Whatever It Takes (5 page)

I’ve got to stop. Having the baby right now would be terrible timing. I squeeze my eyes shut as a tear falls against my will. Terrible timing would be so much better than this ache in my heart. An ache that will never go away. I want nothing more than to hold that plush teddy bear against my chest and cry myself to sleep.

However, I don’t want to share that with Jake. Not yet. The bed sinks with Jake’s weight and seconds later, I feel his arms attempt to turn me around to face him. I hold my ground. He worries so much as it is. Jake doesn’t need to find me crying over something that he seems to be having an easier time dealing with. Does that mean he doesn’t think about it as much as I do? That he is actually happy instead of heartbroken?

Jake’s voice sinks into my ear.

“
Sweetness, what’s the matter?”

My throat constricts and I know that if I open my mouth, I’ll choke on tears. Jake finally rolls me over to face him and I slam my eyes shut to avoid looking at those green beauties.

On cue Jake says, “Aw Sweetness” as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. His voice is full of love and it rips my heart to shreds but the anger still burns within me. I scream at Jake as if a volcano is finally erupting after months of rumbling in wait.

“
Why aren’t you an emotional wreck? Why do I feel like I’m going through this alone? Why did this even happen? Why couldn’t you have had a damn condom? I shouldn’t be going through this right now Jake!”

I push away from Jake and in a stony voice that scares me, I ask him to sleep on the couch tonight. It hurts so much to look at Jake. It shatters me to billions of pieces when he gives me that sly smile and I wonder if our baby would have smiled like that. I want to get rid of everything from my life, including Jake, that reminds me of what I have lost.

“
Sweetness, please. Let me be here for you.”

I ignore him and roll over. How can he be here for me when I’m not even here for me? When I don’t want him here reminding me every second of every day that we could be getting ready to bring a son or daughter into this world?

When I resist turning over for Jake, he gets up and walks over to my side of the bed. Jake lifts the covers and climbs under them. Pulling me into his arms, all of my energy leaves me.

“
I’m sorry,” I mutter into his chest. “Just go.”

I don’t know what to do. How can I get through this when I'm seesawing on emotions every second?

“
Trust me,” his deep voice vibrates through me.

“
I do.”

“
No, you don’t. Not enough to share with me what you are feeling. When I think about you and how much you are struggling with this I feel terrible.”

“
I just want to go to sleep. Can you please sleep on the couch tonight?”

Silently Jake leaves with his pillow tucked under his arm.  I fall into a peaceful sleep with the promise that the heartache will stay locked up. The feeling that Jake and I are slowly coming to an end doesn’t keep me awake. My last thoughts are two questions: If something good is sitting right in front of you, why would you let it slip through your fingers? What sense does it make for me to give up something so good so easily?

Somehow, I manage to get ready for work and leave the apartment without waking Jake. I feel conflicted. and I don’t know what to do. Thoughts of working all day fill my body with relief. Maybe I can go out with the girls later tonight and forget about everything for a while.

Deep inside in a dark, damp place, I can feel my heart cracking. Crackling as if little pieces are popping and disappearing forever. When a mom walks in with her baby, I have to go out back and try to recollect myself.

That hollow feeling grows ever more present. I clutch my stomach as I feel vomit working its way up my throat. I can taste it in my mouth, but it’s making no effort to push up and out. It hurts. It hurts so badly that I just want to die. Dying would feel so much better than this daily hell. If only I had the guts…

Gasping to catch my breath as tears stream down my cheeks is how Kyle finds me when he shows up for my lunch break.

“
Emily, are you okay? What’s the matter?”

I squeeze my eyes shut and lean back against the brick wall of Coffee Beans. Warm hands tenderly fall on my shoulders.

“
Emily?”

There’s no way I can speak. It feels as if sand has clogged my throat.

Kyle is trying to keep me from breaking apart more than I already am. Can’t he tell that I’m like an egg? A hard-boiled egg that was placed in trusting hands only to be squeezed too hard and cracked. Being held together by only a thin interior lining. A lining that is starting to tear apart.

“
Shh. It’s okay Em. It’s going to be alright.”

“
No it’s not,” I sob into his chest. “It’s been four months and it just keeps getting harder.”

In a voice that I’ve never heard before , Kyle asks, “Should I call Jake?”

I don’t answer him because I am so distracted by the sound of his voice.
tha
t It is as sweet as sugar and as smooth as melted chocolate. I snap out of the trance when I hear my love’s gruff voice a few feet away.

“
Sweetness?”

Gulping, I look at Jake as Kyle’s arms drop to dangle by his sides. Tears fall faster as I see Jake taking in my rumpled clothes, red, puffy eyes, and wet face. Why does he have to look at me like that? I just want someone to…to let me cry. Let me scream and hurt. Let me throw punches at the world like it has thrown
to
at me.

