When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (39 page)

ME
: And how did he take it?

DANA
: It didn’t faze him at all. He said that he was sorry that I didn’t enjoy myself then and if I felt that way to say so.

ME
: So?

DANA
: So I told him that I was very unsure of myself with him even though we have fun together … probably because I liked him so much.

ME
: In your best negative assertive manner?

DANA
: Yup.

ME
: Do you have another date with him?

DANA
: He said he would call me again soon.

ME
: What’s that mean? He likes you … or a brush-off?

DANA
: I don’t know. That’s up to him. If he doesn’t call next week, I’ll call him and suggest we go to lunch and see what happens.

ME
: And how do you feel about the whole thing?

DANA
: Pretty good.

ME
: Even though you don’t have a lock on him through your body?

DANA
: A guy like John can get laid any time he
wants to. I don’t want to compete on that basis. If he’s interested in me as Dana and wants to continue the relationship, that’s good enough for me.

At last report, Dana was still seeing John occasionally, dating several other men, and, most importantly, was more comfortable with her role as an assertive, selective sexual partner and no longer felt like a piece of meat on the butcher’s block to be haggled over and bargained for.

In their interaction, Dana communicated her problem to John and he supported her attempt to cope with her own mixed feelings about their relationship. If on the other hand, John was not John but somebody else less mature and less sure of his own personal machismo (sexual masculinity), he might have ignored Dana’s request for an exploration of their relationship based on other things besides sex—common interests, intellect, personality styles, long-term personal goals, likes and dislikes,
etc.
If he were less sure of his ability to attract women sexually, John might have tried to verbally manipulate (seduce) and titillate Dana into bedding down again in spite of her mixed feelings about it. If that were the case, Dana could have assertively coped with this sexual manipulation in the same way she learned to cope with manipulation of her behavior in other areas. She could have coped in a systematic assertive way that was demonstrated to hundreds of UCLA co-eds in introductory psychology classes by Dr. Aaron Hass, a colleague, a friend, and one of my former graduate students whom I trained in systematic assertiveness at the UCLA Psychology Clinic. Then-Doctoral Candidate Hass and a lovely female graduate student he recruited made the rounds of the large psychology classes to show young co-eds (and their future mates) with little or no sexual sophistication how to assertively say “No” to a partner bent upon seduction using manipulation varying from “hurt” ploys or guilt to ignorance-inducing statements or accusatory remarks. Although Dr. Hass pointed out that most males are not as intent upon getting a woman into bed as his demonstration
portrayed, he felt it was important to show how being assertive can be used even in an extreme case where a frustrated male shows anger toward his date. The following dialogue on this situation is one that my colleague, Ms. Susan Levine, and myself demonstrated at a professional workshop on systematic assertive therapy. The manipulative ploys that I used in the dialogue were similar to those used by Dr. Hass at UCLA. The assertive responses to this manipulation are those Ms. Levine chose to demonstrate the use of several assertive verbal skills in coping with an attractive but obnoxious seducer.

Setting of the dialogue: Sue and I are sitting on a table at the head of the class which simulates the couch in her living room. We have just returned to her apartment after a movie date and she has invited me in for a drink. After some wine, I lean over for a kiss and she pulls away.

ME
: What’s wrong?

SUE
: (Smiling a friendly smile) I don’t feel like making out tonight.

ME
: But I thought we really had a nice time tonight.

SUE
:
You’re right. I did have a great time tonight
. [FOGGING]

ME
: Then what’s wrong?

SUE
: I don’t understand.
How come my not wanting to make out is wrong?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

ME
: Why not? I thought you liked me.

SUE
:
I do, but I’m just not up for sleeping with you tonight
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

ME
: I think it would really be nice.

SUE
:
Yeah, it might be
, but
I don’t want to get in bed with you tonight
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

ME
: I think it would be a fantastic experience for both of us.

SUE
:
Once again, you may be right
, but
I just don’t want to
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

ME
: What’s wrong with enjoying ourselves?

SUE
:
Nothing that I know of
. [FOGGING]

ME
: Then why don’t you?

SUE
:
I don’t know. I just don’t want to go to bed with you tonight
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

ME
: I think it’s a really natural thing to do when people get close and enjoy each other.

SUE
: I don’t understand.
What’s unnatural about me not wanting to go to bed with you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

ME
: We could just flow with our good feelings and get to know each other much better in bed.

SUE
:
We could do that. I want to flow with our good feelings but not if it means going to bed with you
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

ME
: We get along … the vibes between us are special and right.

SUE
:
You’re right. I do like to talk to you
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

ME
: Think of how much better it would be in bed with those good feelings we have for each other.

SUE
:
I understand how you feel
, but
I don’t want to go to bed with you
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

ME
: What’s wrong with me?

SUE
:
If I don’t go to bed with you, how come that means there has to be something wrong with you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

ME
: Well, I’m not turning you on.

