When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (27 page)

Setting of the dialogue: Mike is at home late Friday night when the manager telephones him.

MANAGER
: Mike. Greg is sick and I need you to cover the morning tomorrow.

MIKE
: That’s rough, Mr. Teague. I have something on for tomorrow and won’t be available.

MANAGER
: Well, you’ll have to call it off, I need you tomorrow.

MIKE
:
I’m sure you do
, but
I’m just not available
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: What is it? A doctor’s appointment.

MIKE
: No, nothing that serious,
I just won’t be available tomorrow
. [BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: What are you going to do?

MIKE
:
It’s personal, Mr. Teague. Just something I’ve been trying to get up enough guts to do for a long while, so I won’t be available tomorrow
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: Can’t you put it off? You’re leaving me in a bad situation.

MIKE
:
I’m sure I am
, Mr. Teague, but
if I put it off this time, I’ll probably never do it and I’d be disgusted with myself
, so
I won’t be available tomorrow
. [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: I can fix it so you get Sunday off if you come in tomorrow.

MIKE
:
I’m sure you would
, Mr. Teague, but
I won’t be in tomorrow
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: Well, that leaves me in a fix. I don’t know who I can get to cover Greg.

MIKE
:
That is a fix
, but I’m sure you’ll work something out. [FOGGING]

MANAGER
: That’s all right, it’ll be rough but I’ll get someone to cover it.

MIKE
:
I’m sure you will
. [FOGGING]

MANAGER
: Greg will probably be off Tuesday too. I’d like you to cover his shift if he doesn’t show up.

MIKE
:
He probably will be out sick
, but
I won’t be available Tuesday either
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MANAGER
: Who am I going to get to replace him then?

MIKE
:
I don’t know
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

MANAGER
: This is hard to take, Mike. You have always been so reliable before.

MIKE
:
I’m sure it is
, Mr. Teague.
I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve always been available whenever you asked me before, haven’t I
. [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

MANAGER
: Well, I’ll just have to find someone else I can count on.

MIKE
:
That’s true
, but
why don’t you give me a call next time you need a replacement
and see if I’m free. Maybe I’ll be available, maybe not. Doesn’t cost anything to ask. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

MANAGER
: Okay. We’ll see.

MIKE
: I hope you can get someone to cover for Greg.

MANAGER
: I’ll find someone, don’t worry about it.

MIKE
: Okay, see you.

Mike reported that after this dialogue with his boss, he felt much more confidence in his ability to cope with him on the job. An important part of Mike’s feeling better about himself was, of course, the result of standing up to the pressure that his boss put on him to cover for other employees’ absences. What struck Mike as amazing, however, was the degree to which Mr. Teague would go in trying to work out a compromise that was acceptable to Mike. Prior to this dialogue, Mike felt that he had no option but to do what was requested of him. After the dialogue with his boss, Mike felt that Mr. Teague had some respect for him and his wishes, that Mr. Teague would try and work with him in a difficulty instead of ordering him around.

Over a period of several months, Mike dealt with Mr. Teague on this new, straightforward basis of making his mind up as he went along and telling Mr. Teague what he wanted or didn’t want Mr. Teague adapted to this change in Mike’s behavior and showed no apparent signs of upset with Mike. My guess, and it is only a guess, is that Mr. Teague previously thought of
Mike as a nice kid who had to be directed and controlled (and consequently used). I suspect that now he neither thinks of Mike as a nice kid who needs direction nor as a young punk not to be trusted, but as an adult man whom he works with.

Within the employer-employee context, in the next dialogue, we see the other side of the coin: a supervisor assertively dealing with a manipulative employee.

Dialogue #17
Sam tells his employee
of an increase in
workload.

Sam, thirty-seven, is a supervisor of fourteen employees in a small department of a large business firm. Some of the fourteen employees he supervises are friends of his and Sam worries about how to maintain their friendship and still be an effective, fair supervisor to everyone. While he believes in such slogans as: “Business and friendship don’t mix,” and “Bosses are not here to win popularity contests,” Sam feels that to be an effective supervisor he should not have to be cold, unfriendly, standoffish, or uncaring about his employees. At the time of this dialogue, Sam was in a very uncomfortable position. During the previous week, the company executive decided in conference with all department heads that an economic cutback policy was to be implemented as soon as possible. At the time of the meeting, Sam presented the problems of his department to the conference and expressed his doubt that much money could be saved in his area. While listening to his problems, the conference still decided on a blanket cutback of budget for all departments. These temporary workload increases had occurred twice in the past during his employment in the firm and Sam felt anxious when he had to explain to his employees that they would have to increase their productivity. He also felt that he had coped poorly with the situation in the past by resorting to an uncaring, withdrawn, “tough”
image of a boss, and he felt both nervous and guilty in dealing with his friends afterwards.

The following training dialogue was set up to aid Sam in appropriately coping with his employees in a different way. Sam was instructed not to give any excuses for the increased workload, not to defend the policy made at the executive level, to simply agree with any possible truths about himself or the cutback policy that his employees offered in opposition to the proposed increase in workload, to accept any statements of possible breakdown of the system,
and yet still require the cooperation of his employees in implementing the work increase
.

