What to Expect the Toddler Years (61 page)

2. Enforce limits.
Setting limits is one thing, keeping to them is another. Limits won’t work unless you regularly click off the television set when the allotted show is over, and then redirect your toddler’s interest elsewhere. Having a favorite activity planned for right after television viewing will help to make for a more pleasant transition.

Of course, as with most rules, there are times when your TV rules will need to be broken, as when a child is sick, and has to be relatively quiet for prolonged periods, or when a children’s special is being shown. Just try to make it clear that the rules haven’t changed and that this is an exception.

3. Time television viewing.
Avoid turning the TV on during mealtimes, which should be family time; during play dates, when children should be learning social skills; and during family gatherings and
holiday celebrations (except for special holiday shows).

4. Watch together.
Children are much less likely to sink into a TV trance if they watch with a parent, and if there is a lot of interaction related to what’s on the screen: “Isn’t that a beautiful horse?” or “That clown is so silly!” or “Oh, what happened to Dumbo?” You can be doing something else while you watch—either with your child (building with blocks, doing a puzzle) or on your own (peeling carrots, working a crossword, paying bills). Allowing your child to watch TV alone is like leaving him or her alone under the influence of strangers; joint viewing allows you to correct misinformation, monitor commercials, and point out values you share as well as those you don’t. Of course, there will be times when you will have to let your toddler watch alone, but don’t make solitary viewing a habit.

5. Make TV viewing interactive.
Draw characters from the screen, discuss action and story lines, carry out activities similar to those shown on favorite programs, comment on and ask questions about television shows while they’re on. Motivate your toddler to sing or dance and do arts-and-crafts projects along with TV characters. Sing-along or dance-and-movement videos encourage active participation. Getting your toddler to talk about a show (in effect, to critique it) when it’s over can turn TV viewing into a valuable educational experience.

6. Avoid using TV as a substitute for attention.
You wouldn’t hire a sitter who talked endlessly, never listened to your child, never responded to questions or fears, and couldn’t deal with your child’s concerns. But if you use your TV as a sitter, that’s just what you’re doing. Employ it in this capacity only when absolutely necessary.

Also avoid using television to calm, soothe, or cheer your child, or to otherwise respond to his or her needs. Try to find out what is bothering your toddler and help him or her deal with the problem instead of sweeping it behind the TV screen. For more on fostering coping skills, see page 384.

7. Do not offer TV as a bribe or a reward, or take it away as a punishment.
Associating the tube with good behavior (it must be good because only good kids can watch it) or making it more tantalizing by dangling it over your child’s head (“If you stop crying now, you can watch
Sleeping Beauty.
”) is sure to make it that much more attractive.

8. Set a positive example.
Your children will be more likely to do as you do than do as you say, so become a model of responsible TV viewing. Don’t keep the TV on for background noise or for round-the-clock entertainment. Except for an occasional special show, save your TV viewing for when your children are safely tucked in for the night. If you don’t like total quiet around the house, switch the radio on for periodic weather or news reports, or play background music both you and your toddler enjoy.

9. Be selective.
Carefully choosing what your children watch on television is as important as controlling how much they watch and how. So:

Preview.
Before letting your child watch a particular show, try to view it yourself first to determine its appropriateness. (If it’s on at a time you are usually with your toddler and you have a VCR, try to tape it for later viewing alone.)

Choose appropriately.
Look for noncommercial programming designed for young children, with simple language, appealing characters, music, singing, educational value. Ban shows
that lean heavily on violence, cartoons included (even a small amount of violence will frighten some children). Prohibit shows that regularly display values you disagree with. If there are older children in the house, don’t allow your toddler to sit in on their TV viewing unless the show is toddler-appropriate—and keep your youngest otherwise occupied when it’s not. Be careful, too, about the content of shows
you’re
watching when your toddler is around. Because of the often violent nature of news stories, try to get your current events on the later evening news shows when children are safely tucked away in bed.

DVDs.
If you have a DVD player, you can record shows that are on at inconvenient times and show them during your toddler’s usual TV time. That way you’re not limited to whatever happens to be on. Keep a stash of the best programs—toddlers love “reruns”—and a supply of quality DVDs, too, around for emergencies. But don’t be lulled into believing that just because DVDs are commercial-free, it’s okay for children to watch them for hours on end. Most of the numbing negative side-effects of TV hold true for recordings, too. And their ready availability (they can be “on” even when nothing’s “on” TV) makes overuse by parents a greater likelihood.

10. Counteract the negatives.
Television’s negative effects can be wiped out or minimized by:

Turning the family focus away from TV.
Substitute, instead, activities that bring the family together (cooking, gardening, swimming, art projects, a trip to the park or the museum or the zoo). When you do watch TV together, engage in other activities simultaneously (games, for example), and encourage discussion about what is happening on the screen.

Building good habits.
Adopt a family lifestyle that includes Twhe Toddler Diet (refuse to buy into, or let your children buy into, those junk-food commercials), healthy attitudes toward food and eating, and plenty of exercise.

