When To Let Go (19 page)

Violet slowly walked back to the garage, her mind on Parker. She had never seen him like that before. He had turned cold, not even his eyes showing that anyone was inside. She didn't know what had caused the change. Ava refused to say and nobody pushed her, understanding but wishing she would. Violet's dad had disappeared, causing his wife to worry. Violet knew her dad's past, and from his expression when Ava led him away she knew something bad was going to happen. Instead of comforting her mom she had followed Parker, a stupid mistake.

She replayed what happened over and over in her head.

“What the fuck do you want?!” Parker had spit at her as though she was an annoyance that always got in his way.

“I didn't want you to be alone,” she had explained.

“Ever think I might want to be alone? Huh?” He snarled, hatred pouring out of him. “If I wanted a pet I would have gotten a fucking dog.”

He resumed his long strides, Violet staring after him, not recognizing her best friend.

She had made it back to her group, trying to remain positive in front of Maggie on what was the biggest day of her life. Violet refused to let what happened to Parker take away from her being there for her sister. Sadly, it still did, and an hour later she went to her sanctuary, hoping to find solace in her car.

It wasn't until she was closer to her baby that she heard the moaning from the backseat. She came to a stop, recognizing the top of Parker’s head and shoulders. His body was rocking back and forth. There was another pair of legs under his, sticking out the other side.

A girl groaned.

Violet couldn't move from shock.

Parker's head tipped back, his eyes tightly closed, an expression of tortured pleasure on his face.

She must have made a noise because his cold, dead eyes opened. They looked at her, but he wasn't seeing her. The emptiness scared her.

She hurried around the car as quickly as she could, trying her best to ignore the moaning and rocking of her car. Once inside her house she ran upstairs to her bedroom, planting herself face first in her pillow. She couldn't believe he was having sex with a girl in her car.

The part that hurt the most was that that was their special place, and now it was ruined. She could never look at the car or him the same way again. He had broken her heart.

She was glad the rest of her family was busy at the tracks so she could cry freely into her pillow.

The laughter coming from the couple as they left the garage, making plans to head to her place, gutted Violet. She covered her ears, praying and wishing for it not to hurt like this. She better understood Parker and why he kept guard of his feelings; it was so much easier that way.

The next few days she avoided the garage, and more importantly, Parker. The image played over and over again in her head. She hated him for it. Her family was confused as to why she wouldn’t touch her car. She claimed to not be in the mood, not wanting to reveal the real reason.

On the fifth day her dad pulled her aside to speak in private, “Anything happen between you and Parker I should know about?”

She shook her head no.

He studied her and she feared he knew she was lying, “You would come to me if something happened, right?”

“Of course.”

A little over a month later, Violet had built a wall that was firmly in place. She foolishly believed things could go back to normal, except Parker’s whoring would no longer bother her.

She hopped up onto her spot on the counter to watch Parker work.

He was mostly hidden behind Maggie’s car, which had taken a beating from all her practicing and the race. When he talked, his voice was muffled, “You still mad at me?”

“No, just disappointed. I don't understand why of all places it had to be my car.”

He let out a loud sigh, “I'm an addict who needed a fix.”

“Whatever. That's a bullshit reason and you know it,” anger flared inside her at his pathetic excuse. “Were you purposely trying to hurt me? To push me away?”

It took a few minutes before he answered, still hiding himself, “Yes.”

“Well, it worked. You should be proud.”

He cursed, coming up to full height, anguish contorting his features, “Tell me how to make this right.”

She wished she could.

“I'm so sorry, Vi,” he pleaded, his voice almost desperate. “You were the last person I cared about that I hadn't done wrong by.”

His apology meant nothing to Violet; it didn't take away what had been done, “I'm sick of your apologies. They don't mean anything if you keep having to give them.”

Thinking she could hang out like they used to was a bad idea.

She got down, “I think we're two very different people who only have a love of old cars in common. My dad was right when he said we should just stick to talking about that.”

“You don't seriously mean that do you?”

