What to Expect the Toddler Years (152 page)

Cheer her successes.
A few accidents can deliver a major blow to a child’s self-esteem. To build her back up again, make a conscious effort to recognize the achievement when she does reach the toilet in time. Bolster her confidence, too, by letting her know you admire her other achievements.

Make potty stops routine.
Many toddlers refuse to go before they leave the house, but need to go urgently as soon as there’s no available toilet. Make it a rule: Everyone in the family uses the toilet before going out. That way, you won’t be picking on your toddler alone, and you may even get her to comply.

“We’re starting to think that our son is never going to be out of diapers. We’ve tried, and tried, and tried again, but he’s just not cooperating.”

The saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” applies to many things in life, but potty learning isn’t one of them. That’s because success must ultimately come from your toddler’s efforts, not from yours. In other words, maybe it’s time you stopped trying and waited until your toddler is ready to try for himself—which could be days, weeks, or months from now.

There is a saying, however, that does apply to potty learning: “All good things come to those who wait.” Be patient, present your toddler with the option of using the toilet or the potty chair, with no pressure to use it (see potty-learning tips in Chapter Nineteen), and one of these days diapers will be a thing of the past.

Keep in mind that being slow to use the potty in no way reflects on your child’s intelligence or on future achievements in other areas. It may, however, reflect the pressure you’ve been applying. So pull back.

“Our daughter’s been potty-trained during the day for almost a year, but she still wears a diaper at night and, in the morning, wakes up soaking wet. When should we start being more aggressive about getting her to stop wetting at night?”

Getting aggressive about bed-wetting (medically termed
enuresis
, if it continues well past the toddler years) at any time isn’t productive—children don’t wet while they’re sleeping because they want to, but because they are developmentally unable to stay dry, and threats or punishments won’t change that. By about five or six years old, 85% to 90% of children stop bed-wetting on their own, without any adult intervention. Why the remainder (more often boys than girls) continue to wet is uncertain. A variety of contributory factors have been suggested, including heredity, a smaller-than-average bladder, excess urine output at night, and sleep so sound that it’s hard to awaken from. The best treatment, usually not recommended until the age of six to eight, is an enuresis alarm, a device which wakes a child when she wets, eventually “conditioning” her to wake when she needs to go.

Pressure to stay dry at night usually only increases the incidence of accidents (both at night and during the day) while wearing down a child’s self-esteem. She’ll stay dry when she’s physiologically ready to; and scolding her, nagging her, or limiting her fluid intake in the
evening won’t make her ready any sooner. (Be sure, however, your toddler isn’t drinking beverages containing caffeine, which—besides being unhealthy—can increase wetting. Citrus juices can, too, in some children.) It may help if you pick her up and take her to the potty at your bedtime; but don’t try this if you suspect it will cause sleep problems.

All of you will probably sleep better if your toddler stays in diapers at night until she’s ready to stay dry. Some signs of such readiness are: fewer nighttime wettings (she wakes in the morning barely damp instead of sopping); being upset by nighttime wettings; the ability to stay dry for three to four hours during the day; getting up herself in the middle of the night to urinate; frequently waking up dry from naps, and occasionally waking up dry after a night’s sleep.

To protect her ego while you protect her mattress, put her night diaper on without potentially hurtful comments (“When you’re a big girl you won’t wear diapers.”). If she’s really uncomfortable about having a diaper put on her (as some children are once they’re in underwear during the day), put one on after she’s asleep at night. If you find that unwieldly or if it wakes her, consider disposable pull-up training pants (they’re as heavy as diapers but are put on like underpants; see page 544). A rubber sheet will help protect the mattress in case of overflow.

“Lately, my daughter, who will be three next week, has suddenly begun waking up crying about pains in her legs. The pains don’t last long and she falls back to sleep.”

Sounds like a classic case of “growing pains.” Most common between the ages of three and six, these pains can be fairly severe and usually are felt in the calf, thigh, or around the knee—mostly at night. They have nothing to do with growing, but are probably due to muscle fatigue after an extremely active day. The attacks usually last no more than twenty minutes. Comfort, reassurance, and a little massage will help get a toddler back to sleep.

Don’t tell your toddler that her legs hurt because she’s playing too hard or she may just become fearful of playing and refuse to do anything physical. It is a good idea, however, to try to slow her down just a bit without making it obvious to her. Nor should you tell her these are “growing pains”; such an explanation of her pain could instill a fear of growing and even inspire an eating strike.

Seek medical advice, however, if your child has persistent rather than occasional pain at night, pain during the day, pain in just one leg, is limping or has difficulty walking, or has fever or other symptoms along with the pain. If the growing pains continue for several weeks, mention them to your child’s doctor. Children who experience such pain before age three also require medical evaluation.

“I’ve been very disturbed to hear my daughter calling her friends names. They’re harmless enough—mostly things like ‘poopy-head’or ‘doo-doo face’—but they still bother me.”

Once a child starts hanging around with other children, name-calling is as inevitable as struggles over toys. The names that three- and four-year-olds favor most commonly have their
roots in the toilet; the potty (and its contents) is still something they’re coming to terms with, and playing around with the terminology helps reduce their discomfort.

Don’t overreact to name-calling, but don’t encourage it—by laughing at it, for example—either. When your toddler hurls a word that you find unacceptable at you or someone else, explain that using mean words can hurt people’s feelings just like using your hands to hit can hurt their bodies. Show her more socially acceptable ways of dealing with a confrontational situation, such as saying, “You’re making me very angry,” or choosing not to play with a child who bothers her. But don’t count on complete success; she won’t have good control of her tongue for at least a couple of years yet—and name-calling is still preferable to hitting.

