What He Bargains (What He Wants, Book Nineteen) (45 page)

Did she even want to forgive him for his past mistakes?

Maybe not, maybe it was easier to keep hating him. He’d sounded so nice, so Caleb-like on the cell phone, his voice light and friendly. It made her remember that once upon a time he had seemed to be kind and generous and loving.

She’d believed in his feelings for her, she’d actually thought he loved her.

And then he’d showed that video to Andre and allowed Andre to say all of those terrible lies about her. Caleb had never stood up and defended her, he’d silently stood by while Andre tore apart her reputation.

Finally, Raven snapped out of her daze and went to the bathroom to freshen up before meeting him at Starbucks.

She had nothing to prove, but small part of her still wanted to show Caleb that she’d done just fine despite his abandoning her when she’d needed him most. She’d gotten over him and thrived, despite it all.

By the time she was heading out to Starbucks, Raven was feeling almost chipper. Maybe this could be the start of a new beginning for her. She had a wonderful apartment in Boston (thanks to Jake) and plenty of money (thanks again to Jake).

For the first time in a long time, she could sit back and take a breath without worrying how she was going to survive.

There was nothing bad happening, really.

Well, other than the fact that you can’t stop thinking about Jake Novak and wishing you were still with him
.

But that needed to be put to rest, also. Raven walked into the coffee shop with her head held high, determined to be proud and confident. All of those men had tried to bring her down and they’d all failed.

She was still strong and she was still standing.

Raven ordered an iced coffee with sugar free vanilla syrup and whole milk. A few minutes later she was sitting with her cold drink and sipping out of the straw, watching as people came in and out of Starbucks and trying to decide what their lives might be like.

Some people looked stoic, others stressed, still others were laughing and joking or completely caught up in texting on their phones. It was enjoyable to just sit and observe, to feel safe and warm and relaxed enough to make up stories about them.

Raven realized that ever since the scandal four years ago, she’d been completely consumed with trying to prove her worth, trying to show everyone that she wasn’t a loser, a slut, a liar or a whore.

She’d also been trying to make ends meet in an expensive area of Massachusetts, with no high school or college degree, and it had taken a toll on her.

Now she finally had enough space and freedom to take stock of things.

You owe all of this newfound freedom to Jake.

But Raven didn’t want to think about Jake—it was all still too raw and painful. Instead, she sipped her drink and refocused on the people around her, smiling a little as she watched the lives playing out in real time, feeling somehow removed and apart, yet also comfortingly included in the human race.

When Caleb first walked through the door, Raven was surprised to find that she was glad to see him.

He was wearing a light blue sweater, jeans, and Converse sneakers. He had those thick, black-rimmed glasses on that used to be considered nerdy but were now the height of hipster fashion. His hair was mussed, but he did look handsome, there was no denying it.

Caleb’s just a boy compared to Jake.

It was true, there was still something young and immature in the way he carried himself, the way he smiled bashfully when they finally made eye contact. “Hey,” Caleb said. He had a messenger bag slung over his shoulder.

“Hey,” she replied. “You made it.”

“I did,” he said, slipping off his bag and hanging it over the chair across from her. “I’m going to grab myself a coffee. You want anything?”

“No.” She shook her head.

“You sure? You’re not hungry?”

“No,” she said again, trying to be assertive in her decision, even as she realized that her stomach did feel kind of empty. But she wasn’t willing to let Caleb buy her something—she didn’t want to feel like he’d done her any favors.

Caleb shrugged, and strolled over to the line at the register, whistling a faint tune as he went.

Raven didn’t want to watch Caleb as he ordered at the register. Looking at him for too long gave her a strange feeling of déjà vu, recalling times when they’d gone to the mall together or for a slice of pizza back in high school.

It was all too strange, like she’d jumped into a time machine and accidentally travelled back to when she was seventeen.

He returned to the table not long after, and dropped a package of chocolate graham crackers on the table in front of her. She looked at him as he sat down opposite her, grinning, holding an iced coffee as if to show her how alike they still were.