Parts of it she did. Instead, she told him words to purposely hurt him like he had her. She wasn't proud of it, but she couldn't stop it from happening, her anger overcoming her senses, “I do. From now on that's the only time we should spend together. Except now I can't stomach the sight of my car, so I guess this is where we don't see much of each other anymore.”

Parker wiped his hands on his thighs and she took the opportunity to leave. He called out to her but she kept walking, straight to the tracks where she knew he wouldn't want to draw attention.

For the rest of the day she helped her mom in her office, remaining friendly towards Natalie – none of this was her fault. It could have been any girl he was fucking in the backseat. Violet mostly felt bad for her, noticing how she slyly tried to get information about Parker from her. Obviously she was one of the idiots who thought somehow her vagina would be the one to change him.

It's just a fucking hole, it's not like the thing sprouts gold
, she thought bitterly.

To avoid seeing Parker, for the next couple of weeks she continued to help out her mom, occasionally going for laps with Maggie when the track had nothing scheduled, helping to point out anything she noticed that Maggie might not have in her driving.

One night as Violet emptied the trash she told herself not to look at her car, but on the way back she failed, missing the sight of her baby. What she saw had her skidding to a stop.

The car had new upholstery.

She moved closer for inspection.

It was her dream: cream-white leather, the kind that cost a fortune. It was what she had once said was her dream for this car even though she knew she could likely never afford it. She hesitated before touching it, afraid it wasn't real.

Her skin made contact with the smooth leather. She smiled. No, she didn't just smile, she lit up the garage with how big she beamed.

She hopped over the door, sinking into the seat, her bare feet hitting the floor. Her eyes snapped open.

Her car actually
had
a floor.

She bent over and saw that it had been done as well.

She wasn't sure when Parker had done it, but she knew it was his way of apologizing and trying to undo what had happened.

The next day she was there before he was. They didn't speak a word, carrying on as though they always had, except Parker had a hard time concealing a grin. Violet hadn't forgiven him, she only appreciated that he had tried to make it right. The only problem was, there was no going back. She didn't know where that left them.

Senior year wasn't any different than the previous three years, not that it surprised Violet.

Maggie was more obsessed than ever with her training, mostly due to the fact that nobody seemed to care that a girl had won, more focused on the guy who had won second place.

It pissed Violet off too. It's not like driving was some intense physical sport where they had to worry about the larger men crushing the women. She didn't understand why men always felt threatened if a woman was better than them. What did it matter?

Wesley and Ava were always in their own love bubble. Violet secretly found it cute. They were so in love and it showed. She was happy for them, especially after last year when the two struggled to adjust to all the changes thrown at them. Ava now spent almost every weekend at their house. Violet often wondered if her parents had clued into the fact that it was because Ava would sneak into Wes's room when everyone had fallen asleep.

Nothing between her and Parker had healed. Violet had become estranged from their friendship, rarely seeing him outside of the garage, and that almost never lasted more than ten minutes. If Parker noticed, he didn't show it, carrying on as though everything was exactly as it had been. He still sent her funny jokes or random texts throughout the day. She never responded.

She had grown closer to Ryder. He also had an addiction to frozen yogurt, and the two met a few times a week at their favorite place. Nobody knew; it was their little secret. He never mentioned Parker, knowing she wouldn't want to talk about it. She never brought up his claustrophobia, why he avoided human contact, or Maggie, having figured out her name made him uncomfortable. Knowing each other’s weaknesses made it easy to relax around one another.

Violet understood why Parker and Ava were so fond of him. It was more than his kind, sweet nature; he was easy to be around. You never felt judged, and he had a way of looking at the world that was different than anyone she had ever met. He always pointed out things others would pass by and ignore, like the way a toddler was devouring his yogurt in complete bliss. Ryder admitted to wondering what the world would be like if we all dove in like that, abandoning etiquette in favor of joy. Or he'd stop to listen to the guy on the streets playing his guitar; he'd close his eyes as though the man was delivering the latest masterpiece, and always left the person whatever was left in his wallet.