Setting of the dialogue: Sam approaches Harry, a friend, to tell him of the workload increase, over a coffee break.

SAM
: (Seeing Harry in the coffee lounge and approaching him) Hi, Harry. You got a minute?

HARRY
: Sure, Sam. Sit down. What’s up?

SAM
: You’ve heard about the department head meeting last week?

HARRY
: I knew there was one, but that’s all.

SAM
: When the dust settled down, the economy cutback program was decided upon. The net result is that our department is required to show a 15 per cent increase in workload for the next three to six months without an increase in people or budget.

HARRY
: That’s a chuckleheaded idea. Christ! We’re overloaded now and just making it by the skin of our teeth. Did you tell them that?

SAM
: (Smiling) I didn’t tell them that they were chuckleheads, but I did tell them that I thought it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible.

HARRY
: What did they say?

SAM
: Same thing I’m telling you. There will be an increase in workload.

HARRY
: Sam, I don’t know about the others, but I’m just about snowed under now. I can’t take a 15 per cent increase in workload. I don’t think I can take any, let alone 15 per cent.

SAM
:
I agree with you, Harry. It probably won’t work and you and the rest of the people with increases may have trouble
, but
nevertheless we still have an increase in workload
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

HARRY
: That’s a hell of a note. Did you tell them that it won’t work in our department?

SAM
:
I agree. It is a hell of a note
. They didn’t listen to my warnings. I told them pretty much what you’re telling me. Only more diplomatically. [FOGGING]

HARRY
: If you were less diplomatic and laid it right on the table, maybe they would have listened more to what you told them.

SAM
:
Perhaps
. [FOGGING]

HARRY
: Perhaps my ass. If you had laid it on strong they wouldn’t be shoving 15 per cent down our throats. They don’t know how overloaded we are already.

SAM
:
You are probably right
, but
we are still going to have to increase the caseload
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

HARRY
: But I’m having a hell of a time getting everything done now. You know that!

SAM
:
That’s true, Harry, so I want you to let me know right away whenever things get out of hand
. After the first month I want you and everybody else to write a memo to me about their specific problems so I have some ammunition if I have to go back upstairs to let them know what is happening. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

HARRY
: Well, I don’t think I can take on a 15 per cent increase.

SAM
:
You’re probably right
, so we will start small at first and see how things go. You have sixty cases on your books now.
Pick up four more out of the new cases in the next two weeks
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

HARRY
: Sam! Four new cases will take at least eight hours to prepare and write up to start with. I can’t do them without working overtime.

SAM
:
You may be right
. If you find you can’t spare
any time from the old cases to work up the new ones and have to work late,
just keep tab of your time and I’ll set it up as comp time on our own schedule
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

HARRY
: Well, I sure as hell don’t like it.

SAM
:
I agree, Harry
. I don’t blame you for getting upset. But the decision’s out of our hands, so
let’s see how things work out
. Okay? [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

HARRY
: We’ll see.

SAM
: Okay?

HARRY
: Okay.

This critical dialogue of Sam’s behavior and company policy was repeated several times with variations of manipulative threats running from union protests to social isolation of Sam from his friends. After sufficient practice, Sam reported that he felt quite comfortable and relaxed during the actual encounters with his employees, and they showed no anger toward him and accepted the increases with very little protest, criticism, or attempted manipulation.

Again looking at the “flip side” of things, in the next dialogue we see how an employee assertively copes with an employer who meddles in her personal life.

Dialogue #18
Betty copes with a
boss who meddles
in her personal life.

Betty is an animated, very attractive young secretary, who was recently divorced. Betty’s main problem immediately after her divorce was coping with unwanted interference from her boss. He was an older married man who assumed a fatherlike role toward Betty when she was undergoing the emotional and behavioral crisis of changing her lifestyle from that of a somewhat sedate married woman back to that of a more active single woman. Although Betty had doubts about sharing
her personal decisions and troubles with her boss, she felt emotionally and intellectually inadequate to simply tell him to keep his nose out of her business. During the past several months, he inquired into the status of her living arrangements since her separation. She told him of the apartment she was planning on moving into, and he promptly told her that she shouldn’t live in that apartment, that she should seek another one having specifications that he outlined for her. He inquired into her social life and when she told him of the various men she was dating, he promptly told her why they were not the type she should associate with. He even inquired into the activities that Betty was engaged in. When she told him about her night school and bike riding, he promptly told her what classes she should take and what kind of bike she should ride. She identified him strongly with her father (with whom she was to cope successfully later), and thought that since she had been doing stupid things around the office during the emotional crisis of her separation, she had no recourse but to let her boss interfere as a way of making up for her errors. Over a period of weeks, Betty practiced being more assertive with her boss. Her aim, of course, was not to be frightened of him but at the same time not to lose her temper and tell him off, thus destroying their working relationship, forcing her either to quit or be fired. Her goals were (1) to
desensitize
herself to her boss’s critical or even well-meaning but still interfering statements, and (2) to eliminate his tendency to make such statements in the first place. She wanted him to behave toward her as a responsible, functioning adult woman who did not require instruction or approval on how she conducted her personal life.

Setting of the dialogue: Betty is seated at her desk and her boss walks out of his office and speaks to her.