When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (33 page)

First, Scotty would communicate to Bunny that she had a problem. She would have to deal with Scotty’s worry when she came home late. It mattered little how much Bunny protested about her father’s worry being unfair, unreasonable, irrational, illogical, and unwanted. Bunny was to learn that the situation boiled down to the fact that her father worried about her. To avoid being frequently confronted by him, she had to deal with his worry—a
have to
imposed by Scotty, not a
should
. There was no reason for her to feel guilty about her father’s worry or her own desire for freedom. The fact of the matter was simply that her father worried when she came home late and she had to deal with this worry, for it would not change; she had to find a solution to this problem.

Second, disclosure of Scotty’s true worried feelings about Bunny’s behavior would force the relationship between them to change, to move from an authoritarian parent-child relationship to a relationship more in keeping with Bunny’s gradual transition into womanhood: less of an a priori structured relationship, more of a closer adult-to-adult equality relationship.

Third, by dealing with Bunny in this new adult instead of fatherly way, Scotty forces himself to examine his unrealistic worries about Bunny and, at the same
time, prepares himself emotionally for the eventual separation of Bunny from her family by allowing her more and more adult status and freedom with each repeated assertive confrontation over the years.

To prepare Scotty for dealing with his daughter in this different way, a dialogue rehearsal was set up with a young female member of his assertive therapy group. After the dialogue was rehearsed and Scotty felt prepared to interact with his daughter in this new way, I recommended that he talk to his wife about her taking part in the solution to the problem and that he also prompt her to be more assertive with Bunny.

Setting of the dialogue: In the rehearsed sequence, Bunny arrives home an hour late and Scotty is waiting up for her in the living room.

BUNNY
: (Opening front door) Oh … Hi, Dad.

SCOTTY
: Come over and sit down with me, Bunny. I want to talk with you.

BUNNY
: (Feigning innocence and ignorance) What about?

SCOTTY
: Did you have a good time tonight?

BUNNY
: Oh, yes. We had a lot of fun.

SCOTTY
: That’s good. What did you do?

BUNNY
: We went to the horrorama festival in Hollywood, and afterwards over to Rosalie’s house and danced.

SCOTTY
: I guess that’s why you’ve come in later than you said you would.

BUNNY
: Oh, Daddy. You’ve lectured to me like this a hundred times already.

SCOTTY
: I want to talk about it again.

BUNNY
: Do we really have to? I mean right now? Why can’t we talk about it later? It’ll ruin the whole evening! I had so much fun.

SCOTTY
: I understand.
I don’t want to spoil your fun
, but
I do want to talk about it
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: Every time we talk about me, you get mad.

SCOTTY
:
That’s true
, but this time I’m not going to get mad.
I just want to talk to you about it
. [FOGGING
and BROKEN RECORD] (Instead of: “Why do you think I got mad? You never obey me and come home on time!”)

BUNNY
: (Puzzled but defensive) But it’s no fun to leave everybody and come home early. The other kids don’t have to come home at ten thirty.

SCOTTY
:
I know it’s no fun
, but when you stay out later than we agreed upon,
I get very worried about you
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE of feelings]

BUNNY
: (Angrily and sarcastically) Is that all I can do.… Go to a movie and then come home?

SCOTTY
: I can see how you feel, but when you’re not home when I expect you,
I get very worried about you
. [BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: (Exasperated) But there is nothing to worry about!!!!

SCOTTY
:
I know it’s really stupid
, Bunny, but
I still get worried
. When I get held up at work or on the freeway for an hour or more, your mother worries that I’m in an auto accident. I’ve never been in an auto accident when I’m late, but your mother still worries about me. I guess because we’re close and important to each other.
It’s dumb for her to let her feelings rule her when she doesn’t know what’s happening, but it’s the same with me and you. I worry when you don’t come home when I expect you
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION and BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: But nothing happened. Nothing ever happened to make you worry.

SCOTTY
: I know how you feel, Bunny, and
what you say is true except that
when you don’t come home when you say you will,
I get worried
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: But that’s not my fault you get worried. You should know that nothing will happen.

SCOTTY
:
It’s not logical
, Bunny. It’s just the way I feel. I feel fine when I know that you’re out having fun on a date. When you don’t show up when you say you will be home,
that’s when I start to worry
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: No. You shouldn’t worry when I’m late.

SCOTTY
: Bunny, so far in this discussion, I haven’t told you that you shouldn’t be late. I’m just telling you what happens to me when you are late.…
I get very worried
. [BROKEN RECORD] Is that clear?

BUNNY
: Yes, but you shouldn’t worry.

SCOTTY
:
But I do worry
and that’s what you have to cope with. [BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: Why don’t you stop worrying?

SCOTTY
:
It would be a great blessing if I did stop worrying, but the fact is that I do worry
… and that’s what you have to deal with. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION and BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: (Silence)

SCOTTY
: Is that clear to you what I’m getting at?

BUNNY
: Yes.

SCOTTY
: Okay, I don’t like it, you don’t like it. But it’s a fact of life that you have to cope with. When you come in later than you agreed to,
I get worried. When I get worried, you’re going to hear about it. Maybe you’ll even get restricted
. It’s that simple. [BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: (Rising to leave)

SCOTTY
: Sit down and hear me out, Bunny. I’m not finished yet. When you come in late,
I get worried
. When
I get worried, I’m going to bug the hell out of you, like now
. That is not negotiable. [BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: (Showing interest) What do you mean?