Make sure you’re not setting a poor example yourself. Many adults use name-calling or foul language to express their annoyance, and though they may do it unconsciously, their children are almost certainly conscious of it. So next time you’re tempted to sling an insult at your spouse during a heated argument, at a driver who’s cut you off on the highway, or at the phone company when they’ve made a mistake on your bill, or even just to curse the blankety-blank washing machine for overflowing, think before you speak. If you don’t, you’re sure to hear your little mimic mouthing the very same expletives one of these days.

Name-calling often has nothing to do with anger but is used just in fun or as an attention-getter. When that’s the case, tell your child matter-of-factly that you understand that she wants to hear what the particular word sounds like, and that she’s more than welcome to go to her room and say it as many times as she likes, but that it’s not nice to say such words in front of people. It’s also a good idea to try to encourage her to use silly words that are less offensive: “soup-head” instead of “poop-head” or “loo-loo face” instead of “doo-doo face,” for example. But don’t make a big fuss—ignore “toilet” language and it’s likely to go away more quickly. Keep in mind, however, that no matter what technique parents may use to try to eradicate it, it often lingers well past age four.

As your child gets older you will probably want to set some absolute limits on bad language at home, but at this stage a child’s self-control isn’t sufficent for her to mind her tongue all the time.

“Sometimes, during a play date, my daughter will say something mean to a friend, like: ‘I don’t like your dress’ or ‘that drawing doesn’t look like a baby.’ I’m afraid she’s going to end up being a mean-spirited child.”

Such comments from a child as young as yours aren’t mean-spirited, just candid. The problem is that most toddlers haven’t yet learned that sometimes outright honesty can hurt another person—that you just can’t say everything that comes into your head.

Though it wouldn’t be right to fault your toddler for her candor, it would be appropriate to explain how saying what she thinks can hurt other peoples’ feelings. Next time she speaks up without thinking first, comfort her playmate, but without judgmental comments (“Look how badly you made Rosa feel!”). After the slighted child has been soothed, calmly take your child aside, and ask her if she can try to put herself in her
friend’s place. “How would you feel if Rosa said she didn’t like
your
dress? Or if she said
your
picture wasn’t good?” If she doesn’t respond, add, “I think you would feel very sad.”

This exercise in empathy won’t be easy for your toddler—empathy is a very new emotion—so be patient and understanding. Don’t scold her for what she said or debate the merits of her sentiments. Let her know that it’s okay to not like someone’s dress or to think a drawing isn’t very good, but that it’s
not
okay to say so if it will make that person sad. This message won’t sink in the first time, or even the tenth. But if each time she comes out with a thoughtless comment you get her to think about how the other person may be feeling, eventually it will.

But don’t make a major issue of this, and don’t let her think that it’s never okay to express her feelings. Let her know that it is perfectly acceptable to tell someone else that they made her feel bad or hurt her or that what they’re doing isn’t nice. Make it clear, too, that when what they’re doing is dangerous or could hurt her or someone else, that she should also tell the grown-up (parent, caregiver, teacher) in charge.

“Lately, our son has been acting really silly and using silly language. It was cute at first, but now it’s getting annoying.”

It’s virtually impossible to shake the sillies out of some toddlers. And it’s not really fair to try. Let your toddler’s sillies run their nonsensical course, not paying them attention of any kind (positive or negative) rather than trying to stifle them, and they’ll play themselves out sooner. And don’t let yourself be embarrassed by your toddler’s behavior; most people around you will recognize that he’s simply acting his age.

Keep in mind that humor is a universal antidote for virtually anything, and kids, coping with the challenging job of growing up, need this special medicine as much as anyone. And though your toddler’s brand of humor may not be funny to
you
, it’s probably right on target with his friends. Let him enjoy his humor, as long as it isn’t played out at inappropriate moments.

When a situation requires at least a modicum of decorum (you’re at a religious service, a fancy party, a kiddie concert), explain to your toddler that there’s a time and a place for silly behavior, and this situation isn’t either. If asking him to quit being silly brings you nothing but another round of giggles, try to distract him with a toy, a book, or a trip to the bathroom. Or just take him outside until he can calm himself down. Don’t focus on the silly behavior or threaten to take him home (if you do, you will give him an easy way out of any event he doesn’t like: Just be silly).

“I’ve noticed that some kids in my daughter’s preschool can write their names, or at least make some letters, but she hasn’t gotten past scribbling yet. Is she behind?”

In generations past, reading and writing remained a mystery to most children until they entered school—which usually wasn’t until the age of five or six. Most kids didn’t even recognize letters or words until then. With more children in preschools (where reading
readiness and letter recognition are often part of the curriculum), with
Sesame Street
and its letters of the day an influential part of many toddler routines, and with edu cational DVDs and toddler computer games, it’s not uncommon to see two- and three-year-olds scrawling their names, or at least some letter-like markings, across their finger paintings.

When they enter elementary school, are these early writers ahead of those who take their time picking up these skills? Not necessarily, though they may, at least temporarily, have an added measure of self-confidence that comes from mastering a skill.

For the child who seems to have no interest in letters and numbers, introducing them in the pressure-free ways shown on page 292 will often spark interest. To encourage writing skills: Write your child’s name on her pictures and ask “Whose name is that?” Give her plenty of paper and crayons, a chalk board, a metal board (or refrigerator door) with magnetic letters, and read to her regularly. If she’s interested, make lines and circles on a paper and ask her to imitate them. If she tries to make a letter and the result is far from accurate, don’t criticize. Instead, applaud her attempt (“Good try!”), then make the letter yourself (“See, here’s how I make an ‘A’”).