What to Expect the Toddler Years (103 page)

Story reading—Have someone who loves reading aloud share a favorite story book.

Arts and crafts—Schedule an activity that’s challenging enough to be fun but not so demanding that it’s frustrating: decorating placemats or paper hats with markers and stickers, making birthday crowns, coloring on large sheets of newsprint, or making individual collages or a large group mural for the birthday girl. Giving each child a personal box or dish of crayons or markers (washable and nontoxic, of course) will help avoid squabbles.

Free play—Set up the room with blocks, art supplies, riding toys, and dress-up materials (but, again, make sure there’s enough of everything to go around).

The highlight activity should be the birthday cake (or cupcakes). Be sure to practice blowing out candles with your toddler before the party. (While the candles are lit, guard them carefully.)

The right expectations.
Expecting your toddler to be the gracious little hostess—politely greeting her guests, demurely accepting presents (and kisses from Great-Aunt Carol), letting others take first licks at cake and party activities—is unreasonable and unrealistic. Acting her age, at her age, means acting like a toddler: egocentric, unpredictable, and strong-willed, or shy and unsociable—or any combination of the above. The additional stress of being the birthday girl means your toddler is even less likely to demonstrate “proper” social skills.

Expect, too, some minor embarrassments (your toddler gets a present she doesn’t like, and lets everyone know it) and some major accidents (a full cup of milk spills on the sofa). And, most important of all, don’t be surprised if your pint-sized honoree does not even seem to appreciate her fête very much. That’s normal, too.

“Every other word out of my daughter’s mouth is, ‘Why?’ She asks it even when I’m absolutely sure she
knows
why. Please—tell me why!”

Why does a toddler ask, “Why?” Sometimes for the most obvious reason—because she needs an explanation. With an insatiable appetite for learning and so much to learn about a very complex world it’s no wonder that the “why’s” keep coming. Another reason why “why’s” (and other questions) are so popular with these novice communicators is the enormous satisfaction they derive out of asking a question and receiving an answer. Even when they already know the answer.

But a thirst for knowledge and a craving for communication aren’t the only motivations behind a toddler’s “why’s.” It doesn’t take long for a toddler to figure out that the question “Why?” (like the question “What’s that?”) doesn’t only yield information—it gets attention, too. Which makes it worth repeating, and repeating, and repeating. And, like anything that gets repeated and repeated, asking “Why?” soon becomes a habit.

Though it may sometimes be tempting to try to fix a toddler’s broken record by ignoring her “why’s,” it isn’t a good idea. Not only because it might suppress her natural curiosity, dampen her appetite for learning, and stifle her desire to communicate, but because it will probably result in added frustration—something no toddler needs. As someone who has very little control over her environment, being unable to obtain answers to her questions will make her feel that she has even less power.

Instead, tap into your inner reserve of patience (you may be able to find it by closing your eyes and silently counting to ten), and keep your answers coming just as long as the questions do. Sometimes, answering your toddler’s “why” with a “Why do
you
think . . .?” may help break the monotony and help her to think for herself. But if your question-for-a-question technique seems to irk your toddler (which, occasionally, it probably will), don’t push for an answer—just give one yourself.

The meaningless “why” will disappear as your child’s communication skills develop, though hopefully she will never stop asking the meaningful questions. In the meantime, try to keep in mind that while curiosity may erode parental patience, it’s one of a child’s most valuable learning tools.

“Help! Today is my daughter’s second birthday and after months of dry training pants and using her potty chair, she suddenly refuses to use it anymore. She’s had numerous ‘accidents.’”

There comes a time in the lives of most toddlers when control becomes a major parent–child issue. It comes earlier for some toddlers (soon after their first birthday), later for others (sometime around their second birthday), is short-lived for some, a long haul for others. But almost always, the issue of who’s in control comes.

The struggle for control can manifest itself in a thousand different ways: Your daughter refuses to wear what you want her to wear, insisting on something totally different instead; she refuses to eat what’s put in front of her, holding out for a completely different menu; she refuses to use the toilet, and has
“accidents” instead. It’s a matter of her showing you who’s boss.