SCOTTY
:
I’m unhappy about you coming in late
. You’re unhappy about coming in sooner than you want to.
Why don’t we try to work something out so we both feel better about it?
[SELF-DISCLOSURE and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: You could stop worrying.

SCOTTY
: That’s not what I’m talking about, Bunny. I could say that you should feel happier about coming in at ten thirty. But that’s unrealistic. Like you telling me not to worry. I’m not telling you how to feel. Don’t tell me how to feel.
I get worried
. [BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: Okay … but what else?

SCOTTY
: You want to stay out later, I want you to come home on time.

BUNNY
: We could change the time.

SCOTTY
: That could happen, but there are a lot of problems to be worked out first.

BUNNY
: (Rising again to leave) I thought you would say “No.”

SCOTTY
:
Maybe
, but the way I see it, it simply means that if you want to stay out later,
we have to deal with some things first
, like your mother. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: She never talks to me about it. What can I do about her?

SCOTTY
: Why don’t you talk to her about it? You do want to stay out later, don’t you?

BUNNY
: Yes, but she’s just like you. I can see she doesn’t trust me either.

SCOTTY
: Well, how about sitting down with both of us and talking about it?

BUNNY
: Will you let me stay out later?

SCOTTY
:
If we work out certain things
. [BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: What things?

SCOTTY
:
Like how your mother feels about it for one thing
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: What else?

SCOTTY
: Like me believing in you to keep your word for another thing. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: I told you that you felt that way. You don’t trust me and treat me like a child.

SCOTTY
: Bunny, so far you have made me believe that you will come in late. That’s what you do most of the time.
I can’t read minds. I don’t have any way of knowing you won’t stay out till twelve thirty if we change the time
. And then we’re right back to the same old thing.
I get worried, you get restricted
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION and BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: But I’ll come in at eleven thirty, I will!

SCOTTY
: How are you going to convince me of that? Right now,
I have trouble believing you when you say that
. [BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: I don’t know.

SCOTTY
:
How about showing me that you can keep your word?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: How?

SCOTTY
:
How about coming in on time for a while?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: All you care about is me getting home at ten thirty!

SCOTTY
:
The hour doesn’t really mean much to me, Bunny. Your keeping your word does
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

BUNNY
: Then let me stay out till eleven thirty.

SCOTTY
:
I’m willing if I believe you will come home then
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: I will.

SCOTTY
:
How can you make me believe that?
[BROKEN RECORD]

BUNNY
: I don’t know.

SCOTTY
:
How about coming home for a while when you said you would
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: Would you believe me if I came home at ten thirty next week?

SCOTTY
:
It would take more than one week
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: How long?

SCOTTY
:
How about five or six weeks?
If you didn’t get me worried by the middle of next month, I would be willing to agree to a new time. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: And I could stay out another hour after then?

SCOTTY
: If you don’t go back on your word in the meantime and
get me worried
again, and if your mother says okay. [BROKEN RECORD and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: She’d never agree.

SCOTTY
:
What have you got to lose by trying?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: Why don’t you talk to her?

SCOTTY
: I’m going to tell her exactly how I feel.
about it.
But you still have to work things out with her yourself
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: I don’t know what to tell her.

SCOTTY
:
Why don’t we all sit down together and talk about it?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

BUNNY
: Will you be on my side?

SCOTTY
: As far as what we have talked about tonight, yes.

BUNNY
: Okay, daddy, let’s do it tomorrow.

SCOTTY
: It may take longer than just one talk to convince your mother that you will come home on time.

BUNNY
: That’s what I was afraid of.

SCOTTY
: Do you want to give it a try and see what happens?

BUNNY
: Okay.

SCOTTY
: Good! Give your father a hug and go to bed.

BUNNY
: Okay.

Shortly after learning this new way to cope with his teen-age daughter, Scotty finished his assertive therapy and I never found out how well he did in working out a compromise with Bunny. I hope he had as much success in being assertive to teen-agers as the other learners I trained.

In the
next chapter
, let’s look at what Scotty was learning to teach his daughter: assertively working out ways of living with people who are your equals.

10
Everyday equal relationships—
working out compromises
or just saying “No”

The most difficult situations in which to learn to be assertive are those involving people we truly care about—our equals, like parents, friends, lovers, and mates. An equal relationship has the least a priori structure of any of the interactions you can have with another person. When conflict with an equal arises, how “should” you cope with it? Just suppose that your roommate is gay and you only learn of it after he (or she) puts the make on you, what “should” you do? Where’s the book of rules that tells you how to relate to gay friends “properly?” Does Emily Post know? In an even less threatening example, what do you do if your roommate wants you to date a friend of his (or hers) and you just can’t work up any enthusiasm for the idea? Or more commonly, what rules do you follow when your friend or roommate keeps bugging you with particular actions? Or if your spouse does the same thing? What are the “proper” ways of coping with such close conflicts? The answer to all these questions is of course that there is no proper, correct, no one-and-only way of dealing with these problems. Even the Bible gives up offering advice after you have been slapped on the second cheek. In these interactions between equals, everything is negotiable; you even have to work on who will take out the trash.