When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (37 page)

Setting of the dialogue: Paul doesn’t wait for his parents to contact him, but goes to their home to talk to his father about his decision to separate from Connie.
Paul walks into the living room and his father gets up from his chair and greets him coldly.

DAD
: I wondered if we’d hear from you. Connie came right over and told us that you wanted a divorce after the last session with the doctor. Sometimes I think you have your head screwed on backward.

PAUL
:
So do I, Dad, so do I
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DAD
: You’re not really serious about this divorce thing again, are you?

PAUL
:
About the divorce, I don’t know. About separating from Connie, yes
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE.]

DAD
: This is foolish. I expected something better of you.

PAUL
:
You’re right, Dad, it is foolish and I’m sure you expected me to be different than I am
, but
I am going through with it
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

DAD
: You’ve gone through this nonsense twice before and it’s lucky I was able to make you see the right thing to do.

PAUL
:
You’re right again. I tried to do it twice before and you did talk me out of it
, but
not this time. I’ve had it with Connie
. [FOGGING, BROKEN RECORD, and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: All you accomplished before by talking divorce was to create a lot of unnecessary trouble and got nothing for it.

PAUL
.
That’s for sure. Was I wishy-washy about it!
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DAD
: You don’t want a divorce.

PAUL
:
That’s true, Dad, I don’t want one
, but
I’m through with Connie. Whatever it takes—separation, divorce, whatever
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

DAD
: Look, she’s obviously done something that’s made you madder man hell or you wouldn’t have hit her with your mother’s cake. Besides you were dead drunk or you wouldn’t have done it. These things blow over. You have to be flexible like you were before.

PAUL
:
Dad, she did make me angry and you’re right;
I wouldn’t have had enough courage to let her have it with the cake unless I was drunk. It was stupid to act that way instead of waiting until the party was over and then have it out. I spoiled the party, but what can I say? I’m not sorry I did it. I just wish I hadn’t upset you two
. [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: Don’t worry about us. Your mother just cried a lot. Connie got hysterical and beat the hell out of little Jamie just because he laughed at her with all that frosting on her face. I had to stop her or he would have been hurt.

PAUL
:
I didn’t know that
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: I didn’t think you did. That’s why I told you. Connie is all right, but she does get hysterical. That’s one reason why you can’t divorce her. How do you know the kids will be okay without you around?

PAUL
:
I don’t. I guess Connie and I will have to talk about that with my lawyer
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

DAD
: You’ll never get custody. Not after getting drunk and hitting her with your mother’s cake.

PAUL
:
Maybe
, but
my lawyer can figure that one out
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

DAD
: Look, Son. We’ve just been BS’ing up to now. Believe me. Divorce is wrong! You don’t want one! You’ll be making a big mistake!

PAUL
:
Maybe I will make a mistake
, but
what is it about getting a divorce that’s wrong?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

DAD
: Kids shouldn’t be exposed to such things.

PAUL
:
What is it about exposing them to reality like divorce that is bad for them?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

DAD
: It will give them a bad outlook on their own lives.

PAUL
:
What is it about reality that will give them a bad outlook?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

DAD
: Kids have to be protected.

PAUL
:
I agree
, but only up to a point I won’t argue it with you, but
I feel that they’ll come to more harm having to live with Connie and me bitching and arguing
every day than knowing that we aren’t going to live together
. [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DAD
: You don’t want to do this to your kids.

PAUL
:
I don’t
but
I’m through with Connie
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

DAD
: How are you going to work this out for them?

PAUL
:
I don’t know yet
. But I’ll do something. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: Do you know what this will do to your mother if you go through with it?

PAUL
:
No, but I guess she won’t like it
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: Paul. Your mother and I have given up a lot of things for you and Connie. Especially for our grandchildren. Don’t do this. It makes everything we’ve worked hard for worth nothing.

PAUL
:
You and Mom have done a lot for me, Dad
. I appreciate it because it tells me that you both care a lot. [FOGGING]

DAD
: That’s what parents are for, Son. To help out when we see things going wrong. That’s what I’m trying to do now.

PAUL
:
I’m sure you feel that way, Dad
. But
I’m doing what I think is best now, even if it’s unpleasant for you and Mom
. [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

DAD
: Well, I tried. I know how your mother is going to take it. Pretty badly, I think.

PAUL
:
I don’t know
, but
you’re probably right
. There’s something else I want to talk to you about. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and FOGGING]

DAD
: What’s that?

PAUL
: About the shop.
I want to sell it and pay you back the money you put up for it
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: Why do you want to do that after all the work you did building it up? You’re making good money from it now. You don’t have to pay me back.

PAUL
:
You’re right, I know I don’t have to repay
the money
, but
I want to and it’s important to me
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say! Everything we have is going to go to you and the kids someday anyway.