SUE
: (With amazement)
That I really don’t understand. How come my not going to bed with you means you’re not turning me on?
[SELF-DISCLOSURE and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

ME
: I thought you liked me.

SUE
:
I do like you
, but
I don’t want to go to bed with you tonight
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

ME
: How much do you like me?

SUE
:
I’m not really sure
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

ME
: If you really cared how I feel, you would want to go to bed with me. (Note: the cheapest of all possible shots.)

SUE
:
Maybe you’re right, if I cared for you more, I would go to bed with you
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

ME
: I’m a lonely guy…

SUE
: (Just a silent smile)

ME
: You don’t care for my feelings. Is there something wrong with you?

SUE
:
There’s a lot wrong with me
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

ME
: Do you have a problem with sex? Lots of chicks do.

SUE
:
I’m sure they have. What am I doing that tells you I have a problem with sex?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

ME
: You seem like you have a hangup over going to bed.

SUE
:
I’m sure it seems that way
. [FOGGING]

ME
: I could help you get over it if that’s your problem.

SUE
:
Maybe
, but
I don’t want to go to bed with you
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

ME
: For someone who says they care for other people, you don’t seem to be what you say.

SUE
:
You may be right, I do come on like a phony sometimes
. [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

ME
: All night we talked about how superficial most people are when they relate to each other. They don’t get into something meaningful. I ask for a more meaningful level of understanding between us and you are copping out.

SUE
:
I probably am copping out
. [FOGGING]

ME
: Is this a game you play with all the guys?

SUE
:
I don’t understand
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

ME
: I think you were leading me on.

SUE
:
How was I leading you on?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

ME
: I think you played a number on me tonight … giving good vibes about really enjoying me and then asking me up to your apartment afterwards.

SUE
: (Absolutely without sarcasm)
It’s obvious that I
gave you the wrong idea by asking you to come up to my apartment. That was dumb of me
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

ME
: There’s a name people use for girls like you.

SUE
:
What’s that?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

ME
: A prick tease.

SUE
: (Walking to the door, opening it, and standing outside)
It was a mistake for me to invite you up here. Please leave
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

Although the demonstration was carried to the worst possible extreme for any future dating relationship, you can see that if the possible male sexual partner had listened to his date’s assertive but empathic “No” earlier in the piece, he might have been in a position to date her again and see if she had changed her mind. We kept out of the demonstration any flattering seductive ploys, such as “I think I love you,” “You turn me on so much I can’t study thinking about you,” “You have such a sexy smile and personality that I just have to kiss you to let you know,” “You and your body are so fascinating that my hand trembles when I think of touching you!” Such flattery is, of course, outrageous nonsense offered up as arousing and titillating verbal foreplay in the sexual spirit of the occasion; where both partners have given either verbal or innate signs of being sexually interested in one another.

After the demonstration, I asked Sue why she walked to the door and opened it and stood outside the classroom. She turned to the workshop members and replied: “Look at the difference in our sizes. At that point, which would stand me a better chance—fight or flight?”

In contrast to the first two situations in this set of dialogues, the next one deals not just with sexual relations and dating, but with one assertive young woman, Beth, who coped with a marriage proposal from a young man whom she felt she loved, but had some doubts and reservations about as a lifetime partner. I met Beth as a result of a staff development and communication
consultation for a public agency. I gave these people systematic assertive instruction and Beth was included in one of the first groups I ran. Already having a less than average quota of “shoulds-shouldn’ts” in her portfolio as a result of her upbringing, Beth took to assertive training like a duck to water. We became good friends and maintained the relationship, however infrequent our chance meetings after the staff development program was finished a year later. On one of these meetings, Beth told me of her experiences with Ted, the young man she cared very much for, his proposal of marriage, and the workable compromise she negotiated with him. The following dialogue is a shortened version of many such interactions Beth and Ted engaged in over a period of several weeks.

Setting of the dialogue: Beth is seated in the living room of Ted’s apartment on a hot Saturday afternoon and he walks out of the kitchen with a pitcher of wine, crushed ice, and fruit to take down to the pool with them. Ted speaks first.

TED
: Why don’t we just sit here for a minute before we swim? I want to talk about you and me.

BETH
: Sounds serious.
Have I done anything to upset you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

TED
: (Smiling) Not yet, but you may if you don’t do what I ask you.

BETH
: Shoot.

TED
: You’re the nicest, most exciting girl I’ve ever met Beth. I think you feel like that about me. How much do you love me?

BETH
: A lot!

TED
: Enough to get married?

BETH
:
I don’t know
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

TED
: Why not? We’ve been going together for close to a year. That should be enough time to find out.

BETH
:
Maybe
, but
I just don’t know
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

TED
: We get along together, don’t we?

BETH
:
Sure we do
, but getting along part of the time, dating, isn’t like getting along twenty-four hours a
day when you are married;
at least to my way of thinking it isn’t
and
that’s what worries me
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

TED
: How are we going to know if we don’t try it? We could go on forever dating like this.