What Happens Tomorrow (25 page)

What if we try to have a baby and something happens?

I’m awakened from my thoughts by the loud ping of an incoming text. Of course, it’s from Tyler.

T:
I just wanted to tell you I miss you. Not used to being away from you. Can’t wait to wrap my arms around you and kiss the hell out of you. xo

Slowly, I run the pad of my finger across my bottom lip. I can’t wait to feel him kiss the hell out of me either.

Mmmmm.

TYLER SHOWS UP at my door after work with pizza and cold beers in hand. I can’t contain how much I’ve missed him today. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him hard.

“Whoa, Brooke.” He laughs as he pulls back from the tight grip I have around his neck. “There’s nothing I want more than to kiss my gorgeous girl senseless, but it’s been a long day and I’m starving. If you keep it up, the pizza’s going to end up on the floor along with the beer and then we will both be starving and thirsty,” he says with a wink.

I move my hands from his neck to his cheeks, looking deeply into his eyes. “You say that like it would be a bad thing. We could always eat out later.” I wrinkle my nose.

After ravenously finishing dinner, we curl up on the couch, our stomachs full, and I relax my head against him as he tenderly runs his fingers through my hair. He looks incredibly sexy right now, wearing his dark rimmed glasses and a day’s worth of stubble.

“You know, I have an idea that I want to run by you.” He leans down to kiss my head, but I move to claim his lips with mine.

“Mmmmm I think I had the same idea.”

“Well…that’s not quite the idea I have in mind, but it’s definitely doable.” He laughs as he sits me up, then goes completely silent.

“What’s wrong?” I question, running the tips of my fingers down his slightly spiky jaw. His look has changed from playful to serious in a matter of seconds.

 “Nothing’s wrong, I just have a question I want to ask you.” He pulls a small, purple, velvet box from his pants pocket.

A jewelry box.

“Relax, Brooke,” he says reassuringly as he kisses the tip of my nose. “Breathe, baby.”

I’ve never been one to have a poker face. “What is this, Tyler?” I question, trying to reel in the panic attack I feel coming on. Effortlessly, he lifts me up onto his lap. “What are you doing?”

“Listen, I want to run an idea by you, see how you feel. First off, you know how much I love you and I know that you love me. I’ve been thinking a lot lately that it’s pointless for us to keep two apartments. For the most part, we’re usually here at your place with Charlie, so…” He sighs anxiously. “I was thinking…maybe we should move in together.”

I don’t know what to say. This is such a huge step in our relationship. “I—”

“Shhh, don’t interrupt. Just listen.” He carefully opens the little box to reveal a ring. Not your typical engagement ring. This ring is white gold and in the shape of the infinity sign. Encrusted with tiny diamonds, it isn’t gaudy or flashy; just simple and elegant.
Stunning.

“Brooke, this is a promise ring. My promise, that my love for you is neverending. I’m not asking you to marry me…not right now because I know you aren’t ready. But this ring is my promise to you that one day, when you’re ready, I will ask you to be my wife.”

I grab his face roughly in my hands and kiss him with all that I have. I want him to feel the love I have for him in my heart. Pulling away, he euphorically smiles and slides the ring onto my ring finger, placing a benevolent kiss on it.

“Now you know I meant it when I told you I promise to spend my life with you. What do you think about us moving in together? I don’t ever want to spend another night without you beside me.”

I look down at the beautiful ring on my finger and my heart feels complete. “Yes…yes! I want us to move in together.” I hug him tightly, burying my head into his neck. “I love you, Tyler.” He may not have proposed tonight, but his promise to propose was more heartfelt and romantic then when Matt asked me. Most young girls expect a proposal like in the movies, all hearts and flowers. Sadly, mine was nothing like a movie proposal, not even close, but I was young and in love, so I told myself that it was perfect.

Matt and I have been dating for a couple of years. Things are going great
between us. We’ve talked about marriage but not in any detail; more like an assumption that the next step in our relationship will be marriage.

Isn’t that what you do when you’re young and in love?

I’ve gone over to Matt’s place for the night because his roommate Josh is staying with a friend downtown. We order in Chinese and rent a movie—an action movie, of course, because Matt never watches chick flicks. He is a man’s man. After the movie finishes and I’m done cleaning up our dishes, I snuggle back up on the couch with him, but he seems kind of antsy.

“I have something I need to ask you. Sit up for a sec.”

I oblige and sit up, my hands, resting on my lap. What’s going on Matt?”

Picking my left hand up and intertwining our fingers, he nonchalantly blurts out,“I love you and I know you love me. We’ve talked about getting married and I just thought...why wait? Let’s do it. Let’s get married. What do you say, babe?”

