Whatever It Takes (9 page)

“
Yes ma'am.”

I hang up and get to work.

             
Back at home, Emily is already in bed. I kiss her forehead before going to shower. I'm as quiet as possible since my Sweetness is sleeping. Working late, I didn't expect her to wait up for me, but part of me wishes she had. It's a wonderful feeling to know that when I come home from a long day someone is waiting up for me.

I want to see those beautiful brown eyes and her smile. Even if it's just a sleepy smile. I want to share with her about my day and learn about hers.

I turn the shower off and the cool air surrounds my wet body as I open the stall door. Stepping out of the shower, I grab a towel from the counter and dry off. I step into my pajama pants and brush my teeth. The water seems extra cold in my mouth as I swish. I spit and wipe my mouth. Darkness envelopes me when I flip the switch.

My eyes take a moment to adjust and I can faintly make out Emily's figure in the bed. Slowly, I walk over, turn back the covers, and climb in beside her. Once comfortable, Emily turns around.

“
Hey,” she whispers as her hands run up my chest.

“
Hey, Sweetness. How was your day?”

“
Fine. How was yours after you punched Kyle three times?”

Her tone carries a serious note even in a whisper.

“
It was long. How'd you know how many times?”

“
I guessed.”

I can hear the smile in her voice. Grabbing her hands, I kiss her knuckles before pulling her to me. Quickly, I realize that she isn't wearing her pajamas, but an old tee of mine along with a pair of my sweatpants instead.

“
Wearing my clothes again?”

“
They're comfortable, Jake. Are you working tomorrow?”

“
Yes, but I get off early.”

I know she's smiling. Quickly, I kiss her without a second thought. I can’t contain myself. She is so damn beautiful even in complete darkness. Resting my head on my pillow, Sweetness starts talking.

“
Since we don't have to work the night away, what do we plan on doing?”

“
We could go out.”

“
How about we just stay home?”

“
And do what,” I ask, a smile playing on my lips.

Her reply is a kiss that makes me never want to leave this bed.

***

Today, I'm supposed to get off early. Damn work. Of course, the one time I have plans and I have to work overtime. Hearing the disappointment in Emily's voice is enough to make me want to quit and go home to her. Bills need to get paid though. The extra money will come in handy, no doubt.

By the time I get home, all I want to do is go straight to bed. Emily has other plans and begins to bitch at me the moment I walk in the door.

“
What happened to helping out around the house, Jake? I'm sick of doing all the work.”

“
Emily, can this wait until tomorrow? I'm tired and would love to go to sleep.”

“
No! I've spent all day thinking about this and we are talking about it now. You said you would pick up your slack, but obviously not.”

She is pacing back and forth behind the couch. I lean against the door frame, a smirk playing on my lips. No need to deny that a mad Sweetness turns me on.

“
Jake! Have you heard a word I've said? Don't even think about trying to seduce your way out of it! I'm sick of having to work, going to school, and then coming home to clean up after us all the time. I'm tired of dealing with the miscarriage myself. You don't seem to be good for anything other than sex.”

Taken aback by her words, I just look at her for a second. Then I unleash a storm that I didn't even know was brewing inside of me.

“
Dealing with it yourself? You've got to be kidding me. I've been trying for months to get you to talk to me and you insist on going elsewhere. Damn it Emily! I've tried and tried but all you do is shut me out. What more do you want?”

“
I'm tired of the emotional train wreck. There's nothing I want more than to feel better about everything. I don't know what to do anymore. If I bottle it up, it hurts our relationship. If I let it all out, it hurts our relationship. Maybe we should just take a break from each other. What if what I need is to be to myself for a few weeks?”

“
You
are ruining us. That you got right. If you would just let me help you, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. But hell no. The world has to go up in flames before you allow yourself to trust me in helping you. You want a break? Then you have it.”

I go to our bedroom, slam the door shut, and begin packing a few essentials. The plan is to give Emily all the damn time she needs to herself. Why I said I would do whatever it takes to help her I don't know. She has made it apparent that she doesn't want my help. With clothes and other essentials, I walk out of our bedroom. I don't look for Emily and I don't say goodbye as I see myself out.

