What We Search For (10 page)

He replaced the ones on
Sarah’s bedside table and joined me at her side pulling up another chair. We
sat there quietly, speaking softly for hours. I filled Alex in on my adventures
and we spoke of better times.

The next few days were
filled with similarity as each morning I made my way to the hospital with my
mother and more often than not saw Alex there. It was a waiting game pure and
simple. The doctors kept filling our heads with positives and after a time I
could understand why. Sarah’s color seemed to be coming back slowly bit by bit,
and Alex could see it too. He had a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

We sat at the dinner table
eating quietly one evening when Mum’s phone rang. She walked over to the bench
and answered, “Hello?” After a moment, “Speaking.” Dad turned around and I put
my knife and fork down and we both watched as her facial expression changed
from confusion to understanding, and to what looked like sadness. Tears started
rolling down her cheeks and a smile cracked her face. “Oh my God. Thank you so
much! Thank you! Thank you! We’re on our way.” Hanging up the phone she turned
and looked at us.

Her eyes full with tears
of happiness, “She’s awake. She’s come back to us!” Mum cried. Dad stood and
walked over to her and held her tightly. She cried for a moment and said,
“Let’s go see our daughter.” Looking at me, she continued, “Your sister.”

The house was chaos as we
ignored the dinner cooling off on the table and gathered our things. Dad
managed to get us to the hospital in what I thought would easily have been
record timing.

We rushed through the
corridors and I couldn’t help but smile as my sister was waiting for us. We
rounded the final corner and found the door to her room closed. Mum knocked
gently and Alex came to the door. He looked as if years of stress had fallen
from his face. His eyes shone brightly, and with a warm smile, he beckoned us
all inside.

As we entered the room,
Sarah opened her eyes weakly and a gentle tired smile filled her face. She
tried to speak but only soft sounds came out. Instead, she beckoned us closer
and we wrapped her in a hug.

My eyes filled with tears
and I couldn’t help but cry. It had been a hard road since finding out she had
been in an accident. All of our worries and fears were starting to fall away,
and an overwhelming sense of relief flooded through me.

We stayed with her for
hours, until finally we were asked to leave and give her some rest. Alex
stayed, and Sarah was soon sleeping, but this time a natural sleep with a smile
upon her face.

Doctors spoke to us as we
were leaving saying that she would be fine, and that we just needed to give her
time to recover. She would soon be back to normal. Thanking them all we made
our way home with smiles on our faces. Everything would be alright after all.

Our next days were filled
with visits to the hospital. Sarah’s strength was returning and she was
speaking in bursts more and more. We spoke at first of nothing in particular
just enjoying each other’s company, and the fact she was returning to healthy,
but as she grew stronger she asked me of my travels.

“So little brother. Tell
me! What have you been doing while you were away?” She said slowly. I filled
her in entirely, leaving nothing out as we were alone for now. She smiled in
parts, laughed, and shook her head with a sad little smile at the end of my
story.

“So what you are telling
me is… You let this ‘amazing’ girl of yours get away just because your older
sister was in a little accident?” She said, shaking her head. I began to
protest but she stopped me with a laugh, “I’m glad you came home to see me
James. I’m also glad everyone made you stay in Canada after my accident.” She
began, her voice still fairly weak, “You would have been just another person
sitting in a hospital. No. You’ve done the right thing. As for this Amanda girl
of yours, we’re going to have to do something about that, aren’t we?” She said
with her no nonsense tone of voice.

Sarah looked off into the
distance and I could see she was already thinking of a plan. Shaking my head in
dismay, I threw my hands in the air playfully.

“I guess I won’t have a
choice in this will I?” I said indignantly, but a smile crept across my face.

“Not even a little bit.”
She replied.

My sister was back! It had
taken some time for her to be back to a state where the hospital staff were
confident she would be fine. But here we were. She was able to return home.

Sitting in her house with
the whole family present. Aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and everyone
else had come to welcome her home. It was great to see everyone so happy and
laughing. The family was back together again.

As I sat there I thought
to myself, it would be nice to have these occasions just for the sake of it,
instead of waiting for something to happen to someone. Putting those thoughts
aside, I returned my attention to Sarah who was thanking everyone for being
there for her.

We spent the day enjoying
everyone’s company until late in the day people started to head home. After
kissing everyone goodbye, Mum, Dad and I were the last to leave. Before doing
so Sarah managed to pull me aside. “Do you have Amanda’s email address at
least?” She asked in conspiring tones.

“Yes I do, but I haven’t
spoken to her since she left Banff. I don’t know what I would say to her.” I
replied.

“Don’t worry about that.
We’ll figure something out.” She said, winking.

“We?” I replied, looking
at her with eyebrows raised.

“Yes we, little brother. I
can’t let you torture yourself any longer, it’s sad to see!” She started, “Oh
my love stricken brother! What a sad state of affairs you are in.” She said
dramatically, placing the back of her hand on her head and striking a pose.

“Oh thanks so much Sis.” I
replied sarcastically.

“You’re so very welcome
brother.” She said, taking me painstakingly seriously. Which only served to
frustrate me more. She had always known which buttons to press, and when. I
could only sigh.

“Okay! Alright! I give up.
Let’s do it your way then.” I said, as I looked at her and held my hands in the
air in a sign of submission.

“Naturally.” She said,
patting me on the shoulder reassuringly, “Come by tomorrow and we will write
your fair maiden princess an email full of love and romance!” She said
laughing. I groaned and mumbled but a smile flashed across my face when she
wasn’t watching.

“Okay then I’ll see you
tomorrow, if you’re going to be so insistent. Love you Sis! Take care of
yourself!” I said, as I embraced her.