I’ve dreamed about this moment for so long. I throw my arms around Matt’s neck and kiss him hard. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out what looks like an antique ruby and diamond ring. The ruby isn’t very big and has seen better days. It’s surrounded by twelve small diamonds and set on a thin gold band. It’s nothing like I’ve envisioned my engagement ring to be, but it’s still beautiful.

“This belonged to my grandmother. My mom thought it would be nice to keep it in the family, like an heirloom. Something that could be passed down for her grandson to propose with.”

And there she is…Matt’s mom, trying to control the situation as always. I wonder what else Anna will try to control once we’re married. “It’s beautiful, Matt. I’m honored to wear it.” He kisses my hand. “Good thing my mom had it. Do you know how much money she saved me by giving me Nana’s ring?”

Did I hear him right? He agreed to give me his Nana’s ring so that he didn’t have to spend any money?

“Babe, next time you go into the kitchen can you grab me another beer?” he asks, holding up his empty green bottle. So much for a romantic proposal.

I waited a few days, hoping he’s planned something romantic, but he hasn’t. I resign myself to the fact that Matt does love me, but he will never be the mushy hearts and flowers type of guy I watch in my chick flicks.

I’M HAVING ONE of
those
days.

I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Since getting back from Oregon, Tyler’s been swamped at work and I miss him like crazy. After spending every waking moment together for ten days, I find it hard to be away from him. I miss our daily walks along the beach, cuddled up together in the warm summer sand. My therapist warned me that no matter how well my life was going there was a good chance there would be times I’d suffer from bouts of depression.

I guess today is one of those days.

I toy with the idea of taking one of my anti-anxiety pills to calm me down, but I don’t like to take them if I don’t have to. I’m doing better, so there’s no need to take them if I don’t have to. I’m not broken like I was before. Maybe I should try some meditation.

The telephone rings but, I don’t feel like getting up to answer it. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath in as I try to focus on happy things: our trip, the feel of the sand between my toes and how it felt waking in Tyler’s arm after we made love for the first time. Again, the phone rings, waking me from my day dream.

I decide I can’t lie in bed all day. A hot shower and a long walk with my little man will help my mood. As I stand under the steady stream of hot water, I think back to a little girl I watched on the beach in Oregon. She looked to have been around the same age as Katelin was before I lost her. Running along the sand from a little boy I assume was her older brother, her innocent giggles could be heard across the beach. My heart ached, thinking about that little girl and the little girl I lost.

I miss my daughter.

Her laughter.

Her sloppy kisses.

The way it felt to have her precious little arms wrapped around my neck when she told me “Wubs you, Mama.”

The heave in my chest builds as I let out one giant sob that nearly pulls my feet out from under me, and I need to lean against the tiled shower wall to support myself. Carefully, I slide myself down until I’m sitting on the floor of the tub directly underneath the stream of water. I can’t tell how hard I’m crying because of the water flowing down my head.

Will I ever get the chance to know what it feels like to be so connected to another life so strongly again that it consumes me? I never thought I’d ever want another baby. For so long I though it would mean I was trying to replace Katelin, but I know differently now. Tyler would never let that happen.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting on the floor of the shower but my heart nearly jumps out of my throat when my bathroom door opens. “Jesus Brooke, I’ve been trying to call you for hours. Why in the hell didn’t you answer your pho…”

Peering up through the cascading water I see him standing there, wearing his signature crisp, white, linen shirt and navy suit pants just like he was the first time I saw him.

My heart sinks.

I don’t want him to see me like this.

Damaged.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” The only strength I can muster is to shake my head. He leans his body into the shower, the water turning his white shirt see-through and sticking to his chest, then quickly turns the water off. He removes a plush bath towel off the shelf, quickly encasing my body and picks me up into his arms.

“Shh…it’s okay, baby. I have you. It’s all gonna be okay… promise, but first we need to get you warm. How long were you in there for? The water was freezing.”

I don’t say a word. I just sob with my head pressed firmly against the crook of his neck. He carries me into the bedroom, tucking my achingly-cold body into bed before quickly discarding his damp shirt on the floor and climbing in behind me. The love and security of his arms encase me as I try to warm my frozen body. I flip myself around, burying my face into the familiar feel of chest as he calmly rubs my back.

“I’m here, baby. I’m not going anywhere.” Not only are his words reassuring, but the tender feel of his lips lingering against my forehead as he holds me tight in his embrace makes me feel safe.

I suck in a ragged breath before closing my eyes, inhaling his familiar scent.

So musky.

So manly.

So Tyler.

My eyes are heavy, and I decide there’s no point in fighting the inevitable, so I close them, listening to the sound of his beating heart.

He’s real.

And he loves me.

When I wake up, I’m still safely tucked in his arms. I carefully pull myself back and I’m rewarded with sleepy blue eyes smiling back at me. “Hi,” he cautiously says.