Passing on values.
Discuss the values, good and bad, on shows you do allow your children to watch (“Do you think those boys were being mean to Dumbo? Wasn’t that mouse nice to help Dumbo feel better? Look at the mama and baby hugging; they love each other so much”).

Stimulating creativity and intellectual development.
Use TV to build observation skills (“What did that boy just do?”), creativity (“Can we make a paper bag puppet just like they did on that show?”), intellect (“Why do you think that girl said that? Do you think that was a good idea?”). Work, too, on bringing out your toddler’s creative skills and imagination (see page 362), and encouraging thinking and learning (see page 99) in other ways.

Meeting emotional needs.
Children need more than food, clothing, shelter, and TV. They need someone to pay attention to feelings, to teach them how to recognize them, and how to deal with them.

Talking about violence.
If children are exposed to violence (on the screen, in the newspapers, on the street) and no one talks to them about what it means, and about how to view it, they will be confused and frightened. They may also have distorted views of violence. If an older toddler accidentally catches part of a scary news story and seems upset by it, try to modify the effect with a comforting explanation (“That was a bad fire, but see? All the people are okay”), overlooking, if need be, the fact that some of the people didn’t make it. The same would hold true with incidental violence on usually peaceful shows or
in otherwise innocent movies (the shooting of the mother deer in
Bambi
, for example). Sometimes this kind of action passes right over the head of very young toddlers, but if your toddler seems to react to it, you should make an effort to explain (“That was a hunter who shot Bambi’s mommy”).

Raising children to have decent values certainly isn’t easy for parents, especially in a society that sometimes seems short on values. And, though we all have values we want to pass on to our children, we worry that we won’t succeed. After all, we remember ourselves as teenagers, rejecting the values our parents so carefully sought to instill in us, insistent on finding our own way.

Studies show, however, that after that predictable period of adolescent rebellion, most of us end up with values that very closely resemble those of our parents. Parents have scant effect on their children’s natural temperaments or inborn strengths and weaknesses; nature, in so many ways, has it over nurture. Yet nurture takes the lead when it comes to the development of values. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not, parents can and do strongly influence the way their children treat themselves and others, and the attitudes their children take toward family, charity, honesty, work, environment, and dozens of other moral issues.

Many parents instinctively do a pretty good job of passing on their values, much as their parents did, and their parents before them; good, solid values seem to run in families. Still, the following recommendations (teamed with the details in the other “What It’s Important for Your Toddler to Know” sections of this book, where specific values and how to best hand them down are discussed) can help improve the odds that your children will one day value the values you value most.

Know your own values.
First, decide how far you want to depart from the chain of values that your parents forged when you were growing up. Do you want to add a few links, take away a few, or make more radical alterations in the chain? List the values you would like to pass on to your toddler—in their order of importance—and ask your spouse or partner to do the same. The possibilities are endless: family, health, integrity, religion, work, learning, courtesy, the environment, helping others, tolerance, good taste, political activism, the accumulation of money, of possessions. Then compare your list with your spouse’s. Are there areas of disagreement? Can you compromise on them? Once you’ve reached an accord, you’ll be better able to join forces in passing the chosen values onto your toddler.

Live your values.
As much as they want their children to live by certain values, parents sometimes find it difficult to live by them themselves. They want their off-spring to be honest, but they fib about a child’s age so he or she can fly for free or get reduced movie or museum admissions. They’re determined that their children
learn not to abuse their bodies, but
they
fail to show respect for their own bodies—by smoking cigarettes, living on junk food, failing to exercise. They preach tolerance to their children, but they practice close-mindedness in their dealings with those who are different.

To impart values to your children effectively, you must first commit yourself to living them—to following them habitually, not just when your toddler is watching. In the long run, the influences your child is exposed to at home have much greater impact on the person he or she will ultimately become than will any outside influence (including television, the movies, and music). Be an exemplary role model, and your child will likely become an exemplary individual.

Articulate your values.
Living your values is not enough. Help your children understand
why
you live them. Explain why you believe it’s better to be honest than to lie; why taking care of your body is important; why you do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Put teaching values in perspective.
By building a framework of values for your toddler to follow, you’re heading him or her in the right direction. But realize that this is the best any parent can do. As children grow older, they add their own experiences and the lessons they’ve learned out in the world to what you’ve taught them at home, to come up with their own unique set of values. Just as you did.

By the end of this month,
*
your toddler
. . . should be able to (see Note):

perform all previous “should be able to’s . . .”

Note:
If your toddler has not reached these milestones or doesn’t use symbolic play and words, consult the doctor or nurse-practitioner. This rate of development may well be normal for your child (some children are late bloomers), but it needs to be evaluated. Also check with the doctor if your toddler seems out-of-control or hyperactive; uncommunicative, passive, or withdrawn; highly negative, demanding, and stubborn. (Remember, the child who was born prematurely often lags behind others of the same chronological age. This developmental gap continues to narrow and generally disappears entirely around age two.)