When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (28 page)

BOSS
: How’re things today?

BETTY
: Just fine.

BOSS
: Working on this month’s eligibility lists?

BETTY
: Yes.

BOSS
: Any problems?

BETTY
: No.

BOSS
: I hope you do this month’s lists better than last month’s.

BETTY
:
That was a mess, wasn’t it?
[NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

BOSS
: It sure was.

BETTY
:
You’re telling me! God, did I screw that up!
[NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

BOSS
: I hope you get settled soon so you’re not so upset that it interferes with your work.

BETTY
:
That makes sense. So do I
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

BOSS
: Have you decided on your extension classes yet?

BETTY
: Some of them.

BOSS
: You’re not going to take that medieval literature class, are you?

BETTY
:
I haven’t decided yet
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

BOSS
: You shouldn’t take that one. That’s just a plain waste of time.

BETTY
: Yeah,
it could be
. [FOGGING]

BOSS
: Well, are you going to take it?

BETTY
:
Maybe, I haven’t decided yet
. [BROKEN RECORD]

BOSS
: You should take something practical where you’ll learn something worthwhile.

BETTY
:
You’re probably right
. We’ll see soon when I decide. [FOGGING]

BOSS
: Well, I hope you make a sensible decision.

BETTY
:
So do I
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

Betty told me of this dialogue the next day. She was still then almost euphoric at times during our therapy session over how she could cope with her boss’s interference with so little effort and no gut-wrenching anxiety. Like other novices, however, she found that one quick, assertive dialogue was insufficient to eliminate the manipulation of those she was in daily contact with. It was necessary to repeat similar dialogues on other
subjects, such as her choice of living arrangements and of boyfriends, several times before her boss ceased telling her what to do in her personal life. Not surprisingly, after becoming more assertive toward her boss, Betty felt more at ease in her job, and the number of mistakes she made at work dropped sharply. As Betty put it, “I look forward to work now. I feel I’m productive and doing something worthwhile.” Also, not surprisingly, Betty began to look around for a better job with more interest and responsibility than just clerking and found one within two months as an assistant office supervisor. Quite surprisingly, however, Betty reported that being more assertive to her boyfriends, especially with Stan whom she liked the most, produced a change in her sexual relations that to her was amazing. Betty began to have consistent orgasms in her sexual relations with Stan, something that in the past with other men, including her husband, was chancy at best.

If you are like many learners, you may have the same difficulties in dealing with a situation that plagues you with anxieties: an interview for a job or acceptance into a training program of some sort. In the next set of dialogues, you can see how two learners were trained to cope assertively with an interviewer and the questions he might ask them.

Dialogue #19
Milt and Dee practice to take
graduate school and
job interviews
assertively.

In the first dialogue, Milt rehearses being interviewed for acceptance into graduate school. Milt is a bright young college student who popped into my assertive group one afternoon. He was referred to me by a colleague who had seen Milt for pre-med student counseling and thought he could present himself more assertively. A bit anxious and out of breath, Milt explained to the group that he had an appointment the following day to be interviewed by an alumnus of a medical
school. His counselor talked with him about it, asked him a few likely questions about what the interviewer might want to know, listened to Milt’s style of responding, and told him to hot-foot it over to the assertive group to see what could be done. Milt accepted the fact that we thought little of his chances for improving his confidence in so short a time (our estimates on how much time was needed were way off the mark), but he still wanted to see if he could feel a bit more relaxed and look less of a fool in the interview by working with us even for an hour or two. We ran a mock interview that afternoon with all of us rotating as the interviewer asking some of the pertinent as well as the inane questions we had once been asked ourselves. While one of us role-played the interviewer, the rest of us coached Milt on assertively talking about himself and why he wanted to go to medical school. We ran through several coached dialogues in the two hours we had available, the last, edited version of which is presented here.

Setting of the dialogue: The elderly Dr. Alumnus invites Milt into his office and they sit down across a desk from one another.

DOCTOR
: (Looking at the papers in his hand) It seems that you prepared a well-written and comprehensive application.

MILT
: Thank you. I spent a lot of time on it. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: (Looking now at Milt) Tell me, why do you want to be a doctor?

MILT
:
I really don’t know any one good answer to that. I’m sure I should, but I don’t
. I have a lot of different reasons. I’ve always wanted to be one. I’ve had a lot of other interests, but I keep coming back to medicine as the thing that fascinates me most. I like people … I like working with them and helping them. I like solving problems and figuring things out. I
like working with
my head as well as my hands.
Am I rambling on too much for you?
[SELF-DISCLOSURE, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

DOCTOR
: No, go right ahead.

MILT
:
Okay, I’ll just talk about what’s important to me
. I like working in a laboratory. Biology fascinates me and I like working with patients as a volunteer aide at the UCLA Med Center. I like the idea of being a professional. These are the things I think of when I think of the idea of being an MD. (Then smiling) I heard the pay is good too. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

DOCTOR
: (Not smiling) Yes, well, why do you specifically want to go to the University of South Such-and-such Medical School?