It was a few weeks into the school year, and Ryder and Violet were eating their yogurt outside, showing each other all the yummy goodness they had put inside. Ryder usually stuck to fruits and mochi bits, but today Violet had convinced him to douse it in hot fudge. He was tweaking by the time he was near the bottom, high on sugar. It made Violet laugh.

“You’re like a kid when you've had sugar,” she teased. “Does it make you turn cranky, then pass out in an hour?”

He flung his spoon at her, pleased when fudge, melted yogurt, and crushed blackberry landed on her shirt. She launched a broken peanut butter cup at him with her spoon. It smacked him in the forehead. They both laughed, not hearing the familiar sound of her sister's car screeching into a parking spot close by.

“Hey guys!” Ava called out, coming over from the car. She looked from Ryder to Violet, confused at the sight of them, “What are you two doing here?”

“Trying to raise awareness on the over-use of waxed paper cups, want to sign our petition?”

Violet laughed so hard, never hearing Ryder be sarcastic before, wondering if perhaps she was rubbing off on him.

Maggie laughed too, causing Ryder to stop and look away, as though something across the street had caught his attention, his cheeks a bright red.

“Does Parker know you’re here?” Ava asked in defense of her brother.

Violet got annoyed, “Why? Do we need his permission to hang out?”

“No, you two just seem...” Ava faded, becoming embarrassed.

“Cozy,” Maggie finished.

“It
is
possible for two people to hang out and just be friends.”

Violet was irritated. It wasn't like that with her and Ryder; it felt more like when she hung out with Wes (and nothing like with Parker).

“I have to go,” Ryder said while getting up, his half-eaten yogurt left behind.

Maggie frowned, having noticed he always did that when she was around.

“Don't forget the barbeque at my grandpa's house this weekend,” Ava called after him.

Violet got up to follow him, “I'll be right back.”

She caught up with Ryder just as he was securing his helmet in place.

“You don't have to run off every time she's around. She won't bite.”

He seemed embarrassed and a touch angry, “You could stop ignoring Parker.”

She flinched. She deserved that for bringing up one of their taboo topics.

She carried on anyway, “This is the only time I'll bring it up. She thinks you hate her.”

His head snapped up from fiddling with his bike, “I could never hate her.”

“Yeah, but look at it from her side. You ignore and avoid her, and the minute she's in the same room or close by, you leave.”

“It's probably better if she thinks it's because I don't like her.”

“Why?”

His brows lifted, as if to say, “Seriously?”

Violet wasn't trying to play matchmaker, she only wanted to get him to be more comfortable around his sister, as both were a staple in their lives.

“You let Ava hug you,” she pointed out.

“Yeah and it’s awkward every time,” he looked over her shoulder. “Can we not talk about this anymore?”

“Never again,” she vowed, adding in, “Unless you want to.”

He met her eyes, “Okay, my turn.”

She was tempted to walk away, but it was only fair. “Yes?”

“Parker misses you.”

Now Violet was the one avoiding eye contact.

“All he does is mope around.”

“He should have thought of that before he fucked some girl in my car,” she bit out.

“He's going to kill me for telling you, but before that day he hadn't had sex in almost ten months.”

Ryder had her full attention, “What?”

He shrugged, not explaining more.

“Why?”

His eyes locked to hers, telling her through them.

Her heart leapt, “Why didn't he tell me?”

“He was scared.”

“How do I know that he won't freak out one day and cheat?”

Ryder concentrated back on his bike, not having an answer, “Just talk to him. It would kill him to lose your friendship over this.”

She stared after him long after he disappeared into the streets, her heart and logic at odds with what to do.

Two hours later, Violet was knocking on Parker’s apartment door.

Peter answered, “Birdie!”

He picked her up, hugging and shaking her like an Etch-a-Sketch. He didn't set her down until they were at the couch and he dropped her on a seat.

“I've missed seeing your pretty face around here.”

She missed him too; he was a hard person not to grow attached to, “Sorry, I've been busy.”

“Liar. You’re pissed at Parker. I can tell by his sour mood and lack of personal hygiene. What he do this time? He won't tell me.”

