What a Woman Needs (30 page)

And no one had ever figured it out. Not even Gran.

“I don’t buy it. You can smile like that at the rest of the world and have them forget what they asked you, but not me. What’s going on, Bryan?”

Okay, so Beth was the exception to that rule. Seemed to be a theme where she was concerned.

“Nothing’s going on, sweetheart. I just want to kiss you so badly, I’m almost afraid I’ll mess it up.”

“Mess it up?” Beth shook her head. “How much wine did you have to drink tonight? You couldn’t mess this up if you tried.”

He was pretty sure he could, which was why he didn’t say a thing and let his actions speak for him, cradling her head in his hands and kissing her. A deep, here-I-am sort of kiss that he poured every ounce of emotion he felt into.

He had to smile when she looked at him with glazed eyes and gasping breath and her fingers trembling against his cheek.

“Oh. My. God,” she said when she finally caught her breath.

At least one of them was able to speak. Him . . . What he felt for her, the possibilities it held for him . . . He was incapable of speech.

“I guess this means dinner is going to get cold?” She cocked her head to the side and nibbled her bottom lip—on purpose.

“It does, but don’t worry. I’ll buy you chicken Marsala again tomorrow night.”

“What if I want something else instead?” The teasing light in her eyes was just what he needed.

God, he loved her. “I’m counting on it, woman.”

S
UNDAY
afternoon came much too fast.

Bryan sat back against the tree with Beth in his arms as the sights and sounds of the park bustled around them, the remnants of their picnic scattered on the blanket. The half-finished bottle of champagne in the ice bucket he’d brought, the strawberries and chocolate, cheese and grapes . . . All the trappings of a romantic date with one final part burning a hole in his pocket.

Gran’s ring.

He’d left Beth’s place to pick up breakfast for them while she’d slept this morning—the only reason he’d been able to leave her was because he’d gone home for that ring—and it’d been talking to him all day.

He wanted to marry her. The decision had come to him in his sleep, and when he’d woken up, he’d known it was the right thing to do. They loved each other; he’d seen it in her eyes when they’d made love last night, felt it in every caress. He knew why she hadn’t said it, knew that she wouldn’t because of his career, and her selflessness made him love her all the more. He
had
to marry her. Had to keep her in his life forever. That was what was important; everything else was just logistics they could work out.

Now he just had to come up with the logistics of asking her to marry him. Something romantic but not cliché.

He had to laugh at himself as he sat on the gingham blanket with a wicker picnic basket, the biggest cliché there was. But it couldn’t be helped; he didn’t have time to plan some elaborate proposal. He wasn’t leaving here to go back on location without knowing Beth was going to be his for the rest of his life. Then he’d head back, work his ass off, and come back to her and the kids as quickly as possible.

“You’re thinking again.” She ran her palm up his calf.

He threaded his fingers through her hair. “If my thoughts are that loud, maybe you ought to tell me what they are.”

She sighed and leaned back against his shoulder. “I don’t want to think about what you’re thinking. I don’t want to think at all because if I do, I’m going to realize that this is almost over. That my kids will be back soon and you’ll have to go back to your movie and all of this will be just a memory.”

Her words were like a stake to his heart. He didn’t want it to be a memory—unless it was one they’d share with their grandchildren.

“Beth.”

She twisted around and put her fingers on his lips. “Don’t, Bryan. Let’s enjoy the fantasy a little longer.”

He kissed her fingers. “Actually, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.”

She pulled her fingers away. “Oh?”

He moved around on the blanket, trying to keep her close, get the ring, and not give the whole thing away before he could ask her.

“Bryan, what are you doing?”

“This.” He pulled out the ring and held it up. “Beth, I love you and I want you in my life forever.” He swallowed a ball of emotion. “As my wife.”

“Oh my God.” Beth touched the ring with trembling fingers.

But she didn’t take it.

“I love you, Beth.” His voice was as shaky as her fingers. “Will you marry me?”

She looked at him, tears welling in her eyes. “Oh, Bryan.”

She still hadn’t taken the ring. And she still hadn’t answered him.

“Mommy!”

It took Bryan a second longer than it took Beth to recognize Maggie’s voice and he barely got the ring into his pocket before Maggie leapt onto her mother.

