What You Wish For (14 page)

“
Just walking.”

“
Where have you been walking?”

“
I promised you I would not go there and I did not.”

“
But?”

“
But I intend to go there tomorrow and I think you know what I intend to say.”

“
Yes, I do. You could hardly do otherwise.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
I mean that after allowing her feelings to overcome her earlier, you are bound in honour. After the show she made of herself today you could hardly do anything else. The servants saw, you know. I'm sure her outrageous behaviour is already the talk of Milton.”

“
Bound in honour? Mother, I will ask for her hand because I love her, not because I have any desire to save her reputation!”

“
Do not be angry with me, John.” He was standing behind her chair so she put her embroidery down and stood up. She reached a hand up and cupped his cheek. “She has shown her feelings for all the world to see and I'm sure she will take you from me, that is why I did not want you to go. A
fter tonight, I will stand second. I wanted you to myself, all to myself, for a few hours longer, that is why I begged you not to go there tonight
.”

Touched by her words and encouragement, John leaned forward and kissed her cheek.

“
You do not want to try to talk me out of it?” he asked softly, for she had made a few comments in the past that gave him reason to believe that she thought Miss Preston an unsuitable wife for him.

“
Even if I could, I wouldn't. You are your own man, John, and I am proud of the man you have become. For all her faults, if she is the one you want I will support you. I will always support you.”

“
Thank you, Mother.”

Fearing a visit from Mr Thornton, the next day Carrie took herself out early. She walked hills and streets that she did not normally visit, although she was careful to keep away from the less salubrious areas of town.

Yesterday's violence had brought the strike to an end and Milton was back at work, the streets once again bustled with the industry that had been sadly lacking in the past few weeks.

She managed to keep herself busy until five o'clock, when she felt that she had no choice but to return home. She told the Hales that she had a headache and, taking a book with her for company, she headed to bed for the rest of the evening. She knew they would never disturb her, even for Mr Thornton but each time there was a knock at the door, she held her breath.

She intended to follow a similar plan the next day but as she left the house the following morning,
Mr Thornton was crossing the street to meet her.

C
arrie took a deep breath to try to prepare herself for what was about to come. Mr Thornton's features were set and he looked determined as he crossed the street and stopped a short distance in front of her.

“
Miss Preston, I see you are off for another all day walk,” he said, naturally falling into step beside her as by unspoken consent, they began walking.

“
Yes, I lost track of time yesterday.” She knew it was a poor excuse but telling him the truth, that she had been avoiding him, would have been cruel.

“
And evidently made yourself unwell,” he noted.

“
It was nothing.”

“
As I suspected.” He said with a wry smile, confirming her suspicion that he had easily seen through her excuse.

They walked in silence until they entered the park; Carrie trying to think of a way to stop him from asking what she thought he wanted to, and Mr Thornton waiting until they were alone before broaching the subject he had come to discuss with her.

“
Do you still wish to hide from me?” he asked as they wandered, neither of them particularly concerned about their destination.

“
No, that was cowardly of me. However I think I know what you are about to say, and I think you know that I must refuse.”

“
I know no such thing,” he assured her.

“
Mr Thornton... You are not destined to spend your life with me.”

“
So you have said before, and yet you never explain what you mean or how you could possibly know such a thing.”

“
Because you would not believe it if I did tell you, and I would rather you think me foolish than crazy.”

“
If I am not meant for you, as you put it, then why do you even care what my opinion of you is?”

“
Vanity, I suppose. You... you are something of a hero to me, Mr Thornton, and although I cannot have you, I should still hate for you to think badly of me.”

“
I could never think ill of you, Carrie.”

“
Mr Thornton, I don't think it is proper for you to use my first name.”

“
As you used mine yesterday?” he countered.

“
I was... distressed.”

“
Because you love me and you were worried about me.”

She was about to deny it but the words wouldn't come.

“
Yes,” she finally admitted in a small voice.

“
You admit that and yet continue to refuse me?”

“
Because-”

“
Because you are not meant for me!” he snapped. “And what of what I want? Does what I want count for nothing?”

“
No! I mean... Oh, don't confuse me.”

“
Confuse you!” he snorted. “I rather think it is you who spouts absurdities that you refuse to explain.”

“
Then why would you even want someone as reckless, wild and baffling as me?”

“
Why?” he grabbed her arm and spun her to face him, placing his hands on her shoulders to hold her still. “Because I love you, you foolish woman! Can you not understand that?”

He looked genuinely pained and Carrie felt tears prick her eyes.

“
Will you not even try and explain your reasoning to me?” he asked and Carrie was surprised to see tears shining in his eyes.

They stood there, seemingly frozen in time for a moment, until suddenly he released her and turned to walk quickly away.

Carrie watched him go, almost hoping that he would look back but he didn't. She knew how deeply she had hurt him but she was unable to see any way to change it. She stayed in the park for a few minutes longer and then headed home, taking her time as she walked the streets of Milton, using the hustle and bustle around her to keep her mind off recent events.

Back at the house she turned to her usual distraction of books. She didn't have the same selection here that was available in her time, but she managed to find a copy of Persuasion which she buried her head in for the rest of the day.

That evening a letter arrived for Carrie from Mr Thornton. She dreaded opening it, fearing his reproachful words, but he simply reprimanded her for not returning to work and stated that he expected her there at nine the following morning.

