Whatever He Wants (40 page)

 
     
“That’s nice of you to say, James.”

 
     
“It’s the truth. Sorry for the
interruption but I needed to get that out in the open.”

 
     
“Thanks. I’m not really sure where to
start, and I don’t want to bore you with all the details that are probably
better left in the past, but when we first met my self-esteem was fragile. I
was so starved for love I latched on to the first person who made me
feel…wanted.” She broke off. “I’m not doing a good job of explaining myself.”
She laughed nervously

 
     
James threw caution to the wind and
reached across the table and captured her hand in his. He saw it as a positive
sign when she didn’t pull her hand away. “You’re doing a fine job so far.” He
rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb, unable to resist the temptation.

 
     
“I wasn’t always like this in case you
wondered. When my mom was alive she always managed to make me feel loved and
special. I’m not sure if it was because my father died before I was born and
she tried extra hard, but whatever reason, I always knew my mom loved me. But
then she died. That’s who Paul and I named the bakery after, by the way. Her
name was Dorothy Bea but most people called her Dot. You would have liked her.
There wasn’t a person my mom couldn’t charm.” A smile flitted across Noelle’s
lips.

 
     
“If she was anything like you, I’m sure I
would have.”

 
     
Noelle lowered her eyelids, hiding her
thoughts from him. “As you can imagine, it was devastating for me to lose her.
One day we were making cupcakes in the kitchen and the next day she was gone.
She was my best friend and I still miss her so much.”

 
     
James could feel her sorrow. He felt the
same way when his grandfather had died, his one and only champion. “It was like
no one else would ever love you the way that person did, right?”

 
     
“Yes. How did you know?”

 
     
“We’re not as different as you think, but
go ahead. Tell me more about your mom.”

 
     
 
Noelle smile seeming to find joy in her
mother’s memory. “She was such a beautiful person inside and out. She was
really smart and always had something nice to say. We’d do a lot of fun stuff
together, like going to the beach or the library or the park. My favorite
moments though were on Sundays, when we’d bake. She’d create the most amazing
things. Most of the recipes I use now came from her.

 
     
 
“So
when she died, her death shattered me. I was hustled off to live with an aunt I
barely knew.  She was my mom’s older sister. Mom never mentioned Aunt
Frieda much except to say they didn’t always see eye to eye. I remember the
first thing my aunt said to me on the day I went to live with her. She said,
she was only doing her Christian duty and hopefully I don’t turn out to be a
heathen like my mother.”

 
     
James wished she was exaggerating but he
knew firsthand how vicious people could be. “That’s pretty awful.”

 
     
Noelle shrugged. “That’s not the worst
thing she’s ever said to me. My aunt lived with her husband Sylvester who was
quite a bit older than her, and her two sons from her second marriage, and
Simone from her first.”

 
     
“So Sylvester was her third husband?”

 
     
“According to Simone, Sylvester was her
fifth and they’re still together. Sylvester is a pastor, and I think my aunt
likes the allure of being the First Lady of a church. She put on a front as
being a holy Christian woman, but to me and Simone she was horrible. Not a day
went by when she didn’t she call me a burden, useless, stupid, or ugly. It
didn’t help that my cousins Derrick and Damon took their cue from her,
tormenting me at home and at school. They were popular so they basically turned
the entire student body turned against me. I had no friends. After hearing how
worthless I was over and over again, I started accepting it.” Noelle sounded
sad as she relayed her story to him. James wanted to track her aunt down and
wring her neck.

 
     
How could anyone say such things to a
child, and call themselves a Christian, no less. He was never big on religion
but he understood the basic Judeo-Christian principles. Noelle’s aunt didn’t
sound like a true follower of her faith.

 
     
“She was wrong, Noelle.”

 
     
“I didn’t know that then. I just took her
word as gospel.  I doubt I would have survived living there had it not
been for Simone. But when she left I used art as my escape, but she tried to
destroy that too. I once had a notebook full of drawings but Aunt Frieda found
them in my room and tossed it into the fireplace. She told me it was garbage
and I guess that’s why I had a hard time believing in my own talent. It crushed
me and made me hopeless.

 
     
 
“But the mental games and verbal abuse weren’t
as bad as the things she’d say about my mother. She’d used to say to things
about Mom to get under my skin and it worked. I never knew why she hated me so
much.”

 
     
“Do you think the bad blood between her
and your mom spilled over to you?”

 
     
“I think so. It wasn’t until very recently
I realized Aunt Frieda was jealous of my mother. My mom was resourceful. She
put herself through school, took care of me and never relied on anyone for
help. My mom had it together and people liked her. And Aunt Frieda resented her
for it.”

 
     
The more he heard about Noelle’s aunt, the
more his disgust grew. “Do you think she took you in solely for the purpose of
tormenting you in a warped way to get back at your mother?”