“I told you I wasn’t hungry,” she said, but couldn’t help the fact that she was glad he’d bought it for her. She opened the plastic wrapper and slid out a cookie, biting into it and tasting sweet dark chocolate.

“Yeah, but I remembered how much you love chocolate.”

Raven chewed on her graham cracker, took a sip of coffee. “Okay, Caleb. What did you want to say to me?”

“Wow, you get right to the point.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I didn’t come here to chat and pretend we’re old friends catching up. You told me you wanted some kind of closure.” She sat and waited for his reply.

Caleb brushed his bangs away from his face. She noticed he had the tiniest lines starting around the corners of his eyes and mouth, and it was disconcerting. It was as if she was suddenly able to see him as he was now, rather than superimposing the Caleb she remembered on top of him.

The reality was that Caleb looked different. His face was fuller, and somehow a little tired, like life had gotten the best of him over the last four years.

“First of all, I didn’t know Andre was going to pull that crap the other night at the bar,” Caleb said.

“Andre’s been pulling that kind of crap ever since we were kids,” she said. “I don’t think you can keep claiming ignorance.”

“You’re right,” Caleb said, nodding. “The truth is, I’ve always been afraid to leave Andre behind. We were always best friends since second grade. And as we got older, he got weirder and weirder but I didn’t want to see it. I felt like I needed him.”

“I don’t care if you stay friends with him,” Raven said. “But you know who he is, and you’ve known for a long time.”

“I can’t argue that,” Caleb said. “I should have kicked Andre to the curb a long time ago for the things he did, especially to you. You didn’t deserve any of it, Raven.” He looked intently into her eyes and she realized he meant it.

“Thanks for saying that,” Raven whispered, surprised that his words did actually help her a little bit.

“I never meant for that video to get out,” Caleb said. He leaned forward and one of his hands crept forward on the table.

Raven sat back. “You must’ve showed it to Andre.”

He shook his head. “No, I never did. He looked through my phone and found it, sent it to himself and then started passing it around. By the time I realized what he’d done, Andre had already told half the school and made up the whole story.”

“You could’ve stood up for me, told everyone it was a lie. All you had to do was say that I never did any of that,” she told him, her voice starting to shake with emotion.

Caleb looked away from her, blinking. He wiped at his upper lip. “I was scared,” he said. “Andre and the other guys told me if I got them in trouble that they’d fuck me up, beat my ass, all that good stuff.”

“Nice friends you have,” she muttered.

“I never said they were nice,” Caleb said, and his voice betrayed anger for the first time.

Raven stared at him. In all the time she’d known him, he’d never gotten angry. He’d always been mellow, passive, and even when everything had fallen apart amidst the lies and lawsuits and scandal, he’d never lost his temper.

The few times she’d tried to discuss things with him when all the lies first began circulating, Caleb’s blasé attitude had infuriated her. It was as though he’d just refused to see what his silence was doing to her, how he appeared to be backing up the lies his friends were telling about her.

“I just don’t understand why,” she said. “Why did Andre make up all of those lies about me and why is he still doing it?”

Caleb took a deep breath. “Back in high school, I didn’t really know why he did any of it. But I think I’ve figured it out, especially after what happened at the bar.”

Raven saw that he was growing uncomfortable, maybe even nervous. “It’s okay, Caleb. You can tell me.”

He wiped a hand across his face. “It’s weird,” he said, “and pretty embarrassing, too.”

“Sounds like you just described every day of my life,” she joked, trying to lighten the mood. Of course, she was curious, desperately wanting answers as to what had caused all of the madness four years ago.

Caleb met her gaze again, and he seemed determined now to tell her the truth. “Andre and I had a big argument after what happened at the bar with you and Jake Novak. I really let him have it when I was driving him home. For the first time in my life, I didn’t pull any punches. I told him that he was a psycho and I was done being friends with him.”

“Wow,” Raven said, “that must have been difficult.”

Caleb smiled bitterly. “You know it was way past due, Raven.”

She smiled back at him. “I’m trying to be nice.”

