What to Expect the First Year (96 page)

“Our little girl used to be happy being held by anyone. Now she freaks out whenever someone new tries to be friendly—and she won't even let her grandparents come near her. What's going on?”

Has your once pliable infant suddenly started taking a pass on Pass the Baby? Being antisocial with strangers may seem strange behavior for someone who's always gone happily to the nearest lap, but this social snubbery isn't snobbery—it's a sign of maturity, and it's perfectly normal at this stage of development. When your little one was younger, she was a lot less picky about the peeps she hung out with. Now that she's a tad older and a wee bit wiser, she's clued in to the fact that mommy and daddy are the most important people in her life. Everyone else—even the grandparents she once adored—takes a backseat, and preferably, from her perspective, a seat as far away as possible.

The official term for this phenomenon is stranger anxiety, and it can begin at 6 months or even earlier, though it usually peaks around 9 months or so. This sudden shyness and newfound clinginess will pass, and in time your daughter will realize that she doesn't have to choose between you and others. But until then, don't push her to be Miss Congeniality. You'll have much better luck (and many fewer tears) if you let her socialize at her own pace, on her own terms.

In the meantime, give family members and friends a heads-up on what's going on in your little one's head, which will also help head off any hurt feelings. Tell them it's not personal—your baby is just going through an anxious phase and needs time to warm up. Coach them on how to woo your cutie. For example, suggest that instead of trying to pick her up right away, they talk quietly and move closer at a snail's pace. You can also invite relatives and friends to play peekaboo with her or entice her with a toy while you hold your baby on your lap, the place she feels safest.

If that doesn't melt her resistance, be patient. Forcing her to come face-to-face with her anxiety—and those strangers—will only feed it. It'll be less stressful for everyone if you let your suddenly shrinking violet decide when and where to open up. And eventually she will.

“For the last couple of months, our baby has become more and more attached to his little monkey blanket. He even drags it around when he's crawling. Does needing a security object mean he's insecure?”

Your baby is a little insecure—but he has his reasons. With independent mobility (whether in the form of crawling, scooting, cruising, or—eventually—walking) comes the realization that he's not just an extension of you and your arms, not just a part of the mommy-and-daddy package. He's his own separate little person, who can separate (or be separated) from you at any time. Like many discoveries he's making right now, that epiphany is equal parts exhilarating and unsettling. How does he strike out on all fours without giving up the comforting security your two arms have always offered? Simple: by bringing along a friend. This comfort (or transitional, or security) object, aka “lovey,” serves as a mommy or daddy substitute—a surrogate who can fill in as needed (say, when he's busy playing and you're busy working). Usually the object is small and snuggly (an easy-to-clutch blanket or stuffed animal), though some babies latch on to something less obvious, like a cloth diaper, a washcloth, a t-shirt, or even a decidedly uncuddly toy. Some comfort objects come and go, others are clung to for years. Often, little ones give up their security blankets or toys by the time they're 2 to 5 years old, though a few children end up attached through the school years—and possibly even toting their tattered friend to college (discreetly, of course). Parting with a lovey—whether by choice or by necessity (as when it disintegrates into a pile of threads or puffs of cotton)—is often tough, but sometimes barely noticed.

For now, let your baby have the security he craves—no need to set limits on its use except for safety's sake (blankets and stuffed animals don't belong in cribs) and practicality (blankets and stuffed animals aren't so cuddly when they've been dunked in the tub). Also, for everyone's comfort, consider these comfort object policies:

Keep it clean.
This is easier to do if you start from the early stages of your baby's devotion: Wash the object often, before he becomes just as attached to its smell as he is to its sight and feel. Can't pry his fingers off his monkey lovey during waking hours? Wash it while he's asleep.

Save a spare.
Invest in a duplicate lovey (or two) to keep in reserve and swap it for the original whenever you need to wash one so that they wear evenly. Plus, now you have a backup in case the unthinkable happens (the lovey is
inadvertently dropped at the mall, never to be seen again).