“Mommy! I missed you!” Maggie’s little face was all scrunched up as she hugged Beth with everything in her.

Bryan could so relate.

“Bryan!”

“Hey, Bryan’s back!”

Tommy and Mark launched themselves onto him and all of a sudden the picnic blanket was covered with Hamiltons.

And their mother still hadn’t answered him.

“What are you doing here, Bryan?”

“Are you back for good?”

“Did you miss me?”

“Was Sherman surprised to see you?”

“Did you clean Mrs. Beecham’s hair out of my dollhouse? I think she’s making a nest in there.”

“Cats don’t make nests, stupid.”

“Don’t call me stupid.”

“Well you are if you think cats make nests.”

“Mommy, Mark called me stupid.”

“Well she is!”

“Guys! Maggie!” Bryan got to his feet. “No one’s stupid just because they don’t know something. It’s an opportunity to learn something, and an opportunity for you guys to be big brothers and teach your sister something new.”

He reached down to help Beth stand, ironically holding her left hand. The one where he wanted to put his ring.

She still hadn’t answered him.

And she didn’t for the next three and a half hours until they got the kids in bed, the grandparents gone, and an awkward silence waltzed into the family room when Beth came down from her last hug from Maggie.

“She said she was scared I wasn’t going to be here when she got home.” Beth grabbed a throw pillow from the sofa and wrapped her arms around it as she sat cross-legged in the corner of it.

“Separation anxiety?”

“Yeah. They all have it, but Maggie’s the most vocal. The twins actually climbed into the same bed when I was reading the nightly comic book. That started right after Mike died and had let up, I thought, about four months ago.”

“And now they’re doing it again.”

“Well, at least for tonight.”

And what if she married him and the media frenzy did this to them as well? She didn’t have to say it, but it was floating between them like a big giant blob of ain’t-gonna-happen-Manley.

“You haven’t answered my question.” Just call him a glutton for punishment. But if this was the end of his dream, he wanted it spelled out for him.

“I know.”

“And?” The fact that he had to prod her like this didn’t bode well.

Neither did the big breath she took nor the way she turned to face him with the pillow clutched to her abdomen. Protective. Alone.

“I want to say yes, Bryan, but I can’t.”

There was a buzzing in his head; he hadn’t really believed she’d say no. He’d known there would be issues, but he’d expected a compromise of some sort. Maybe even talk about him getting out of the industry. But he’d never really believed that the only woman he’d ever wanted to marry would turn him down.

“. . . just me, I’d take the chance, but the kids, Bryan.”

“
Chance
? Take the
chance
?” Bryan leaned forward. “I didn’t ask you to take a
chance
on me, Beth. I asked you to
marry
me. I’m not taking a chance on you; I want to spend my life with you. I want to be part of your family. I’m not taking a chance like . . . like . . . some poker game. I’m dead serious about this and yeah, you’re right. If you’re seeing it as taking a chance, then maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

She put her hand on his knee and he wanted to yank it off because it was too painful to have her touch him and know that he wouldn’t have the right to do this when he left here.

“You weren’t listening to me. “

“I heard you.”

“No, you heard part of what I said.” She put the pillow aside. “I want to say yes, Bryan. I do. And if it were just me, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Because I love you.”

“I know you do. You wouldn’t have made love with me last night if you didn’t. So why are you saying no? You do realize you’re the only woman I’ve ever asked this?”

Adding insult to injury, she put her palm on his cheek. And he let her.

“I know. And I love that you did, but your life, Bryan . . . We’ve talked about this. I can’t subject the kids to it. They’ve lived in the spotlight and they didn’t handle it well. Maggie still has nightmares.”

Bryan closed his eyes for a second, willing himself to calm down. He had to think of the kids. As a parent, even a stepparent, he had to think of the kids’ well-being. “You haven’t mentioned any since I’ve been here.”

“Bryan, it’s only been a few weeks.”

“That she hasn’t had any. Since I’ve been here, right?”

“Well, no, but—”

“No buts, Beth. Maybe she’s stopped having them because she wants me in her life.”