Mum and Dad said their own
goodbyes and we made our way home. On the ride back, I couldn’t stop thinking
of what I was going to say to Amanda. I was thankful I would have Sarah’s help
in the matter, but I could never tell her that. She would never let me forget
it.

My sleep was
interrupted with thoughts of Amanda throughout the night. Dreams of our kiss
mixed with the thoughts of how things had ended between us. She had such a
profound effect on me whenever I was around her, like I couldn’t control
myself.  Whatever the case, it wouldn’t help to be getting no sleep. Burrowing
my head deep into my pillow, I closed my eyes again and tried to let go of my
thoughts. Soon enough I was drifting back to sleep. Amanda’s smile soon found
its way into my dreams once more.

Sarah was well and back at
home. Morning came and I borrowed Mum’s car and drove to her house. As she
greeted me at the door, she walked me inside and told me some of the ideas she
thought might be appropriate for getting in touch with my princess. As she now
seemed to be referring to her. I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head.

“I’ve been thinking we
need to go with something simple to start off with. You haven’t seen her in a
while now, so you can’t get too full on right away. Even though you’re
desperately in love with her!” She said, laughing at me as she spoke. It seemed
Sarah couldn’t help herself. I guess that’s just the job of older sisters.

“Okay! So what am I meant
to say to her? I wouldn’t say I’m ‘desperately in love with her’ but sure I
want to spend more time with her.” I started slowly, “Shit. Let’s just call a
horse a horse. I’m lonely, Sis, but when I’m around Amanda I feel something
special like nothing else matters.” I added quietly, pausing for a few moments
to think.

“Remember, I hardly got to
know her in the end. This isn’t days of our lives.” I said slowly, “In real
life it doesn’t automatically work out. Plus, I don’t really have a good track
record with relationships.” I added with a little bit too much emphasis on my
past.

“You don’t have to tell me
that. I’ve seen how terrible you are at keeping girls. It’s not that there’s
something wrong with you, really.” She said with a laugh, “It’s just you seem
to push them away for one reason or another. Generally those reasons are
pathetic. Maybe it comes down to you being afraid to commit to anyone unless
they are perfect?” She continued, “Are you going to do the same with this girl
or are you actually going to try and get somewhere?” She said strongly, “I
don’t want to help you if you’re not willing to try for a change. I love you
little brother, but you are seriously an ass with women at times.” She said,
looking me square in the eye as she said it. I couldn’t look away as every
point she raised resonated deep within me. She was completely right, and I knew
it.

“You’re right.” I said,
slowly nodding my head. “You’ve hit the nail on the head. So what am I meant to
do?” I asked, as I looked at Sarah seriously.

“Firstly, you have to stop
rushing things so much. If something is meant to happen, you should let it take
its course and not try to be so forceful.” She started. I began to nod, “That’s
advice for any relationship. You think everything with Alex and I has been
perfect? We’ve had our fair share of arguments, and a fair few of them have
been very heated, but we showed each other patience. Because deep down no
matter what happens, at the end of the day we love one another,” She said
passionately, “So we take the time to work out our differences. You need to
learn to communicate, James. Unfortunately the world doesn’t work like it does
in the movies, and it doesn’t magically just happen. You have to be willing to
work on a relationship.” She said, her voice still rich with passion as she
finished. Sighing heavily, she stared at me expecting a response.

“What do I say to that? I
can’t argue your point as it makes perfect sense.” I started, “I mean it’s
always made perfect sense to me, but whenever it comes down to it, I guess it’s
been easier for me to run away. To make the easy choice.” I said shaking my
head, “Even now thinking about it it’s frustrating.” I added, not knowing what
else to say. Instead, I started to study my hands.

“If you just take the easy
option every time James, you’ll never achieve anything in life. Not just
relationships. Whatever you do you need to work hard towards it, and set your
sights on something you love. Don’t give up no matter what obstacles you come
across.” She said firmly. Shaking her head softly, she finished, “If you are
only going to take one thing away from this; never give up.”.

We sat together in silence
for a moment as her words sank in. “I’ll try.” I finally replied.

“That’s all I ask. I want
to see you succeed since you have so much potential, but you still tend to
throw it away.” She replied, reaching over she gave me a hug. “Well that got
deep very quickly didn’t it?” She said. Shattering the sombre mood we broke
into laughter.

“You just wanted to
lecture me no doubt.” I said, still laughing.

“Of course! Every chance I
get.” She said with a satisfied smile, “If I’m not going to keep my little
brother in line, who is?” She said as she tilted her head into the air
haughtily, “So let’s write an email!” She added, as she sat down in front of
the computer.

We stared at the screen
brainstorming. “How about ‘Dear Amanda’, is that too much?” I asked, trying to
get something started.

“No. That sounds way too
formal! You’re twenty seven, not fifty seven. No. Let’s kick it off with plain
and simple ‘Hi Amanda’. Yes, that will work best I think!” She said, as she
wrote it down on the draft email.

For what was seemingly
such a simple task we ended up staring at that screen for far too long arguing
over tiny bits, and the way things sounded. In the end, all we had were a few
sentences. It was casual, but after reading it a few times over, we seemed to
agree the final product was ready to be sent. Thinking about all the effort
that had gone into it, I couldn’t help but laugh. “What is it?” Sarah asked.

“It’s just funny how much
we argued over such a small thing. It’s just an email after all.” I said with a
grin. Standing up and stretching, I leaned over Sarah’s shoulder and read the
email one last time.

Hi Amanda,

It’s James.

How is everything working
out for you at home? Are you back at work now or looking to do further
traveling? I ended up coming back to Australia and I’m thinking of leaving
again to resume my travels, and I thought of what you said to me, about being
able to come and visit you. Would that offer still be on the table?