What We Search For (8 page)

Closing my eyes again, I
let my memories come back to me in patches, yet my head was foggy at best and
the room was spinning. I lay there a time until I gave up and dozed for a
while. The weight of Haley on my chest removed itself, and I opened my eyes to
her moving out of bed to gather her clothes. I couldn’t help but admire her
petite body as she left the room in her underwear to go to the bathroom.
Closing my eyes again I drifted.

Haley returned to the room
and jumped back in bed. She cuddled up to me which caused me to gasp, as her
hands had gotten cold. Looking at her, she apologized and put her head on my
arm, “Are you feeling better today, James? I never thought you would get so
angry like you were at the club last night. It didn’t seem like you at all.”
She said, concern in her voice, “I couldn’t believe it when I saw you punching
that guy like you had gone mad! What did he do?” She asked gently.

“Nothing. He did nothing.”
I started, looking away in shame, “I’m alright. I was drunk and a lot is
happening at the moment. I’m not in the best place.” I replied, not wanting to
talk about it any further. Haley seemed to understand and just watched me.

“If you ever need someone
to talk to, I’m here for you.” She said softly. Looking in her eyes I could see
her concern and sincerity.

“Thank you. I appreciate
that.” I mumbled, as my head sparked more pain. Another reminder of my binge
drinking from the night before.

We lay there for hours as
I tried to recover some composure. It was late in the day before I finally got
out of bed, but only to satisfy my extremely noisy stomach, which would not
stop complaining. Haley and I went to the kitchen, where we made macaroni and
cheese. We spent the remainder of the evening on the couch and watched TV. I
didn’t say anything to her, but I was extremely grateful for her staying with
me, as she was a welcome distraction from my thoughts.

“Feeling better?” Haley
asked from the other side of the couch.

“Much better thanks, I
almost feel like myself again.” I replied.

“That’s great.” She spoke
with a smile, “I have to get going. I have work tomorrow.” She added. After a
moment of thinking I sat up.

“Thanks for being here
with me. It means a lot to me. I needed the company.” I said, smiling at her
gratefully.

“I know. You don't have to
tell me what’s going on, but I could tell you needed a friend.” She replied,
standing up.

“Thank you.” I said with a
soft smile.

She walked to my room and
gathered her belongings. Once she was ready, she returned and looked at me
through narrowed eyes, “You sure you’re alright? Not going to get drunk and
fight people again are you?” She asked.

“I’m okay. For some reason,
I just lost it last night.” I replied seriously.

“Okay then. Take care of
yourself James.” Haley said. Walking to the door, she threw me a quick wave and
walked out.

The remainder of the night
I spent watching movies and trying not to think at all. Sleep found me fairly
easily when I got into bed and I was met with a dreamless night.

Easing myself from my bed,
my aches and pains were noticeable but overall I was much better. Breathing out
slowly, I composed myself as I heard my phone beep. I hadn’t checked it in over
a day.

Looking down at my phone,
I cursed as I had 15 missed calls and as many messages. Most from Chris and
Brad, but a few of them were from Amanda. The majority of them were checking
where I was and saying they were going out with the girls, and I should be
coming with them.

The later messages took a
turn for the worse. It appeared they had seen me in the club the other night
leaving with Haley. The final message I got was from Chris saying Amanda didn’t
take seeing me leave with Haley very well, and she and the girls had left
shortly after.

Amanda’s messages were the
same. Looking to see if I wanted to come out to the clubs. Where was I? But her
last was from the following day saying she hoped I had a great night and she
only had two more days until she went home. She left it at that, and I just
stared at her message not knowing what else to do.

Finally I picked up the
phone and dialed Chris. “Where the hell have you been? What happened to you the
other night? Are you alright?” He asked angrily as he answered the phone.

“Honestly man it’s hard to
explain.” I started. Sighing, I resigned myself to tell him the truth, “Chris.
My sister got into a car accident back home. She’s in a coma. I was going to go
home, but my family wants me to stay out here. I felt helpless, and got pissed
off and got into a fight. I also nearly had sex with Haley again.” I said,
letting it all spill out. ”I didn’t know what to do man, so I did something
stupid.” I added. There was silence for a moment as Chris took it all in.

“Why didn't you tell me
mate?” He said softly. He seemed surprised I had kept it to myself.

“I didn’t know what to say
and to be honest, it took me until now to even process it. She’s my sister man.
What am I meant to do?” I replied just as softly.

“I can’t even begin to say
how I would feel if something like that happened to one of my family members James,
but it’s not something you should deal with by yourself mate. Let’s go get a
coffee and talk this over.” He said.

I agreed and hung up.

Walking
through the doors of the coffee shop I spotted Chris off to the side with two
coffees in front of him. I joined him at the table and he handed me the second
cup. Standing up before I sat down, he came over and gave me a hug. It was nice
to have a friend like him. We sat down and spent the next hour together
speaking softly in the corner of the cafe about everything that had happened
over the last couple of days.

“Sarah has
always been there for me. She’s older than me and took it upon herself to keep
an eye on her little brother.” I said, “She’s an extremely amazing person, and
I wouldn’t trade her for anyone else.” I added with a fond smile.

“She sounds
great.” Chris said, nodding.

“She really
is. That’s why I took it so hard I guess. The feeling of not being able to do
anything to help really is brutal.” I replied slowly, “In the end I did stupid
shit, but it could have been worse I guess. I could have gotten arrested. I
could have gone all the way with Haley, when I really shouldn’t be. Don’t get
me wrong, I still messed up there, but I think it’s salvageable.” I said
seriously.

