What to Expect the Toddler Years (107 page)

“The other night, our son started crying and screaming in his sleep. He was thrashing around with his eyes open and bulging; his face was contorted and sweaty. We were terrified. But before we could wake him, he was sleeping calmly again. Was this a nightmare?”

It sounds much more like a night terror (see page 314) than a nightmare. Though frightening to witness, night terrors aren’t cause for parental concern or action.

In fact, other than making certain that the house is safe for your toddler should he sleepwalk (see page 315) during a night terror and sitting by to see that he doesn’t hurt himself while thrashing around, there’s little you can do when an episode of night terror strikes. If one strikes again (and it won’t necessarily), don’t hug your child or hold him down; doing so will only make him more agitated—and he may even push you away. Don’t try to wake him up, either, no matter how frantic he seems, as this will only prolong the event. Instead, just watch and wait. Night terrors generally end ten to thirty minutes after they begin, at which time your toddler should calm down (without waking) and you’ll be able to tuck him back into bed for a peace ful rest-of-the-night sleep. Bless ed ly, once a night terror is over, it’s over. When he gets up the next morning, your toddler will likely have no recollection of the event, though he may seem a bit anxious.

Since night terrors occur more often when a child is overtired, make sure your child’s schedule is not too hectic and that he’s getting enough sleep. Most children outgrow night terrors by the time they are ready to start grade school, around age six. If yours doesn’t, or if he has more than three episodes a year, check with his doctor. There is a very slim possibility that the problem is a nocturnal seizure disorder, which can be controlled with medication if necessary. The signs include peculiar, repetitive, sometimes violent movements, shaking legs, and flapping arms.

“We sometimes wake up to find our daughter wandering around the house sound asleep. Is sleepwalking considered a problem? Should we get her to stop?”

Though sleepwalking can be spooky for those awake and watching, it’s fairly common and completely normal. The only risk to the sleepwalker is that she’ll walk into danger—a flight of stairs, a sharp table corner, a telephone cord, electric wires, or toys left on the floor. For this reason, a sturdy gate at your toddler’s doorway is a good idea; if she’s able to scale the gate, consider safeguarding with a tower of two gates, one above the other. If you’d rather not put a gate in her doorway, or she becomes very upset if she’s confined when sleepwalking, take other safety precautions throughout the house. Lock or latch bathroom doors, block off the kitchen, gate any stairs securely, clear of trippables any pathways that the sleepwalker might travel. If your child does sleepwalk, make a habit of screening your home for potential hazards each night before you climb into bed.

A sleepwalking toddler tends to head either toward a light or her parents’ room—so putting a night-light in her room may help to keep her there. If she comes into your room or you happen upon her elsewhere in the house, guide her gently back to bed without waking her.

Besides keeping your sleepwalker safe, there isn’t much you can, or need to do about her sleepwalking, which usually stops on its own. Though it’s often disruptive to the parents’ sleep, it isn’t necessarily disruptive to the sleep-walker’s. As with the child experiencing night terrors, a low-key bedtime environment and adequate rest may help.

“Our son can’t tell the difference between colors. Could he be color-blind?”

It’s too soon to know. It’s more likely that he hasn’t learned his colors than that he’s color-blind. Most children can’t identify colors until the age of three or four. Those who can, usually do so because a parent or caregiver has put a lot of time and effort into their color education.

If you’d like to invest that time and effort, there’s no harm in trying to teach colors now. But there’s also no guarantee that your toddler will catch on right away. Start by pointing out reds, blues, greens, and yellows in clothing, cars, crayons, toys, and other familiar objects. Tackle the subtler shades—pink, brown, and purple, for example—after he’s mastered the basic hues, which may not be for another year or two.

When your toddler first begins using color names, he’ll probably use them generically—all objects will be red, or blue, or green. That’s not an indication of color-blindness, either, just of his inexperience. If he is still confusing colors by the time he turns four, he can be tested to see if he’s among the 7% of boys who are color-blind.

Color-blindness, which is usually passed on from mother to son (a girl can be a carrier if she has a color-blind father, but women are rarely color-blind), is due to the partial or complete absence of one of the light-sensitive substances in the cells of the retina. This deficiency limits the ability to distinguish between greens and reds, and occasionally blues. There are different degrees of color-blindness. Some color-blind individuals can see colors normally in good light but have difficulty distinguishing them in dim light. Others can’t differentiate certain colors in any light. In the most severe (and least
common) form of color-blindness, everything is seen in shades of gray.

Color-blindness does not affect the sharpness of vision, or acuity, at all. Nor does it correlate with low intelligence or future learning disabilities. There is no cure for color-blindness, but beyond being unable to play preschool games that are based on color identification, a color-blind child isn’t at any particular disadvantage. Although colored filters on eye glasses or contact lenses can enhance the ability of color-blind children and adults to see contrasts, they don’t help them to differentiate between colors.

