a shock.”