PAUL
:
I agree 100 per cent with you. It is stupid and doesn’t make sense
, but
I’ve always had the uncomfortable feeling that I was working for you instead of myself
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: That’s crazy. I never told you how to run your business. No wonder you needed to see a shrink.

PAUL
:
It is crazy
, but
it’s the way I feel. You never put any pressure on me about how to run things
, but
I’ve always had a feeling that you worried that I would make a fool of myself again in business and throw away your money
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION, FOGGING, and BROKEN RECORD]

DAD
: If you couldn’t make a go of it, that’s just one of those things. Your mother and I were glad to let you have the money.

PAUL
:
Are you sure you didn’t have some doubts about me being able to run it?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

DAD
: (Defensively) Maybe a little, but what do you expect with the bankruptcy and everything else?

PAUL
:
You hit the nail on the head. I did screw things up before and I don’t blame you for how you feel
. But
ever since you bailed me out with that money I felt like I always had to check with you to make sure I was doing things okay
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: (Protesting) But…

PAUL
: (Interrupting)
I know what you’re going to say and I agree with you. It’s stupid to feel that way
, but
I do! Call it a neurotic hangup
. I am going to work on it in psychotherapy, but in the meantime
I want to change things so I don’t feel like a little boy who always has to check with his daddy about things
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: (Silent for a few moments and looking at Paul
thoughtfully) I never thought that trying to help you out was a bad thing.

PAUL
: (Silently looking at his father)
I don’t think it is a bad thing. I appreciate that you were trying to help me
, but
it makes me feel like an incompetent. Maybe I was; and maybe I still am
, but
I don’t want to feel that way whether I am or not
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: If you feel that strongly about it, why don’t you pay me back a little bit at a time instead of selling the shop?

PAUL
:
What is it about me selling the shop that worries you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

DAD
: It makes me feel better knowing that you have a good steady income. If something happened to me and I couldn’t work anymore, I know I could depend upon you to help your mom and me out. Retirement doesn’t go very far, and when I retire, maybe I could help you do things there to keep busy.

PAUL
: Dad. If you ever get in a jam, I’ll try to help as much as I can. (Choking up) That sounds strange coming from me. Me helping you out. (Silent for a while) How’s this sound?
We make out a mortgage note on the business for what I owe you. It’s in your name at a bank and I make regular payments with interest to your account there
. That would make me feel a lot better. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

DAD
: But what about property settlement with Connie when the divorce comes through?

PAUL
: The lawyers can work that out. She would get a percentage of the action.

DAD
: You won’t have to sell the shop and give her half of the money as a settlement?

PAUL
: We’ll work it out so that doesn’t happen.

DAD
: Okay with me.

PAUL
: Okay except for one thing. When it comes to the shop, even when you retire and work there, I’m the boss! Agreed?

DAD
: (Extending his hand to shake Paul’s) Agreed!

When Paul and I later discussed his assertive interaction with his father, it became apparent to me that while Paul had accomplished much for himself in that one session, he still had, what seemed to me at least, a problem in relating to his father. The one predominent feeling that Paul’s interaction with his dad evoked within me was a heavy sadness; I was touched. I felt sad for Paul because of the type of relationship he had with his father and I also felt sad for his father, who, possibly out of anxiety about a lot of things, had used his son’s life to cope with these anxieties. In being touched, I had committed the classic cardinal sin of the therapist: countertransference. I had personally identified too much with the patient’s problems. Worse yet, I told Paul about my feelings in the following dialogue.

ME
: I think you did super, Paul, but your talk with your father made me feel sad. How do you feel about it?

PAUL
: Afterwards, I felt depressed. Not about the divorce. About me and my father.

ME
: Have you figured out why?

PAUL
: Yes and no. At first I felt good about getting my way. Then I got mad as hell at him. Afterwards I just felt unhappy.

ME
: Just a letdown after a conflict?

PAUL
: No. I guess it’s because I thought he was always on the ball. When he told me he wanted me to help support him if something happened, I wanted to cry.

ME
: Do you know why?

PAUL
: No.

ME
: Do you want to take a risk? You may be hurt trying to find out why.

PAUL
: Why not?

ME
: Why do you think your father didn’t just accept the fact that you were in trouble and wanted a divorce?

PAUL
: I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about that myself. He’s never accepted it before.

ME
: What would it have cost him to just say something like: “I wish you could make a go of it with Connie,
but if you think you can’t, you do what you think best. I’m sorry for you. If I can help, let me know?”

PAUL
: I don’t know why. I wish he would have.

ME
: What did he say that made you want to cry?

PAUL
: When he said he wanted me to help him.

ME
: Has he ever said that before?

PAUL
: No.

ME
: When did he say that?

PAUL
: When I asked him what worried him about me selling the shop and wanting to be independent of him.

ME
: Has he ever told you that he had worries before?

PAUL
: No, that’s the first time.

ME
: And that made you want to cry?

PAUL
: I feel like crying now thinking about it.