“I appreciate that.” He took a sip from his coffee and then put the cup down and spun it idly. Condensation dripped down the sides and pooled around it on the table. “Anyway,” he continued, “Andre showed up at my door later that night, drunk as hell. He was crying, telling me we had to talk and work things out, that he couldn’t stand to have me mad at him.”

Raven’s mouth was open as she listened. “What did you say?”

Caleb laughed. “I told him to get the hell away from me. I said that I was going to call the cops if he didn’t leave. And that’s when he said the weirdest thing yet.”

Raven already had an inkling of what Caleb was going to tell her, but she didn’t want to interrupt him, not when he was finally going to speak the truth.

Caleb shook his head, as if just recalling it was leaving a terrible taste in his mouth. “Andre told me that he was in love with me.” Caleb stared at her with wide eyes. “Can you believe that?”

“Actually,” she said, “I kind of can believe it.” She thought some more. “It explains a lot about why he acted the way he did.”

“Maybe you can,” Caleb said, “but I couldn’t. I told him to go home and sober up, but Andre just kept saying that he loved me, that he’d always loved me since we were little kids. And then he tried to approach me, like…I don’t know…I think he was going to try and kiss me.”

Raven half wanted to laugh, half wanted to cry. It was pathetic and sad and also tragic in a way. She had hated Andre for years, and still did, in many ways. Yet she couldn’t help feel bad for him at the same time.

“I suppose he wanted to break us up because he was in love with you,” Raven said. “And he didn’t know how else to express it. He was jealous of me, and my relationship with you, so he tried to destroy me and run me out of the picture.”

“Yeah, and the fucked up thing is that it worked.” Caleb sat back in his chair, his hands were curled into tight fists. “When I think about what I let him get away with—it makes me insane, Raven.”

“We were kids, Caleb. We were seventeen.”

“Yeah, it’s no excuse.” His face was drawn, his eyes tired, as if the conversation had taken something out of him. “I don’t know why I was so afraid of Andre, afraid of just standing up to those guys back then. And I don’t really understand why I never left, and I just stuck around town and kept hanging with that same old crowd.”

“Maybe you didn’t think you could make it on your own,” Raven said. “I know it was hard for me. Almost impossible.”

“But now look at you,” Caleb said, smiling, his eyes lighting up as he looked at her. “You’ve really done something with yourself. You got away from all the bullshit, and you’re living in the city, living your own life, and you’re more beautiful and amazing than ever.”

She felt her cheeks flush. “It’s not quite that simple.”

“Are you and Jake Novak still seeing each other?” he asked.

She looked away from him, then, not knowing what was motivating his question. “We probably shouldn’t get into all of that,” she said.

“Okay, I won’t push. I was just curious.”

“Funny thing is,” Raven said, “I think you would like Jake. If you two had met under different circumstances.”

Caleb nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, well, I do like him, from the little I’ve seen of him.”

“All you saw him do was fight your friends.”

“Exactly,” Caleb said, and his jaw tightened. His eyes were moist and he looked away, taking a long drink from his coffee, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.

“Listen, I should go,” Raven sighed. “I’m glad you came and we had a chance to talk though.”

Caleb looked back at her again. “I’m actually going to be in town for a few days.”

“Really? Why?”

He shrugged. “I’ve got some job interviews,” he said.

Her eyebrows shot up. “You’re going to move to Boston?”

“Maybe.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “At least I’m going to give it a shot, put myself out there and see what happens. Like you did.”

She laughed and shook her head. “Caleb, it’s not that simple.”

“Maybe if you have a free minute we can get together again before I leave town?”

“I don’t know,” she said, uncertainly. It felt too fast to already be making plans to see him again.

Caleb seemed to understand her reservations. “Well, you have my number now. Text me if you want. I should be around in between interviews.”

“Okay. Maybe.” She got up and started to leave.

“Hey, Raven,” he called, turning in his seat to look at her.

She spun around and waited. “Yeah?”

“Thanks for being so awesome,” he said, loud enough that the other patrons turned and stared for a moment.