What to Expect the Toddler Years (159 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
HAT IT’S IMPORTANT FOR YOUR TODDLER TO KNOW:
The Importance of Being Honest
Your three-year-old accidentally knocks over a box of crayons, and as they scatter across the family-room floor, looks you straight in the eye and boldly declares, “I didn’t do it.”
A child’s first lie.
A bit unsettling to parents? Sure. The end of innocence? Maybe. A predictor of future immoral conduct? Not at all. Just typical toddler behavior. Most toddlers have not yet learned that honesty is the best policy—although by the third year, many have noticed that dishonesty can sometimes get them out of a tight spot.
There are several reasons why toddlers may lie:
The need to retain the illusion of goodness.
By toddler reasoning, denying you did something bad makes the misdeed go away and allows you to remain good.
The wish to avoid facing consequences.
The thinking goes: “If I don’t tell Daddy that I knocked the crayons over, maybe I won’t have to pick them up.”
A still-faulty memory.
When Jonathan accuses Lara of grabbing the truck from him, he may already have forgotten that he grabbed it from her in the first place.
Difficulty distinguishing fully between reality and fantasy.
When Kayla gets a new doll, Hillary sees nothing dishonest in saying, “I got a new doll, too.” After all, speaking her fantasy makes her feel better. And Andrew, a very imaginative child, may make up whole stories yet neglect to mention that they’re made up—from his point of view, he’s telling tales, not lies.
Since toddler fibs aren’t malicious or calculated, they’re not a cause for concern—or for punishment. Assuming a child lives in an atmosphere of honesty and trust, the fibbing stage will eventually end. As the little voice within grows louder, and as that little voice begins to play a bigger role in decision making and in social interactions, your toddler will outgrow the need to lie. In the meantime, you can deal with untruths and nurture the development of honesty in the following ways:
Don’t make it easy for your toddler to tell an untruth. Don’t ask “Did you . . . ?” when you know very well the answer is yes. Say instead, “I know that you . . .” or “I saw you . . .”
Make it easy to tell the truth. If you say, “Something happened to this cup of juice. How did it get on the floor? I wonder . . .” you stand a much better chance of securing a confession than if you hurl an accusation. “Look what you did—you spilled your juice again!” is more likely to elicit an indignant “I did not!”
Make telling the truth pay off. If a three-year-old admits to crayoning on the family-room wall and you react to the admission with rage, it’s easy to see how the child might be discouraged from admitting future misdeeds. If, on the other hand, you show appreciation for honesty (“I like when you tell me the truth”), the child is more apt to be truthful. (Of course, even when misdeeds are confessed, the appropriate disciplinary action still needs to be taken; for example, if the usual penalty for drawing on the wall is helping to scrub off the scribbles or having drawing privileges suspended temporarily, that penalty should be imposed.)
Help your child to see the whole truth. Often, a toddler will remember only part of what happened, in which case you may have to help extract the full story.
WHAT ABOUT THOSE LITTLE WHITE LIES?
The most truthful among us have told them—even George Washington probably wasn’t above them. They usually seem harmless enough, and sometimes they even seem to prevent hurt feelings. When you’re dealing with a young child, they often seem indispensable (“No you can’t have another ice cream—it’s all gone.”).
But the bottom line is that little white lies—like whoppers—are untruths all the same. To impress your toddler with the value of being honest, you have to avoid untruths of any size. Though toddlers may fall for a parent’s white lies, at least for a while, they eventually catch on. And when they do, they learn a couple of unfortunate lessons: One, that fibbing is the fastest way out of a sticky situation and an effective way to get what you want, and two, you can’t always trust your parents.
White lies are occasionally necessary to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. To help your toddler distinguish between the “noble” lie and the self-serving variety, try always to explain when you tell one why you’ve done so. For instance, “I didn’t want to hurt Aunt Mary’s feelings, so I told her I liked her cookies, even though I don’t like gingerbread. Sometimes it’s okay to say something that isn’t true to protect someone’s feelings. But it’s never okay to tell a lie that could hurt somebody.” The line between white lies that are permissible and those that aren’t is likely to be too fine for your toddler to recognize at first. But with plenty of reinforcement, the message will eventually sink in.
Sometimes, you may have to avoid telling the
whole
truth about something in order to protect your child or because it’s beyond his or her comprehension—as when you explain how babies are made or why somebody died (if it was a violent death, for example) or why Aunt Jenny and Uncle Jim don’t live together anymore. But even in these cases, try to avoid telling a lie; simply tell only the part of the truth your toddler can digest.
Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, and, later, the Tooth Fairy can also fall into the “little white lie” category. Some parents enjoy perpetuating these myths with young children, others are uncomfortable with the necessary deceit involved. Do what works for you and for your child, continuing the fantasy for as long as you both enjoy it. If somewhere down the line, however, your child asks point-blank, “Is Santa real?” he or she deserves an honest answer. Explain that people like to believe in the idea of Santa because it makes them happy, and that the happiness Santa “brings” is real, even if he’s only pretend. Let your child know that there’s nothing wrong with pretending, and that pretending is not the same as telling a lie, as long as everyone knows you’re pretending.
“Sam hit me” may be the truth, but not the whole truth, which may be that your child pinched Sam in the first place. In that context, the accusation looks a lot different, and with a little gentle prodding, your child will come to understand that.
Don’t force your toddler to lie. Too much pressure, standards that are too high, punishment that is too severe, all can lead a child to lie in order to avoid extremely unpleasant consequences.
Leave the grilling to the detectives. If you don’t get a spontaneous confession, don’t give your toddler the third degree. When you and your toddler both know that he or she did something wrong, insisting on an admission of guilt is unnecessary. And when your child maintains, “I didn’t do it!” angrily countering with “You did, too!” will only encourage a shouting match or tantrum. Instead, let your child know (even if it’s for the twentieth time) that what was done was
unacceptable. If there’s a punishment due, impose it. If you don’t know for sure that your toddler is guilty, however, don’t press it. But do say, “I hope you’re telling me the truth. If you’re not, I’ll be very sad.”
Trust your child. Truth and trust are inseparable; if you’re truthful, you’ll be trusted, and if you’re trusted, you’ll be truthful. Let your toddler know that you trust him or her (saying before a play date, for instance, “I know you’re going to try very hard to play nicely today,” rather than warning, “You’d better not hit this time”), and your child will be more likely to live up to that trust. Be sure your toddler can trust you, too; try always to keep your word, and if you can’t, be sure to offer an explanation
and
an apology. When the opportunity presents itself (as when your toddler has admitted a transgression), discuss the value of trust—explain that when people tell the truth, other people can trust them and believe what they say. When your child is older, tell him or her the story of
The Boy Who Cried Wolf
to illustrate the connection between truth and trust.