Whatever It Takes (6 page)

For the past six months, I have made so many little, stupid mistakes and now they are all coming back to bite me in the ass. I can’t help but feel as if these mistakes are going to cost me Emily. She is the sole thing in my life that I can’t afford to lose. I would rather give up my beloved hockey than to lose my Sweetness.

The
se
thoughts rattle my brain all through the night and all through the following day. Still no word from Emily. Desperately, I push
those
these thoughts out of my mind. Drake calls and I answer to discover that he's having trouble in school. His voice is desperate as he asks if I can come home like Emily. It hurts to tell the little man no. With a sigh, I realize that I have to focus.

Our game against the rival school starts in thirty minutes and focus was required. The arena would be full of kids from both colleges and I want to do my team justice.

I take a deep breath to allow the cool air to enter my system. Listening to my skates cut into the ice as I skid to a stop calms my nerves. As soon as the puck hits the ice, the world falls away.

It’s intense, to say the least. Adrenaline surges through my bloodstream as a player from the opposing team slams into me and I am pushed into the glass, which I use to bounce back to steal the puck. Skating as fast as I can, I rush to the other side. Two guys come up on my side and try to block me. I take a chance. Just like I did the day I met Emily. I push the puck forward just as I slide past the net.

I shoot.

I score.

We won 5-4. It was a close one, but we got it. There is going to be a huge after party somewhere, but I am exhausted. My energy is gone and all I want to do is climb into bed next to Emily. My shoulders droop as I realize that I’m returning to an empty bed.

Hell, I’m going to the party.

Girls were grinding against guys and my eyes easily found Eve. Making my way over, she asks me to dance. So we do.  A drink is always in my hand and empties way too fast. No problem. There is plenty of alcohol and I consume
d
a good chunk of it.

“
Why drinking so much,” Eve yells over the music.

“
Girlfriend troubles. Life troubles.”

She leans forward to talk into my ear. “Life is good. Were you not there while you were playing? You did awesome,”

“
Thanks. How about you? Where's the boyfriend?”

“
No boyfriend.”

“
You're hot enough for one. Sure you aren't playin' me?”

Eve laughs. “I'm sure.”

***

Little rays of fucking sunshine peek through the blinds and right into my eyes. My head is pounding and I swear I can hear my heart beating in my head. I’m pretty sure I can feel it slamming against my forehead as well. My eyes fall heavily but pop open again quickly at the realization that I have practice this morning. There’s no telling what the punishment is for showing up late and hung over. I’ll probably find out though. I toss the covers aside and begin my morning routine.

With half the team suffering a hangover, Coach is twice as loud as usual and runs us to death. I can’t even count how many times I skate up and down the ice in the two very long hours. Tempted to skip class, I walk over to Coffee Beans for a coffee. Hopefully, it’ll wake me up. If it wasn’t for hockey, I would skip today but. Coach requires us to attend every class unless we are dead.

What if I feel like I am dead? After buying my coffee, I turn around and there stands Eve. Her smile is too bright and too friendly for seven in the morning. I nod in greeting as I take a sip of my coffee. It burns a hot streak down my throat and into my stomach.

“
I was just thinking about you,” Eve comments as she moves in to give her order.

“
Oh really? What about me?”

“
I was wondering if you knew that your girlfriend was out with that guy again.”

Impossible. “She’s out of town at the moment. You probably got her confused with someone else.”

Eve begins to describe Emily’s features and I nod in affirmation with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

“
That’s her then. She was at the breakfast restaurant a few blocks down the road.”

I checked my watch. There wasn’t any time to go check. “Thanks.”

I walk away and go to my first class. Emily wouldn’t cheat on me, would she? She’s supposed to be at Mike’s and yet she was having breakfast with Kyle. There isn’t any time for this right now. I have to pay attention. The thought that Emily may be cheating is too distracting. Once I return home for the day, around eight o’clock, I feel guilty for even thinking it. Emily wouldn’t do such a thing.

To prove myself right, I finally call her. After all, I've yet to hear from her. Each ring seems to take forever to finish and the pauses in-between seems to last even longer. She picks up on the fourth ring.

“
Hello,” she answers sounding a bit breathless.

“
Hey Sweetness. How’s it going?”

“
Good. I’ll probably come home tomorrow.”

“
Why didn’t you stop by today?” I ask.

Emily is quiet for a moment before answering. “How'd you know?”

“
A friend.”

“
I was only there for an hour or two. It was something I needed to do in person.”

I try to keep my voice gentle as I say, “Why him? Why can’t you talk to me?”