“Honestly
James. From what you’ve told me you shouldn’t worry about Haley so much. You
stopped yourself before things got really out of hand.” He said just as
seriously, “And as for the stupid shit…we’ve all done it. Sure you can regret
it! Or you can use it as motivation to not let it happen again.” He added,
“Finally. Don’t deal with this type of thing alone. You know you could have
come to me straight away. That is what friends are for mate. Let people help
you instead of going on a self-destruct.” He finished, leaning forward to emphasize
each point.

Looking at
Chris I smiled. “Thanks man. That means a lot to me.” I said, still smiling,
“You’re a good guy.” I added.

“Just don't
tell anyone else that. Alright?” He said with a grin, “I need to keep my bad
boy image intact.” He added.

“You? A bad
boy image?” I said, laughing at the end. Chris joined in.

“Hey! I’m a
tough guy!” He replied, making some sort of face. An attempt at a tough one, I
imagined.

“And I’m
Kermit the frog.” I said, grinning.

“Well Kermit.
I’m glad you’re feeling better.” He said, slapping me gently on the back.

“Yeah. Thanks
mate.” I replied.

After getting
everything off of my chest, he began to tell me of the night they had seen me
leaving the club. Apparently, they had met up with the girls early on in the
day, and then gone out to have fun. Everyone had tried to get in contact with
me.

“The day at
the hill was amazing. We all had a lot of fun. It’s a shame you didn’t make
it.” Chris was saying, “After that, we all decided it was a good idea to go
dancing. We were having a great time but then someone spotted you leaving with
Haley.” Chris added, “And once Amanda saw that, the night was over. They all
left. You might want to address that somehow. Maybe.” He said seriously,
“Anyway. Brad and I stayed on in the club and got drunk. It was standard stuff
really. He flirted with anything that moved and flexed a bit, and that’s about
it.” Chris said with a laugh.

“Sounds about
right for Brad.” I agreed with a laugh of my own, “Thanks again for this mate.
It’s really helped.” I added more seriously.

“Any time,
James.” He replied with a warm smile.

With everything that had
been happening the last few days, I found it difficult to pick up the phone and
speak to Amanda. Firstly what was I going to say, and secondly did she even care?
The way Chris had been talking it seemed she did care, given that she left
after spotting me leaving with Haley, but that just made it even more
difficult. What was I supposed to say?

Oh hey Amanda! Sorry you
saw me leaving with another girl the other night! Would you like to have a
drink with me?
Shaking my head in disgust, I resigned myself to the fact that I had screwed
up. Maybe just a simple text would do the trick, but that was a cop out. She
had wanted to spend more time with me and in all my wisdom I had gotten blind
drunk, and started a fight only to be kicked out of the club. Top that all off,
I’d been seconds away from fucking Haley, again.

I had to stop using my
sister as an excuse. I was an idiot, and there was nothing I could do for Sarah
right now. Instead of keeping my chin up, I went on a self-destructive rampage.
Arguing with myself seemed to be the flavor of the day. I wrote multiple draft
messages but deleted every one. I stared at the call button before putting down
my phone in disgust.

Picking my phone up again
after a moment’s hesitation, I stared at the screen again, and suddenly my
phone rang. At first I thought I had dialed out by mistake, but no. Amanda was
calling me. Watching the name flash on my screen, I hesitantly answered the
phone.

“Hello?” I said,
awkwardly.

“Hi, James, it’s me.”
Amanda said.

“Hi, Amanda, how are you
today?” I asked politely. A little too politely.

“I’m okay thanks. I wanted
to speak to you before I left for home as I feel we didn’t end things right.
Chris just spoke to me and told me what happened. I’m so sorry to hear about
your sister and I hope she gets better very soon.” She said slowly. Too stunned
to speak, I just listened as she spoke. “If I had known, I would have come and
spent time with you. You should have told me or your friends. I don’t mean to
lecture you, but I really think you shouldn’t bottle up your emotions like
that.” She said. I closed my eyes and thought of what to say. She was being so
kind to me it was overwhelming. I was still shocked Chris had said something to
her, but if he hadn’t I might not have had a chance to talk to her at all.

“I’m sorry Amanda. You’re
right, I should have said something. Instead I got drunk and made an absolute
idiot of myself in front of everyone. I just didn’t know what to do.” I said
slowly.

“I understand it’s a hard
time, but don’t take it out on yourself.” She replied.

“I’m in a better place
now. I’ve come to terms with it.” I started out, “It still doesn’t excuse my behavior,
but that’s something I have to live with. I’m sorry I didn’t join you the other
night. I would have loved to spend more time with you.” I said slowly. Shaking
my head, I thought to myself just what I might have screwed up between us.

“I would have liked that
too, but I’m leaving later today. I’d like to see you before I leave so we can
say goodbye properly!” She said hesitantly. My heart skipped a beat as she
spoke.

“I’d like to see you too.
When are you leaving?” I asked.

“In two hours, so it will
have to be a quick get together.” She said.

“Would you like to go for
a walk together?” I asked.

“Sure that would be nice.
Can you come to my hotel? I’ll be waiting outside.” She said. I agreed.

Walking up to her hotel, I
saw Amanda coming out the door. She smiled sadly at me, and my heart sank a
little. I went to her and she wrapped her arms around me warmly. “I could have
given you this hug the other night!” She said. I returned her tender touch with
my own.

“I wish I had said
something to you. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do.” I replied.

“It’s alright, I
understand.” She said, as she left the embrace.

We walked aimlessly.
Speaking of everything that happened. “I wish you didn’t have to leave. I
really enjoyed spending time with you.” I said.  My palms were getting sweaty.
I was nervous. She had a powerful effect over me.

“I know. It’s a shame, but
my holiday has to come to an end. You missed out yesterday too, as the girls
and I went snowboarding again. It was a lot of fun.” She said, with a slight
smile “I didn’t fall over much at all! I bet I could show you a thing or two.”
She added with a laugh.