MILT
:
I have no first hand information
, but I’ve talked to a lot of MDs about different schools and they tell me USS is known for turning out graduates. I’d like to get my MD from a school with a reputation. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DOCTOR
: What do you want to be doing five years from now?

MILT
: I hope to be practicing medicine in some capacity.

DOCTOR
: What capacity?

MILT
: (From Milt, with no coaching)
I don’t know yet
. General practice fascinates me with the variety of problems patients bring to you. Psychiatry also interests me. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: Psychiatry and the other specializations take at least three years residency beyond your schooling and internship.

MILT
:
Yes, that’s true
, but
I’ve found that if you’re doing what you want to do, time passes quickly
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: What do you want to be doing five years after you graduate?

MILT
:
I really don’t know at this point for sure
. It depends a lot on what I experience in med school. I don’t think that I would like to go right into private practice. I think I would like to work in an inpatient setting first until I really know what I’m doing. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: You seem unsure of yourself, like you may
not be confident enough to practice medicine on your own.

MILT
:
I’m sure it sounds that way
, but that’s not what I mean.
I think I will make a damned fine MD
. I’m smart enough, it interests me, and I work hard. I’m not afraid of getting my hands dirty. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: (Somewhat sarcastically) Well, we’ll try to teach you to keep them clean. I’ve been looking at your transcript and your grades look fine except for one area. You got a “C” in organic chemistry. (Looking up at Milt for an explanation)

MILT
:
That’s true. Organic was one of my weak areas
. I have been auditing the course again, and I have a friend tutoring me on it. Organic for me was like trigonometry.
It took me three weeks in trig to figure out what in hell they were talking about and how everything fit together. I don’t think I’ll have any problem with it now though
. I’m in the second course and I expect an “A” or at worst a “B.” [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: Medicine is demanding. Especially if you are in general practice like I am. There have been times when I wished I’d never gotten into it. Patients bug you. Nurses bug you, relatives bug you, other doctors bug you. Everybody expects you to have the answer to their problem and you have to work long hours, sometimes for nothing. How do you know you can take the pressure?

MILT
:
You’re right, I can’t give you an absolute guarantee that I can cope with all the pressures
, but
I think I can
. I’ve worked under a lot of pressure in college to get good grades. I’ve burned a lot of midnight oil, and so far I’ve made it. All my experience tells me that I can do it.
Sometimes I tell myself: “To hell with all this work; why are you always working so hard?”
But I keep at it though.
I don’t know the answer. Maybe I’m a masochist
. [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DOCTOR
: Sometimes I think I am too. I assume that you have applied to other schools.

MILT
: Yes,
I thought it best
. Even though I want to go to USS, everybody tells me to make other applications in case I’m not accepted. Is that what you did when you were a student? [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: Yes, it’s a good idea. (Silence)

MILT
:
Anything else you would like to ask me? My weaknesses or my strengths?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

DOCTOR
: You tell me. What do you consider your worst weakness?

MILT
:
This is my own opinion. Other people might have a different viewpoint. I think my weakest area is lack of experience. I’m young. I’m naïve with other people. I’m not as assertive as I could be. I tend to get rattled in interviews
. When we first sat down, I thought my mind was going to be blank from nervousness. But I think that experiences like this one will help me overcome these feelings, or at least I hope so. [SELF-DISCLOSURE, FOGGING, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DOCTOR
: (Interrupting) You seem to be doing just fine now. You don’t look nervous at all.

MILT
:
I’m sure I don’t
, but
inside I’m still not comfortable
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: Maybe it’s how you behave on the outside that really counts instead of how you feel on the inside.

MILT
:
I’m sure you’re right
, I’ll see what happens. [FOGGING]

DOCTOR
: What do you think is your greatest strength?

MELT
: As I said before, this is just my impression.
I may be wrong
, but
I think it’s good study habits, perseverance, a willingness to work hard, and some brains. And, maybe the most important thing, I like people, and I like medicine
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DOCTOR
: Anything you would like to ask me?

MILT
: Yes, I’d like to ask you some questions about USS and med school.
Things that I know very little about. I’m sure they sound naïve and unsophisticated
,
but I’d still like to get your opinion about these things. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DOCTOR
: Sure, go ahead.

Milt then asked the following questions which we prompted from him concerning things he would like to know.

1. I am interested in research. How do you go about getting involved in it at USS?

2. Are there any areas during the first year of training that the faculty want you to be strong in and really know well aside from the general material that everyone should know?

3. Do you know any general references that I can study this summer to help me prepare for my first year in the fall?

4. What sort of summer jobs can a med student get at USS to help pay living expenses during the academic year? Are there any that allow you to learn as well as earn?

At the end of two hours of assertively practicing to take an interview, we saw an obvious difference in his ability to field questions we had not coached him on. We asked Milt to let us know how he fared in the interview but we never heard from him again. I learned from other sources that the interview went well for him as did others he took. He was accepted at several medical schools and enrolled in one we had not practiced for. Milt’s success brings to mind the old motto of the navy’s construction battalions of World War II; “The difficult we do right away, the impossible takes a little longer!” Milt’s lack of assertiveness in taking interviews was obviously, in their terms, only a difficulty. Milt’s rapid change even surprised me, and I’m not often surprised.