“Oh she wants you. They all want you. They love you. But they don’t really realize what your lifestyle entails. I, however, do. I’ve been down that road. Every move scrutinized. Every word commented on and analyzed and perhaps twisted in a completely different meaning because it makes good copy. I can’t tell you how many times I had to turn off the television when a news report would come in or a sighting of my kids would happen and they’d be plastered all over the screen. You might have thought Mike had robbed Ft. Knox or had downed a keg before getting on that plane with all the coverage of the accident. Everywhere we turned, there were cameras. And your life
invites
cameras. The kids don’t understand that, but as their parent, I have to.”

“But maybe it’ll be different now that I’m in the picture.”

“You being in
our
picture isn’t the problem. It’s the
other
picture you’re in that will be the issue.”

“So I’ll quit.” And damn if he didn’t mean it. Beth and the kids were more important to him than any movie.

“That’ll only make the situation worse. The media will jump all over it.”

“Okay, so I’ll finish this picture and then that’ll be it. I’ll retire.”

She cocked her head and where he used to find it cute, now he didn’t. Now he wanted her to go along with him and see his reasoning, not argue with him.

“Bryan, they’re not going to let you go. You retiring will be big news. And the reason you retired will be
bigger
news. We aren’t going to be able to avoid the spotlight if I say yes to you.”

She was right and this wasn’t an argument he hadn’t thought of himself, but dammit, why did it have to be one or the other? Why couldn’t they compromise and work something out? She loved him, he loved her, the kids liked him, and God knew he loved them . . . This couldn’t be the end.

“The constant limelight isn’t fair to the kids, Bryan. It’s bad enough navigating adolescence with Twitter and Facebook, and heaven forbid if they do something careless online and the press gets wind of it. Things we did as kids that weren’t recorded for posterity on YouTube. I can’t risk it, Bryan. I’ve finally gotten them to this place; being engaged to you could send us right back to square one.”

She was right; he knew it. The constant spotlight could be hard to deal with—and
he’d
sought it out. The kids, on the other hand . . . Beth was an amazing mother to put her children’s needs ahead of hers—and that only made him love her more.

It also made him do the same thing because he loved them, too. “Maybe when they’re older—”

“You’re going to wait until Maggie turns eighteen? That’s thirteen years from now, Bryan. I’m not going to let you do that. You deserve to have a family. Kids. A wife who can give you all of that without all the baggage I carry. I can’t be that woman for you.”

Her voice broke, the first sign that she wasn’t as resolute in her decision as she was trying to make it seem.

This was as hard for her as it was for him. There ought to be some comfort in that . . . but there wasn’t. There wasn’t anything comforting about this entire situation.

Bryan pulled her into his arms. “I’m not going to apologize for asking you, Beth.”

“I don’t want you to. I love you, Bryan. But I can’t marry you, and you’ll never know just how sorry I am to have to say that.”

“Oh, I think I have a fairly good idea.” He kissed her temple and rested his chin on her head. “This isn’t a one-and-done offer, you know.”

She stiffened. “Please, Bryan, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just not feasible. My kids have been through enough. As much as they like you, the fishbowl will get to them. We’ve already lived it; we know.”

“I hate that you do.”

“I know.”

“I hate that my career is going to be the thing that comes between us.”

“Me, too.”

“But there’s no way around it, is there?”

“I can’t think of one.”

“I love you, Beth.”

She squeezed him tight. “I love you, too. Thank you for this weekend. For the memories. For making me
feel
again. For loving me.”

“Always, Beth. Always.” Three words. That was all he was capable of because tears were threatening to choke him.

Dammit. Life had been just fine when he’d thought he’d had everything he wanted. Now that he knew he didn’t—and that he
couldn’t—
he was going to have to adjust. Make some changes. Find something to fill the void. Not
someone
because no one could take Beth’s place in his heart. He just hoped that someday there’d be room in it for someone else. And five different kids . . .

“Mommy? Where are you?” Maggie hopped down the front stairs. The stairs he and Beth had . . .

He pulled away from Beth. It’d be okay for Maggie to see them like that if they were going to move forward as a couple, but since they weren’t . . .

“I can’t sleep.” Maggie appeared in the doorway in her nightgown, her curls all fuzzy around her head, and her thumb half in her mouth. “Bryan!” The thumb came out. “You’re still here!”

“Hi, Mags.” He held open his arms. One last hug. That’s all he wanted from her.