What We Search For (7 page)

My right hand
eased its way to her lower back as I held her closely. My left hand coming to
her cheek. Pulling my lips away from hers for a moment I gently stroke her
cheek, and taking her chin in my fingers, I guide her back to our kiss. Cupping
her face in my hand, we kissed as the sweetness of her lips sent lightning bolts
through my body, and the warmth of her against me, a comfort I didn’t want to
lose.

Soon we pulled
back from one another, breathing heavier than before. “We’re definitely going
to have to do
that
again.” I said, still looking into her eyes.

“Yes.” Amanda
replied with a hint of a smile, “
And
, you’ll have to take me out again.”
She added. With that, she turned around and walked towards her hotel with a
quick laugh, “See you soon James.” She called, and vanished inside the door.

Watching her
walk away gave me mixed feelings. I didn’t want to be crushed when she left. I
should know better than to get so attached, but sometimes there’s just nothing
you can do about it. You have to take a ride on the emotional roller coaster
once in a while, and this was one of those times.

Sound asleep, I stirred
awake at the sound of my phone ringing. At first I had no recognition of it as
my dreams and reality tried to merge, yet finally my dreams succumbed to the
constant beeping.

I rolled over to see an
international number on the screen. Answering in a very groggy state, “Hello?”
was all I managed.

“Darling. It’s Mum.” She
said.

“Oh hey Mum. What’s up?” I
asked, as I looked at the time. “It’s four in the morning.” I added sleepily.

“I’m sorry but I had to call.”
She replied.

Something in my mother’s
voice made me sit up with panic striking me instantly. There was a seriousness
there that usually wasn’t, which woke me up.

“What’s wrong? Is
everything okay?” I asked, concern clear in my voice.

“I hate to say it over the
phone like this, but there’s no other way. Jam. It’s your sister. She’s been in
an accident.” She said. She only ever used my nickname from childhood when she
was emotional.

“What do you mean
accident? Is she alright? What happened?” I demanded, a little too strongly.

“She was in a car
accident. Another car ran through a stop sign and straight into the side of her
car. She’s alive, but she’s in a coma.” Her voice breaking at the end as she
described the incident.

I sat there for a moment
speechless. This happened to other people. Never me! How could this be
possible? I hadn’t spoken to Sarah in a while, but the picture of her in my
head was of her healthy and smiling. She was older by two years and happily
married to Alex.

“I don’t know what to say
Mum.” I said, struggling with even those words, “What about Alex? Was he with
her?” I added, still shocked.

“No he wasn’t in the car.
He’s at the hospital with me now, he hasn’t left her side. I don’t know what to
do, Jam…” she drifted off, and started sobbing into the phone.

“Mum, I’m going to come
home. I’ll be on the first available flight.” I said, as I mentally checked off
what I would need to get done to do so.

“No darling you shouldn’t
do that. You’re out there living your dream. I’m sure Sarah would want you to
keep on living it.” She said, a firmness coming to her voice.

“She probably would Mum,
but she’s my only sister. I have to come home and see her. See you, Dad and
Alex.” I pleaded.

“The doctors say she is
stable and they have high hopes of her coming out, but for now we have to wait.
Please, please stay there. Your father and Alex agree you should stay there.”
She said almost pleadingly, “We’re fine, it’s just very stressful is all. It’s
horrible to see her this way but honestly, the hospital is fantastic and
everyone here has been very supportive.” She said with finality.

“I don’t know Mum, I feel
like I should be there to help out. To do…something.” I said, struggling to
come to terms with the news.

“There’s nothing you can
do love. Just think of her and keep on living that dream, and know we all love
that you are enjoying yourself so much, and finally out in the world doing what
you’ve always wanted to do. Sarah would hate it if you stopped that because of
her. Trust me son. We love you very much and I’ll keep you up to date at every
opportunity.” My mother’s voice got stronger with every word.

She was a strong woman
when she wanted to be, and it was hard to argue. As painful as it was to know
my sister lay in a coma in a hospital, all I would be doing is waiting. I
didn’t want to admit it, but she had a point. Sarah would be very pissed off if
I left just because she was in a coma. I laughed to myself at ‘just in a coma’.
I finally agreed with Mum, and sent my love and best to everyone back home.

Falling back to sleep was
not happening so I got dressed and went for a walk. My emotions were all over
the place, bouncing between my sister and the pain in knowing she was so hurt,
and my growing feelings for Amanda. My sister right now was my main concern and
it sobered me up. After doing a few laps of the block I ended up back home, and
took a very, very long shower.

Later that morning, I was
sitting on the couch with the TV on, lost in thought when my phone rang. It was
Amanda. Still struggling emotionally I let it ring out, and returning my
attention to my thoughts, I noticed tears rolling softly down my cheek. My
sister had always been there for me whenever I needed her, and here I was on
the other side of the world sitting on a couch.

It just wasn’t right, but
what was I meant to do. My phone went off again, but this time it was a text
message. Opening the message it said ‘We’re going to go snowboarding. Jane
spoke to Brad earlier and invited him, and told him to let Chris know. Would
you like to come with us?’ Reading the message, I put the phone away and
returned to my brooding.

Day turned into night and
I still sat on the couch. Having hardly eaten anything for the day, I finally
peeled my ass from the cushions and went straight for the fridge. Unfortunately,
it was empty apart from beers I had bought a while ago. Opening the first beer,
and grabbing a second, I returned to the couch still brooding.

Drinking each beer, I
picked up more from the fridge thinking about my sister, and why such a thing
would happen to her. She was such a beautiful person and didn’t deserve this to
happen. Especially at such a young age. Her life was just beginning and with
her finding such an amazing husband as Alex, it just wasn’t right.

A pang of sorrow struck me
for Alex. Thinking about him sitting next to his unresponsive wife in the
hospital, hoping she would wake up. It broke my heart.