9

Emily

I want to scream at Jake not to go. It's me who wanted this. Not him. Sometimes, I hate the fact that he will do whatever I ask if he thinks it might help me. His strength, his love. I need them both, especially with my mind in turmoil and my stomach in knots so tight, I would have to cut them out just to get rid of them.

Yet, I didn't stop him from walking out.

I could have. But I didn't.

If worries were warts, my body and soul would be covered in them. I feel like a scared turtle hiding in its shell only to peek out for a glance. I eventually come out once it's clear that Jake isn't going to come back. In my bed, I finally allow myself to let out all my grief and heartache.

Bolting upright, I regain some composure from the nightmare I just had. I must have fallen asleep while crying. Rolling over I expect to see Jake but the night's events come back full force. Fine. I don’t want him here anyway. In this dream, he once again killed my precious little baby with a smile on his face while blaming me for the entire thing.

Hours pass and I'm still awake. Not knowing what to do with myself, I'm tempted to call Kyle. After all, the girls don't know about the miscarriage and I don’t want to explain everything to them at four in the morning. However, I know that I shouldn't. All this thinking has made me realize that I was sending Kyle the wrong message. That's clear to me now. Even though I know that we are just friends doesn't mean that Kyle or Jake knows it.

The realization that I am mad at Jake hits me like a cannon ball. The house feels empty without him, but I ignore it. I am still pissed at having to clean up after both of us. A little help here and there would be nice. I am just as busy and tired as he is. It ticks me off that he would be too tired to help out, but not too tired to have sex with me.

I kicked Jake out. My nightmares are worse. Jake's probably furious with me. I'm tired of dealing with everything. I want to be able to sleep one night without waking up in fear. Every time Jake and I get on solid ground, something happens and I go and mess it up.

What am I going to do? I love Jake so much, but what if it's not enough?

I just want to go back to the way things were before. What if I've messed things up permanently? Nothing is easy anymore, but what was I expecting?

It is like a storm with dark, ominous clouds covering up the sun. It's so hard to remember the sun is there at all with all the darkness covering it up. I have to find my sun again. It is something that I feel I need to do alone.

Days pass in a numb routine. I want to go to Jake's hockey games to see how he's been doing on the ice. Instead, I
have been sitting at home. Sometimes alone, sometimes with one of the girls. They have been really supportive, even if they don’t really know what all is going on between Jake and myself.

Finally, I give in and go to a game. I sit in the very last row in order to conceal my presence. I'm relieved to see Jake at his best, even with me at my worst. It's good to know that our current situation isn't affecting his playing. 

In fact, it seems as if it is benefiting his game. Shots that Jake normally wouldn't try to make, he was hitting them anyway. Nine times out of ten, he scored.

“
Hey,” a female sits beside me.

I look over, but I don't recognize her.

“
Um, hey.”

“
I'm Eve. I am the girl who dropped Jake off that night at Coffee Beans.”

“
Oh. Okay. Are you good friends with Jake?”

“
Shouldn't you know? You
are
his girlfriend, aren't you?”

“
Not at the moment.”

Realization dawns on her face and her small lips form a tiny o.

“
Well, we are good friends. We've been hanging out a lot lately.”

“
How is he?” The voice that slips out is the one I spent too long with. I thought I had parted with it forever, but there it is.

“
He seems distracted mostly. Except for when he's playing.” Eve turns to look at Jake skating across the ice.

“
Jake always gets lost in the game once he steps into the rink.”

“
I know.”

I tilt my head to the side to look at this girl who was spending so much time with Jake. Jealously rises but I push it away. Kyle had been at the house a few times since, so it isn't like he is the only one hanging out with someone else.

“
I'm the goalie on the girl's team,” she answers my unspoken question.

I see that time is running out on the scoreboard.

“
I should get going. Jake doesn't know I'm here. It was nice meeting you.”

“
Nice to finally meet you too.”

My mind lingers on who this Eve may be to Jake. Just because we are on a break from one another doesn't mean that we are seeing other people, does it?

The thought comes and goes as the days pass in a blur. I'm still that scared turtle hiding in my shell. Life has been passing me by numbly. I hurt, but this is how I choose to deal with it. On my own.

I miss my conversations with Drake, Jake, and my dad.

I miss Jake's touch.

I miss Jake's love the most.

Thanksgiving comes, so I'm off to see my father.