Carrie pondered her choice for the rest of the evening but in the end she knew that she would return to work. She told herself that it was because the Hales needed the money, but the truth was that she couldn't live without seeing him. He had become like oxygen to her, vital to her survival and she could no more turn him down that she could have cut off her own arm.

Chapter Ten

The next few weeks proved to be a torment to both Carrie and Mr Thornton.

As though determined to prove himself over her, Mr Thornton spoke to her only when he had to and never looked at her unless absolutely necessary. Carrie did her work to the best of her ability and left, breathing a sigh of relief each day to leave his stifling presence behind her and yet even moments after she had left, inexplicably looking forward to seeing him again the next day.

Mr Thornton took every opportunity to visit the house, showing Mrs Hale the utmost care and concern during his visits, and often bringing her gifts of fresh fruit or flowers.

Again, he rarely spoke to Carrie or even looked at her while he was there, but he seemed to go out of his way to be solicitous to Margaret.

Though this was what she wanted, what must happen, what was destined to happen, it broke Carrie's heart to witness it.

As expected, poor Bessy Higgins died and Mr Higgins became a frequent visitor to the house as he talked with Mr Hale about his grief and many other matters. Carrie enjoyed these talks because Mr Higgins was passionate about the subjects that they discussed, and she found it easy to get distracted by his persuasive arguments.

At work though, Carrie's torment seemed endless and some days, she even wondered if she was doing the right thing by staying in Milton. Without independent means though, she had little choice. She often spoke to her aunt when she was alone, though sadly her aunt could no longer offer her the wisdom that she had shown when she was alive.

One afternoon Carrie was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling above her, but at least she wasn't crying for a change. When Margaret entered their room unexpectedly, she sighed as she saw Carrie and sat down next to her.

“
Will you not tell me what troubles you so?” she asked. “Every day I see you looking more and more miserable, and I only wish there was something I could do to help you.”

“
There's nothing anyone can do.” Carrie said.

“
How do you know unless you tell me?”

Carrie didn't reply.

“
Is it your family?” Margaret asked.

“
I do miss them,” she confessed. Lately she had often been getting their picture out of her purse and staring at it. Truth be told it wasn't so much them that she missed, but the familiar. Everything here was so different, so backwards! Her only solace during her predicament had been Mr Thornton, and now even he seemed to hate her. “But it is not that.” She admitted as she looked at Margaret. “There is someone I like very much but I cannot have him.”

“
You are heartsick,” Margaret sympathised, for although she had not experienced it herself, she had often read about how painful lost love could be.

“
I suppose.” Carrie had never heard it called that but it wasn't a bad description.

“
He does not love you?” Margaret asked.

“
No, I believe he does but he is not mine to have.”

“
I'm sorry,” Margaret took Carrie's hand, assuming that the man she loved was betrothed to another. It wasn't uncommon for men to marry for money, forsaking the women they truly loved in the process.

“
It's not your fault,” Carrie said.

“
Perhaps not, but you have been so good to my family and especially my father, that it pains me to think of you being unhappy, no matter what the cause.”

Carrie wiped her eyes and tried to smile.

“
Thank you.”

Margaret smiled back.

“
Do you know, I thought for a time that you might like Mr Thornton.”

Carrie's eyes shot to Margaret's and she looked frightened, as if she had been caught.

“
It is Mr Thornton? But he is not engaged, is he?”

“
No, not exactly. It's complicated.”

“
I'm sure, but... well does someone else have a prior claim on him?”

“
Yes, I suppose.”

“
Someone we know?”

This was getting a little too close for comfort so Carrie didn't answer.

“
Well, you are far too good for the likes of him, anyway,” Margaret said, trying to comfort her in some small way.

“
You still don't like Mr Thornton then?” Carrie asked, for surely Margaret should be warming to him by now.

“
I do not dislike him as such, but I do not particularly like him either. He has been very kind to my mother, and I know how much Father values his lessons with Mr Thornton. For those reasons I am pleasant to him but I cannot claim to like him.”

“
Because he is a manufacturer?”

“
No, because he is rather rough. His ways are not our ways and I find them very unappealing.”

Carrie sighed, for it was starting to seem that she had no hope of getting Margaret to ever like Mr Thornton.

The next week Carrie saw a poster for a circus that was coming to Milton and her eye was caught by one of the other attractions that would be there, namely psychic readings by Lilith.

Her Aunt Imelda had loved psychics and had believed in them, through she freely admitted that many were charlatans.

Despite having no luck wishing herself home, Carrie was unable to forget the letter Aunt Imm had written and how she spoke about the earrings giving Carrie her heart's desire. Was it possible that something mystical was happening here? Or was this all just one big long dream, in which case she really should throw herself at Mr Thornton, for no harm could come from a dream.

She resolved to go and see the psychic while the circus was in town. It might be a waste of time but if there was even the slightest hope of understanding what was happening to her, she would take it.

Chapter Eleven

The day before the circus arrived in town, Frederick Hale came to see his mother and the whole house went into lockdown.

When he joined the navy, the family had high hopes for Fred, Mr Hale especially, believing that it would be the making of him. Unfortunately when he joined another ship, his new captain turned out to be a tyrant who beat and abused his crew. During one such beating it looked as if the captain would kill the young deck hand, still only a child and, sickened by what he saw, Fred felt he had no choice but to step in. With few options at their disposal, he and a handful of the other officers set the captain and those officers who were still loyal to him afloat on a life raft.