Heap on the love.
Bring on the cuddles and snuggles as much as possible so your little one gets the comfort and attention he needs from you. But don't worry that his love of his lovey is a sign that he's not getting enough love from you—it's just that he needs a little something-something on the side.

Some babies never latch on to a comfort object of any kind—or even a comfort habit of any kind—and that's normal, too.

Babies love to play games, especially when someone else (you!) is in on the fun. But peekaboo and this little piggy do more than just bring squeals of delight and entertain. They also improve socialization skills and teach important concepts such as object permanence (peekaboo), coordination of words and actions (The Itsy-Bitsy Spider, pat-a-cake), counting skills (One, Two, Buckle My Shoe), and language skills (eyes-nose-mouth).

Chances are that even if you haven't heard a nursery game in decades, many of the ones your parents played with you will come back to you now that you're a parent yourself. If they don't, ask for a replay (a parent never forgets) or turn to Google or your message board buddies.

Here are a few that might ring a baby bell:

Peekaboo.
The classic of all classics: Cover your face (with your hands, the corner of a blanket, a piece of clothing, a menu in a restaurant, or by hiding behind a curtain or the foot of the crib) and say, “Where's Daddy?” Then uncover your face and say, “Peekaboo, I see you!” An alternative version: Say “peekaboo” when you cover your face, “I see you” when you uncover it. Either way, be ready to repeat and repeat until you collapse … most babies have an insatiable appetite for this game.

Pat-a-cake (or other clapping games).
There are plenty of variations on clapping games—and babies are fans of each and every one. How to play? Put your baby's hands in yours, and try bringing them together in a clapping motion. At first, your baby's hands will probably not open wide enough to clap (and for little fist-suckers, may end up in the mouth), but in time the ability to hold the hands flat will finally come, probably not until the end of the year. Until then, you can do the clapping—and the singing, of course. Clap to that time-honored favorite, pat-a-cake: “Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man, bake me a cake as fast as you can. Mix it, and pat it, and mark it with a B, and put it in the oven for baby and me!” (Or substitute baby's name, as in, “and mark it with a C and put it in the oven for Caitlin and me.”) Or add a hiding game to the clapping by singing, “Clap your hands, one-two-three, play a clapping game with me. Now your hands have gone away, find your hands so we can play.” Or you can try clapping baby's feet, for a change of pace. And don't
forget a chorus of “yay!” at the end of each round.

The Itsy-Bitsy Spider.
Use your fingers—the thumb of one hand to the pointer finger of the other—to simulate a spider climbing up an invisible web, and sing: “The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout.” Then, use your fingers to imitate rain falling, and continue: “Down came the rain and washed the spider out.” Throw your arms up and out for “Out came the sun and dried up all the rain.” And then back to square one, the spider goes back up the web and you end with “And the itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout again.” You can hold baby's hands while you play, too.

This Little Piggy.
Take baby's thumb or big toe and start with “This little piggy went to market.” Move on to the next finger or toe, “This little piggy stayed home.” And the next, “This little piggy had roast beef” (or if you're a vegetarian, “pasta”), fourth finger, “This little piggy had none.” As you sing the final line, “And this little piggy cried wee, wee, wee, all the way home,” run your fingers up baby's arm or leg to under the arms or neck, gently tickling all the way. If your baby doesn't like tickling, just use a stroking motion instead. Expect endless squeals from your little piggy.

So Big.
Ask, “How big is baby?” (or use child's name, the dog's name, or a sibling's name), help your baby spread his or her arms as wide as possible, and exclaim, “So big!”

Eyes-nose-mouth.
Take both baby's hands in yours, touch one to each of your eyes, then both to your nose, then to your mouth (where you end with a kiss), naming each feature as you move along: “Eyes, nose, mouth, kiss.” Nothing teaches these body parts faster.