 
     
“That could be part of it, but the main
reason was the money. My mom was struck by a drunk driver, but she could have
survived her wound. She died from malpractice. The hospital made a significant
settlement in my mom’s name which was put in a trust for me. Only a guardian
would be able to draw funds from it for my care until I turned eighteen. My
aunt knew this but she never used any of that money on me. My clothes were
hand-me-downs from the church’s donation bin, and I was rarely allowed any
extras unless my aunt felt like showing off her benevolence to her church
friends. She spent most of that money on herself and her sons.”

 
     
James flinched as he listened to Noelle’s
tale of torment. “How could that woman live with herself?”

 
     
Noelle laughed without humor. “She seemed
to do it quite well, actually. The icing on the cake is, when I was seventeen
she pushed me into a relationship with one of the church deacons. She told me
I’d have to marry him because I wouldn’t do better for myself since I was too
stupid to be on my own. I didn’t even like Walter but I felt I had no choice.
He made my skin crawl, not to mention he was a disgusting pervert. But I was so
programmed I believed he was all I deserved.” She looked down as if she was
ashamed of herself. In James’s opinion, the only person who should be ashamed
was her aunt.

 
     
“Thank goodness Simone came for me when I
turned eighteen. She helped me get control of my trust. Simone wanted me to
live with her but I didn’t want to be a burden, so I lived on my own for a
couple of years, working a dead end job. But it was a small town and I ran into
my aunt more than a few times. Let’s just say they weren’t pleasant encounters.
Finally Simone convinced me to move away and live with her. Living with Simone
was different. She was supportive and loving and she encouraged me to apply to
art school. To my surprise I made it in, but I was so damaged from living with my
aunt, I lacked the confidence to finish. I felt like such a loser no matter how
much Simone tried to prop me up. And that’s where you came in. You were this
handsome, self-assured man, and I was awestruck by you. I couldn’t believe
someone like you would want me, but your good look and charm weren’t the real
reasons I fell for you.”

 
     
She stopped, finally pulling her hand away
as she began to fidget again.

 
     
“Why Noelle?”

 
     
“I felt this connection between us because
you were broken too. You hide it well but it takes a person who’s suffered to
notice it in someone else. I took it as a sign that we were meant to be. But we
were disastrous together because we were both damaged goods, and we acted out
to mask that pain we silently suffered. You felt the need to treat me the way
you did and I let you because I didn’t know any better. I thought I had to
suffer for our love and that you’d eventually change. But you didn’t and I
finally realized you wouldn’t…not until you admitted you were damaged too.”

 
     
A damp trail traced his cheek before James
realized, several tears had fallen. Her story broke his heart. He ached for the
little girl who felt unloved, and the woman she’d become who was so desperate
for that love that she took anything given to her. The fact that he played a
role it added to his guilt. He’d never doubted Noelle’s intelligence but her
insight surprised him nonetheless.

 
     
James had told himself that he no longer
cared about the people that hurt him for so long that he’d began to believe the
lie.

 
     
Noelle slid out of the booth and joined
him on his side. She wiped the tears from his face. “If you want to let go of
whatever it is you’re holding on to, you can, but if you’re not ready, that’s
okay too. Whoever hurt you, or made you the way you are or were
,
it wasn’t your fault. It was them,” she said softly. She
was so close if he leaned over just a little more, their lips would touch. He
suddenly noticed a few other patrons at the deli were staring at them. He
wasn’t used to making himself vulnerable and wasn’t comfortable enough to give
anyone a show. But he did owe it to Noelle to tell her his side of things.

 
     
“Do you mind if we get out of here? Go for
a drive? I promise I’ll talk in the car.”

 
     
“I drove the van here.”

 
     
“It’s okay, I can drop you off.”

 
     
“Okay.”

 
     
Noelle felt like a weight had been lifted
off her shoulders after telling James about her past. It was cathartic in the
way, that
for the first time she acknowledged how her aunt,
cousins, the school bullies, and Walter had treated her wasn’t her fault.
Letting go of that was a freeing experience and she hoped it would do the same
for James.

 
     
Noelle could no longer lie to herself
anymore. She still loved him. That didn’t necessarily mean the two of them
would end up together and have the happy ending that was in the movies, but at
least this night would set them both on a path of much needed healing.

 
     
As they rode in silence, Noelle took that
time to reflect. Occasionally, she’d wipe away a tear, feeling relieved that
she’d finally been about to talk about her past. Not even Simone had known the
full depths of Noelle’s pain. She felt as if she could really breathe again.

 
     
When James pulled his car up to a large
gate surrounding a mansion, he gave a verbal command to his vehicle’s dashboard
computer and the gate opened.

 
     
“Is this your house?”

 
     
“Do you mind? I promise I won’t try anything.
I thought we’d get more privacy here. And this may be my only chance to show
you my home. I should have done this a long time ago.”

 
     
“James…”

 
     
“I know. This will change nothing.”

 
     
She didn’t disagree with him and instead
focused on the huge structure in front of her.

 
     
“You live in this house all by yourself?”

 
     
“I have a live in housekeeper but she’s
off for the next couple weeks to handle a family emergency.”

 
     
“It’s huge. It must have a lot of
amenities.”

 
     
“This house has a home theater, a gym and
a bowling alley. I’ll give you the tour if you’d like.”