Some parents try to keep toilet learning from becoming a control issue by waiting until their children are safely out of the contrary second year to begin it; while such a maneuver rarely makes the process effortless, it can make it proceed a bit more smoothly. But even then, resistance and relapses are distinct possibilities. No matter when it comes, however, potty opposition is best overcome with the following strategies:

Check with the doctor.
Occasionally a toileting relapse has a medical cause, such as a urinary tract infection (see page 548 for other possibilities); be sure to have that ruled out before you go any further.

Relieve any constipation
.
Sometimes constipation snafus the toilet-learning process. Constipation in children, as in adults, can be tackled by stepping up fiber, fluid, and exercise, while easing up on psychological pressure. See page 600 for tips on combating constipation.

Deal with any stress.
Sometimes, a toddler’s regression in toilet learning is not a battle for control but a statement of unhappiness—prompted by anything from a too-cute new sibling to a too-tough new day-care situation. Reducing such unhappiness may get toilet learning back on track.

Relieve the pressure
.
Since your toddler may be reacting to pressure to perform, try relieving that pressure. For the time being, make toileting a nonissue in your home. Make the potty available, but don’t make it mandatory. Stress-related toileting accidents are sometimes due to increased urinary frequency. Some children react to stress by feeling the need to urinate as often as three or four times an hour—and getting to the toilet that often can be difficult. This kind of stress-related frequency usually lasts just a few weeks to a few months—but do mention it to your child’s doctor. Avoid tsk-tsking, head-shaking, and muttering when you have to change her; make it appear that it couldn’t bother you less. As frustrated as you may be having to deal with this apparent regression, it’s important that you try not to communicate your feelings, either verbally or nonverbally.

Make changing her mind a snap.
Dress your toddler in easy-off clothing, so that if she decides to go to the potty herself, she can.

Reduce the potential damage.
If your child has been having accidents in inconvenient places—in the car, at friends’ houses, at preschool—switch to pull-up disposable training pants (see page 544) in such situations. (Cloth diapers, with Velcro closings, would make her more aware of wetting and more uncomfortable than she would be in disposables, but she’s not likely to agree to wear them.)

Try a change of place.
Sometimes a little variety can cajole a toddler out of the potty doldrums. If she’s been using a self-contained potty chair, consider buying a potty seat that sits on top of the regular toilet, so your toddler can be more like the rest of the family. Take her with you when you make the purchase, and if there’s a choice of styles or colors, let her make the selection. Some seats come with an attached ladder (when you’re that little, it’s a long way up); alternatively, you can provide her with a steady stepstool. If you started out with a seat on top of the toilet, try switching to the self-contained unit; again, take your toddler along to help shop for it, or borrow one from a friend or neighbor whose family has outgrown it.

Put her in charge.
A struggle over your toddler’s toileting behavior is one you
can’t win, so give in graciously. For how to put the responsibility in your child’s hands, see page 549.

Offer her more control in other areas.
Toddlers have a fundamental need to assert themselves; give them the opportunity to make their own choices in other areas (what they wear, who they play with, what they eat for lunch), and they may not feel as compelled to oppose you on toileting issues.

Nix name calling.
Calling your toddler a baby for having accidents will make her more determined to act like one. Ignore this and any other “babyish” behavior, and look for grown-up behavior you can compliment (“You put those shoes on all by yourself? What a big girl you are!”).

Give it time
. Everyone uses a toilet sooner or later; as the old adage goes, “nobody walks down the aisle in diapers.” While sooner may be convenient for parents tired of cleaning up accidents, later (age three and beyond) is fine, too. There is no correlation between the age of toilet learning and intellectual ability or academic performance; tardy toileters are no less likely to be bright or capable than precocious ones. Your toddler has used the potty in the past, and she will use it again in the future—when
she’s
ready. See
Chapter Nineteen
for more tips on toileting.

“The last couple of times we visited the pediatrician, we had to drag our son in. He seemed terrified.”

In infancy, when experiences generally came and went without leaving a lasting imprint, each trip to the doctor (or nurse-practitioner) was a new event, no different from going to the supermarket. But, thanks to his newly improved memory, things have changed. Your toddler probably now recollects the probing, prodding, and poking—not to mention the occasional pricking—that went on during previous visits to the doctor, and the thought of enduring more of the same frightens him.