“My typical two-year-old is very defiant and stubborn. Lately, I’ve tried a little reverse psychology (‘Don’t you eat that carrot’ or ‘Don’t you dare get into that bathtub’), and it worked like a charm. But is it okay to use?”

Since there’s no cure for toddler negativity but the passage of time, you’re wise to look instead for a successful treatment—and it sounds as though you’ve hit on a winner. Even though they may be wise to their parents’ motivations, small children often respond to reverse psychology, simply because they enjoy “playing the game.” Using reverse psychology allows both of you to have it your way—he has the satisfaction of doing something that you specifically told him not to do, and you have the satisfaction of seeing him do what you really want. In other words, it’s a win–win game. For similar techniques to alternate with reverse psychology—if only to keep predictability or boredom from compromising results—see A Spoonful of Sugar (page 156).

Some caveats should be kept in mind when using reverse psychology, however. For one, don’t use it when you aren’t certain your child knows what you
really
want—though he knows you want him to eat the carrot or get into the tub, he may not know your true wishes in a new situation and could become confused. For another, be sure it’s clear that the game is meant in fun; you don’t want your child to develop the notion that it’s really okay to do the opposite of what you say. And as with any kind of good-natured teasing, if your child seems disturbed or bewildered by reverse psychology, drop it pronto.

Of course, don’t use reverse psychology or similar games with
any
child when health and safety are at risk: getting into the car seat, staying out of the street, keeping dangerous objects out of a toddler’s mouth, for example. You don’t want to find yourself saying, even in jest, “Do run out in the street” or “Put that knife in your mouth right now.”

“My daughter not only started speaking very early, but she recognizes letters and can count. Is she gifted—and if so, what should I do about it?”

Every child is gifted in some way. Sometimes parents need only look a little more closely to find just where their child’s special talents lie. Some have a way with words, others with numbers; still others may be blessed with a prodigious memory. Some are gifted in logic and analytical skills, others in abstract thinking. Some are whizzes at spatial relations and mechanical skills, others have an inborn talent for music or art. There are children who excel in athletics or dance, those who are skilled socially, and those who have an
unusual ability to understand the human psyche. There are children who have the kind of smile that lights up a room, those with an aptitude for kindness and caring, and those with a flair for persuading both adults and children to follow their lead. Some exhibit their gifts very early in life, others somewhat later, and many are gifted in ways that traditional evaluation will never demonstrate.

A child who’s bright, curious, and quick to learn could very well be gifted intellectually. The question is, is it important to know whether she is at this stage of her young life? Is there a benefit to applying the label “gifted” to a toddler? Probably not.

That’s not to suggest you should ignore your child’s obvious talents. Instead, you should do what every parent should do: provide stimulation, challenge, encouragement, and attention, as well as ample love and security. That’s the best route to helping your child fulfill her potential.

Encourage your child’s gifts, but also give her support in areas where she doesn’t excel. Your child is good with words and numbers? By all means stimulate her in these areas—read to her frequently, routinely point out to her familiar and unfamiliar letters and words (“Look, the light says ‘WALK.’ Now we can cross the street.”), play number games (“How many slices of banana are left on your plate?”). But also applaud when she reaches a higher rung on the jungle gym than on her last try or sweet ly shares her sandwich with a friend.

If you suspect your toddler is gifted, don’t rush off to the psychologist for verification. Testing at this age is generally not recommended because results may not be accurate, because testing evaluates only a limited number of skills, and ultimately because there’s not much you can do with the results at this point. A high score on an IQ test may, in fact, have a negative effect on your child and on your relationship. Parents who’ve been told their child is intellectually gifted tend to develop overly high expectations and may push too hard. Frequently, that kind of pushing can lead to tension, unhappiness, uneven development (the child, for example, may have superb reading skills but be slow socially), and early burnout. Attempting to turn a happy toddler into a child prodigy could rob her of the kind of normal childhood every child needs. So avoid trying to create a superchild (see page 454), and enjoy your child’s unfolding development with pleasure.

“For a while, my toddler wanted to walk everywhere. Now, he wants to be carried. Not only is he breaking my back, but I’m concerned that he’s getting too dependent.”

Walking was a novelty for your toddler when he first put one foot in front of another. Being independently mobile after so many months of dependency on strollers, baby carriers, and adult arms was exhilarating and compelling; every step he took deepened his tender feelings of pride and accomplishment.

Then the novelty wore off. Walking started to be a responsibility—something that was expected, and often required, of him. True to his two-year-old negativity, he began to respond to parental pressure to perform with refusals and rubber legs. “If
they
want me to walk,” he may reason, “that’s probably a good enough reason
not
to.”