My sister stuck alone in
her dreams with her prince charming at her side not able to do a thing.
Throughout the course of the night my phone was ringing and receiving messages,
but I ignored them all and kept on drinking.

I lost count of how many I
had and my thoughts were still dark, but I was drunk and I knew it. I needed a
distraction. I left the house stumbling. After some time I made it to the
nearest club and put on the straightest face I could muster. I vaguely knew the
bouncer at the door and was let in without any trouble.

Inside was packed. People
had to shuffle past each other to get to the door or the bathroom or the bar. I
made my way to the loudest part of the dance floor and threw myself into the
crowd. Not caring about anyone nearby I jumped to the beat and threw my arms
everywhere, hitting people in all directions. People started to catch on that I
was extremely drunk and they made a little more room around me.

I didn’t care. Lifting my
head and looking up, I shouted in frustration as loud as I could, and the music
took the noise away with it. Most people didn’t even notice apart from a few
nearby. My movements became more aggressive, as I danced with no care in the
world.

My flailing arms hit
someone fairly solidly and I ignored the impact and kept dancing. Suddenly I
felt hands on my back, and I was shoved into the crowd. Falling over onto an
onlooker, I hit the ground with both of us landing with a thump.

Trying to regain my
balance, I pushed off the person beneath me and turned to see a guy pointing at
me looking angry. I had no idea why he was so angry, and didn’t give a shit.
Once back on my feet, I ran at the pointing guy and tackled him to the ground.

We hit anyone who was
nearby as he hit the deck first, with me landing on top of him. Fists balled, I
threw punch after punch as he tried to defend himself with his arms. I
connected to his nose and it gave under the weight of my fist, and I kept
swinging. I didn’t stop until I was dragged off of him by people around us.

Shouting at the people, I
thrashed my arms trying to get released, but there were too many of them and I
couldn’t do anything. Looking down I could see my blows had an effect as the
guys face was a mess of blood. He was moving very slowly, being helped up
presumably by his friends.

It took only another ten
seconds until bouncers were surrounding me and my opponent. The one who got to
me was luckily the one I knew, and he took charge of me and guided me towards
the exit. He was not gentle, but he didn’t try to hurt me either.

Walking through the crowd
we stopped for a moment as someone had reached out and grabbed the bouncer and
spoke to him. Everything was a blur of anger and pain as we stood still, until
finally we started moving again, but this time a small figure clutched me from
the other side and helped me out of the club. It was Haley.

As we were leaving, I
thought I heard my name being called out but couldn’t make out where from.
Haley thanked the bouncer by his name and we were moving down the street in
short notice. Cop cars pulled up as we were just down the road, and they were
running into the club, presumably to arrest me.

Haley took me home. After
struggling with the door, we got inside as I laughed at nothing at all. Just
the pain and frustration of everything. She took me to bed and got me a glass
of water, laughing at me the whole time as I struggled to get any in my mouth.

She didn’t look much less
drunk than I was, but she still managed to strip me off and get me in bed.
Thanking her in a slur I grabbed her arm gently and insisted she join me. She
looked at me for a moment shaking her head, but I pleaded with her to stay.

Undressing herself, she
stayed in her underwear and got into bed. Wrapping my arms around her I pulled
her into me, and just for a fraction of a moment things were better. Having
another human next to me who cared about me was nice.

My head was spinning and
my words slurred. Trying to thank her again for staying I kissed her sloppily,
and started to become aroused at her figure pushed tightly up against mine.
Haley moved her hand to it and squeezed. I responded by moving my hand to her
panties and gently caressed the outside.

She rubbed my
member up and down as she moved her head lower down my body. A quick flick of
her arm removed the bed covers, and she looked up at me with a wicked smile.
Pulling my hard penis from my briefs she put it in her mouth and kept her eyes
locked to mine.

Every movement
she made sobered me as pleasure shot through my body. Haley flicked her tongue
across the tip of my penis and took it further inside her mouth. She watched me
the whole time as I let out a soft moan.

I placed my
hands in her hair, and she continued to work her mouth up and down. “I’m
close.” I slurred. The alcohol still having a strong effect on me, I didn’t
care about anything else. She stopped and shook her head.

“Not yet,” She
said, as she took off her panties, “Fuck me first.” She added. I nodded in
agreement and got on my knees as we moved into position.

Looking down at Haley’s
naked body, I paused. A moment of clarity in my drunken haze, “I- I can’t do
this,” I said slowly, easing myself back onto the bed. A tear came to my eye
and rolled its way down my cheek.

“It’s okay,” Haley said,
sitting up and cupping my head in her hands. “Just lie down and get some
sleep.” She added.

“I’m sorry.” I said, as
the alcohol kicked in again. I was exhausted.

“It’s okay.” I heard, as I
rested my head down onto my pillow. My hair was being stroked, as my thoughts
wandered from the pain of Sarah being in a coma, to the pain in my fists for
some reason. Slowly I fell asleep.

A long time passed until I
returned to the waking world. My head was in a horrible state and I couldn’t
move as a weight over my chest was holding me firmly in place. Trying to open
my eyes, I groaned. Cracking them open, I soon found out what the ‘weight’ was.

Haley was draped across my
chest as she slept soundly. Her soft breathing tickling my chest. Looking over
at my clock I was shocked by how late it was getting. I flexed my hands. My
knuckles hurt like crazy. I tried to remember the night before. Bits and pieces
began to return.

I had remembered drinking
on the couch and going dancing, and then flashes of anger. Trying harder, I
vaguely remembered the fight I had. Shaking my head, I couldn’t believe it. I
hadn’t been in a fight for as many years as I could remember. It was something
I always tried to avoid, but my hands were evidence enough it seemed.