“Fucked a girl in the backseat of my car. I caught them.”

He shook his head, “Ouch, what an idiot.”

“Among other things,” Violet grumbled. “Is he here?”

Peter tilted his head towards the hall, “He's busy at the moment.”

The unmistakable sound of mattress springs and moaning came from behind Parker’s closed door.

There was the reason she shouldn't be here.

“Hey,” Peter kicked her foot. “Want to get out of here for a while?”

“Let's go.”

Despite the heat wave the two walked to the park that was almost a mile away, both sweating and wishing they had brought water. Peter and Violet each took a swing, ignoring the way the heat of the rubber burned through her jeans. She let everything fade away, going as high as she could, dipping her head back and being in the moment. When she brought her head up Peter was watching her in a way that had her stomach dipping.

“You're so fucking beautiful it hurts,” he spoke softly, meaning it.

“I bet you say that to all the girls,” she teased to hide the way his words made her feel.

“I've never said that to any girl,” his sincerity and the intensity behind his eyes had her stomach dipping again. “Go on a date with me?”

Her pumping legs came to a stop, lowering her to the ground, “A date?”

“Yeah. It's this thing people do sometimes,” he explained, smirking with twinkling eyes. “It usually consists of dinner between two people who are attracted to each other and want to get to know one another better. The guy will order whatever he's in the mood for while the girl will order a salad, waiting until they've established more of a relationship before she'll properly eat in front of him. One of them will suggest dessert if the date's going well, praying the other will accept. Usually whoever asked the person pays, and in this instance that would be me...”

“You sure seem to know a lot about this,” she taunted, regaining her composure, relaxing into her seat.

He winked at her, “I've been on a few.”

“You’d have to come pick me up, and you know, talk to my dad.” Was she seriously considering going on a date with Peter? He was a slutty goofball, yet somehow it didn't feel as strange as it should. She tried not laughing when he visibly swallowed.

“That’s going to suck, but Violet,” he turned serious in a way she never would have thought him capable of. “I've been crazy about you for a long time, and it has nothing to do with the way you would think someone like me would – it has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with you and the way you keep me up at night thinking about your smile, or laughing out loud at work when I think about the shit you give me. I've never felt this way about someone.”

Those were the kind of words every girl wanted to hear, and although it wasn't coming from the person she wanted to hear it from, she found herself viewing Peter differently enough that the idea of a date was appealing. She wanted to get to know the man in front of her, she had never met him before; the serious, grownup side of Peter.

“What about Parker?”

He looked up at the sky.

“I've thought about this a lot, and honestly,” his eyes latched onto hers, “I know that if I don't at least try I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't.”

“He won’t like it.” He would hate it. In fact, he'd probably think he had the right to deny it from happening.

“I don't care. I agreed with him when he told everyone you’re off limits, not wanting them to use you, but that's not what I'm doing.”

“What are you doing? Have you ever even had a second date?”

“I was with the same girl all through high school,” he confessed, never having brought her up before. “She cheated on me. It pretty much broke me. I found it easier to avoid all of it, but I never planned to be a slut forever. I knew one day I'd find a girl who was worth trying it again for.”

“What if you’re at the bar, shitfaced, and Big Booty Judy is shaking her moneymaker at you? You’re telling me you'll deny her?” From what she'd seen, he was no better than Parker.

Peter laughed so hard he fell off the swing, “See Vi, it's when you say shit like that that I think you might be the woman of my dreams. Please tell me you'll go out with me? I swear I won't stop asking until you agree.”

He would, if only to get on her nerves.

“Can we wait to tell Parker, at least until we survive date one?”

“Sure, but I won't hide from him. If this works, I'm telling the whole fucking world.”

Violet smiled at the same time an ache formed in her chest, knowing this was one of those forks in the road writers loved to ramble on about; if she denied Peter it would be because she wasn't able to let Parker go, but if she agreed, there was no going back. She and Parker would drift further apart.

She chose the only path that had a future, the one where she agreed.