“
His mom went through it. He can help me Jake.”

“
And I can’t?”

“
Jake, you do help me.”

“
Then why aren’t you here? If I can help you so much, then why are you at your dad’s? Why are you coming up here to see some other guy if I can help you? If I can help you then why do you keep running away from me?”

I don’t understand her logic.
We
lost our baby.
We
grieve over our baby. It was
our
baby. Before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth.

“
Emily, you aren’t the only one who lost something here. That was my baby too. Why in the hell are you being so self-centered?”

The silence spoke so loudly.

“
Sweetness, I’m so sorry. This is hard for me too. It bothers me when you won’t let me help you.”

“
Jake, I have to go.”

No. Not that voice. Please tell me I didn’t just hear that same trembling voice I once heard when Emily’s mom called her. Damn it. Emily hung up before I could speak another word. I toss my phone across the room and head to the bathroom for a shower. Exhausted mentally and physically, I plan on going to bed immediately afterward.

Hot water slides down my body and re-energizes me. Steam dances around my head and shoulders. Shifting left to right, it is as if somehow my cloudy mind is being pulled this way and that until all the knots are untangled. Thirty minutes later and I'm both squeaky clean and utterly alone as the empty apartment seems to grow into one big abandoned place.

Tossing and turning. It is all I can do. My mind is weighed like a ton of bricks with those words I spoke to Emily. The sound of the front door opening and closing causes me to bolt up. Footsteps sound throughout the rooms and keys clack together as they are set on a surface.

Just as I am about to get out of bed, Emily’s silhouette appears in the doorway of our bedroom. I reach over to turn on the light. My heart swells at the sight of her. A piece of it also cracks. Wearing pajamas, Emily moves forward to climb into bed. I can see that her eyes are puffy and red. My mouth opens, but Emily speaks first.

“
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Jake. Sometimes, I feel good about life and other, times I wish it would end. I want to talk to you, I do. It’s so hard, though. It seems as if this is hardly affecting you, while I’m a train wreck. and I feel as if you wouldn’t understand. Kyle is showing me a different perspective that makes accepting this easier. And you keep making it harder.”

Emily looks over at me from her seat on the edge of the bed. Worry fills her eyes and remorse fills my own.

“
I’m so sorry, Sweetness. I guess it’s me who is being selfish. I want be the one helping you. Not Kyle.”

“
Are you jealous,” she asks with a small smile.

I chuckle and reply, “Only because I’m scared you are going to find someone better for you. Someone like Kyle.”

7

Emily

Hearing that Jake is scared of losing me to Kyle is crazy. Sure, Kyle has an awesome personality and is cute, but he’s nothing compared to Jake. I scoot over to rest my head against Jake’s chest. Finally I feel at home as he wraps an arm around me, resting his hand on my hip.

“
To me, accepting this means that I have to push the baby out of my mind. That is so unbelievably hard when I have to watch so many mothers come into Coffee Beans. I truly do want to talk to you about this Jake. But we’re both so busy. I hardly see you anymore much less have the time to really talk to you. Kyle says I have to take it day by day, but that’s tough. Everyday it’s as if life’s worst traits keep coming at me. I just want it to get better,” I finish quietly as I change my sitting position to bury my face in the crook of Jake’s neck.

“
Sweetness,” Jake speaks and I can tell that he's trying to keep his calm. “I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. Instead going to see Kyle, you should have come to see me. Don't use us being busy as an excuse. Make time to talk to me. You could wait up for me and then we’d talk when I get home. Instead, you go to sleep.”

“
I'm tired, Jake,” I begin but Jake cuts me off.

“
Stop making excuses!” he grits through his teeth. “Listen to what I have to say just once. Not Mike. Not Kyle. No one.
Me.
I want you to listen to
me.
Talk to
me.
As for when I see a mother with her baby, instead of thinking about our loss I think about how grateful I am that the mother isn’t experiencing what you are over her baby. Anytime something negative creeps its way into my mind, I try to really believe that there is some reason we aren’t parents right now. It’ll happen one day, Sweetness. This time in our life just  wasn’t the right time is all.”

Those words are hard to hear when all I want is my  baby. Simply because it was the only creation in the entire universe that was a piece of Jake and me. The miscarriage has me scared about the possibility of future pregnancies. What if that baby could be the only creation of the two of us?

I close my eyes and take in the scent of Jake. He
smells like ivory soap and his body’s natural scent. I love that I can tell when he has showered. No time to get lost in that. Jake isn’t finished.