Ring Around the Rosie, baby edition.
Make this preschool favorite baby-friendly by adapting it for the lap. Hold your baby in a standing position on your lap and sing, “Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down!” at which point you help him or her plop down to sitting. A variation is to substitute “hopscotch, hopscotch” for “ashes, ashes” and to pop your lap (and baby) up at each one. You can also play a traditional Ring Around the Rosie while holding baby in your arms—standing and turning in a circle before plopping down on the floor together.

One, Two, Buckle My Shoe.
When climbing stairs or counting fingers, sing, “One, two, buckle my shoe. Three, four, close the door. Five, six, pick up sticks. Seven, eight, close the gate. Nine, ten, start again.”

Pop Goes the Weasel.
You can turn slowly in a circle with baby if you're standing, or rock him or her back and forth if you're seated, as you sing, “All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel. The monkey thought it was all in fun …” Then, “pop goes the weasel!” as you gently bounce baby with the pop. Once baby is familiar with the song, wait a moment or two before the bounce and the “punch line” to give him or her a chance to do the popping. Remember, a baby's reaction time is likely to be delayed a few beats to allow for processing.

The only thing about baby that might be slowing slightly this month is appetite—at least, any appetite for sitting out long stints in the high chair. Most babies-on-the-go would much rather explore the living room (and the kitchen, and the hallway closet) than the high chair tray. Like any good explorer, baby's determined to reach previously uncharted territory—which often means doing some climbing. Unfortunately, the ability to climb up comes long before the ability to climb back down—often leaving baby stranded. Baby understands “no” but may just be starting to test your limits by defying it—or may already be a master at tuning the word out. Memory improves, and fears (which go hand in hand with increased cognitive skills, aka smarts) begin to multiply—for instance, of the vacuum cleaner, the lawn mower, or the blender (not so smooth if you're a fan of smoothies).

Baby Basics at a Glance: Tenth Month

Sleeping.
Your little snoozer will be sleeping an average of 10 to 12 hours per night and taking 2 naps during the day, each around 1½ to 2 hours long, for an average total of around 14 hours each day. The good news? Nearly 75 percent of babies are sleeping through the night by now. If yours is still part of the 25 percent, and you're ready to move on to sleep teaching,
click here
.

Eating.
Breast milk or formula is still the most important part of baby's diet, but solids are beginning to take on more significance, so try to make them count nutritionally.

• Breast milk. Your baby will nurse around 4 times a day (some babies will breastfeed more often). Total intake will still tally up at somewhere between 24 and 30 ounces of breast milk a day, though as more solids are added, baby will drink less.

• Formula. Your baby will probably drink 3 to 4 bottles a day, filled with 7 to 8 ounces of formula, for a total of 24 to 30 ounces per day (some babies drink less formula more often). As more solids are added to the diet, baby will drink less—closer to the 24-ounce mark.

• Solids. Baby will probably lap up around ¼ to ½ cup each of grains, fruit, and veggies every day (or twice a day if your baby's a big eater), ¼ to ½ cup of dairy foods per day, ¼ to ½ cup of protein foods per day, and 3 to 4 ounces of juice per day (juice is always optional). Don't worry if your baby isn't following these measurements precisely. In fact, as long as baby is gaining weight and is happy and healthy, there's no need to get caught up in measurements at all.

Playing.
Time to bring out the push toys (look for ones that are sturdy and won't tip over) and riding toys (wide, low-to-the-ground ones, such as a tot-size car or fire truck on wheels)—as well as any other playthings that encourage physical development (play tunnels to crawl through, large balls to roll, stacks of pillows that baby can climb over). Tap in to your baby's creative side by providing musical toys (toy keyboard, xylophone, drums, bells, and rhythm sticks) and maybe even an art supply or two (experiment with a large chunky crayon and a big sheet of paper to see what your pint-size Picasso can do). And now that baby's brain is getting more and more sophisticated, he or she will squeal with delight at toys that bring surprises (where did the ball roll to?). Blocks, activity cubes and tables, and stuffed animals are still favorites, also, and the way baby plays with them is becoming more sophisticated. Stacking toys and shape sorters, too—just don't expect your little one to finesse either yet without your help.