When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (19 page)

NEGATIVE INQUIRY

To understand the concept of NEGATIVE INQUIRY, look at the difference between two similar
statements in response to criticism. Let’s assume for instance that they are in response to criticism from your wife (or husband as the case may be): (1) “I don’t understand. What is it about my going fishing that is bad?” (2) “What makes you think going fishing is bad?” The first statement is an assertive, nondefensive NEGATIVE INQUIRY response that is noncritical of your spouse and prompts her to make further critical statements and to examine her own structure of right and wrong which she is using to cope in this particular conflict situation. The second statement is quite defensive, directing attention away from yourself and toward your wife. The second statement can easily be interpreted, and in most cases correctly so, as sarcastic and belittling toward her. The difference between these two statements, which seem to say the same thing, is enormous. With the first statement in response to criticism, you are pointing a finger at yourself and, in effect, saying: “Let’s look at what I am doing that may be wrong or that you don’t like.”
You are also behaving as if criticism is not something to get upset over
. With the second statement, you point a finger at your wife (or whoever is criticizing you) and, in effect, say: “Who the hell are you to tell me anything?”

If in response to your statement of: “What is it about my fishing that is bad?” your wife comes up with “logical” or “good” reasons why fishing is bad, such as: “It gives you a headache …” or “It makes you smell …” or “It will tire you out …” you can still inquire (negatively): “I don’t understand. What is it about going fishing and getting a headache (or getting tired or smelly) that is wrong?” By persistently using NEGATIVE INQUIRY to ask for more information about critical statements such as: “It will tire you out …” you will extinguish the use of such manipulative structure statements and your wife is more likely to assert herself about the subject that bothers her most about your fishing: i.e., “When you are so tired, we don’t go out in the evening (or make love, or have any fun, or whatever).” The critical issue of the conflict in behavior is then out in the open and can be dealt with assertively
by both of you, working out some compromise whereby you can go fishing and she can still get what she wants (if you do not get frightened and resort to your old responses of denial, defensiveness, and countercriticism to avoid assertively dealing with your wife’s wishes).

The end result of the first NEGATIVE INQUIRY interaction will, in the best case, be an examination by your wife of her own arbitrary right-and-wrong structure, i.e., headaches are wrong, being tired is wrong, being smelly is wrong—the structure she is trying to impose to manipulate you in lieu of asserting her own wishes to do something else besides fishing or staying around the house in the evening. The optimal end result is your wife’s discarding her coping through imposed right-and-wrong structure in the relationship and the initiation of asserting her own wishes to you. If she does not respond assertively by saying what she wants, the end result of the first NEGATIVE INQUIRY verbal interaction will, in the worst case, be a standoff, with her manipulative criticism temporarily extinguished. If the optimal end result of NEGATIVE INQUIRY assertion does not come about, and the interaction results only in a stalemate with the extinction of critical statements, you can attempt to break the stalemate by NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompting of your spouse to assert herself. For example, you might inquire (negatively): “I really don’t understand. There must be some other reasons for me not to go fishing besides getting tired, smelling up the house, or having headaches. What else is wrong or what don’t you like about my going fishing?” With such noncritical encouragement, your wife is more likely to respond assertively in telling you what
she wants
to do on the weekend, and some compromise that pays off for both of you can be worked out.

Unfortunately, much behavior in dispute results from this very common dealing in right-and-wrong structure. Examples of other behavior that husbands and wives in therapy get into conflict over through manipulation of each other’s styles are dressing habits,
neatness, not being on time, balancing the checkbook without any error, paying the bills promptly, social flirting, division of household labor, responsibility for the children, etc, etc,
etc.
Right-and-wrong manipulation in these behavioral areas can be extinguished by NEGATIVE INQUIRY to facilitate real negotiation of personal likes and dislikes, leading to a workable compromise.

In training people to grasp the nondefensive concept behind NEGATIVE INQUIRY, I have used the following general training dialogue as a first exercise. In this exercise, nonsituational criticism is directed to the learner by myself or another learner, and the learner is coached on appropriate NEGATIVE INQUIRY responses to this criticism. As in the FOGGING exercise, the critic first makes derogatory comments about the learner’s dressing habits, a subject which most of us can tolerate with a minimum of distress. After the learner is able to cope with such criticism through NEGATIVE INQUIRY without denial, defensiveness, or aggressive countercriticism, the critic gradually moves his criticism into the more personal area of physical appearance and then into the personality traits and “moral” character of the learner. This standard training dialogue takes from ten to fifteen minutes and is repeated weekly in class, group therapy, and in homework exercises with a friend until the learner does not automatically respond defensively during the dialogue. The learner is instructed, as in the use of FOGGING, not to overlay the NEGATIVE INQUIRY verbal skill with sarcasm as novices are apt to do. Sarcasm—thinly veiled verbal aggression—in executing NEGATIVE INQUIRY will trigger alternative aggressive responses instead of repetitive criticisms from the critical person and in all likelihood will terminate the interaction and possibly the relationship. One of my patients, Sharon, showing up in group therapy with a brand-new black eye, commented: “I should have listened to you. Instead, I found out the hard way, you don’t
sarcastically
fog or negatively inquire with your boy friend!”

Dialogue #5
A beginning practice exercise
using NEGATIVE
INQUIRY to
cope with
criticism
.