Jake hesitantly walks over to me. I feel myself crumbling.

I sag against the wall and slowly lower myself onto the ground. There it is. The sound of a glass being thrown against a wall and shattering, all in slow motion. My heart breaks.

I’m broken.

I faintly hear Jake’s footsteps as they move in faster. My eyes show me that Kyle is kneeling in front of me and Jake is at my side doing the same, but I’m not focusing on them. Behind Kyle’s right shoulder is the most beautiful scene.

A mother is watching as her husband is lifting their son up high and making gushing noises that cause the baby to giggle. That laugh tears me apart. It’s surreal and perfect. Pretending that this hasn’t bothered me as much as it has all these months stops at the sound of that baby’s precious laugh. A laugh I will never hear from my own baby.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jake on his knees watching me intently. I lean to my right to rest against him. The picture is painted too well and I couldn’t stand to look at it anymore. Arms that I love so much envelop me. I welcome Jake’s comfort, but I don’t want it. Jake’s voice is struggling to get words out and cracks.

“
Sweetness, I love you. So much. I wish I could take all of this pain away from you. I'll do whatever it takes. Please, don’t push me away. I don’t know if I can handle that. You are my everything. We lost the baby. I can’t lose you too.”

My heart keeps dying as if it’s a squeaky toy being aggressively chewed on by a dog. I can’t even form coherent thoughts, much less speak.

“
I’m here for you. Always. Forever. Always and forever. No matter what happens. Please Sweetness.”

I want nothing more than to be able to go home and crawl into the comfort of my own bed. I know that is exactly what I need. I lean away from Jake and wipe away my tears.

“
I have to go home.”

“
I’ll follow you,” Jake replies.

“
No. Jake, I need to go
home.
”

Realization dawns on him and instantly I know he’s not satisfied. Feeling like I have a purpose now, I stand and leave them outside. I find the manager and let him know that I’m going to need the next week off. Back outside, Jake pesters me with questions as I walk to my car.

I swivel around and Jake almost runs into me. His strong jaw line shows me his teeth are clenched. He doesn’t want me to go. I cup one hand along his jaw.

“
I need this Jake. It’ll only be for a few days.”

“
I’ll come with you.”

“
No. You have hockey.”

“
You’re going to miss my game.”

“
I know. I’m sorry. Jake,” tears spring into my eyes and I blink rapidly to get rid of them. “I love you. You know that, right?”

Jake leans his forehead against mine and closes his sad green eyes. “But is it enough?”

6

Jake

With my hands in my pockets, I watch Emily back out of the driveway. I feel as if she is leaving me.

Forever.

It tore me apart to see her so disheveled earlier. As Emily drives away, my heart feels like it is stretching in two different directions. Soon, it will have no choice but to rip. Emily’s car disappears around the corner and I turn on my heel to go back inside.

Instantly, I feel a difference in the house. Emily’s coat is missing from the back of the chair in the living room where she always tosses it when she came home. Shoes are missing from the messy pile in the closet. A lack of clothing has left a noticeable dent in the dresser. Her toothbrush isn’t sitting in its container on the counter in the bathroom. There’s less evidence of her presence not only in the house, but in my life as well.

I should have known that she was having more trouble than what meets the eye. I love her. I know every inch of Emily and yet, I thought she was doing well considering the recent events. Sure, she had a few slip ups here and there. But as far as I knew, she was battling less and less with the grief every day. Why didn’t I see that she wasn’t?

I drop onto the couch and stare at the black screen of the television. Was I not supportive enough? Do I not know Emily as well as I thought? Are there parts of herself that she hasn’t showed me? How in the hell am I going to get her through this?

As the moon rose and night fell, that question continues to bother me. The sun
lit
lights up the sky and I’ve barely slept a wink. Emily was supposed to call me to let me know that she made it home safely but I still haven’t heard from her. I am tempted to call, but if she needs time away from here then she may need time away from me as well. The thought hurts.

Eventually I give in. I call and listen as her phone rings and rings. Voicemail picks up and I leave her a message.

“
Just wanted to make sure you made it there safely Sweetness. I love you. I want you to know that I want you to do whatever you need to do to make this better. If that means staying at Mike’s, then that’s what I want you to do. Talk to you soon.”

The hours tick by as I lay in bed waiting for the phone to ring. The phone call that will relieve some of the stress and worry pumping through my heart. The phone call where my Sweetness is on the other line. I start to worry when three o’clock rolls around.

Punching in the numbers, I call Mike. She made it there, but is currently over at my house with Drake. Okay. She must need to simply get away from me. I’ll have to let her be and trust that when she wants to talk, she’ll call. The rest of  the day I spend finishing my homework that I have been avoiding.