PAUL
: Beth, you don’t look good today.

BETH
: What do you mean, Paul?

PAUL
: Well, I noticed the way you appear today. It doesn’t look too good.

BETH
:
Is it the way I look or is it the way I’m dressed?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

PAUL
: Well, that blouse doesn’t look too good.

BETH
:
What is it about the blouse that makes me look bad?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY response]

PAUL
: Well, it just doesn’t seem to fit.

BETH
:
Do you think it’s too loose?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: Well, maybe that’s it.

BETH
: How about the color of it,
does that make me look funny?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: The color doesn’t look too good.

BETH
:
Anything else besides the color that’s bad?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: No, that’s it.

BETH
: How about my pants?
How do they look?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: Not too good.

BETH
:
What is it about them that makes me look bad?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY response]

PAUL
: They just don’t look right.

BETH
:
How about the color?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: No. it’s not the color.

BETH
:
How about the cut of them?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: They look sloppy.

BETH
:
Is there anything else about me that doesn’t come off right?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: Well, you tend to talk a lot.

BETH
: Let me understand this. I talk too much? [NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: You tend to drag things down and just keep going on and on and on.

BETH
:
You mean I just won’t give up?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: Yeah, that’s it you just keep talking and won’t accept what I tell you.

BETH
: Well, let me get this straight now.
You’re saying that I won’t listen to you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: It’s just that you don’t seem to care if I tell you anything or not.

BETH
:
It sounds like you’re saying I’m insensitive, is that right?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: That’s it. You’re insensitive.

BETH
:
Is there anything else that I’m doing besides being insensitive?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: Yes, you just seem different somehow.

BETH
:
What is it about what I’m doing that’s different?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY response]

PAUL
: What you’re doing now, you’re just doing something entirely different.

BETH
:
Will you tell me some more about it?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY prompt]

PAUL
: No, I don’t think so.

BETH
: Well, next time we get together perhaps you’ll feel like talking about it some more, okay?

PAUL
: Okay.

Although NEGATIVE INQUIRY occasionally is useful in dealing with conflict in formal or partially structured relationships (especially in conjunction with the other assertive verbal skills), it helps most in assertively dealing with people you are close to, in unstructured equal relationships by: (1) desensitizing you to criticism from people you care about so you can listen to what they tell you; (2) extinguishing repetitive manipulative criticism from these people so it doesn’t drive you up the wall; and (3) reducing the use of
right-and-wrong structure by these persons in dealing with you, prompting them to
assertively
say what they want so that compromises giving both of you a piece of the action can be worked out.

Dialogue #6
Bobbie uses NEGATIVE INQUIRY
to cope with a neighbor’s
manipulation.

An excellent example of using only NEGATIVE INQUIRY to deal with conflict between neighbors was reported by Bobbie, a suburban housewife learning to be assertive. Bobbie, through her lack of assertiveness, and because she had no children, and partially to keep from being bored out of her mind, had assumed the complete responsibility of maintaining her home and grounds while her husband engaged in his successful accounting practice. After learning BROKEN RECORD, FOGGING, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION, Bobbie was particularly fascinated with her introduction to NEGATIVE INQUIRY. The week after her first practice in this verbal skill, she reported the following short dialogue with her next-door neighbor, George. For several months, George has been talking of putting in a backyard swimming pool where he could sunbathe in the nude. Each time he spoke to Bobbie about it, she told him: “Great. You can get a super healthy tan that way.” Bobbie felt, from George’s reaction that, for some reason, this wasn’t what he wanted her to say.

Setting of the dialogue: Bobbie is pruning some rose bushes along the common chain-link fence between their houses (which they shared the cost on) and her neighbor, George, approaches her from his side of the fence.

GEORGE
: I’m going to have to start digging all these bushes out soon. This fence we put up five years ago is shot. I’ll have to put a hollow brick wall in here.

BOBBIE
: I don’t understand. What is it about the fence that is shot?

GEORGE
: It’s just going to fall over one of these days.

BOBBIE
: What is it about it that’s going to make it fall over one of these days?

GEORGE
: It’s those trees you got behind it.

(Bobbie has several eight-foot Japanese maples planted alongside the fence with some branches poking through it.)
BOBBIE
: What is it about the trees that will make it fall over?

GEORGE
: It’s those branches poking through. They are going to push it right over.

BOBBIE
: I don’t understand. What is it about the branches that will knock it over?

GEORGE
: (Silent for a moment and then changing the subject) Do you know anything about pruning apricot trees? How about that one there? Do you think I pruned that one right?

Bobbie became aware during this interaction that George was trying to manipulate her into subsidizing half the cost of a voyeur-proof hollow brick wall between their homes. In her relationship with him, Bobbie really didn’t give a damn if George was more assertive with her or not. She was satisfied that she could cope with his manipulative reasons on why she “should” pay for a new wall and let it go at that. She did not feel compelled to therapeutically prompt George to come right out and say what he wanted: a half-price screen so he could romp around in the nude. After all, she would only say “No” to his request even if she spent all that effort on prompting someone she really didn’t care about to be more assertive. George, incidentally, on last report, never brought the subject up again.

Up to this point, I have stressed learning to be assertive by practicing the verbal skills of BROKEN RECORD, FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and NEGATIVE INQUIRY in response to manipulative attempts, however benign, to control your behavior.